Over in the corrections office, Caputo confronts Bennett who is drinking a green smoothie situation. Of note, I suspect, for the first time ever, that Bennett might be a lesbian when he expresses belief that chewing tobacco and drinking kale smoothies merits a net neutral.

Is that a disposable mug? You know we only allow reusable mugs in here. You know that!

Caputo goes off on Bennet about how they shouldn’t have any friends on the inside and to be careful not to trust anyone or ask for advice or get too chummy. This of course resonates in his brain for about 5 seconds too long before he realizes that Red has been sneaking contraband in. He is pissed.

Just sharted

Across town, at the chemo infusion center Rosa’s CO goes to check on Morello. It’s not exactly relevant to the plot, but it’s one of my favorite exchanges of all time.

You gotta hundred dollar bill put ya hands up!
You gotta fifty dollar bill put ya hands up!
You gotta twenty dollar bill put ya hands up!
You gotta ten dollar bill put ya hands up!

Morello: Fischer never came to visit when she had Rosa. You know what she used to do? She’d bring me a health bar and a cold Dr. Pepper at the end of the day. Isn’t that thoughtful? Maybe you could do that when you come to check on me?

CO: I’ll see you in an hour.

Morello: Maybe you could just bring me an empty bottle that I could pee into, I can’t get out of the van, right?

CO: Oh, you can get out and take a squat in the back and then get back in.

Inside, the receptionist goes out to take her cigarette break which means that it’s time for Rosa and Beanie Baby’s heist! Beanie Baby fakes like he’s going to the bathroom while Rosa fakes like her port is leaking!

re: all men

Beanie Baby digs through the nurse’s things while Rosa distracts her discussing her 2 karat diamond ring and its cost. Let that be a lesson to you kids, women are easily distracted by their engagement rings and all the money men spend on them.

Oh see I would never want a square cut like this.

The heist goes without a hitch.

Suck it bitch.

Rosa: I never thought I’d get so excited over sixty-three dollars.

Rosa hands Beanie Baby his hilariously small cut of twenty bucks, which he doesn’t realize is actually totally fair after The Patriarchy Tax. Just then, Beanie Baby gets taken to speak with the doctor and his mother.

Twenty dollars? Haven’t your read The Fault in Our Stars? Teen cancer is totally trending right now.

Beanie Baby: This isn’t enough!

Rosa: It’s never enough.

Cue the flashback.

Let’s hit a strip club!

Rosa and the only guy left in her posse drive off after another heist. Rosa, drunk with power/money/success, decides to rob a second bank for the day. Off the cuff. Alone. We’ll see how this works out, but I think we know.

Oh yeah you should definitely cut your hair into a bob.

Flash forward to The Modern Era when Piper tells Sophia and Anita DeMarco all about her furlough. Piper needs to shut her damn mouth. Sophia and DeMarco want to know is Piper is gonna get it on with Larry or what. Piper proceeds to go on a longwinded rant about how she’s going to spend this time with her grandmother asking her all the questions and having all the feelings and how this prison really does have a heart/soul/gooey center.

Maybe if we make Piper look super pretty and innocent looking in the foreground nobody will notice the middle age woman picking her nose in the background.

DeMarco: Bullshit! I applied twice! Once when my husband had open heart surgery and once for the birth of my first grandchild. They told me to go fuck myself. Never held the baby. And I love me some baby holding.

Sophia: I applied too. Nothing. My father had a lung transplant that didn’t take. We hadn’t spoken since I transitioned. He was a real hard ass. But in the end he started asking for me. He even used my real name: Sophia. People get soft, you know, when they’re dying. If I could have seen him, I don’t know, would have felt like closure. But we don’t a lot of that in this life, do we? Add it to my list of regrets. But grandmothers, they’re important too.

Get told.

And you can take that one to the fucking bank. So like I said. Piper needs to shut her damn mouth.

Over in the greenhouse Caputo takes out his rage on some unsuspecting plant life.

You want the truth?! You can’t handle the truth!

He doesn’t find anything because Red is 100% smarter than him. Maybe 200% smarter.

Did the wittle wittle pwant huwrt the big scawy man?

While all this is going on Officer Fischer and the other COs discuss how much they hate the shot quota and, oh yeah, also Fig. When Caputo walks in post-plantfest, the COs nudge Fischer to say something.

You can’t just arbitrarily give Greek yogurt to some people and regular yogurt to others. There has to be yogurt consistency in this place!

Now Fischer, she is just not built for confrontation. But she gives it a go! She’s a go giver. She tells Caputo they’re not treating the prisoners fairly and basically says they deserve to feel safe/respect/understood. Imagine that.

I want YOU to join the US Army

Fischer: You can’t just punish someone arbitrarily to make an example—

Caputo: You’re fired.

Turns out actually you can punish someone arbitrarily to make an example.

Womp Womp.

In the kitchen Mendoza teaches us our new favorite insult:

Mendoza: That girl is as useless as a dildo with balls.

But I thought they keep it in the harness!

Vee shows up and wants to know wtf is going on between Red and Mendoza. Mendoza doesn’t fuck around though.

You got a stain on my coat. My white coat.

Mendoza: Whatever you think you know, you don’t. I’m keeping my hands clean; my shit polished. I don’t have any connections with vendors or illegal swag coming through. I don’t trust any of you crazy bitches. You both fucking scorpions.

Over in the prison nondenominational chapel Fischer tries to process what the hell just happened. Mid-processing she notices Nicky on the floor smoking a cigarette.

Caught masturbating in church

Fischer tells Nicky she got fired, to which Nicky tells her it’s the best thing that ever happened to her! She recommends Fischer look into technical college or cosmetology school. She highly recommends learning to “wax armpits and vag lips.” I mean, that’s Nicky’s plan for when she gets out; the vag lips part anyways.

I think you could be very talented with some wax and a pair of vag lips.

Fischer: A while back, were you hitting on me?

Nicky: We don’t dream, we die. So… how’d I do?

Fischer: I thought about it.

Nicky: Seriously?

Fischer: Not in a thousand years. But thank you.

God why do they keep it so freaking cold in here?

Back at the chemo infusion center Rosa is leaving when she passes Beanie Baby and his mom crying. We’re all like shiiiiiiit because the only thing sadder than an old woman dying of cancer is a young kid dying of cancer.

Fucking Red Sox. Why can’t they just be good?

Rosa instantly blames herself for not doing the before and after kiss. She tells him that all the men in her life die.

You little ball sack.

Beanie Baby: I’m not a man in your life. I’m a little shit pot. You said so yourself.

Rosa: You’re too fucking young to die

Beanie Baby: So I’m not gonna die. I’m done with chemo, I’m in remission.

[tearful farewell waves of friendship]

Beanie Baby: Enjoy prison!

Rosa: Enjoy your life shit pot!

He liiiiiives

Am I crying tears of joy? I would be if someone could tell me how that kid did all that chemo without losing his hair.

Flashback to Rosa when she first enters prison. Turns out she did get busted doing that impromptu robbery.

We’re fucked.

Rosa professes her undying love for her former partner and all the men she loved before him. Just kidding she professes her undying love for money. Cold hard cash. The smell of money. The look of money. The rush of money. It’s all about the fucking bills.

For the record I did a little recon work for this recap and took some fresh bills out the ATM. They smelled mostly like paper with a hint of hand fungus.

I wonder where else I could rub some money…

Flashing forward in time (but not in space) we arrive at the dinner line. Taystee is pisssssed that Chapman is getting special treatment. See! I told you to shut your damn mouth!

You are literally the worst

Nicky: Everyone hates your fucking guts.

Piper: Yeah. What else is new?

So Piper stands up and gives a passionate speech about how she’s aware that white privilege has afforded her luxuries in prison and in life, but that she loves her grandmother and she wants to be with her whiles she’s dying.

We do not have to settle for yoplait when FAGE is available!

So Suzanne throws food at her head.

Is that poop in your hair or is just nobody happy to see you?

And no, it doesn’t devolve into an adorable chaotic food fight a la tween girls summer camp.

Later, in the kitchen, Red and Mendoza finally let us in on what they’ve been sneaking about all episode. And about why Caputo didn’t find anything in the greenhouse. Mendoza hid it for Red in the freezer.

I did you this favor and now you have to come out to karaoke night like you always promise!

Back in Healy’s office, or as I like to call it, the Department of the Legally Boring, Piper tries to give back her furlough. As though furlough is some sort of currency that will be given to someone else, if not her.  Healy goes on a long rant about how he’s a paper pusher and sometimes he can give some papers an extra push.

This is going to be just like this documentary about psychotherapy that I saw entitled “Analyze This”

As a side note: I’m pretty sure furloughs are decided by judges, not wardens, but no one asked me.

And then Healy does some medium-decent counseling and tells Chapman that girls will talk but Chapman should ignore her because she’s being given a chance to say goodbye and that’s a big fucking deal. Most people don’t get that. Actually (this is me, not Healy) most people who aren’t incarcerated don’t even get that.

Oh wait, you do have mafia connections, right? Because that’s actually necessary for the furlough to go through.

Back at the family greenhouse Caputo feels awfully sheepish. He brought brand new plants and everything. The Golden Girls stare him the fuck down. You don’t fuck with the Golden Girls’ plants.

The little ones name is hughy. Be nice to him.

Over in their cozy little bunk for two, Chapman asks Red how she would spend a day of furlough. Red says she’s go to her market and make sure everything is in tip top shape in her absence. Maybe tit-punch a mafia wife. The usual stuff.

See Piper the key is to air out the pits at least once per day.

Red suddenly has the great idea that Piper could check out the shop for her! Apparently people come for miles and miles to eat her delicious baked goods and stand outside smelling the piroshki and shouldn’t Piper should get her ass over there and smell it for herself? Piper should say, “Of course I will definitely check out your shop,” but instead she gives some BS wishy washy Piper answer. Ugh. C’mon Pipes, stop being the worst ever.

Meanwhile we finally circle back to that thing where Soso was smelly. Did you know that not bathing has actually been used as a form of prisoner protest? Specifically used by imprisoned members of the Irish Republican Army to protest the British treating them as criminal prisoners rather than political prisoners. Speaking of protest…

It is my constitutional right to smell!

Soso: I am demonstrating passive resistance.

Bell: We are demonstrating aggressive aggression.

Bell drags Soso to the bathrooms and forces her to shower while she cries. It’s actually really sad. She doesn’t even put on shower shoes beforehand.

I am going to get the worst foot fungus.

Rosa comes home and is greeted by DeMarco. I feel like there’s a lot of unexplored friendship between DeMarco and Rosa. Rosa tells DeMarco that Beanie Baby is in remission and that she’s going to die soon.

I’m just sad that I’m going to go before Lindsay Lohan finally has her big comeback.

Rosa: I always pictured myself going out in a blaze of glory. Hail, gunfire, screeching tires. But this kind of death? This slow, invisible, disappearing into nothing. It’s terrifying. I want to go back to sleep now. My chemo wipes me out.

And while we ponder how on earth Rosa is going through chemo in prison and not vomiting her brains out, Rosa pulls out the stack of money from earlier and gives it a nice deep sniff.

Smell like teen spirit. And teen pits.

Is it just me or does it seem like this episode has a lot of people smelling other things. Why is everyone smelling everything?

Back on the ranch aka Pipers self-involved journey of selfness, our lovely protagonist calls her mom. “Mom!” She says, “I got furlough! I’m gonna be freeeeee! Freee I tell you!” But Piper’s mom is like, “Slow your roll. You grandmother already died.”

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to do some cleaning in my creepy, empty all white kitchen.

This is actually wicked sad because the real Piper aka Piper Kerman actually lost her grandmother while she was in prison. Kerman talks brilliantly in her book about what that loss was like and how prison takes from you those life moments. Piper Chapman sobs on the phone which I think conveys approximately the same thing.

It’s just like… so hard with the patriarchy, you know?

Caputo goes into Fig’s office and tells her that he fired Fischer. Fig is like “Long hair don’t care” both because she has long hair and also doesn’t care. I just wanted to explain that for you guys.

Oh by the way when I woke up this morning I decided to be completely useless t my job. I hope that’s cool with you.

Fig is like “NBD I’ve got the best idea for replacing one of the only women staffers in this women’s prison.” Is her idea the best idea ever? What do you think?

The worst.

Nah. It’s Pornstache.

Fucking Pornstache.

Pornstache.

This guy.

Seriously the fucking worst

So wait. Let’s replace a really nice woman staffer with the grossest most vile man who was not only repeatedly involved in shady business, he also had sex with an inmate. Which the admins know.

Ew Fig. Ew.

Cut to the credits to the tune of “Bitchin’ Camaro.”

So that wraps things up for this week! Tune in next week when we’ll discover just exactly what Piper does with her furlough. What do we think? Something unusual and crazy and f—wait. I don’t need to tell you guys. You probably already watched the whole season.

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