In which we talk about tragedy and then recap the lesbian parts of ABC Family’s Pretty Little Liars, which you can watch on Hulu or when it’s on the TV, which is Tuesdays at 8pm EST.

Watch Pretty Little Liars Pilot Episode 101:

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Watch Pretty Little Liars Episode 102


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PROLOGUE:
Pretty Dirty Beautiful Rich Sad Mad Liars

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The other day Taylor & I were talking about what it feels like to be young when something terrible and irreversably tragic and unexpected happens, like when you’re 12 or 14 or 16 and someone up and dies out of the blue, like someone “too young to die” and also close to you. A parent or a best friend or a girlfriend/boyfriend. Something like that. We were talking about how your whole life changes in that instant when the word “surprise” turns tragic on your tongue. How overnight you leave the world of children for the world of grown-ups. Overnight your heart starts stitching up walls for wartime or else it starts unraveling in fists or else it winds itself up tightly but temporarily.

You have now entered this unfair world where teenagers burn to death in car accidents and your father’s heart stops working just like that out of the blue and your best friend goes swimming in the dark and never comes up for air. That world.

“This happens. This is something that happens.”

-Magnolia

Crystal, another member of our Special Teenage Sudden Death Club, asked if Pretty Little Liars‘ lesbian storyline seemed speedy to me — Emily, the possibly-lesbian protagonist and Maya, her new friend, jump into flirting quickly with little hesitation despite having boyfriends. Doesn’t that seem a bit heady and fast.

But isn’t that how it is, I asked her. Isn’t this what we do; you lose everything and then feel you’ve got nothing left to lose. You do adult shit ’cause you think you can handle it, you don’t hesitate. Yes, Crystal laughed, I guess you’re right about that. I guess that is what we do.

We’re giving the writers a lot of credit here with this theory, but it’s interesting to think about nonetheless.

Risks seem less risky when nothing can be worse than what’s already happened, and it’s easier to feel ready to make adult decisions when you’re prematurely adult.

In combination with the heady bitchy queen-bee confidence Hannah Marin (Ashley Benson), Aria Montgomery (Lucy Hale), Emily Fields (Shay Mitchell) and Spencer Hastings (Troian Bellisario) all possessed even before their best friend Alison DiLaurentis (Sasha Pieterse) disappeared, this new post-tragedy devil-may-care attitude and unconscious self-destruction manifests itself in a kind of radical overconfident maturity.

All four girls enter into complicated, “adult” sexual situations within the first two episodes despite really knowing better. There is little hesitation and a lot of gumption, and relatively a reasonably ability to deal with it maturely afterwards.

But nobody really understands the troubled adolescent mind — not parents, not friends, not the kid herself. So it’s a recipe for complicated drama and so far, so good: Pretty Little Liars has a bit more promise than its CW-esque veneer might suggest.

But let’s begin at the beginning:

Pretty Little Liars centers on a clique of five teenage friends who dominate a school called Rosewood.  Well, actually, it’s about four teenage friends ’cause the show opens on a stormy night when the girls fall asleep during a slumber party and wake up to find Allison gone.

The present-tense action of the story begins a year later, when Aria has returned from a year away from Europe and the four girls are being terrorized by text messages from someone called “A” revealing knowledge of secrets only Alison knew. The set-up has a smacking of Gossip Girl with the gothic undertones of Six Feet Under.

It’s made clear that while the girls don’t know who killed Alison, they’re all lying to conceal a secret that is somehow related to her death.

But everyone has a secret. Everyone from parents to teenagers are engaged in some kind of illicit affair or potentially life-destroying secret.

The particular secret we will be focussing on this season is homosexuality, namely the story of Emily.

What a lovely name for a homo! Like bisexual Emily from Real World: DC and Intern Emily and Emily from Skins!

And now we come to Emily Fields, played by Shay Mitchell, on Pretty Little Liars:


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Pretty Little Liars: The Lesbian Parts Recap #1

Episodes 101 (Pilot) & 102 (The Jenna Thing)

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We know straight up that Emily is a little queer because Alison, on the night she disappeared, called Emily out for liking “Single Ladies” a little too much. You know, first you start thinking about all the Single Ladies, and then you start fingerblasting all the Single Ladies, and before you know it, you’re in a nunnery.

Spencer: Ali, did you download the new Beyoncé?
Alison: Not yet.
Emily: I’m loving her new video.
Alison: Maybe a little too much, Em.

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Pretending to be Hot for Teacher

Emily and Aria are in English class, excitedly but not convincingly telling Aria that a new male English teacher is starting and he’s a total stud. It turns out to be a dude that Aria actually banged the day before, which I think means we won’t have to talk about him again in our lesbian recap. He seems nice enough, and of course this goes along with the pattern of sad, confused girls entering into very mature, complicated relationships they may or may not be prepared to handle.

So far Emily seems like the more polite, easy-to-please member of the foursome — Spencer is the bookish one, Hannah is the new queen bee kleptomaniac eating disordered blonde (who looks a lot like Alison, which is confusing) and Aria um, has wide eyes and looks pissed off a lot of the time.


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Foxfire

Emily’s mother wants to know whether Emily’s friends are still dying their hair pink and coveting the devil, telling Emily that there’s no room in this little sleepy town for the Gothic lifestyle. This is a bad omen for her potential reaction to the Lesbian Lifestyle, and I say that as a lesbian who wears a lot of black leather and a studded belt most days.

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I Wonder if Harry & David Are Gay

Some strangers have moved into Emily’s recently-deceased friend’s house, so Emily takes them a welcome basket containing foie gras and other things that also recently died. The new neighbour’s name is Maya St Germain. She’s super cute and has curly hair and wears bright colors and smiles a lot.

In Maya’s Box… Office

Maya’s in the process of moving in, so she asks Emily to help her with her box. Instead of saying “that’s what she said!” Emily actually just helps her with the box, which is a giant missed opportunity. Emily spots a photo of a boy and starts up again with the hetero girl talk:

Emily: Is this your boyfriend?
Maya: His name is Justin.
Emily: He’s cute!
Maya: He’s also 3,000 miles away.
Emily: My boyfriend’s name is Ben.
Maya: What’s he like?
Emily: He’s a swimmer. Like me.

This is all code obvs.

“He’s a swimmer. Like me.” = It’s socially convenient for me to date him

“He’s 3,000 miles away.” = So we never have awkward moments where I don’t want to have sex with him and if you give me a hickey, he’ll have no idea.

Maya slowly and sleazily runs her eyes over Emily’s lovely swimmer body in approval. The sexual innuendo is running high and clearly their attraction is mutual and immediate and there’s zero mystery here. Crystal thinks this is ridiculous, but Riese thinks it makes total sense — you sense the lesbian vibe, you are sort of depressed on the inside and nervous, and so you just go for it! Like a tiger!

We Were So High We Thought She’d Definitely Died

Maya wants to smoke some weed, which we all know is a gateway drug to bi-curiosity. She sits on her bed and gives Emily her best come hither look and it’s really hot.

Maya: Is this your first time?
Emily: No. …  Yes.
Maya: So I’m corrupting you. Are you okay with that?
Emily: Yeah, I think I am.

SO ARE WE EMILY SO ARE WE


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Next: LESBIAN SLEEPOVER

I Won’t Jerk Away From Holding Hands With You

Emily walks Maya home, which is sweet but also weird because I though they were smoking pot in Maya’s house to begin with. They’re walking side by side, intentionally touching and bumping in to each other, it’s sweet. Or maybe they’re stoned and clumsy. Or maybe they just had a lot of thoughts about sandwiches and revolutions, as I usually do when smoking pot, and are feeling very smart and on the edge of a spiritual breakthrough.

Maya: I’ve never had a jock friend before. I guess that makes you my first.

“Jock” is probs code for dyke. Anyhow, every time Maya opens her mouth I feel like it’s some sort of innuendo for HOT LESBIAN SEX.

Her Rhythm Broke my Hunger and I Died a Little Less

Emily finally breaks the news to Maya that she’s moved into a dead girl’s bedroom. Maya tries to hit on her comfort her by going in for a super awkward kiss that lands somewhere in between Emily’s mouth and cheek. we’ve all done it. But Maya didn’t jump away and go EW I’M NOT LIKE THAT, which means we’re at least gonna get to second base here, this ain’t The Well of Loneliness.


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Time for Emily to get her first mysterious note from A!

This Better Not Be Another Spaghetti Dinner Flier

So she unfolds this nice piece of graph paper and reads it. Does she make a handwriting ID? ‘Cause I’m assuming that if this was in someone’s handwriting besides Alison’s, that’d be a red alert right?

Nothing Compares 2 U

KAZAAM! Alison and Emily had one of those special relationships we all love so much where your straight/bicurious best friend makes out with you to improve the level of psychological manipulation she can subject you to within the context of your friendship.


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So, Alison’s missing dead body was found, which is clearly super creepy, because as far as we all know, Verizon’s wireless coverage doesn’t extend to the afterlife. “Can you hear me now?” Nope, I cannot, because you are are dead.

Jenna shows up at the funeral. We don’t know who she is yet, but the girl’s aren’t excited to see her and look in fact horrified so she must be important.

After the funeral, the detective comes over to let them know that he WILL find out what happened that night because it’s not missing persons anymore, it’s a murder investigation. We hope it includes some lesbian makeouts.

Also, all four girls get another text message from A. Being harassed like this is bringing the foursome back together! The text is the same to all of them: I’m still here, bitches, and I know everything. -A.


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Maya goes to check how Emily is holding up and finds her chilling on the porch with the latest Sarah Waters novel, which is probs not as good as Tipping the Velvet.

Checking for Whisky Probs

Maya wants to taste her coffee to see if it tastes like pussy, Starbucks, or my personal favorite brand/the only brand I can afford, Cafè Bustello.

Maya: Can I have a sip?
Emily: Sure. Do you want your own?
Maya: I’d rather share yours.

[Recapper #1 Crystal: Can we talk about how they are blatantly hitting on each other even though they have boyfriends?
Recapper #2 Riese: Maybe they’ve already decided that this is the only way to be a lesbian in a town like this — with boyfriends, and secretly? It’s less scary that way, maybe.]

This Better Not Be Another Spaghetti Dinner Flier

Emily is still sad about the funeral and so they share an extended hug, which is when Emily’s mother rolls up. Maya is one of those people who hugs everyone right away (“me too!” – Riese) so she hugs Emily’s Mom like she’s already family, which is maybe appropriate because this relationship is developing at the speed of light. Emily’s mother sympathises with the creepiness of having to live in the dead girl’s house like on The Others and invites Maya to come share Emily’s bed.

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Um, for how long exactly? Because Allison isn’t gonna become un-dead and make the Haunted House less haunted. They should just turn it into a Tower of Terror like at Disneyworld.


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Hey Dude How’s it Going I’m Your Designated Douchehead Jock from Central Casting

Remember how Emily mentioned that she had a boyfriend named Ben? He exists and he’s at her locker, surprising her with a big hetero kiss, which she pulls away from awkwardly, like a lesbo. Now that she doesn’t have Allison to have secret affairs with (since Allison is so good at keeping secrets, it probs felt very safe and private), Emily tells him she’s got to skip their movie date because Maya is staying over that night and instead of being pissed off he’s turned on.

Ben: What kind of jammies do you think the new girl wears?
Emily: How would I know?

The lady doth protest too much. We’re hoping it’s something like this:


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Are You In or Are You Out?

At Emily’s house, Maya claims her side of the bed.

Maya: Do you have a side?
Emily: Sorry?
Maya: Of the bed.
Emily: I kinda sleep in the middle.
Maya: I kinda sleep in the middle too.

Is that code for being bisexual, or for being open to being in the middle of like making out with girls but also having boyfriends?

I’d Spend All Night Losing Sleep

Actually they both sleep on the left, Maya moving over to spoon and Emily taking her hand. It’s sweet and slow, you know this dance — you move one muscle and then another, waiting to see if there’s any resistance along the way, moving another finger or limb to test the waters as you go… and then going for the full on SEXBLAST

JK This is all  interrupted by a text message from her dead friend Allison, or someone pretending to be her dead friend Alison.


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The next day Ben picks them up for school and he’s a little douchey.

Two Chicks at the Same Time

Ben: So Maya, now that you’ve slept together, you’ve gotten further with Emily than I have.* What should I know?
Maya: Good girls don’t kiss and tell.
Ben: You don’t strike me as a good girl.
Emily: Shut up, Ben.
Ben: So did you guys get much sleep? I wouldn’t have.
Maya: I don’t know about Emily, but I slept like a baby.

*OMG, she’s doing that thing lesbians do where they keep putting off having sex with their boyfriends ’cause they really just don’t want to.

He’s a young man and the thought of these two women sleeping in the same bed makes him hot, and I guess that’s okay it makes me hot too. When Maya reaches out to touch Emily’s shoulder, Emily retaliates by pashing her jock boyfriend in the school parking lot.

I’m pretty sure this means Emily & Maya totally made out last night, right? And she feels guilty?

Straight People Kissing

Ben’s stupid jock friends come and interrupt them by banging on the car’s hood and taking pictures of the kiss on their cell phones which is weird and creepy, really, is this what kids do these days. Emily bolts from the car and is met by Hannah, another girl from the gang.

Hannah: You know, I’ve never thought of you as someone who would be comfortable with PDA.
Emily: Maybe I’m not the person everyone thinks I am.

She’s getting antsy. It’s coming out time.


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It Was a Queer, Sultry Afternoon

Emily has a heart to heart with her mother, who assures her that everything will get back to normal soon.

Emily: I don’t know what normal feels like anymore. I think there’s something wrong with me.

Her mother suggests that she find closure by reaching out to her girlfriends and that’s maybe part of the problem. It’s good advice, she thinks the four remaining girls need to find a way to say goodbye to Alison/reveal whatever terrible things they have done and they’ll find closure together. But I think Emily wanted to talk about how she thinks she has The Gay. Just a hunch.


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Also, Random Gay Moment:

Hannah’s friend: This sounds totally gay, but if I saw you struttin’ it in that dress and kicking up those heels then I would think about doing you.

There’s a few flashbacks in Episode 102. One of them perhaps explains ‘The Jenna Thing” — it turns out Alison accidentally firebombed someone’s house once because she claimed a guy across the street was spying on all of them undressing and stuff. I have no idea how this relates to Jenna, you’ll have to watch the show yourself to find out ’cause we don’t have time to recap it all!

Also, there’s this flashback when Alison gave everyone in the group bracelets of their friendship:

Alison asked Emily to help her put the bracelet on and it involved skin contact and sweet secret smiles and this is maybe when she knew, who knows?


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Are you watching Pretty Little Liars? Do you want to? You should give it a try. Well, you should read a book. This series was based on a series of  books you know. Read a book and then watch Pretty Little Liars!