Relevant To Your Interests: I’d Rather Be In Hyrule

Welp, it feels like whole world is going to hell in a handbasket. Trump violence, climate change, and we lost an hour of sleep. And I thought I was tired all the time before. I’d rather be in Hyrule, like, even with Ganondorf running amok; Ganondorf feels less scary than Trump. And I feel like if I’d rather be in Hyrule, some of y’all might want to join me.

Zelda Books


Two books: one for writing, one for reading. On the left, we have Legend of Zelda: Hyrule Historia, which is exactly what it sounds like. Yup, that’s the history of the game and the history of Hyrule, all in one book ($30). On the right, a Zelda journal ($20).



Queermos, I present to you: a Majora’s Mask leather wallet ($39), Triforce Cufflinks ($110) made by a former armourer (how badass is that!), a Heartpiece keychain/necklace ($8) for when you could use a little extra health, and this Ocarina of Time Hylian Shield patch ($8) for your denim vest. Oh, and don’t forget an accessory for your dog —


— your dog can just be Link ($40).

Home Goods


And now to Zelda-fy your home with: a Link Stained Glass Wall decal from Wind Waker ($35), a Hylian Shield wall clock ($37), a Triforce cutting board ($19), a map of Hyrule ($20) and an awesome keyboard decal ($16).

And for the Ultimate Escape


An actual Ocarina you can learn to play ($25). Imagine just busting this out and playing it whenever your favorite bar is projecting CNN Trump News onto the wall. I REJECT THIS REALITY AND SUBSTITUTE MY OWN.

In times of extreme stress—


just play the game ($277.99).

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A.E. Osworth

A.E. Osworth is part-time Faculty at The New School, where they teach undergraduates the art of digital storytelling. Their novel, We Are Watching Eliza Bright, about a game developer dealing with harassment (and narrated collectively by a fictional subreddit), is forthcoming from Grand Central Publishing (April 2021) and is available for pre-order now. They have an eight-year freelancing career and you can find their work on Autostraddle (where they used to be the Geekery Editor), Guernica, Quartz, Electric Lit, Paper Darts, Mashable, and drDoctor, among others.

A.E. has written 542 articles for us.


    • Actually…

      I do, but they sit mostly as decoration and zombie preparedness. They are fully functional though!

  1. The books look cool, but ultimately nothing beats the serenity of a Link to the Past play-through.

    I think when my current hyper frantic work project is over with, I will celebrate by cracking out the SNES and seeing if I can play Zelda all the way through without the cartridge dying.

  2. I’m loving this!

    However, I’m gonna jump on in and say, as someone who sells ocarinas, specifically the Ocarina of Time, don’t go through that seller. They mass produce the instruments for pennies through sweatshops. Half the time they don’t work.

    I’m speaking as a die hard Zelda fan, here. If you want an honest to goodness handmade ocarina that actually works, go through small business. If you want my personal recommendation, Stonehenge Ocarinas (he’s on etsy) is a one man production team. I own several of his ocarinas and I’m never disappointed. He even has replicas of the Ocarina that link plays!

  3. Considering I just paused playing wind waker so I could play twilight princess so I can play Hyrule warriors, I appreciate this post.

  4. ahhh. i love all these! my gf bought me a link’s shield tin of mints and when it ran out of mints i bought heart-shaped ones to put in it. very fortifying!

  5. I would also add that on etsy I have seen rings with the various zelda ocarina tunes on them. Super cool. Stumbled upon when searching for gifts for my zelda obsessed missus.

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