Q:
Hi, I’m coming to you live with what I naively thought was surely only a problem for heterosexuals previously: My mother-in-law-to-be is making me miserable in the leadup to my wedding. I got engaged to my beautiful girlfriend a year ago and we’ve been planning a medium-sized wedding. At almost every step along the way, her mom has inserted herself and had SOMETHING to say about how we’re doing things and trying to change it to suit her own preferences. Even when it comes to my literal outfit. I wanted to wear an emerald green suit for our wedding because it’s my favorite color and her mom was like IT’LL LOOK TACKY YOU HAVE TO WEAR BLACK OR BLUE. She then said she would buy the suit, which yes I’m appreciative of but it felt like she was using finances to get her way. This would all be somewhat manageable if it weren’t for my fiancee constantly siding with her. They’re really close, and that used to be something I liked because I don’t have a relationship at all with my own mother, so there was something lovely and healing about seeing how it’s possible for a lesbian daughter to be best friends with her mom. But something about planning this wedding has broken me. I don’t feel like it’s my wedding at all. I do want a relationship with my mother in law, but I just want there to be more boundaries in place. But how can I possibly talk to my fiancee about this when she is always calling her mom her literal BEST FRIEND? And if planning the wedding is this crazy, what will our MARRIAGE be like if I’m constantly being bullied by her mom?!
A:
So this probably isn’t totally fair of me, but I consider it a major red flag when someone says their mom is their best friend. That’s not your bestie, that’s your MOM. While my own biases are probably harsh and judgmental, I do find that in most cases when someone claims their mom as their bff, the relationship is actually quite toxic. And if your fianceé isn’t able to set boundaries with her mom about y’all’s literal wedding, yeah, that’s pretty bad! This will likely continue to happen in your marriage, so it’s best to address it ASAP.
People do kind of tend to lose their minds around wedding stuff. But at the end of the day, your wedding should feel like yours. If too much input from your future mother-in-law has you anxious, then you need to have a conversation with your fianceé about how this is impacting you. It’s possible your fianceé really DOES feel similarly to you but doesn’t feel like she’s allowed to push back on her mother if they’re close. Initiating this conversation could possibly allow you to both find some common ground in setting more boundaries with her mom.
But it’s also possible this could turn into an argument. People can be sensitive about criticism toward their family members. Approach the conversation the would with any delicate subject. Having specific asks and ideal outcomes would be good. You can say that while you’re appreciative of her mother’s offer to buy your suit, you really want to be the one to choose the color. It’s YOUR wedding suit! You should absolutely be the one to choose the color! You and your partner should be making these choices together. It is not unreasonable to say that you only want input from you mother-in-law in instances where you’re specifically asking for it.
Now, I generally don’t believe in catering to people who are unreasonable in these ways, but I do know that sometimes with these kinds of self-centered intense people, it can be genuinely hard to change their behaviors. So as a contingency plan, maybe think of something that you actually don’t really care about all that much when it comes to the wedding and task her with it. Don’t really care about the florals? Great, put mother-in-law in charge. But of course, this won’t address the underlying issue which seems to be that your fianceé’s relationship with her mother and lack of boundaries there is impacting your own relationship. The wedding might be heightening all that, but it’ll continue to be an issue if it isn’t addressed.
When I was planning my wedding, I did constant checkins with myself to make sure I was still having fun. It should be fun! It should be exciting! There will be some stress, but if the stress outweighs the fun parts, then what’s the point? Check in with yourself but also with your fianceé. Outline the ways her mother has contributed to your anxiety and ask for what you need. Otherwise, you’re going to just keep having the same fights and anxieties in your marriage.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
Bro what will your MARRIAGE be like if you cannot talk to or resolve conflict with your literal FIANCEE
Did you know that lots of people do pre-marital counseling? This would be an *excellent* time for the two of you to get that going. From this letter it’s evident that you could use some support with drawing boundaries and expressing yourself honestly, and counseling is a good place for that. And frankly if your fiancee is only able to hear ‘I’m not feeling like a part of our wedding’ as a criticism of her mom, you want to know and start to work on that now. As The Straights say, in these dynamics one does not have a MIL problem, one has a Spouse problem. It’s not clear how much of this is her not being receptive to your concerns or actively dismissing them and how much is you not speaking up or giving in as soon as you get ‘overruled’ by their agreement on something- if the latter, some of that is on you and that’s good to recognize! Couples and/or individual counseling can help if you have access to it. Good luck.
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Hm this isn’t at all the same but it might possibly be transferable? My partner was raised catholic, and celebrates Christmas and when we were putting up our first Christmas tree together I kept wanting to change things about the tree to make it feel less Christmas-y and eventually she was like ‘of course it’s going to be Christmas-y! It’s a Christmas tree! And it’s for me, not for you!” And I do think that a similar thing could apply here- à la ‘this is our wedding not your mother’s wedding, and although I really appreciate all the love and care she’s poured into this I’m starting to feel like my own feelings aren’t being taken into account’