Orphan Black 206 and 207 MegaRecap! Road Trip to Family Day and Beyond

Hey Sestras!

Welcome to a deluxe two-in-one review of the sixth and seventh episodes of season two of Orphan Black! These would have been up sooner, but things like A-Camp, A-Plague, and A-Pain of Returning to the Hetero World have sidelined me. So what did I miss? ALL THE THINGS, apparently.

A-Camp Sex Tent

A-Camp Sex Tent

We open with Sarah and Helena camping out in a tent, on their way to find the Swan Man. Helena won’t disclose the location of Cold River, as she fears Sarah will ditch her crazy ass once she gets what she needs. Helena wants to know if she can bear children, as she is good with kids (DEBATABLE) and she’s pretty sure the Prolethians weren’t fishing around in her womb for spare change.

Here, Alison taught me how to hide vodka in soup cans

Here, Alison taught me how to hide vodka in soup cans

Helena tells Sarah she is a good mother, but Sarah is uncertain, what with the constant danger and all. Then Helena charms Sarah with some shadow puppetry and they laugh and bond together. Throw in a neverending game of UNO and it’s basically every family vacation I ever took.

...but what she didn't realize was that the killer was in the backseat of the car the entire time!

…but what she didn’t realize was that the killer was in the backseat of the car the entire time!

That's a scary ghost story

That’s a scary ghost story

Ghost story? I'm telling you about my Tuesday.

Ghost story? I’m telling you about my Tuesday.

You guys, I’m loving sweet, silly Helena. I mean, we all know she’s a cold hearted assassin, but she just wants love. Despite hunting them down, she just wants to be a part of the clone club. Helena and Sarah go to sleep, head to foot like a human yin yang. And then Helena cracks a massive fart. Classy move, Helena.

I call this "shadow scissoring"

I call this “shadow scissoring”

In the mean time, while they’re dutch ovening the tent, Paul breaks into their car and goes through the glove box. He finds the Swan Man picture, and looks… well, I can never tell what emotion Paul is trying to convey. But he looks at it. Real hard.

Happy? Sad? Diarrhea?

Happy? Sad? Diarrhea?

The next morning, Helena and Sarah are back on the road. Helena is fiddling with everything: the mirror, the radio, Sarah’s nerves. She turns on “Sugar, Sugar” and starts singing along at the top of her lungs.

Are we there yet?

Are we there yet?

OB206-00032

Sarah is annoyed, but quickly laughs in spite of herself. It’s basically just like the movie Crossroads with Britney Spears only not at all.

It's not just all physical/ I'm the type who won't get oh so critical

It’s not just all physical/
I’m the type who won’t get oh so critical

Over at Dyad, Delphine is examining Cosima for any reaction to the therapy. There’s no sign of reaction, so they are safe to proceed with treatment. Cosima is worried that Sarah and Kira will get sick, and she’s upset that she’s scared them by revealing her illness.

Delphine, that's not remotely close to bondage

Delphine, that’s not remotely close to bondage

Delphine promises her that everything will be fine once they implant the stem cells into her uterus. Cosima is unsure, as the only thing she wanted implanted in her uterus was Delphine’s finger babies.

Okay, but I only want free-range, organic stem cells.

Okay, but I only want free-range, organic stem cells.

Lab geek Scott shows up to help with all the science. Delphine wants him there because he’s the best sequencing tech around, but Cosima doesn’t want to get anyone else involved in clone club. She tries to send him away, but Scott assures her that he already knows about the clones, and is ready to get his science on.

Clones here? Nope, don't know nothing about clones, no siree.

Clones here? Nope, don’t know nothing about clones, no siree.

What if I pose like a frowny faced gangster? What then?

What if I pose like a frowny faced gangster? What then?

Meanwhile at rehab, we drop in on group therapy with Alison. Alison is hesitant to share with the group, but her counselor tells her that she needs to take responsibility.

There aren't enough garbage disposals for you people.

There aren’t enough garbage disposals for you people.

Before she can dodge any more therapy, Alison is shocked to see Vic walk into the room. Vic the Dick is back!

Are you guys looking for "The Worst"? Cuz I'm here.

Are you guys looking for “The Worst”? Because I’m here.

Wrong finger, Alison

Wrong finger, Alison

Across town, Felix is in the midst of an artistic vodka-fueled bender. Art walks in and Felix almost attacks him, but then settles for grabbing his ass.

What do you say we get a jump start on celebrating Pride?

What do you say we get a jump start on celebrating Pride?

Ugh, I would love it so hard if these two became a couple. Alas, Art is just there to check up on Felix.

Back at rehab, Vic confronts Alison for that time that she maced him. Alison is like, “Dude I go through a can of mace every week, you’ll have to be more specific.”

Come at me, bro!

Come at me, bro!

I already maced you. I've got a taser, a nine, and full bottle of Grey Goose. Step off, bitch.

I already maced you. I’ve got a taser, a nine, and full bottle of Grey Goose. Step off, bitch.

She tells Vic that she and Sarah are clones, but he doesn’t believe her. He also says that the Godhead has put her there to test him. What the fuck is a Godhead? I’m confused.

Back on the greatest road trip ever, Sarah and Helena stop in front of the church where Swan Man was last seen. Sarah goes into the church and tells Helena to wait in the car. I hope she cracked a window.

And if you fuck with my pre-sets, we're no longer related!

And if you fuck with my pre-sets, we’re no longer related!

Inside the church, Sarah sees photos on the wall and meets a Creepy Church Woman. CCW tells Sarah that the photos show the Cold River Institute. Turns out the church has saved all of Cold River’s archives and is keeping them in a scary church basement.

Hi, I'm looking for a place. A place of screams, specifically. This looks nice.

Hi, I’m looking for a place. A place of screams, specifically. This looks nice.

CCW tells Sarah that a Mr. Peckham has visited the archives several times, and Sarah tells her that she’s his student and needs to examine the files as well.

Allow me to escort you into a creepy as fuck basement.

Allow me to escort you into a creepy as fuck basement.

Meanwhile, Helena gets out of the car and heads to a bar across the street. Dammit Sarah, that’s what child locks are for!

I shall find out what is so happy about this hour

I shall find out what is so happy about this hour

Back at Dyad, Scott explains that he figured out the clone secret using a lot of sciency terms that I don’t understand. Also, he wants to see a clone. Cosima tells him one step at a time.

And then I was like, the limit does not exist!

And then I was like, the limit does not exist!

We get it dude, we saw Mean Girls too.

We get it dude, we saw Mean Girls too.

Helena has ordered one of everything and is working her way through a pile of drinks. A big guy tells her to pace herself, but she’s like, “I’m on vacation.” He then tries to get her to join his table, but Helena is in no mood.

Accurate depiction of my weekend

Accurate depiction of my weekend

When Big Guy tries to drag her over, she sprains his finger. They are broken up by a cute guy named Jesse (Suits Jr. from Suits) who apologizes and offers Helena pork rinds. She offers him a white Russian. I think it’s love. Meanwhile, Belt Buckle walks into the bar.

#notallmen

#notallmen

the fuck you just say?

The fuck you just say?

Down in the church archives, CCW tells Sarah that what she sees in the archives will haunt her. Sarah is like, “A few days ago I was tied up in a shower and watched my once thought dead twin murder my torturer, so I think I can handle some dusty old files.”

They came down here to do research for their dissertation...and they never returned!

They came down here to do research for their dissertation… and they never returned!

Donnie visits Alison in rehab, and Alison is pissed he didn’t bring the kids. She tells him if she shows up without them again she’ll cut off his dangly balls. Vic tries to calm them down and tells Alison that anger is a tool. As a confirmed tool, he knows what he’s talking about.

If my eyes could shoot lasers, you'd be fucking toast.

If my eyes could shoot lasers, you’d be fucking toast.

Also, Vic is on a Buddhist kick and is bowing to people and saying Namaste and Alison is having fucking none of it.

Sarah pours over files and finds old photos of deformed babies and medical records. Also, there’s a picture of “Most Perfect Baby,” which is weird because I was born in 1984 HEYO!

Go away, I'm looking at vintage porn!

Go away, I’m looking at vintage porn!

Felix wakes up, covered in paint and hungover. Art is still there; he’s made coffee and is currently assembling a True Detective-style evidence map on the wall. He needs Felix’s help to make sense of all the evidence they hauled out of Maggie Chen’s storage locker.

Time is a flat circle

Time is a flat circle

How about a flat circle jerk?

How about a flat circle jerk?

Back at rehab, Alison finds Vic praying in the gym and starts playing one-handed basketball. She tells Vic that Felix filled her in on his douchiness, and Vic assures her he’s changed/is enlightened now.

I've got what the kids call "game".

I’ve got what the kids call “game.”

Alison asks why she needs to fess up about her drinking, and Vic tells her that it’ll make her feel better. They play basketball together, and it’s almost kind of cute.

The delightful moment when you spell "hor" in horse.

The delightful moment when you spell “hor” in horse.

Back at the bar, Helena spins a yarn for Jesse about her life. She claims to have been a detective, a scientist, and a soccer mom, but now she’s having adventures with her sestra.

Also I wrote the screenplay for Les Girls, then I fell in love with my lead, then I got blackmailed, then I hid the film in an attic.

Also I wrote the screenplay for Les Girls, then I fell in love with my lead, then I got blackmailed, then I hid the film in an attic.

And then you had vigorous strap-on sex during a charity bike marathon? That I don't buy.

And then you had vigorous strap-on sex during a charity bike marathon? That I don’t buy.

Jesse wonders how a simple guy like himself could ever keep a woman of a million occupations like Helena. They arm wrestle and he loses. Paul and Belt Buckle watch from the bar. Belt Buckle wants to give Helena a minute to enjoy herself, because miracles need drinks too.

You don't look like your profile picture.

You don’t look like your profile picture.

Yeah, Hank says that photo filters are the work of the devil.

Yeah, Hank says that photo filters are the work of the devil.

Sarah is on the phone with Cosima telling her about Cold River. Apparently, they were doing all sorts of experiments on babies such as eugenic sterilization and Project LEDA-style clone shenanigans.

Delphine and I have been working on a new invention. We're splicing the DNA of a pizza with the DNA of a bagel.

Delphine and I have been working on a new invention. We’re splicing the DNA of a pizza with the DNA of a bagel.

Cosima says that good intentions and bad science often go together, and that scientists are just poking around looking blindly for answers. Can any scientists verify this in the comments section? I had a sneaking suspicion that’s what was going on.

But if you did that, you could have pizza anytime!

But if you did that, you could have pizza anytime!

Sarah asks Cosima if she’s going to be okay. Cosima assures her she will be, but we know that’s not certain. Sarah tells Cosima she can’t do this without her, and Cosima is like, “obvs, I’m the geek monkey.” They discover that Duncan aka Swan Man was at Cold River.

Was Cold River doubling as an oversized lapel club?

Was Cold River doubling as an oversized lapel club?

Back at the bar, Helena continues to beat Jesse at arm wrestling. A slow song comes on and he asks her to dance.

A lifetime of murder builds killer biceps.

A lifetime of murder builds killer biceps.

They are actually really sweet together, and it reminds us that Helena has never experienced this before. She had no childhood, no adolescence. She’s only ever been a pawn in some evil man’s game.

Let's slow dance middle school style

Let’s slow dance middle school style

Speaking of evil men, Paul and Belt Buckle are at the bar divvying up the twins. Paul will take Sarah, Belt Buckle will take Helena, and no blood will be shed. As if on cue, Big Guy breaks up the dance and Helena starts beating the shit out of him. This escalates into a full on bar brawl.

NOM NOM NOM

NOM NOM NOM

This is what happens when you get between me and a sure thing!

This is what happens when you get between me and a sure thing!

Sarah tells the CCW that there are some files missing. Maybe they were taken by Duncan or Maggie Chen. As Sarah exits the church, she sees Helena being taken away. You can’t leave that girl alone for a second.

Helen'as face tho

Helena’s face tho

But my pre-sets are unchanged, right?

But my pre-sets are unchanged, right?

At the police station, Helena is handcuffed to a bench and asking for her boyfriend. The guys aren’t pressing charges, so she’ll be free to go. The cop tells her that her sister is there to pick her up, but its not Sarah, it’s Gracie.

Fuck the police!

Fuck the police!

Helena recognizes Gracie’s lip scars and tells her she’ll heal. Gracie admits she tried to kill her, but now she just wants her to come home. Helena says that Sarah needs her, but Gracie tells her Sarah isn’t coming. She tells Helena she wants to take her to her babies. Hank has made her eggs whole and sees something beautiful in her.

But how do you live?

But how do you live?

No fucks to give!

No fucks to give!

Helena wants the chance to be a mother, and goes willingly with Belt Buckle and Gracie. She takes Jesse’s hat and demands to be taken to her babies. Helena is really breaking my heart in this episode.

Heavenly Father blessed this trucker hat just for you.

Heavenly Father blessed this trucker hat just for you.

Sarah calls Art from the car and asks him to take care of Helena. Dammit Sarah, leave no clone behind! Although since she has like, a million warrants out for her arrest, it’s probably best to stay away from the po-po. Felix finds a medical record for Andrew Peckham that they can use to track Duncan’s whereabouts.

Moment of appreciation for Felix's pants.

Moment of appreciation for Felix’s pants.

Back at Dyad, Delphine and Scott talk about the stem cells. They aren’t tagged with copyrights, which means they came from a female relative of the clones. Delphine begs Scott not to say anything to Cosima.

Also, don't tell her about that burrito I ate. We're supposed to be doing a juice cleanse.

Also, don’t tell her about that burrito I ate. We’re supposed to be doing a juice cleanse.

Alison and Vic are making nametags for Family Day, and Vic goes outside to smoke. He gets in the car with Ange… turns out Vic’s been giving her info on Alison in exchange for his charges being dropped. I bet he’s not even Buddhist!

Masturbating with my left hand isn't easy, but nothing good is.

Masturbating with my left hand isn’t easy, but nothing good is.

Ambisextrous? Interesting.

Ambisextrous? Interesting.

Meanwhile, Sarah has tracked down Duncan. She knocks on his door and guess who opens it? Mrs. S, sporting a gun and a cute beanie. Never change, Mrs. S.

Sarah, I've been playing "who's at the door" since before Riese was born.

Sarah, I’ve been playing “who’s at the door” since before Riese was born.

Sarah and Mrs. S argue in Duncan’s house, which is basically a hoarding situation. Sarah is pissed that Mrs. S has been lying her entire life, and Mrs. S tells her that she also got caught up in a struggle she didn’t ask for. The only difference is, Mrs. S has been doing it a lot longer at Sarah, which is why she is so much better at it.

I don't have to explain myself or this bonkers sweater to anyone!

I don’t have to explain myself or this bonkers sweater to anyone!

Before Sarah can acknowledge this sick burn, she demands to know where Duncan is. Mrs. S has been hiding him and keeping him safe in exchange for info on Cold River experiments. Dyad has been after them both ever since. Sarah finally meets Duncan, who is a pained-looking older man. He offers her tea, but Sarah is in no mood.

Anyone else disappointed he's not covered in feathers?

Anyone else disappointed he’s not covered in feathers?

She asks Duncan why they were created, and he tells her they were looking for proof of concept. The military recruited them in 1976, and they succeeded in cloning embryos. But once the military was done with them, Dyad hijacked the project and made them continue. Duncan says that once they went too far, it was hard not to go all the way. They wanted to make little girls so they did.

Sarah debates accepting tea from the filthiest kitchen ever.

Sarah debates accepting tea from the filthiest kitchen ever.

Paul pulls up outside Duncan’s house and Mrs. S goes out to meet him. Sarah tells Duncan that those little girls are all grown up and are real people now. He asks if she’s met Rachel, and she tells him she’s a real bitch. He begs to see her, but Sarah is like, why would I help you?

So did you engineer Rachel to be such a bitch or was that nurture?

So did you engineer Rachel to be such a bitch or was that nurture?

Mrs. S offers Paul some tea and a deal. He tells her he was sent by Dyad, and she tells him that Dyad is a hydra (hail hydra!). Mrs. S recognizes that Paul is trapped in his position. She tells him he’ll have to go through her to get to Sarah, and that he’ll have to go through them both to get to Duncan.

Look kid, if I can't make your character interesting, no one can.

Look kid, if I can’t make your character interesting, no one can.

She also knows about Afghanistan, because she knows everything apparently. She tells Paul they could be friends, and an alliance starts brewing. She also has biscuits in her pocket! She is the perfect woman.

Why do you have so many Valpak coupons!?!

Why do you have so many Valpak coupons!?!

Sarah asks Duncan if his family with Rachel was ever real or just an experiment. Duncan tells her it was both: he was her father and her monitor. He says that Dyad isn’t even the enemy, it’s the neolutionists inside Dyad, namely Dr. Leekie. Sarah demands that he help the clones, that’s he’s responsible for them.

They just keep sending them to me, I can't stop it!

They just keep sending them to me, I can’t stop it!

Sarah tells him that the little girls he made are dying, and he’s the only one who can help. Duncan tells her that he tried to expose the whole program, but Leekie killed Rachel’s mother and has been hunting him down ever since. Dundundun!

My face when I realized I had to do two recaps.

My face when I realized I had to do two recaps.

This takes us to the next episode, where Vic and Alison are in rehab discussing Aynsley. Alison tells him that Aynsley always acted so superior, and she had it coming. When Vic presses her, she tells him that she banged Aynsley’s husband.

Look, I'm not saying it'll work, but we may as well try snorting this glitter, right?

Look, I’m not saying it’ll work, but we may as well try snorting this glitter, right?

Vic tells her she’s brave for sharing, and she feels good about it. Also, she let her choke to death. Vic’s face is priceless, as he realizes the woman he’s crafting with is a murderer. Alison feels relieved and unburdened to confess, but Vic is stunned.

Come on, just one junior mint!

Come on, just one junior mint!

What do you think this is, a Glee recap?!

What do you think this is, a Glee recap?!

Also, she made him gloves with a missing pinky because she cares. Never change, you beautiful butterfly.

You snitch, these gloves will need a lot less fingers.

You snitch, these gloves will need a lot less fingers.

Sarah and Mrs. S are trying to get Duncan to leave his house, but he won’t go until he finds a red box. This is a pretty difficult task considering his house is literally a pile of garbage. Mrs. S and Sarah try to figure out who they should side with, Dr. Leekie or Rachel, but neither of them seem safe. They agree to divide and conquer. Duncan is psyched to discover his chapstick. Little victories, y’all.

If I uncover one more cat skeleton, I'm gonna lose my fucking mind.

If I uncover one more cat skeleton, I’m gonna lose my fucking mind.

Back at rehab, Alison overhears Vic on the phone to Ange. He plans to tell her everything, and Alison looks panicked. She made those gloves for nothing!

But we played basketball together!

But we played basketball together!

Over in Cal and Kira’s Camper, Cal is doing research on Dyad. He figures out that Dyad hacked his computer and is tracking him. I’m no computer expert, but I think his best plan would be to throw that laptop out the Winnebago and drive away.

The files are INSIDE the computer? It's so simple!

The files are INSIDE the computer? It’s so simple!

Back at Duncan’s petri dish of a house, Sarah finds the red box. Cal calls her and tells her about the hacking. She’s worried, but he assures her he’s thrown them off the trail.

Sweet, free calculator!

Sweet, free calculator!

Mrs. S wants to know who has Kira, but Sarah doesn’t trust her. Mrs. S still feels responsible for Kira, and for Sarah really.

Back at Dyad, Cosima lies back on an examining table as the stem cells are implanted in her uterus. Delphine is holding her hand and kissing her; the whole scene is shot like a love scene.

Bow chicka bowWOW THAT SPECULUM IS COLD

Bow chicka bowWOW THAT SPECULUM IS COLD

I think the message here is that invasive surgery is much better when a hot French girl is there to nuzzle you.

Nuzzles brought to you by socialized medicine.

Nuzzles brought to you by socialized medicine.

Alison calls Felix in the middle of the night in a panic. She’s terrified that Vic will rat her out to Ange, and she’ll go to prison for killing Aynsley. Alison says she doesn’t have the temperament for prison, because if anyone tries to touch her in the shower she’ll cut a bitch. This strikes me as the exact temperament for prison, but whatever.

But I don't want to be Piper, I want to Alex!

But I don’t want to be Piper, I want to be Alex!

Sweetie, we all wanna be Alex. Get in line.

Sweetie, we all wanna be Alex. Get in line.

I think Alison would thrive in prison. She’d make like Red on OITNB and have that place wired within a week.

Cal and Sarah meet up at the docks. Cal wants to know what the story is with all these aunties Kira keeps drawing, but Sarah assures him it’s just an overactive imagination. He invites her into the camper, and they are sweet and flirtatious and all is good.

I'm just gonna level with you here...

I’m just gonna level with you here…

Kira's a shitty artist.

Kira’s a shitty artist.

Back at Dyad, Paul reports to Dr. Leekie. He tells him the Prolethians took Helena, and Sarah didn’t lead him to Duncan. Looks like Paul is now playing on Team Mrs. S. Dr. Leekie is working on developing synthetic amniotic fluid and artificial wombs as a hobby.

But what do you think of my new desktop?

But what do you think of my new desktop?

Paul’s hobby is pottery. UGH PAUL, EVEN YOUR HOBBY IS BORING (JK, pottery is a legitimate activity, please don’t come after me in the comments, pottery enthusiasts). Dr. Leekie tells Paul he needs to meet with Marion Bowles. So that’s a thing that will happen.

My specialty was handcrafted ashtrays, but with everybody vaping now I have a surplus. #potteryprobs

My specialty was handcrafted ashtrays, but with everybody vaping now I have a surplus. #potteryprobs

Back at the hoarder house, Duncan takes some disks from the red box and tells Sarah and Mrs. S that they contain everything. Maybe the cure to clone sickness?

Floppy disks? Is there a time machine buried here as well?

Floppy disks? Is there a time machine buried here as well?

Back at Dyad, Cosima overhears Delphine and Scott talking. So many plot points on this show are based on someone overhearing someone else. Does no one in the Orphan Black universe know what an inside voice is?

Is this what Sandberg means by leaning in?

Is this what Sandberg means by leaning in?

Cosima discovers that she has in fact been given Kira’s stem cells, and she’s horrified. Delphine tells her they were set up by Leekie to find the stem cells, and that she only knew after the cells started working. Cosima is heartbroken that Delphine wouldn’t tell her, as it’s her body and her science.

You have broken my heart and my vagina.

You have broken my heart and my vagina.

Delphine tearfully assures her that this was the only way to save her. Apparently they got the cells from one of Kira’s baby teeth and they need to bring Kira in to harvest more cells. Cosima tells Delphine to get out and they are both crying and it’s basically the worst. It’s not like Delphine has bad intentions either, she genuinely wants to save her girlfriend. But Cosima has just about had enough of other people controlling her body and her life.

But they're just baby teeth! She's not even using them!

But they’re just baby teeth! She’s not even using them!

It’s Family Day at rehab, and Alison is dressed to impress in her power suit. Vic walks into her room to find Felix, who calls him a selfish manure bag of a man (nice insult!). Vic apologizes but tells them he doesn’t have any other options. Felix tells Vic that Sarah is pissed, and Vic perks up at the idea of seeing Sarah.

You're a dick. A dick in a nice sweater, but a dick nonetheless.

You’re a dick. A dick in a nice sweater, but a dick nonetheless.

What he said!

What he said!

Over at Dyad, Dr. Leekie meets with Marion (aka Maryann from True Blood), a Dyad executive.

Damn, that jacket is dreamy.

Damn, that jacket is dreamy.

He tells her that Duncan is alive and they discuss what to do regarding Rachel. Once she finds out the truth, will she side with her father or with Dyad? Marion also says that Sarah Manning is increasingly becoming a problem.

I'll just do what I did on True Blood: raise my hands to the sky and start vibrating.

I’ll just do what I did on True Blood: raise my hands to the sky and start vibrating.

Back at the docks, Cal asks Sarah to run away with him to Reykjavik. Sarah says no, as she hates glaciers and an all fish diet. Cal wants to know her big secret, but she still refuses to tell him.

Did you know that in Iceland they put mayonnaise and fried onions on hot dogs?

Did you know that in Iceland they put mayonnaise and fried onions on hot dogs?

And you want to move us there? I told you Cal, it's mustard or nothing!

And you want to move us there? I told you Cal, it’s mustard or nothing!

Sarah then gets a call from Felix, who says she needs to come meet them at rehab. Alison expressly tells her to come “clean up her doodoo,” so you know she’s serious.

And by "doodoo" I mean your fucking bullshit ex.

And by “doodoo” I mean your fucking bullshit ex.

Family Day is in full swing and everybody gets a decorated nametag… except for Donnie. I legit laughed so hard at this.

Aaaaand none for Gretchen Weiners.

Aaaaand none for Donnie.

Felix brings Sarah in the back way and takes her to Vic. Vic wants to atone for all his shitty behavior, and Sarah is like, “you’re absolved, now fuck off please.”

Sarah, I'm sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes and Noble. And I'm sorry I told everyone about it. And I'm sorry for repeating it now.

Sarah, I’m sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes and Noble. And I’m sorry I told everyone about it. And I’m sorry for repeating it now.

WHO DID YOU TELL?!

WHO DID YOU TELL?!

Alison is finally reunited with her kids and her shitty husband. Yay kids! Boo Donnie!

Barely tolerating Donnie's presence.

Barely tolerating Donnie’s presence.

Vic wants Sarah back, but Sarah is not at all interested. In the midst of trying to win her back, Vic passes out and face plants on Alison’s craft table.

Vic woke up on Ke$ha's dressing room floor so confused.

Vic woke up on Ke$ha’s dressing room floor so confused.

Wow, snorting glitter will fuck you up!

Wow, snorting glitter will fuck you up!

Felix admits he spiked Vic’s tea and lacks a back-up plan regarding the now unconscious Vic.

At Dyad, Mrs. S shows up to meet with Dr. Leekie. She tells him she has all of Duncan’s research, and she’s willing to trade it and Duncan himself for Kira’s freedom. She says that Sarah can handle herself, but Kira deserves better. Leekie seems to consider it.

You do accept floppy disks, right?

You do accept floppy disks, right?

Yeah...in 1992! But seriously, give me everything you have.

Yeah… in 1992! But seriously, give me everything you have.

Sarah and Felix drag a passed-out Vic onto the bed. He’s covered with glitter, feathers, and other crafting detritus. Mrs. S calls Sarah and tells her that Rachel doesn’t know that Leekie killed her mother. They agree to drop the bomb on Rachel and blow up Dyad’s shit. Mrs. S is officially the best partner in crime on the planet.

And boom goes the dynamite!

And boom goes the dynamite!

Dynamite goes boom.

Dynamite goes boom.

Suddenly, the rehab counselor knocks on the door and demands that Alison come out and participate in Family Day. Sarah is forced to slap on a headband and pretend to be Alison, which means we’re in for my favorite Orphan Black device: clones pretending to be other clones!

You've been douching for 25 minutes, enough already.

You’ve been douching for 25 minutes, enough already.

While Sarah is off pretending to be Alison, Alison finds Felix and Vic. Felix is all, “I drugged him, you’re welcome” but Alison tells him that family will be touring the rooms and they have to get Vic the fuck out of there. Glitter covered criminals are not part of the festivities.

Jesus Christ, he looks like he just fucked a disco ball!

Jesus Christ, he looks like he just fucked a disco ball!

Ange pulls up at the rehab center and wait for Vic to show up.

Resting Bitch Face: Special Victims Unit

Resting Bitch Face: Special Victims Unit

Meanwhile, the counselor tells Sarah that she has to make the opening remarks in front of everyone. Uh oh, spaghettios. Also, Sarah Stubbs is there, ready to cheer Alison on. I love her.

Seriously Sarah, nobody is that excited for Family Day at rehab.

Seriously Sarah, nobody is that excited for Family Day at rehab.

Or maybe I'm wrong.

Or maybe I’m wrong.

Sarah gets up and proceeds to pull a speech out of her ass. She starts by calling the rehab patients pillheads and boozehounds, and the counselor is like, “WTF are you doing?”

I told you that in confidence Alison, get it together!

I told you that in confidence Alison, get it together!

Ange storms into rehab looking for Vic, while Alison and Felix are dragging Vic’s body all over the rehab center to hide him.

Worst/best piggyback ride ever?

Worst/best piggyback ride ever?

Sarah now has to perform a role playing exercise with Donnie, who does a pretty great Alison impression. Sarah watches through the window as Alison and Felix cart Vic’s body up and down the stairs. Meanwhile, she has to pretend she’s Alison pretending to be Donnie in their role play, and shit is getting way too complicated.

Is he for real with this pledge of allegiance shit?

Is he for real with this pledge of allegiance shit?

Also, is this exercise really appropriate to do in front of Alison’s kids? Sarah excuses herself to tinkle, and leaves this shit show.

Be honest: if you had to fuck this guy, you'd drink yourself into a stupor too, right?

Be honest: if you had to fuck this guy, you’d drink yourself into a stupor too, right?

Felix and Alison narrowly avoid Ange and text her from Vic’s phone to go back outside. Sarah meets them back in Alison’s room, and they are both like, “seriously, what the fuck was that?” Just when everything seems sorted, Donnie walks in and is shocked to see Sarah.

I'm the Mary, and you're the Rhoda.

I’m the Mary, and you’re the Rhoda.

Alison tells him to cut out the act, but Donnie isn’t acting. Turns out he’s just as big an idiot at we thought, and is completely in the dark about the clone conspiracy.

You lost me at hello.

You lost me at hello.

OMG your husband is stupider than he looks. And he looks like a fucking dumbass.

OMG your husband is stupider than he looks. And he looks like a fucking dumbass.

The staff find Vic passed out behind the reception desk and assumed he fell off the wagon… and into a pile of glitter.

How I look the morning after Pride

How I look the morning after Pride

Mrs. S brings Paul and Rachel to meet Duncan, and Rachel reunites with her father. While Rachel comes face to face with the horrifying truth about Leekie, Paul and Mrs. S discuss their next moves.

This show is turning into coat porn and I love it.

This show is turning into coat porn and I love it.

I know it's been twenty years but...can I borrow the keys to the car?

I know it’s been twenty years but… can I borrow the keys to the car?

Back at rehab, Donnie tells Alison that he had no idea about the clones. He thought he was doing a long term social metrics study that he was recruited for in college.

You ruined our marriage for sociology?!

You ruined our marriage for sociology?!

For Communications or Anthropology, I understand, but SOC?!

For Communications or Anthropology, I understand, but SOC?!

Alison screams at him that he destroyed their lives with all the spying and lying, and he’s so dumb he doesn’t even know why. Donnie fumes as Sarah and Felix sneak out.

But I washed my hands. That has to count for something, right?

But I washed my hands. That has to count for something, right?

Rachel meets Dr. Leekie in his office and tells him that her dad says hi. Dr. Leekie tells her to think carefully and not do anything rash, but Rachel is cold as ice. He tells her they were setting science back decades and he had to intervene, but all Rachel hears is the destruction of her family. He tells her not to fight, that it’s already done.

Also, you wore a lab coat to my sweet sixteen. What kind of a monster are you?

Also, you wore a lab coat to my sweet sixteen. What kind of a monster are you?

Rachel then calls Marion and puts her on speaker. Turns out Dyad values Rachel more than Leekie, and Marion has given her the go ahead to eliminate him.

You said it was dressy casual!

You said it was dressy casual!

Leekie starts to cry, but Rachel says she won’t kill him. He thanks her for sparing him; it’s foolish, but she can’t help it. Leekie raised her. Nurture prevails. Leekie kisses her on the forehead and leaves.

Forehead Kiss: the staple of all condescending men

Forehead Kiss: the staple of all condescending men

Sarah is at the docks when she gets a phone call from Cosima. Cosima hates that she has to ask, but she needs Kira’s stem cells.

Is there a non-creepy way to ask for Kira's teeth? No? I need them anyway.

Is there a non-creepy way to ask for Kira’s teeth? No? I need them anyway.

Sarah is ambivalent, but Kira overhears the conversation and pulls out her loose tooth. Looks like the kid is on board. Sarah leaves with Kira and says goodbye to Cal.

I assume this means the Tooth Fairy will be paying me double, right?

I assume this means the Tooth Fairy will be paying me double, right?

Meanwhile, Leekie is on the street trying to catch a cab. A car pulls up, and it’s Donnie. Donnie pulls a gun on Leekie and demands that he get in the car. He blames Leekie for ruining his marriage, but Leekie tells him that he’s merely a footnote in the science.

But I'm a white man! Everything is supposed to work out for me!

But I’m a white man! Everything is supposed to work out for me!

Leekie tells him he wouldn’t even have Alison if it weren’t for him. He also calls Donnie a turnip, which is pretty accurate. Leekie tells Donnie to go home, and Donnie refuses to participate anymore.

It's not going great for me either. Maybe we should join an MRA group.

It’s not going great for me either. Maybe we should join an MRA group.

Donnie slams his hand on the steering wheel in frustration, forgetting that he’s holding a fucking gun. The gun fires and blows Leekie’s brains out. Whoops. Goodbye Dr. Leekie.

I just made a huge mistake

I just made a huge mistake

Next week: Cosima coughs up blood and I throw my television out the window!

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chelsea-s

Chelsea Steiner was born and raised in New Orleans, which explains her affinity for cheesy grits and Britney Spears. She currently resides in sunny Los Angeles, where she works as a screenwriter/blogger/sex educator. She's the writer/director of Thank You Come Again, a queer sex positive web series based on her experiences working the Pleasure Chest, which you can follow on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. She’s obsessed with dachshunds, Buffy, 90's dance parties, and roller derby. She loves the word "Jewess" and wishes more people used it to describe her. Follow her ramblings on Twitter and her cute puppy pics on Instagram.

Chelsea has written 1 article for us.

11 Comments

  1. Yay mega-recap! I’ve been looking forward to this.

    Things I loved in these episodes:
    – Helena singing. More of that please.
    – Cosima actually called Delphine a puppy.
    – Alison’s method of expressing her current feelings towards Donnie: non-decorated name tag. BURN.
    – Mrs. S is not only a badass, but a badass with a thermos and some biscuits in her pocket. She is the whole package.

    Present thing I’m worrying about: Cosima’s going to be okay, right? They won’t kill her. Right??

  2. Okay so that stem cell scene was way too weird. Delphine just kept asking “can you feel that?” and like sex and stem cells shouldn’t go well together? Or maybe they should? I don’t know, I had a lot of conflicting thoughts about getting hot and heavy while someone has a speculum in their vag.

    Also, Art and Felix are my new headcanon and I need it to become a Real Thing.

    • I thought that Delphine was asking Cosima “Can you feel that?” because she was numb from the anaesthetic they gave her. And she was kissing her and nuzzling her to comfort her and distract her from the (probably very uncomfortable and definitely very scary) procedure. I didn’t read it as a sex thing, more of a romantic and comforting thing thing. But that’s just how I saw that scene.

      • I think that’s exactly what was happening. Granted, that doesn’t totally eliminate the weird juxtaposition between very clinical science thingy and romantically kissing your girlfriend, but I guess their relationship has never been cut and dry. After all, Cosima is the scientist and the subject and Delphine is the girlfriend, the other scientist, and the monitor.

  3. Excellent recaps (and a tall task)!

    I feel like I’m going to get my ladyqueer card revoked for this, but I was kind of excited that Cosima told Delphine to get lost. I really want to see this chemistry, but I don’t. Delphine bores me to tears. Am I the only one?

    Does anyone else feel like some of the supporting cast is too similar-looking on this show? I get a lot of the white dudes confused and now I’m confused about Ange and Marian.

    • You are not alone—I’m not really seeing the chemistry, either.

      Also, Ange is stupid and annoying and not a very good actor. Marian is MICHELLE MOTHER-FREAKIN’ FORBES and she is AWESOME and more badass and hotter. So there’s that. Though I will grant you that there are now 3 brown-haired white ladies in their 40s/50s. I think the solution is to get rid of Ange and then have Siobhan and Marian mud-wrestle their way to the top.

  4. Thank GAWD! I missed the recaps so much. Never leave us again.

    (Or do, because you have a life and all.) But seriously: the recaps are probably 25% of my enjoyment of the show. Thank you for your public service.

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