Welcome to the seventh recap of the first season of The L Word: Generation Q, brought to you by the same network that brought you The L Word, an intriguing television program about an aspiring filmmaker who moves in with two “real lesbians,” hangs hidden cameras all over their house without their consent, develops an erotic obsession with one roommate who eventually takes a lot of painkillers and starts a fight with random men on Venice Beach only to be rescued by the filmmaker, who is eventually revealed to have been sitting in his toolshed watching her have sex and engage in Love Confessions for the duration of his residency at their home, at which point he is told to move out, then asked to remain, and then vanishes into the ether, never to be heard from or spoken of again.

It’s official: I’m really into this show now. I’m stoked for its renewal (Marja please hire me to write a Christmas episode) and somehow I have become invested in one specific ‘ship to a degree that I have never before experienced, despite being a grown woman who has written professionally about television for over a decade!!! W h a t  i s  h a p p e n i n g. This recap feels unhinged but also…. so do I.


We open at DaSoMi’s on, once again — bless us, everybody — Sophie’s naked body. She’s soaping up with the vigor and commitment of a woman in a Nivea Body Wash commercial, to the sweet dulcet tones of Victoria Monet’s “Ass Like That.”

Smooth. Like you’ve never felt before. Touch of smoothness body wash. Provides moisture throughout the day with no greasy feel. For skin that’s irresistibly smooth. Lesbians: Touch and Be Touched.

Dani, a Very Busy and Important Interim Campaign Manager because Pierce Really Fucked Us When He Left, enters the lavatory in a flurry of Busy Importance while her very hot very naked girlfriend yearns for attention or even just a tiny nod to her very hot very nakedness. Sophie peers out, asks for a razor, presents a very kissable face. Dani doesn’t bite, which bites.

But you know who’s also living at DaSoMi’s right now and is VERY ready to acknowledge the incredible display of hotness happening so early in our XL Morning?

A full bush! I see it. And I respect it.

“Damn! That ass is TIGHT! You’re looking GOOD!” Finley exclaims.

“You’re so stupid!” Sophie laughs.

“So is this like a pilates situation?” Finley asks while power-squatting.

“Get out of here!” Sophie laughs more.

Don’t stop! Believin!

Meanwhile at The Thruple Towers; Alice, Nat and Gigi are basking in the resplendent glow of their ideal relationship scenario, one which enables the children to get packed lunches and Nat doing her makeup at home and Alice wearing cute little pajamas.

Noooo you drink the poison first!

“How did we live without her?” Alice asks re: Gigi, marveling at their newly color-coded closet as Gigi whirls in and they sort out the slings and arrows of that day’s thruple schedule. Alice drops important exposition about her big network meeting, at which she hopes to kick Drew to the curb. Nat and Gigi will therefore dine without their erotic third, but they will not watch Below Deck as planned because Alice would like to institute a new rule, “don’t watch Below Deck without me.”

Wait — didn’t you have a arm tattoo before?

Our XL Morning keeps on chugging over at DaSoMi’s, where Sophie’s preparing a brunch spread to remember, Dani’s worried she double-booked Bette’s pancake breakfast with the first responders, and Micah’s Mom is in town and has already bought 34 gummies at the dispensary.

Gonna go bring this bucket of french toast to the only girl who noticed my ass this morning, I left some raw eggs out for you, bye

Finley The Traditional Lesbian When It Comes to Tools trots downstairs, registering a complaint about the water pressure and an offer to fix it if they have a wrench, just as Sophie gets a phone call from her Mom that shifts her mood real fast.

A-Capella Group Album Cover

Finley and Micah and Dani look on as Sophie gets the news — her grandma fell and she’s in the hospital. What happened, says Micah. Is she okay, Dani asks. Are you okay, Finley asks. Dani offers to cancel her morning and accompany Sophie but Sophie says no, no, no. She’ll call if she needs anything. Before this difficult conversation can progress, Sophie opens the door and look who’s here it’s Micah’s stoner Mom!

I just got my aura photographed ON WEED

We then swoop on over to Kit + Denny’s Lesbian Roadhouse for a mid-morning meal with Tiny Tina. It appears Bette’s Farewell vice grip of sorrow successfully convinced her Terrific Tina to remain in Los Angeles for another episode.

Remember when the B-52’s played at The Planet and I missed it to spend the day on set “in Canada” with Fucking Josh Becker?

Alice has chosen to skip lunch ’cause she’s still mad at Bette, and Tina and Shane assure Bette that Alice will forgive Bette eventually. Shane discloses that she and Quiara are gonna hear their little baby pickle’s heartbeat for the first time today, which reminds Bette and Tina of when they heard THEIR little baby pickle’s heartbeat for the first time, which apparently sounded “like horses stampeeding in mud.” “WE WERE SOBBING!” they exclaim and …

Just — I’m sorry, here, but!!! Just as a point of order, if I may? Although Bette did attend early ultrasounds for the baby Tina eventually miscarried, Tina likely heard Angie’s heartbeat for the first time alone, as Bette was unaware of Tina’s pregnancy for its first 3-4 months (there’s no time on The L Word and Laurel started the season pretty much ready to pop, so it’s hard to say specifically) — despite Tina being, you know, very visibly pregnant and actively cavorting around West Hollywood wearing Twin XL blankets as shirts to cover the human lifeform beating away in her belly — fetal heartbeat is detectable by vaginal ultrasound usually by the seventh week of pregnancy, and Tina probs had her first ultrasound around that time, because earlier ultrasounds are recommended for women who miscarry. We saw her at the OB/GYN, alone, discussing her pregnancy in Episode 201, which was probably when that was initially done. Bette’s first screening of “Angie: The Prequel” didn’t happen until episode 209 (Tina invites her to “her next sonogram” in episode 208), and, although as previously established, Bette was not present to hear Angie’s first heartbeat, she was also not sobbing at the first doctor’s appointment she did attend with preggers Tina, as illustrated in the below screencap:

Not a wet eye in the house

Nevertheless, Shane buys this ENTIRE LIE and is now visibly nervous about her potential reaction to the heartbeat she’s scheduled to hear later that day. Thrilling material for Shane here. Tina asks Bette to have dinner with her that night, and Bette says she’ll cook, and Shane looks at them like “here we go again!” It’s also established that Tina’s taking Angie to a museum and then to Jordi’s, where they might scissor and might not but don’t talk to Bette about it, she’s not ready to explain scissoring to anybody, let alone her own spawn.

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Oh wowowwww that’s so exciting that Soledad O’Brian follows you on twitter
She follows everyone, doesn’t she

Carrie calls and Tina dips out. “You look a little flushed,” Shane notices re: Bette’s face. It’s not Tina, it’s menopause! But I think we all understand the confusion.


Cut to the hospital, where Sophie’s holding it down for her very emotional Mom and sister, relaying cold hard medical facts, determined hope, and an offer to get them some food and coffee.

I’m giving you one minute to take back what you said about Fleabag being “a little annoying”

Sophie steps out and immediately collapses into long-held tears. But guess who’s here?!!?!

I spent all my money on these Cheetos but baby if you wanna start a plant-based diet right now I will go outside and grow that fucking food for you right this very minute

Earlier that XL Morning when Sophie told Dani not to come she told Finley not to come, too, but Finley came, ’cause she knew better. Finley sees her sadness, puts down the snack-pack she put together for her best bud, and brings her in for a hug — giving Sophie, essentially, the exact method and delivery of emotional and physical support she presently requires. Sophie cries and Finley says “it’s okay, it’s okay” and then Sophie just folds right into her.

It’s okay we just have to holds this pose for 45 more seconds and we’ll have the PERFECT shot for our lesbian movie poster

At the cafe, Dani relays a hot tip from her buddy at CBS: Milner’s priming some attack ads to launch upon Bette Porter for Mayor 2020, and maybe just maybe Bette should consider returning his bloodlust with a little rough play of her own? Nope, Bette wants to stick to her playbook: being hot, giving good speeches when angry, having nice hair, yelling choice words at men, loving art and “voter outreach.”

Just, consider asking this butch barista if she’s interested in a recurring role in Season 2. Just consider it!

“As your acting campaign manager,” Dani begins, continuing to beg Bette to let her make an attack ad! I hope they found out that Jeff Milner’s horse was actually named Ann Coulter. Dani needs Bette to let her do her job! Bette says no again, which probably is making Dani wonder, am I a bottom after all?


Ah, at the Building of Medical Procedures, Shane’s playing with a plastic model of a vagina / uterus / et al and Quiara’s prepping for a look at her little lima bean!

I think THIS is the part where I put my tongue first…. but I’m not positive…

As expected, Quiara feels immediate maternal emotion upon hearing the heartbeat. Shane, meanwhile, is so concerned about having the wrong emotional response that she’s just shut down for business altogether. Instead, Shane repeats ye olde adage, “it sounds like horses stampeeding through the mud.”

He just said our baby is an alien from outer space sent to earth to destroy mankind, are you SURE you wanna keep it?

Cut to The Aloce Show where the mid-morning meeting Alice has to miss dinner for is revving up — don’t worry, Drew’s totally there, he wouldn’t miss it! Alice explains how proud she is of her Morning/Night Coffee Talk Show and their unconventional guest choices and how maybe, going forward, it’d be cool to have less voices in the room?

Thruple. It’s a couple plus one?

But the network isn’t interested in kicking Drew out of the writers room because they’re not sure there’ll be a show and a writer’s room to kick Drew out of! Alice is on The Bubble. Ratings are low, despite the fact that she got Megan Rapinoe to disclose hot lesbian sports makeouts in the locker room on live television??!?!

How else can I put this? There are three of us. Together. Three women. One relationship.

To save Alice’s show, the network just needs a few viral videos — shortform, catchy content — which luckily is Drew’s specialty! Alice dies inside.


It’s time for a mid-afternoon Business Meeting at Kit + Denny’s! The news here is that their little lesbian enterprise is 20% under its revenue targets, despite only having one employee and constantly being packed. Shane loses her damn mind and Tess insists it’s okay, it takes time to turn a profit!

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I’ve been looking at these wallpaper samples all night and I CANNOT settle on a color
Go with toasted almond! It’s a classic shade!
How can you expect me to just LET GO of Chantilly Lace?!!?

Shane admits she’s tense ’cause she had “a morning” with Quiara. That’s the trouble with XL Mornings, there’s plenty of opportunity for good things to happen… but also for bad things to happen. Tess suggests talking to Quiara instead of rage-accounting, but Shane says she’s got nothing new to say.

Tess: “In my meeting this morning, there was this guy, and he said — imagine someone comes up to you and says that they’re hungry, and you have a sandwich. But you offer them the sandwich, and they say, nah, I’ve had sandwiches before. I want something new. And you’re like, it doesn’t need to be new. Just eat the sandwich.”
Shane: “You want me to eat a sandwich?”
Tess: “No! You have to talk to her.”

I had to think about this for a REALLY long time before I understood it, and I had a nearly-perfect GPA in college. It all hinges on Shane saying she had nothing new to say. That’s my hint for you to decode this extended metaphor. You’re welcome! Tess, btw, reveals that she is three days sober! Well, that storyline wrapped right up?


Micah’s taken his Mom and his elusive boyfriend to Ma’m Sir for some lunch and inappropriate conversation. Mom’s had four cute little gummie bears and is waxing and waning about Micah’s positive qualities, which include being thoughtful and responsible. “If the Cub Scouts were more forward thinking back then, he would’ve made a great Cub Scout,” she enthuses to her less-enthusiastic son.

Who wants to share a Create a Sampler Italiano

“He’s very crafty,” stoner Mom gushes. “Ever since he was a little girl!” THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY. Don’t worry, she’s got pictures on her phone and is eager to show them to Jose, who’s like, “TRULY I don’t need to see these.” Mom can’t stop, she’s on a roll! YIKES!

Mom: She was so nervous to have her picture taken but she was great — I’ve got some more!
Micah: Stop! Just stop!
Mom: What?
Micah: Put the fucking picture away!
Mom: I’m just trying to show Jose how cute you were.
Micah: No, no. You always do this.
Mom: No I don’t!
Micah: That little girl’s not here. You know that, Mom. She’s gone.

Micah storms out of the restaurant, trailed by Jose. Micah’s sorry for yelling at lunch but just could not abide! The situation! Jose assures Micah that he sees him, the person in front of him.

Stay perfectly still I think there is a wasp on your collar but I’m going to kill it for you

Then they tongue kiss on the sidewalk in FULL view of Micah’s mother, who’s probably sitting there feeling pretty proud of her son for getting Ma’am Sir to open for lunch on a weekday, but also sad that she let him down.


We then fly-over some pieces of this fair city and crash-land in Bette’s kitchen, alive with the aromas of a beautiful woman cooking dinner for her ex-wife.

~ M o m m i ~ of the YEAR

We cut quickly to the dinner date of the century, where topics include taking Angie to the museum and also Tina’s show being on hiatus, freeing up a little sliver in the matrix where Tina’s considering staying in Los Angeles to be closer to her daughter. Bette tells Tina she can stay right here in Bette’s own home! Tina says no thanks.

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Maybe I’ll just dump the rest of this bottle in my glass. Save myself the trip.

Tina drops a nuclear bomb on Bette’s dining room table: “Carrie asked me to marry her, and I said yes.” In fact, they’ll be looking for a place of their own in Los Angeles, and Bette would like some more wine but oh the glass is empty and Tina says it happened last week and she wanted to tell Bette in person and Bette would like some more wine but oh the bottle is also empty and Tina would like to talk about how they’ll tell Angie and you know what, Bette’s gonna just get up and go find a new bottle of wine and uncork it why don’t we?

Just wait til I tell her that Carrie is a CIA agent with a VERY rocky record

Tina’s predictably terrible idea is that they all tell Angie together — Bette, Tina and Carrie, one big happy family! This is gonna be a terrible follow-up to the “I needed to find myself” conversation.  Bette does a bad job of hiding her despair and hurt but Tina knows her well enough to know staying on that surface is crucial to their survival. “I am so happy for you,” Bette lies, choking back tears.


Back at the luxuriously spacious offices of The Aloce Show, Drew’s stopping in for a lil heart-to-heart with his #1 Poppy Fun Lesbian, Alice, who doesn’t deny Drew’s accusation that she was talking about him when she said there were “too many voices” in the writers room: “Of course I was, Drew. Of COURSE I was.”

I don’t even have my big glasses on, Drew. That’s how desperate I am to not see your face.

Drew says he’s gotten shows out of “far worse” and giving the network “a few wins” will be easy-peasy. “I’ve tried to build you a queer sandbox to play in—” he begins, but Alice cannot endure wherever that sentence is going, as expressed in her additional lines of dialogue which attempt to get Drew to stop talking. Drew admits he’s not tapped into her little lady world, but they’ve got one more show and they need to make a viral video and he’s VERY good at viral videos.

Okay just riffing here but what if it was like, Natalie Portman… rapping… about weed???

Alice gives in. She’s gotta save the show. Your flight path doesn’t matter if you don’t have a plane, you know? Tell me what you’ve got, Drew.


Meanwhile at the Thruple Towers, Nat’s trying to get freebie storytime by lurking on Gigi reading to Lil Eli. “I missed these moments with you,” Nat says after Gigi finishes up her nightly narrative. “And them.” Gigi’s gonna do the only thing characters on this show know how to do when faced with a somewhat complicated and emotionally loaded relationship situation — make some goddamn tea.

Just a spoonful of poison makes the medicine go down…

Nat and Gigi are both feeling all the feelings, now  — Nat wished they hadn’t put the kids through all this, wishes she had tried harder to forgive Gigi, wishes she’d made more space for them to repair. Gigi says it’s okay, but Nat insists that it isn’t.

“We didn’t have to go through all this,” Nat says. But then Gigi takes Nat’s head in her hands and they kiss in slow motion, and then, they begin to — one might say — kiss with a more defined commitment to motion, and then we cut to the bedrooom…


Lesbian Sexy Moment #15: Back in the Saddle Again
The Players: Gigi and Nat
The Pick-Up: “I’m here. I’m here now.”
Hot or Not? Gigi holds Nat’s head like it’s an artifact, touches her cheek like it’s a memory, grabs her hair. The song goes, don’t talk too much let your body talk and they’re like okay. They take off shirts and Gigi’s got her mouth on Nat’s nipples — we get a lot of that, here, a lot of nipples, a lot of nudity in this important scene — and we get more finger sucking and then Gigi fucks Nat and then Gigi goes down on Nat and WOW the lighting is GREAT the cinematography is great I give everybody in this scene several thumbs up, great acting, everybody gets a MacArthur Genius Grant today!!!

I LOVE LESBIAN SEX SCENES

If you’ve had enough lesbian sex today, have I got news for you: the hospital is open 24 hours, and Finley and Sophie are still in it, sitting as close together as humanly possible. Every time they touch I can feel it in my bones? What is happening? To me? Sophie’s pissed that Dani never showed up but Finley reminds her that she told Dani not to come. Sophie thinks she should’ve known anyhow. Finley clasps her hand on Sophie’s thigh and swings one of her legs between Sophie’s. Maybe this is a regular part of my life specifically because I am a human giant, but the casual intertwining of legs is just Classic Queer Friends Intimacy that I am resolutely here for. She’s here. She’s here now.

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Is this how scissoring works

Sophie’s worried Nana might not be okay, and she’ll be left alone holding all the memories they used to share. Finley takes Sophie’s hand and clutches it to her chest while Sophie says Nana can’t die, she still hasn’t taken Sophie to Hawaii and she’s gotta do that before she dies, right? Finley digs deep and makes an offer.

Finley: Hey, you wanna pray with me? It might make you feel better.
Sophie: You don’t have to do that.
Finley: I know. I want to.
Sophie: You sure?
Finley: Yeah. Just you and me. It’s not scary.
Sophie: [cries] Okay! Which ones do you know?
Finley: Oh I know all of ’em.
Sophie: Well. I only pray to the ladies, so.
Finley: Alright. I can do that.

Please Please God make me a bird so I can fly far far away away from here instead of having to ride my stolen bike everywhere

Finley clasps her hands together and starts in with Hail Mary Full of Grace, which sounds very sexy in Jacqueline Toboni’s voice if we’re being honest and I believe (!!!) that we are? Verite’s “Good For It” starts playing to lead us into…


…a trendy restaurant, where Quiara’s waiting for Shane to show up while being recognized by all the people in the restaurant because of her fame.

Tired: being stood up.
Wired: being famous and stood up

I cannot BELIEVE that monster didn’t put a lemon in my water.

Eventually Quiara just can’t stand the attention and whirls out of the restaurant in a fog of frustration where, of course, she finds Shane rushing down the street with no viable explanation for why she was unable to use the text messaging application easily accessible on her iPhone.

Lesbian Squabble #21: Like Horses Sleeping Gently On a Bed of Hay
In the Ring: Shane vs. Quiara
Content: “What the fuck, Shane?” asks Quiara. Shane says today was really hard ’cause she was supposed to feel something when you hear your baby’s heartbeat for the first time but … she didn’t feel anything. “That scares me ’cause I don’t wanna fuck it up,” Shane rushes. Quiara’s not worried. “You’ll feel everything you’re supposed to feel on your own time,” she assures her. Problem resolved! Barely even a squabble! But … I already made the graphic.
Who Wins? Love!


Over at DaSoMi’s, Dani’s arrived home after a VERY stressful day of trying to con Bette into making some viral vids about Jeff Milner’s sordid secrets and is surprised to hear Sophie in her closet but SURPRISE, it’s not Sophie! It’s Finley, grabbing Sophie a change of clothes. Dani agrees to join her on her return jaunt to the hospital as soon as she changes ’cause she’s “covered in a rare combination of sweat and bullshit” and also ’cause she’s not wearing a bra so there’s some nice fanservice there. Finley asks what happens next with Bette — if she wins, Dani hopes for a spot in her administration, if she loses, well, “I don’t think about that.” Well, that’s enough small talk for the day!

Lesbian Squabble #22: She’s Taken She Is Yours
In the Ring: Finley vs. Dani
Content:

Finley: I think you should’ve been there for her today.
Dani: Excuse me?
Finley: She really needed you.
Dani: She asked me not to be there. Repeatedly. Asked me not to be there.
Finley: She should’ve asked —
Dani: She knows I’m fucking tapped out right now. I’m giving her all I’ve got.
Finley: Yeah but dude it’s her Grandma! Even I knew to be there.
Dani: Yeah! YOU should be there. Your life is nothing like mine.

Oof. Finley shoots back an “okay” and a facial expression that transmits exactly what Dani deserves as she attempts to backpedal, and fails. “Our life circumstances are different,” she stutters. “Yeah, I’m not her fiancee,” Finley responds.
Who Wins? Finley.


Cut on back to The Thruple Towers, where Alice is trudging home after a long day battling the patriarchy, eager to see her girlfriends and watch a little ocean-based reality television. She flings open the door to her boudoir to find Nat and Gigi, naked and unafraid. They ask if she wants to get in. Alice, almost as if she is unable to see the radiance laid out before her, declines.

Lesbian Squabble #23: Three’s Company
In The Ring: Nat/Gigi vs. Alice
Content: Nat’s confused — she thought this kind of thing was okay with Alice. I’m also confused, because Nat + Gigi seem to genuinely think this is okay, which means one of two things:

  1. The triad did discuss rules around separate hookups, offscreen, as all triads should do immediately upon venturing into thrupleville. Twosomes were approved. Now that Alice actually sees the twosome in progress, she’s not sure she likes it so much after all!
    This calls for: Another communication session!
  2. Nat thinks a conversation we in fact witnessed on this program gave her the go-ahead to have VERY hot sex with Gigi while Alice fantasied about sticking Drew’s head in a trash compactor. Nat is incorrect, because nothing they’ve said prior would suggest approval of this scenario.
    This calls for: A very serious apology from Nat and Gigi and a clear path towards reconciliation and trust re-building with Alice.

However, no such clarification is offered. I remain confused!

Nat: You’re mad?
Alice: No, I’m not mad. (turns around) I don’t — I don’t think this is what I meant.
Gigi: Okay. Should you two talk alone?
Nat: No, no we should all talk about it, right?
Alice: No no. You should stay um, Gigi. It’s your house. It’s your wife. It’s your whole fucking life.

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Nat yells for Alice as she walks out but Gigi holds her back. “Just give her time,” she says. This is bad advice.

Who Wins? NOT ME, THAT’S FOR SURE.


Alice jets right on over to Shane’s Hollywood Mansion, and she’s yelling about Gigi and Nat fucking before Shane can even get the door open. “I’m sorry, but what did you expect?” says alleged Yoda Shane. Before Alice can dig into that piece of meat, she senses a sinister presence in the home….

Lesbian Squabble #24: I Can Categorically Say That You Are Not The Bigger Bananahead
In the Ring: Alice vs. Bette
Content: “You are not the only one dealing with some really hard shit right now,” Bette says. She’s sorry, she should’ve told Alice. Bette wasn’t afraid Alice would spill her beans all over Echo Park, she was afraid Alice might judge her! “Why would i judge you?” asks Alice, who definitely would’ve judged her. “I’m in a THRUPLE. With two ex-wives. I mean, you should be judging ME.” Good news! They make up and share a deep hug of love. Shane smiles.
Who Wins? Friendship!


Over the river and through the woods, to DaSoMi’s house we go, where mother is sad and Micah is mad and her sleep shirt is adorable!

The rumors are true I’m… a Maxxinista

Mom apologizes for earlier and says she’s trying her best, which Micah says isn’t good enough. Apparently Micah’s Dad — who’s dead, just like everybody else on this show and just like I have been since Alice walked out on potentially reconciling with her thruple for my own personal entertainment — was “so much better at all this.” Mom promises to do better and also by the way, “have you told that sweet boy that you love him yet? ‘Cause he loves you too.” Mom says their relationship is “very real.” Maybe Mom has access to some deleted scenes…


We go to the hospital, where SOPHIE IS READING WOMEN BY CHLOE CALDWELL TO HER NANA AND I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT!

“She fucks me from behind with her hand, on her face, against the wall, on the bedroom carpet. I moan.”

Finley arrives with a stone-faced Dani in tow, and Sophie’s relieved, a little bit, to see her. But she looks at Dani tentatively, afraid to lean in too much, and then at Finley familiarly. “I should’ve been here sooner,” says Dani, avoiding eye contact, like she just walked into a chill lunch meeting. But of course, within minutes of arrival, Dani’s phone blows up — the attack ad has gone live and all the baby butches on Bette’s campaign team are in a full panic.

We gotta get all these bbs on a group text this is not efficient communication

Looks like Jeff Milner has apparently hired the same team that edited the legendary Sue Sylvester attack ad circa Episode 306 of Glee to create a video that would absolutely not pass muster in the TV/Radio class I took in 1996. The ad opens with a photograph of Bette and Tina and Angie:

Throwback #21: Bette and Tina in the driveway of the house where they met the girl who wasn’t sure if she wanted to give them her baby

“Bette Porter wants you to believe her family is just like yours,” says an ominous narrator before the above family picture is SHATTERED by a hammer. This is a very subtle throwback because that pic is from Episode 604, when Bette and Tina drove inexplicably far from home to meet a pregnant teen who was considering handing over her little baby to these suspicious ladies:

I took really tiny screenshots in 2009

I’m curious if this was intentional, meant to suggest that that family had provided the photo to the Milner campaign, or if this is SUCH a deep cut that only me and Tibette Dot Com actually recognized the neighborhood and remembered the scene.

“We know better. She’s not afraid to sleep with your wife,” says the ad, as if that’s a bad thing, followed by a very carefully chosen millisecond of Bette’s scuffle with Tyler.

Because Bette Porter Wants YOU to say no to Drugs. Specifically, opioids.

“Fuck! I knew this was gonna happen,” Dani is consumed. Sophie knows what’s coming next.

Who told the press about the time Bette Porter kidnapped Angelica and took her to Mexico without a sippy cup?

“I’m sorry, I need to handle this,” and Dani rushes out without even a pat on Sophie’s back. It’s not unreasonable that Dani might have to immediately depart for a job emergency. (Although subsequent scenes make me doubt this situation couldn’t have been handled via phone.) But now? With their relationship on such rocky ground already? After Dani failed to show up all day (she could’ve taken a half-day and spent the rest at the hospital working remotely!), and only is there at all because Finley asked her to come? Instead, it’s just another moment in which Dani and Sophie seem irreparably disconnected. Sophie’s not even surprised. She’s already given up.

“I’m sorry bud,” Finley sighs, offering to beat Dani up and then sitting on the arm of Sophie’s chair.

Want me to just skip ahead to the part where they break up so we can really double down on being sad?

Sophie opens the book back up: “I’ve been reading her my favorite lesbian love story so that she’ll wake up and yell at me.” Finley laughs. Sophie tries to laugh, too.


Dani has teleported to Bette’s Beautiful Home to discuss this savage and very low-resolution turn of events. Dani’s furious Bette didn’t let her prep a little home video of her own to fire back at Mr. Milner, but Bette is resolute: “I told you, I have morals. I have standards.” Dani interrupts, only to be interrupted by a change of course from her passionate hero: “And if you think I’m gonna let this homophobic asshole take me down with this bullshit, you really don’t know me at all.”

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You know, some viewers have detected a little bit of sexual tension between us.
Yeah. I’ve heard the rumors.
How do you feel about stoking the flames of that particular fire, right now?
Into it

Bette offers Dani a whiskey. Dani says yes like she’s been crawling through the desert for 40 days and 40 nights in search of some whiskey. Bette delivers a suggestive facial expression. Dani shoots one back. Excuse me!


We return to The Hospital. Sophie’s walking Finley out, down the mostly-empty corridor. It’s late. “Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?” Finley asks. Sophie’s sure. There’s barely enough room for her in there. “I can sleep anywhere,” Finley asserts, and boy do I believe it.

When I was in The Hunger Games, I slept on a pile of rocks every night, and it was totally fine

“I love you,” Finley says, facing her.

Sophie looks Finley up and down, this friend this bro she’s had for so long who is suddenly feeling like something different. The girl who’s been here for her all day when Dani couldn’t, or wouldn’t. The girl who just offered to bike home, get Sophie a pillow, and bring it back to the hospital.

Remember when she said Finley was the best part of her day?

“Yeah, I love you too,” Sophie says. Their eyes lock, but that’s scary, so it stays brief. Finley nods and says “okay” the way you nod and say “okay” when you can’t say what you really want to say.

She starts walking away, for real this time — but Sophie grabs her arm before she goes too far.

“There’s a moment, there’s always a moment; I can do this, I can give in to this or I can resist it.”

Finley bites her lip, knowing “what she wants” and “what she can have” are lining up but… “what she should do”? What she should do is walk out the door. What she does do is walk back to Sophie. Something has shifted between them — how Sophie feels about Dani, maybe. Resigned. Over it. Tired.

On Finley’s end — she’s never known Sophie as a single person. Sophie’s not single, of course, but she’s now not entirely taken, either. Sophie doesn’t feel taken. She feels left behind. So all those needs and all that romantic/sexual energy and all those desires she usually directs at Dani are just free-floating now, ready to be grabbed. This tension started building up last episode and now it’s out there. It’s really out there and every sideways smile and extra favor Finley’s given her today is part love and part “I see you.”

Sophie’s open and she’s sad, and Finley’s a wreck, and in that opening — in that wreck — is something they never noticed before.

Finley’s tone here is something along the lines of “fuck we shouldn’t do this but damn I really fucking want to” and what she says — whispers, really — is what are you doing, buddy. Because Sophie knows that Finley is going to go right along with whatever her buddy is doing — whether that’s going for it or holding back. And so her body goes ahead and does just what her buddy’s is doing, too. Sophie steps closer, leans in.

What are you doing, Finley says, one last time, one last moment for their eyes to meet and change their minds but…. you know. They don’t.

“In my memory it happens quickly…
Everything of hers in everything of mine.”

The music plays, the camera recedes, they smash closer to each other and further from frame. There they are in the hallway, experiencing the full weight of a) kissing your best friend b) realizing wow, I really like kissing my best friend? There’s something here? Because it goes from kissing to swallowing real fast.

Finley’s sober. She’s been sober all episode. And Sophie’s not a stranger.

It’s scary and thrilling but… now they’ve both betrayed Dani. Sophie primarily, of course, but she’s Finley’s friend, too.

And Sophie can never go back.

I can though. I watched this scene TEN TIMES like a TEENAGER and I DON’T KNOW WHY. Drew even made me a tiny clip for my phone of “what are you doing buddy” so I can watch it whenever I feel like it. Some of my affection, certainly, is that this storyline wasn’t predictable and wasn’t actively teased (aside from the clip of them dancing at Kit + Denny’s), so it landed a bit differently than those we were prepared for. (I felt the same way about Alice and Dana at the end of Season One.) Some of it is the incredible performances by Jacqueline Toboni and Rosanny Zayas, who have tangible chemistry, who communicate so much in such small movements and so few words. Some of it is its authenticity, and how fucking relatable it is.

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But some of it is something else I can’t pinpoint.

SORRY EVERYBODY I’m a Sinley shipper now!


Well, friends — now it’s time for our weekly montage! First up we’ve got Alice drinking on Shane’s deck…

Hahaha remember when I was in a love triangle with Dana and Lara and also when I was in a love triangle with Jamie and Tasha I wonder if maybe I should talk to my therapist about this

We’ve got Bette and Dani enjoying an adult beverage…

Should we… fingerbang?

Micah and Jose eating Mom’s weed gummies…

Weedheads 4ever!!!

Throughout all this we listen to a truly bananas voicemail from Alice’s alleged girlfriend, Nat, with whom she shared a home and also another girlfriend. Nat apologizes that Alice came home to that, says she doesn’t even know what to say, but that she needs time “to figure out what I’m doing and what I want,” didn’t mean to hurt Alice, and WILL CALL HER IN A FEW DAYS TO MEET UP. What?


A FEW DAYS LATER, AT THE MEET-UP? Sure, why not! Alice rolls up to an airy restaurant, a great place for an intimate conversation about a complicated romantic and sexual relationship involving a D-List celebrity, to find Gigi and Nat looking positively radiant, and bearing good news.

What should we tell her about first, the glass dildo/18-strand flogger or the Coco DeMer linen bondage rope?

Gigi and Nat and Alice share apologies and acknowledgments of the complicated situation. Everything is seemingly going well so far.

Nat: “I think it brought a lot to the surface that we needed to sort out. And, you know, we’ve spent the last few days — Gigi and I — really getting into our issues and really speaking really honestly which has been really nice?”
Gigi: “And we had a lot of baggage that we were holding onto? But I think we’re better now.”
Alice: “Better?”
Nat: “And now you know, we can be better together, and for you. And I think we can make this work.”

Ah, a perfect situation! All the messiness around Gigi and Nat’s divorce has been sorted, so now this throuple that Alice pushed for can finally thrive. Or…….

Lesbian Squabble #25: I’m Sorry What
In The Ring: Alice vs. Nat & Gigi
Content: Alice is “so glad I could be there to help push you guys towards hashing out your divorce and get you to a really really good place.” She is glad that she was “of use” to them. Was it… better when they were constantly on the verge of an epic battle that’d take into account all battles previously fought and won?  “What we’re saying is we want you to come home so WE can work on this,” Gigi emphasizes, still thinking maybe this is just a very weird miscommunication. But then Alice is horrified to hear that Gigi’s been at Nat’s house this whole time. Again, Gigi emphasizes that they want to work things out with Alice. But Alice isn’t having it. The tortilla soup is delivered with two spoons, which is a very cuckoo way to share soup with somebody you’ve probably fisted 48 times in the past decade and maybe even once or twice within the past 48 hours, and Alice is out. She doesn’t feel NEEDED here. She says they look really good together and they don’t need her!
Who Wins? ABSOLUTELY NOT ME


Elsewhere in this fine city, Sophie’s getting her steps in with Maribel while discussing the huge mistake she made: kissing Finley. It’s just that Finley brought her snacks and was with her all day and she was gonna go and Sophie didn’t want her to go and so she kissed her. “I feel like such a piece of shit,” Sophie concludes.

It’s just that Cheetos make me really horny?

Maribel says she’s not a piece of shit, and asks if she’s gonna tell Dani. Surely Maribel doesn’t think Sophie and Dani should get married. Her whole family’s been edgy around it from the jump, you know? Sophie says she’s not gonna ’cause it’d crush her. And there’s no point, ’cause it’s never gonna happen again, right? Right? Maribel’s not so sure. Right? Sophie asks again. Maribel remains not so sure. Personally… I’m sure. There’s something here. Please make this messy #Sinley chaos happen, Generation Q! Do it for me personally!

Sophie sighs, drinks her coffee. “Fuck.”


In conclusion, let me share this excerpt from our Generation Q Group Chat (containing me, the co-hosts of the Generation Q podcast — Drew Gregory and Analyssa Lopez — and podcast producer Lauren Karen Klein):

Drew: Are we ready for 107 to come out and realize that this group chat is filled with the only Sinley stans
I think people are really gonna be against it
Riese: Oh no
Will this be my shenny
Lauren: Hahahahaha
Drew: Yes
Lauren: How can they be against it!
Riese: I think people will be into it
Dani sucks for Sophie
Lauren: Dani and Sophie suck
Riese: Sophie is great and Finley is at her best when she’s with Sophie
Drew: But people have been way more anti-Finley in general than I expected
Analyssa: I am constantly shocked at how little people like Finley I find her SO charming
Riese: Dani honestly needs to be with a Tina!

DISCUSS

The Round Up:
Sexy Moments: 1 this episode, 15 total
Squabbles: 5 this episode, 25 total
Throwbacks: 1 this episode, 21 total
Number of Times I Rewatched a Finley/Sophie Scene: 16 (I’m using “a” instead of “the” here in hopes of manifesting future scenes.)
Quote of the Week:
“I’ve been reading her my favorite lesbian love story so that she’ll wake up and yell at me.” – Sophie

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