Hey Sestras! Welcome to the recap of the season finale of Orphan Black, the show that just succeeded in mashing my mind grapes into brain wine.

We open with scenes of Sarah being stripped down and examined in a dark room. She is barraged with personal questions, from when she started menstruating to when she lost her virginity.

When did I lose my virginity? Ask your mom.

While she is being poked and prodded, we flash back to Mrs. S’s house in the aftermath of Kira’s abduction. Mrs. S tells Sarah to stay strong, but Sarah leaves to give herself up to Dyad. Back in the black room, we see Sarah surrendering unconditionally to Dyad.

Because I banged your mom, get it? But srsly, she’s a lovely woman, say hi for me.

Sarah sits in a Dyad interrogation room, where she meets Dr. Nealon. He gives her a contract to sign, although considering she’s handcuffed to a chair, none of this seems entirely consensual. Sarah says she’ll cooperate with whatever they want, she just wants to see Kira.

My name is Dr. Nealon, and I’ll be co-opting your body today.

Get in line, motherfucker

Over in Kira’s pastel bedroom of nightmares, a nurse is trying to get a cheek swab. Kira gives her the sample, but steals the nurse’s cell phone. Cheeky monkey.

She’s only 8, and already she’s mastered passive aggressive side eye.

Back in the lab, Scotty and Cosima are pissed because a bunch of Dyad suits are jacking their research and Kira’s bone marrow. They tell Cosima that Delphine is no longer her doctor, and that Dr. Nealon will be taking over. This is all on Rachel’s orders, apparently.

But no one knows my body, erm, my biology better than Delphine!

Speaking of Rachel, she fires a distraught Delphine from the clone project and gives her a one-way ticket to Frankfurt. Delphine is upset because Rachel used her, and just to be a total bitch about it, Rachel forbids her from saying goodbye to Cosima.

A coach ticket with two layovers?! You’re a monster!

Rachel tells her that Sarah’s procedure is imminent (oh shit) and that none of this is personal, it’s just business. Note: “it’s not personal, it’s business” is the douchebag catchphrase to end all catchphrases.

It’s not personal, it’s just resting bitch face.

In the lab, Scotty is furious that they’ve taken Delphine away, as she’s the expert on all things Cosima. Cosima then gets an email from Delphine telling her that it’s all up to her now (also, Delphine’s email is Eskimo Pie? That is so fucking cute).

And by “up to you” I mean it’s your turn to initiate frozen dessert role-play. Come at me, Klondike bar.

Cosima tells them that she is ready and willing to collaborate with all things Dyad, but she wants to know if she can see Kira. Once the Dyad guys leave, Cosima shows Scotty the email, which contains Rachel’s schedule. They see that Sarah is getting surgery and they need to stop it.

So you’re saying that by the transitive power of myself screaming, combined with yourself screaming, this would lead to a hypothetical scenario in which both test groups would be screaming for an iced cream?

Dr. Nealon, still with Sarah, tells her that they want to harvest her eggs. If she signs the contract, she’ll get to see Kira. With no alternate choice in sight, Sarah signs off on the procedure.

I’m gonna hunt those eggs like it’s Easter Sunday.

Kira is having a tea party with her toy octopus while Sarah watches her through a window. She then watches as Rachel enters the room and talks to Kira. Rachel tells Kira that her mother wasn’t very nice and laid hands on her.

And not the fun kind hands that make you tingly in your bathing suit area.

She also tells Kira that Sarah ran away, just like she ran away from Kira all those years ago. Rachel stares right at Sarah in the mirror and says that even mothers have to do what they’re told. Guys, Rachel is so creepy in this episode I can’t even.

I’m so into myself I’m about to make out with this mirror.

Back at Mrs. S’s house, Mrs. S is on the phone demanding car bombs and action. There’s a knock on the door and it’s Cal and his beard. Cal tells her that he’s Kira’s father and he’s here to help.

Would you like to buy a subscribtion to Vibe magazine?

This is an Essence household, thank you very much.

Mrs. S is pissed that Felix didn’t tell her about Cal, but he’s like, “biiiiitch, glass houses.” Through the power of the internet and Kira’s crayon drawings, Cal has figured out the whole clone conspiracy.

Can you order whiskey for delivery? Domino’s isn’t cooperating

Before they can dig into it, Felix gets a call from Art. Helena showed up on his doorstep and is now eating his cereal with her bare hands. Helena also says “hi sestra brother” into the phone and it’s pretty adorable. Felix rushes over to babysit Helena, and to maybe get a handful of those Golden Grahams.

And bring over some peanut butter and Nutella, this weed is just starting to kick in.

Sarah is led through the Dyad corridors, where she encounters Duncan, who is also rocking prisoner scrubs. He tells Sarah not to despair, but it kind of seems like despairing is in order here.

Meet me at the greenhouse, Red’s got a tunnel!

Felix gets to Art’s place, where Helena regales him with the story of Jesse the truck driver and their bar fight of love. Art asks Helena if she knows anything about the ranch, and Felix asks her if she burned it down.

Gilly, did you burn down the fish farm?

What?

GILLY!

Sorry!

Helena smiles and says no, which is her way of saying “obviously I did it, and I’d do it again.” Helena also tells them that after her heartbreak, she became roommates with a very good girl who had a crisis of faith.

We then cut to Gracie and Belt Buckle on the lam, where he assures her they can start fresh. Gracie wonders if she is sinner because she hopes her dad is dead, but he tells her he had it coming. She says that God will have to deal with both of them and the baby.

I spy, with my little eye, something impregnated by their father.

Back at Mrs. S’s house, Cal has drawn out a massive diagram of Dyad and all its ancillary shell corporations. Apparently they have dozens of SuperPACS and research groups all working on securing genetic patents. Mrs. S is like, “duh, I know” but Cal mansplains that she can’t internet like he can. You better check yourself Cal; Mrs. S has car bombs on speed dial.

If you get red sharpie on my table I will murder you in your sleep.

Basically, Cal is communicating with the person that tried to hack him. They open a chat window, where Cal asks for Mystery Person’s help. MP tells him to ask Siobhan about Castor, and Siobhan tells him that she has people on the inside too.

I’ll help you…into an early grave, bitches! XOXO, A

Cut to Mrs. S in an abandoned building, where she is met by Paul and a hummer full of military men. She asks is Paul is still ready to be a double agent and offers him a cup of tea.

Army Ranger Ken Doll

Duncan watches Rachel’s childhood videos in the screening room while Rachel brings him tea. She wants to know why her father isn’t decoding all the data for Dyad, and he tells her that he’ll unlock it when they cure Cosima.

Uniforms and tea…is this what British prison is like?

She demands the cipher key, but he refuses to give it to her. He asks if she remembers how much he loved her, and she tells him that she doesn’t: that’s why she keeps watching the tapes. Duncan starts choking and dying, having poisoned himself with his own tea bag.

Pooping is hard

Rachel cries and demands that he doesn’t leave her again, and he tells her that she doesn’t deserve him anymore. Despite Rachel being such an unsympathetic character, it is still a heartbreaking scene. All the acting awards for Tatiana Maslany, please.

If you don’t give me the key I will unhinge my jaw and swallow you whole!

Back in the abandoned building, Paul and Cal meet. Mrs. S is like, “I don’t know how Sarah does it” which is pretty funny considering she banged a guy in a public restroom just a few episodes ago. Game runs in the family. With Cal is Marion Bowles, Rachel’s boss. Mrs. S gives Marion information on Castor in exchange for her help in rescuing Sarah and Kira.

So I understand you’re one of Sarah’s many side pieces, yes?

Back at Dyad, Cosima visits with Kira. Cosima suggests they do a science experiment together, and Kira is all over it, as she is a genius baby. Cosima has Kira try to punch a hole in some paper with a pencil, and talks to her about force, acceleration, etc.

I want you to pretend that this picture is the patriarchy, and that pencil is a righteous sword of lady justice.

While she does this, we cut back to the lab, where Cosima and Scotty are rigging some sort of contraption based on the science she is teaching Kira. If physics were this exciting in high school, maybe I would have paid more attention.

I don’t know Cosima, now doesn’t seem like the best time to build a bong.

Cosima is getting sicker and sicker, and makes Scotty promise he’ll help Sarah. Scotty has swiped a Dyad passkey and assures Cosima he’ll get the device to her. Cosima has Kira draw a picture of what she learned, and they hug and are really sweet together.

Science, bitch!

Sarah gets strapped to a gurney and is taken into an OR. Dr. Nealon walks in and tells Sarah that instead of harvesting her eggs, he’ll be taking one of her ovaries out for research. He assures her she’ll still be able to have babies; in fact, he’s counting on it. Scotty, disguised as one of the nurses, sneaks in and tells Sarah he’ll get her out.

Also, since this procedure is out of network, you’ll be responsible for 80% of the cost.

Son of a bitch!

Rachel walks in and asks for a moment alone with her sister. She shows her the drawing that Kira made, which has a fire extinguisher on it. Sarah calls Rachel a psycho, and Rachel demands that Sarah give her the cipher key.

That fire extinguisher isn’t even drawn to scale, GO BACK TO RISD, KIRA!

Sarah has no idea where the cipher key is, but Rachel refuses to accept that. She takes the vials of Kira’s bone marrow and smashes them on the ground. What a dick move.

You it’s bad when Rachel’s perfect hair get disheveled.

Rachel goes to leave, just as Sarah eyes a note on the extinguisher that says “squeeze.” Sarah squeezes the handle and shoots a pencil right into Rachel’s eye! YOU GUYS, SHE BLINDED HER WITH SCIENCE!

It’s poetry in motion/
And when she turned her eye to me…

Scotty frees Sarah and gives her the passkey, while Rachel writhes on the ground. I’m sad for Rachel, but also super excited about the Burberry eye patch she’ll no doubt be rocking soon.

Sarah runs into Kira’s room to rescue her, but Marion is already there. Marion tells her that they are free to go, and that she is very impressed with Sarah.

I was just putting on her new coat…

That better be faux fur!

Marion assures her that she has opened the doors, but that this doesn’t end with Rachel. If Sarah wants the truth, she has to meet with her tomorrow.

Cal takes Sarah to meet up with Cosima and Alison in Felix’s loft. Both Cosima and Alison give Cal the thumbs up, and Cal meets the clone club.

Yeah, I’d give him three fingers in the butt…

I’d put a whole fist in there!

Cal tells Sarah that he is going to help and he’s going to be around for Kira, especially when she re-donates marrow in six weeks. She thanks him for getting Marion to help, and they kiss. Felix interrupts them and calls them “steamy potatoes,” which is my new favorite phrase.

NOM NOM NOM

Art has brought Helena, who wants to meet her sestras. It’s a clone slumber party!

Hey sestras, I brought Twizzlers, let get this party started!

Helena walks in and finally meets Alison and Cosima. Then Kira comes running and jumps into Helena’s arms. Kira was worried that she ran away, but Helena promises her that she came back to see her little face.

Well, Kira likes her, and she’s the smartest person on this show, so I guess we better get on board.

Ugh, you guys, Helena has a family now! Remember last season when Helena was the villain and all scary and now she has sestras and love and a community? I’m so happy for this fictional crazy person I can’t even deal with it.

I’m dying from all the feels

As if things couldn’t get more awesome, Cosima puts on a record and they have a clone dance party! They even dance differently, with Alison smacking Felix’s ass and Helena head banging. It’s a really impressive scene effects-wise, and it’s always delightful to see the clones in the same room.

It’s like Klub Deer up in this bitch!

TURN DOWN FOR WHAT

Early the next morning, Sarah and Cosima are lying in bed. Sarah asks what Cosima is thinking about, and she tells her that she’s thinking of Buckminster Fuller, sacred geometry, and repeating patterns in nature. She even has a spiral tattoo about this golden ratio.

If we hooked up, wouldn’t that just be a form of masturbation?

Only one way to find out!

Sarah says that they’re all so different, and Cosima tells her that she is the wild type. She’s a survivor who propagates against all odds. Sarah tells Cosima that they can’t figure all this out without her, and they start crying. Cosima says that no matter what, she has to keep moving forward and seeking answers.

It symbolizes the endless repeating patterns of nature. Also, vaginas.

They don’t notice Helena, who sneaks out of the apartment, leaving her nitrogen egg tank behind. She leaves the apartment when she is suddenly hooded, tased, and taken away. She drops Jesse’s hat on the ground as she is carted off. Dammit, can’t Helena get a break?

Srsly tho, fuck this plot point

Spin-off series about a sentient hat and its journey back to its owner, Suits Jr. The hat will be voiced by Michael J. Fox.

Sarah has left, and Kira tries to wake up Cosima. Cosima isn’t responding. Is she dead? Her eyelids flutter and she sees Delphine telling her not to be afraid.

Go toward the light emanating from my cleavage…

Cosima wakes up and realizes it’s Kira at her side. Kira asks Cosima to read her a story, and everyone exhales because Cosima lives to cough another day.

Ghost boobs?

Sarah arrives at Marion’s mansion, and she walks in. She sees a little girl with a leg brace on that looks identical to Rachel’s home videos. Her name is Charlotte, and she calls Sarah her big sister. It’s a baby clone!

When I grow up I get to look like you? Jackpot!

Yeah, but puberty is a bitch…

Back at the loft, Kira and Cosima finish reading a book. Kira hands The Island of Dr. Moreau to Cosima to read next, and Cosima is shocked to find Duncan’s cipher inside. Kira tells Cosima that Duncan gave it to her as a present.

I’ve never seen a book with so many cartoon penises before!

At the mansion, Sarah asks Marion if she is Charlotte’s monitor. Marion tells her that she is her mother, and she adopted her. She says that, like Mrs. S, she is emotionally invested in the clone project.

And like Mrs. S, I am literally a Pandora’s box of lies and deception.

Sarah thought they couldn’t make any more clones, and Marion tells her that there were 400 attempts and only Charlotte survived. Marion tells Sarah she is counting on her loyalty, because she is about to share something huge and risky with her.

So, is your thievery genetic or was that more of a nurture sitch?

Marion works for Topside, a groups that steers the Dyad, along with many other multinational groups invested in the future of genetic engineering. They are in it for the profit, but Marion has discovered evidence of another agenda that she couldn’t confirm without Siobhan’s intel.

It’s like, you can’t even trust super secret military ops anymore!

We then see Helena handcuffed in the back of a van with a bunch of military guys. She is taken off the truck and onto an airplane.

She looks so sad and scared I’m very upset

Marion tells Sarah that the military never shut down Project LEDA. It was split into two operations: Dyad created female clones, while Project Castor carried male clones. She leads Sarah to a locked room where they watch a man do pull-ups. Sarah recognizes the man.

Just blasting my delts, bro

Who are the male clones? Fortunately, they aren’t Paul. Unfortunately, they also aren’t Felix.

Siobhan and Paul watch as Helena is loaded onto an airplane. Siobhan says that Sarah will never forgive her, but Paul tells her she did what she had to do. Once again, Helena pays the price for powerful people’s mistakes.

We’ve just made a huge mistake.

Elsewhere, Belt Buckle and Gracie get married in an empty church.

I now pronounce you, creepy as hell! You may kiss your child bride.

As Helena is marched onto the plane, we see the face of one of the military men. It’s the same face that’s doing pull-ups in Marion’s mansion.

Does this mean I have to stop calling him Belt Buckle? Disappointed.

Belt Buckle is the male clone! He stops doing pull-ups and presses his crazy face against the glass and leers at Sarah.

Heyyyyyy Sestra!

Nope Nope Nope

And that’s it! I’m excited to see what the show does with male clones, although I hope it doesn’t distract from the female clone’s storylines. What did you think? This season answered a lot of questions, but it raised a million others.

Thanks for reading along sestras; I look forward to having a clone dance party with all you!

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