Today The Toast has closed its doors, but these perfect pieces will live in our hearts forever. We love you, Mallory and Nicole, you beautiful fucking geniuses. Thank you for everything.
“If Cate Blanchett were your girlfriend, she would try to resolve every single fight by doing the same funny high-pitched voice. You would end up using the same technique yourself at work, but after your boss said, “What the hell, are you a child?” you would realize that some things work only for Cate Blanchett.”
“MY FULL ENTIRETY OF A REACTION TO YOU CAN BE SUMMED UP THUSLY AND FOLLOWING: SHAVEN’T, NOT AS IN SHAVE-ENT BUT RHYMES-WITH-HAVEN’T. SHAVEN’T. I SHAVEN’T YOU. SHAVEN’T. YOUR WHOLE ENDEALMENT, I DON’T PRIZE.”
“you ever eat just like a piece of fruit my lad?? it’s good as hell, it’s what happens to flowers if you leave ’em alone for long enough, don’t let me tell you what to do though, you clearly have your house in order, just a suggestion”
MONK #1: how tall are most women
MONK #2: tower sized but normal heads
MONK #1: cool thank you
MONK #2: here to help
MONK #1: ooh while i have you though
most dogs look –
MONK #2: emotionally destroyed
MONK #1: got it, ty
“It never really hurts, except when you allow yourself to imagine: what if things had turned out differently? How would it have been if she’d lived, if she’d been lucky? You would have had a mother, which is to say that you’d be a different person entirely. You would be someone who could believe in the notion of luck as something within your reach; of yourself as a person who might be lucky, or blessed, or even just normal.”
Mallory: Who was your Tori? How much do you still irrationally resent her?
Rachel: Kill, fuck, marry: Paulie, Tory, and Mouse. I feel like by virtue of having a Paulie, that makes me my Tori.
Riese: Rachel is her own Tori.
Laneia: If I have a Tori, I don’t resent her.
Rachel: And/or every girl in college ever.
“Any woman who has ever owned the Cucumber Melon body spray from Bath & Body Works, even if it was only a Christmas gift when she was thirteen and she hardly ever used it, is a witch.”
Cartoon Characters Who Were Significant In The Development Of My Queer Identity And Current Inspirations For My Weightlifting Routine
The fox version of Robin Hood, Robin Hood
Influence on queer identity: Roguishness
Weightlifting inspiration: Endurance, cardio
[My cat looks at me]
i dont love you at all
“Remember when they were beating Rodney King? You yelled at me in the morning from the living room while I was trying to get ready for school. Come out here you said. They’re beating this man on television. Hurry up. But I didn’t want to hurry up. I was a teenager. You can’t hurry when your mom says hurry when you’re a teenager. You have to take your time. You have to act like everything she says is the stupidest, most unnecessary and most annoying thing in the history of people. You have to believe she’s exaggerating, mom. There’s no way they’re beating a man on television.”
“I am also pleased by the jelly-like appearance of the blocks – while I deal with the more traditional mammalian gelatin in my professional life, the gelling agent has also been successfully extracted from insect sources. I truly wish, dear reader, that I could leave it there, and congratulate Mr. Bong on his choice.”
Transmisogyny And Disc Golfing Round Table: A Chat With Mey Rude, Frances Lee, Gabby Bellot, and Brook Shelley
MALLORY: I’m trying to qualify my statements because these are not, like, hard and fast rules, and I realize I have only an imperfect understanding of these dynamics.
MEY: Yeah, there’s sometimes the idea that trans men were “socialized as women” and trans women were “socialized as men” which is an idea with so, so many problems
MALLORY: as if socialization stops when you transition!
BROOK: and there are some trans men I’ve known who are cool with that, and the sex and community they get from those attitudes. And some who are like “Whoa, that’s disgusting. If you won’t date a cis guy, you can’t date me.”
“But “fancy” is more than just aesthetics: it’s elaborate. Why can’t they pick one or the other? Midwest Power Gay was asking. Why do they have to configure their gender in such ornate ways, with spectrums and genderbread people and brightly colored hair? Why do they need pronouns that aren’t grammatically correct, or have unexpected “z”s? In short: why can’t they just be like everyone else?”
“Malfoy bought the whole team brand-new Nimbus Cleansweeps!” Ron said, like a poor person. “That’s not fair!”
“Everything that is possible is fair,” Harry reminded him gently. “If he is able to purchase better equipment, that is his right as an individual. How is Draco’s superior purchasing ability qualitatively different from my superior Snitch-catching ability?”
“I guess it isn’t,” Ron said crossly.
Harry laughed, cool and remote, like if a mountain were to laugh. “Someday you’ll understand, Ron.”
7. Always wearing thin leather necklaces; in love with a straight girl
“After I sent out my messy TinyLetter, readers and friends responded with emails and texts. I stood in my dark driveway and read them on my phone, feeling the same small lift that a bold 1 comment link gave me in the LiveJournal days, a feeling so familiar and specific that it swayed nostalgic, like listening to a mix tape I’d made as a teenager.”
“Also, no one dates Lisa.”
Wait, What: “Mr. Douglass talks about the wrongs of the Negro; but with all the outrages that he to-day suffers, he would not exchange his sex and take the place of Elizabeth Cady Stanton.”
“They’ve already ripped off the entire lower half of Pentheus’ body and they are not calling it a day. Gotta rip up the top half too. The official word for “Dionysus-crazed women ripping men and animals limb from limb,” by the way, is sparagmos. The ancient Greeks had a NAME for what happened when women tore men to pieces! Truly it was called the Golden Age of Civilization for a reason.”
4. If Kristen Stewart were your girlfriend, you would be the only person in the world who knew how often she really smiled.
Share your fave Toast pieces in the comments!