One time when I was 16 years old and in love with my best friend, I tried to run over her boyfriend in the parking lot of a car wash. I mean, okay I didn’t actually try mow him down, but I pretended that I was going to smash into him to scare him — because he’d just pulled a prank that physically hurt her — and also I wanted to actually gravely injure him. In fact, instead of thinking about kissing my best friend, I spent a lot of time imagining ways to destroy her boyfriend, verbally eviscerating him in conversations with myself and lifting weights at basketball practice imagining I might get strong enough to punch him through the wall. I didn’t know I was a lesbian. I just drove around in my truck — my truck! — scream-singing the Indigo Girls’ cover of “Romeo and Juliet” and thinking of ways Tad Jefferson could be obliterated.
YOU PROMISED ME EVERYTHING, YOU PROMISED ME THICK AND THIN, AND NOW YOU JUST TURN AWAY AND SAY, “ROMEO? I THINK I USED TO HAVE A SCENE WITH HIM!!!!!”
I’m telling you this because, with the luxury of hindsight, I can look back and say it’s the most repressed gay shit anyone has ever done in their life. In fact, as professional lesbian for over a decade, I would now say that I am a qualified expert in gay shit. Which is why I am comfortable proclaiming that Taylor Swift’s new song, “betty,” track 14 from her surprise Folklore album that dropped last night, is extremely gay shit.
It goes like this: Betty left Taylor Swift’s homeroom, and Taylor knows it’s because of her some true rumors that broke Inez’s heart, but listen, Taylor’s only 17 and it was only a summer fling, and then Taylor saw Betty dancing with a boy — a boy! — and she was heartbroken too. But what if Taylor came to Betty’s party anyway? Would Betty tell her to go fuck herself? Or would Betty, and I quote, “kiss me on the porch in front of her stupid friends”? They already kissed before, and Taylor was wearing Betty’s cardigan. So.
Oh, wait, one more thing: In this song, Taylor Swift skateboards. COME ON.
According to the album’s liner notes, this song is written from the perspective of James, and there are two other songs on Folklore written from the perspective of Inez and Betty (“Cardigan” and “August,” respectively). But, as Gaylor Twitter was quick to point out, Taylor Swift is named after James Taylor.
This album is Blair Waldorf and Serena van der Woodsen walking away from each other in the Hamptons
— Carey O'Donnell (@ecareyo) July 24, 2020
betty – taylor swift
— 𝘭𝘢𝘶𝘳𝘢 🥦 (@brochupanties) July 24, 2020
i’m sorry but betty, that’s it, thats the tweet pic.twitter.com/nHyPl3hBCP
— tahlia (@tahliamaddisonn) July 24, 2020
Just finished listening to betty pic.twitter.com/EL0JOcIVv5
— Andrew (@henryevil) July 24, 2020
taylor swift writing betty pic.twitter.com/nDuPvBNMHq
— folklore lockdown (@littIew0men) July 24, 2020
@taylorswift13 omg babe apology accepted of COURSE I’ll lead you to the garden and then I would trust the SHIT outta you
— Betty Who (@BettyWho) July 24, 2020
Look, I know. Come out or stop it. Stop teasing us with your pansexual flag dress. Stop making these queer music videos if you’re gonna keep not say out loud that you’re queer. It’s good that you finally got political, that you supported the Equality Act so vocally, that you donated lots of money to the Tennessee Equality Project, and et cetera. But also dang, come out if you’re going to!
On the other hand, this would have been an excellent song to add to my 16-year-old repressed lesbian repertoire. It’s an aching, lonely, pining, sorrowful, huge queer mess of emotions that sounds gay and feels gay and, no, it wouldn’t have stopped me from trying to maim Tad Jefferson, but it would have definitely been a nice soundtrack to accompany my sobbing because my BEST FRIEND was hanging out with her boyfriend instead of me.