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Welcome to the 54th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month, like this one, is themed! Next month’s theme is IMPOSTER SYNDROME, SELF-DOUBT AND SELF-SABOTAGE (Yes, all 3), in honor of Autostraddle’s 13th birthday month! What do you need help with when it comes to not holding yourself back? Do you need validation about a specific situation where you suspect you may be dealing with some imposter syndrome? Where are you your own worst enemy, and how can we help? Get your questions in by Monday March 7th! Answers will publish on March 18th! The general Into the A+ Advice Box, where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.

So, now that you know to send us your questions on all things your IMPOSTER SYNDROME, SELF-DOUBT AND SELF-SABOTAGE, let’s dig into your FRIENDSHIP DRAMA!

Q1:

I sometimes find myself resentful towards a group of old acquaintances, because at the time I thought we were closer well I thought we were closer. I thought I was becoming friends with this group. But then it became clear they only cared about themselves and didn’t share any friendship effort. So I loved myself and stopped engaging. But we are still internet friends (some) and casual nice on occasion. Mostly over it, but when I think back to the time with them I feel upset that I thought they cared more about me? I had some good memories with them too. I’m not sure how to shake the resentment and just remember the brief fun times and let go

A:

Yash: This is such a familiar and frustrating situation, and I’m sorry it’s happening for you! The last time I was in a similar situation, my therapist said something that really helped about there being different kinds of friendship — she broke it down as “friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for life”. No one kind is inherently better than the other, but whether you’re friends because of shared circumstances, or because of a temporary overlap that then is outgrown, etc, each different kind of friendship comes with different needs, different kinds of intimacy and communication, etc. And maybe these people were just friends for a season that’s now passed. It’s not your fault, and maybe not anyone’s, that that time’s now passed, but it might help you to shake the resentment if you also free yourself of the expectation that that season with these people should still be ongoing. Giving yourself permission to call it a day might help alleviate that resentment, and to take some of the season-sustaining pressure it sounds like there is on your current casual online interactions. The world is full of people who are gonna love you who haven’t even gotten to meet you yet, and I am sending you lots of love as you find and befriend new amazing people to fill your life!

Nicole: I agree! This is something that’s always hard, but it has helped me in the past to just really empathize and remember that everyone also has their own relationship to friendship and the friends who come in and out of their lives. Sometimes people come into your life for a reason, and sometimes only for a short time, but just because a friendship’s run its course, doesn’t make it any less meaningful. I also feel like I’m being a little much when I say this, but you mention that you were focusing on loving yourself, and sometimes, what it means to love yourself just isn’t in line with maintaining certain relationships beyond friendly niceties and that’s okay! And also! This is hard! So, you know, don’t beat yourself up for feeling resentful or for needing time to heal. It sounds like it wasn’t entirely your choice to no longer be in this friend group, and like you thought things were going to turn out differently, and it’s completely 100% valid to feel hurt about that. I hope that you’ll engage in whatever activities you find soothing when your heart is hurting and give yourself all the time you need to get over this. Finally, if seeing them online hurts too much for now, you can also try disengaging from their online presence for a few days or even weeks to give yourself and your brain a bit of a reset while you heal.

Valerie Anne: What Yash and Nicole said is very true, but also one way to let go of the resentment is to maybe consider that it wasn’t that they didn’t not care about you, maybe it was that you were expecting more from the friendship than they were aware of. One thing I’ve learned in a lot of friendships over the years is that things don’t look the same from both sides; to them, maybe they think of you as someone who used to be around a lot and now is around less. Maybe they didn’t realize you took a step back because you weren’t getting what you needed from the friendships, maybe they thought it was just something that happened over time, as it so often is. So while obviously it’s valid to feel hurt the friendships didn’t work out the way you had hoped, because impact is an important factor in all actions, maybe it will help let go of some of the resentment if you consider their intention. It’s hard with established groups of friends because by nature they’re going to be prioritizing each other over any new member, and it’s hard to find one you click with and can get absorbed into. But like Yash said, there will be people and groups that are a better fit for you and that’s going to end up being a much better use of your energy than resenting the groups you didn’t mesh with.

Q2:

I (they/she) miss my friend (they/them). We’ve been close for about 20 years. They lived with me when their abusive mum got too much, til my abusive sister kicked them out. I always felt like they were my little sibling – wanted to protect them and fight the world for them. When they did something inconsiderate, I ignored it because I knew that the world was hard enough and that they were going through a lot of shit mentally speaking. They’ve been one of the most important people in my life for many years, but we don’t see each other a lot. They smoke a lot of weed and won’t go to places where they can’t easily get it, they cancel plans fairly regularly or turn up late, and they run on a semi-nocturnal schedule. I stopped smoking because it made me anxious, moved away from their city, don’t like staying up too late. Despite different lives, deep love was consistently there. We had the best conversations, intimate and heartfelt, sparking ideas and art.

I don’t know what changed – other than a general loss of patience common to the pandemic – but a couple of years ago all the things that I ignored before – angry outbursts, snarky comments, flaking on plans, not responding to messages – began to bother me. I realised I should have brought these things up and not always tried to let them have their own way about everything to avoid conflict. Then we disagreed over something irrelevant and I just stopped texting back. That was about a year ago. I think about them often, I love them and miss them, but the idea of trying to sit down and fix this long-broken dynamic feels too exhausting to handle. What should I do?

A:

Nicole: I’m sorry that sounds like a really difficult situation and I feel for you. I can’t tell you what you *should* do because there’s no right answer, only possible choices. Your options as I see them are:
a) You can continue to no longer be in communication with them and do some other things, instead, to work on your hurt about that (talk to a therapist, other friends, journal, meditate)
b) You can reach out to them, tell them you’ve been thinking about them, and ask them if they want to talk about what happened.

I think that if you were the one who stopped texting back, then they probably won’t be the one to reach back out, if that makes sense, because they probably took the hint. Before you reach out, if that’s something you decide to do, I encourage you to think about what you actually want from the situation. Do you want to a) do the work of re-cultivating your friendship and healing the hurt between you two, as much as that’s possible or b) do you want to just process with them, apologize and then only have limited or even no communication after that? You mention that doing all of the work that would go into repairing the relationship sounds exhausting, and I think that it would be good to think long and hard about what you said there before you reach out — because if the answer is that you’re pretty limited in terms of what you can give, then I also think it’s good to consider what you’re asking of the other person were you to reach out, and if these two things are equitable, and if it’s fair to engage someone else in processing when you might not have the energy to give them and the work the attention they deserve.

I know that is kind of a winding, twisting answer, but I do think it comes down to respecting that the other person here deserves to get back what they put in. You can also reach out and be completely honest about your concerns and see what they say. All things considered, they might very well be exhausted, too. This is so tough! I’m sending you love no matter what you choose!

Q3:

What do you say to a friend who has been going through a hard time, for like years?

My friend has been stuck in a job that isn’t good for them, without a good way out despite significant effort to find something worth leaving for. I know that they have had a very difficult last three years. We’re not super close, so I only talk to them about once every three months or so. How do I low key reach out? It feels like if I text them like “hey how’s it going, how have your last three months been?” They will be like ” terrible, thanks for reminding me.” but say it nicely. I want to reach out, but I don’t want to be like “hey this is how I’ve been doing and it’s been great! Wow your life sucks doesn’t it”. And I know that saying something like “is everything still bad?” or “any changes?” would be depressing more than anything else because I know I would feel like “Yes! Everything still sucks! Did you have to remind me?” or “No! And not for a lack of effort! I don’t need reminders that I’m not making progress!”.

So, any advice would be appreciated

A:

Ro: You’re being super thoughtful about how to approach this person, and I think your instincts are pointing you in the right direction. You’re right — sometimes people who are going through a prolonged period of hardship don’t like talking about it. It’s exhausting, and it’s even more exhausting when you’re feeling pressure from other people who care about you to say, “Actually, I’ve finally turned a corner and things are looking up!” For me, at least, I often feel like I’m disappointing my friends when I’m not able to deliver good news about a long-term struggle.

Fortunately, there are plenty of other ways you can reach out, and you don’t need to ask this person about their current circumstances to show that you care. A simple “thinking of you!” or “I saw this movie that I think you’ll like” or “omg please watch this video of a dog wearing a cowboy costume” can go a long way, and it can open the door to further conversation if that’s what your friend wants. I’m not sure if this is a local friend or a long-distance friend, but if they’re local, you can also initiate an in-person hang. Invite them to go for a walk or make crafts together. If you have a specific activity planned, you and your friend can talk about what you’re doing and take the focus of the conversation off of your friend’s circumstances (if that’s what they want, and if not, you’ll be there to listen).

Q4:

This is such a broad question, but how do I get better at keeping up with my friends?? I feel like I used to be ~really~ good at maintaining friendships across distance, and then the pandemic hit, and suddenly every one of my friendships were basically long-distance and it became super overwhelming. I know many people, myself included, feel like it takes a ton of energy to reply to a vague “how are you?” text, so I try to limit those and send memes/tiktoks/things I know my friends will like when I remember to do that. But even so, I feel like so many friendships have just been adrift for a while and I miss people. Any tips for reconnecting and then staying connected with a network of people who don’t live near me?

A:

Ro: Vague “how are you” texts can definitely feel weird, and unless you have very honest and verbose friends, those kinds of texts don’t typically open the door to real conversation. I have a few long-distance friends, and some of my local friendships have been feeling more like long-distance friendships over the past two years of the pandemic.

Scheduling regular check-ins with specific friends has helped me maintain those connections. Try scheduling a monthly or weekly FaceTime chat or phone call with each friend. If that doesn’t work on their end, set reminders for yourself to reach out on a regular basis. It can be hard to remember to check in with a certain pals who you’re not regularly seeing in person, but if it’s in your calendar, you’ll remember to give them a call or send them a text. And remember that keeping in touch is a two-way street! If you find that you’re the only one reaching out, let your friends know that you’d like to hear from them more often.

Valerie Anne: One of my go-to moves is similar to your meme/tiktok move: picking a piece of media — tv show, movie, book, even just random pop culture news or an Autostraddle quiz — that I think a friend I haven’t talked to in a while would like, then send it like “have you seen this” or “saw this, thought of you” etc. That often opens up a conversation about that thing, which can then either easily transition into “how’ve you been” etc, or can just rekindle regular conversations about nothing. Sometimes if I know from social media someone has been going through it and I haven’t talked to them in a while, I send them a text that’s like “This is for you” then a purple heart emoji. “That is all.” I also think that everything is so weird and bad right now that it’s very reasonable to just be honest, “hey we haven’t chatted in a while and I wanted to check in, how’s work/school/x family member/parter, etc” which is a little less loaded than a straight “how are you.”

Q5:

hi all, I know usually when a friend’s romantic relationship is troubling but not abusive, the best thing to do is just wait it out and hope for the best. What if future children are in the picture?

I have a close friend who decided years ago that partner or no, she was going to start IVF by (current age). She started dating her first-ever romantic partner a bit under a year ago. It’s been a classic uhaul, and they moved in together 6 months in.

She was upfront about her kid plans when they started dating, and her bf is now factoring into them (adoption, marriage, etc). But it doesn’t seem like a very healthy relationship. Their insecurities and ways of handling conflict clash *badly*, and both of them are having major life changes (good & bad) that intensify everything (medical transition, health problems, addressing parent issues, etc). She still says often that they’re in it for the longhaul.

If kids weren’t a factor I’d be ok to let her vent, gently offer light-touch feedback when she’s open to it, and wait for things to either get better or end. I know as an outsider to the relationship I only get a bit of the whole picture, and that the good parts don’t come up in vent sessions. But if they’re still together when a kid is born, it changes the equation. I know IVF can take awhile, but it still starts a time clock from “if they break up they can disentangle (logistically anyway)” to “they’ll always be at least somewhat tied up with each other.”

Is there anything I can say, even as a one-time “here’s my view, use it as you see fit” and then never again? Should I stick to what I’ve been doing? Is there a 3rd option?

A:

Ro: First, I want to affirm this: “I know as an outsider to the relationship I only get a bit of the whole picture, and that the good parts don’t come up in vent sessions.” This is absolutely a thing that happens in friendships, and there’s a chance that your friend’s partner offers her more care and support than you realize.

But also, maybe they don’t. And maybe your friend will have a kid and her boyfriend will legally adopt the kid and they’ll be somewhat bound together for good whether they stay in their relationship or not. That sucks. I know you don’t want your friend to be in that situation, but you can’t predict her future. And it also sounds like she made a clear and calculated choice about when she was going to have kids, and she’s going to move forward with that no matter what.

This might be a helpful reminder: while some people have to go through a long, expensive, highly thought-out process like IVF to make a pregnancy happen, others accidentally get pregnant and have kids ALL THE TIME! And sometimes they accidentally have kids with shitty partners or with a stranger they met at a bar. In some ways, your friend is in a really good position — she’s able to decide exactly when she wants to bring a kid into her life, and I don’t think it’s your place to judge her timeline.

I think you’re already doing what you can to be a supportive friend. You’re letting her vent and offering feedback when she’s open to it. It might also be a good idea to start asking questions about what she wants and expects out of a partner and co-parent. Since this is your friend’s first relationship, there’s a chance that she doesn’t know what her expectations should be, and some conversation could guide her to a heightened awareness of what she needs and deserves.

Q6:

I’m friends with a couple (let’s call them Bo and Lauren), and I think they’re going through some relationship problems. Which is fine, they’re adults, it’s not my place to get involved. The issue is I’m friends with both of them, and lately when I hang out with Bo, she’ll make disparaging remarks about Lauren. Things like “Oh, I’m finally free from Lauren for the next three days! Thank god!”, or relating an anecdote of something Lauren did and then scoffing and rolling her eyes, or just calling her annoying and needy.

It seems really mean, and it makes me uncomfortable because I’m friends with both of them. I like Lauren, and I like Bo, but I don’t like when Bo makes cruel comments about her girlfriend. Do y’all have a script for a way to politely ask Bo to knock it off when we hang out?

A:

Ro: This sounds like a really uncomfortable situation! And I think you should absolutely say something! It doesn’t have to be a big conversation. The next time Bo says something disparaging about her partner, try saying something like, “Since I’m friends with you and Lauren, I don’t feel comfortable hearing these kinds of things about her. I want to maintain friendships with both of you. Please don’t share this stuff with me.” It’s normal for friends to vent to each other about their relationship struggles, but Bo can (and should) seek support from someone who isn’t friends with the person Bo is talking about.

Valerie Anne: First of all, I love the Lost Girl themed name choices. A+ work. I agree with Ro, I don’t think it’s out of line to say, “Hey that’s my friend you’re complaining about.” Don’t let them make you the Kenzie in the middle!

Q7:

How to cool down a new friendship back into an acquaintanceship without ghosting/being an avoidant jerk?

Hi! I just bought a house a few months ago, yay, and I met this neighbor around my age who is nice enough, so we started going on walks now and then, a few times a month. I can tell she’s into me friendship-wise, but I just don’t think I’m clicking with her anymore. She’s said some things that are kind of red flags/show ignorance about racism and politics, to me — nothing seriously awful, but it just showed that she thinks about life and people VERY differently than me, in ways that annoy me, and I just don’t see us as a good friendship fit. She’s lately been talking about having a birthday dinner party, doing yoga together, hanging out and coworking, all of which I was initially excited about when I first met her, saying “yes of course let’s do it!” and wanting to get to know people in the neighborhood, but now I do not want to pursue these things. We still do the walks, less frequently, and I’ve just vaguely said, “oh yeah good idea…” without nailing down plans when she mentions other activities, then telling her I’m busy when she follows up. I shouldn’t keep lying & saying “some other time” when I don’t mean it. Should I be totally honest and just say I’m not feeling this friendship? How do I say it kindly? I would like to keep things friendLY and neighborly, and am happy to talk to her about neighborhood stuff and do a walk/lunch maybe once a month. It seems very rude to bluntly say “sorry I don’t like you bye,” (acceptable in a romantic situation, but not here, right?) I don’t want to hurt her feelings.

A:

Ro: Ending a new friendship or shifting the expectations for a new friendship can be extremely awkward! You have a couple of options.

1. You can just be honest — you’re recognizing that you’re actually pretty different people, and while you enjoy your time with her, you don’t want to pursue a super committed friendship. This conversation might hurt her feelings and it will likely be awkward in the moment, but being honest will prevent you from encountering future awkward situations.

2. You can tell a white lie — you’re recognizing that you’re not in a place where you can add more committed friendships to your life right now, but you’d love to keep up your occasional walks. This is the friendship version of “it’s not you, it’s me.” It will probably be less awkward in the moment than the option above, BUT it could result in your friend continually trying to take your friendship to a deeper level and/or waiting around for your situation to change.

Ultimately, I think it’s important to remember that hurting someone’s feelings doesn’t mean you’re a bad person — sometimes that happens when two people want different things and are honest about their needs. It sounds like you’re being thoughtful about this, so no matter how you approach this conversation, I think you’ll do it in the best possible way.

Q8:

My girlfriend of 4.5 years and I decided to split after a pandemic-long 2 years of miscommunication. We loved each other, but knew we probably wanted different things in the long run. A few weeks before I was able to move out, I found out she had been having an emotional affair with our closest friend. She lied multiple times about it when I had asked flat out. My “friend” had been offering moral and physical support for my move out, little did I know she was counting down the days I would be out for good and she could swoop in. How do I not look back on the entirety of my friendship and relationship with distrust and anger? It feels like I’ve lost any of the good parts from either relationship, and that makes my grief so much more profound. Is there a way to move on from this?

A:

Valerie Anne: I can’t speak much on the relationship front, but I think maybe what I will say on the friendship front could apply: I think there’s a possibility that your friend did genuinely and truly want to emotionally and physically support you during your move out because she cares about you deeply. I think her wanting to be there for you and then also wanting to date your ex-girlfriend could both be true. Does this make her a good friend? Arguably, no. But I think those feelings don’t have to be mutually exclusive; I think there’s room in people’s hearts for many complex emotions, and I think it’s possible that your girlfriend loved you very much, until she loved someone else. I think it’s possible that when she told you she wasn’t having an emotional affair, she was trying to convince herself as much as she was trying to convince you. I think it’s possible that the good times were still real and true and good even if there were eventually bad times. I know it’s hard but I think you have to think of them as separate events to not be consumed by it. The bad they’ve done can’t fully undo the good there was. But spending too much time in the past, good or bad isn’t going to help you move forward. As a great philosopher once said, “There’ll be happiness after you, but there was happiness because of you too. Both of these things can be true….Leave it all behind and there is happiness.”

Ro: I’m so sorry that this happened to you. Grieving two close relationships at once sounds really tough, and it makes sense that you’re feeling hurt and angry. You can absolutely move on from this, but it will probably take some time. Here are few things you can do to make this experience a little easier:

1. If you haven’t already, cut off contact with your ex and your friend for a while. This isn’t something that has to be permanent unless you think that’s best for you — it’s just a way to take some space to grieve, work through your feelings and clarify your boundaries before you try to reestablish any semblance of friendship with either of them.

2. Build new connections. You’ve just lost trust in the two people who were closest to you, so it’s time to deepen your other preexisting friendships or welcome some new friends into your life.

3. Focus on yourself. Breakups suck, but they also offer an exciting opportunity to get to know yourself outside of your relationship. Find a new hobby. Do something that’s outside of your comfort zone. Cut your hair. Do whatever helps you connect to yourself.

4. I don’t know all of the details surrounding your breakup and its aftermath, so take this with a grain of salt: remember that your ex and your friend might not be horrible monster people who hate you. I’m not saying that you have to forgive them in order to heal, but having some understanding of why they made the choices they made might help you find some peace. Like Valerie Anne said, “…there’s room in people’s hearts for many complex emotions.” It sounds like both your friend and your ex have been in your life for a long time, so presumably, they care about you. They also can’t control how they feel. Of course they should have come to you as soon as they recognized they had romantic feelings for each other. They didn’t do that, and that sucks. But it’s possible that they hid this from you because they didn’t want you to get hurt. Of course, you were hurt anyway. People make shitty, irresponsible choices when they’re scared, but it doesn’t mean they don’t love you.

Q9:

Maybe 2-3 years ago now I did The Bad Thing and ghosted a friend of more than a decade. She’d moved to a different country years before and we spoke every few months/a few times a year, and basically I just noticed that I was coming away from those conversations feeling vaguely not great, like what I had to say didn’t register as important, maybe? We didn’t have any conflict and she didn’t do anything wrong, really. I was at a point in my life where I was wanting to focus on friendships where I felt more attunement and satisfaction but instead of communicating with her directly to try to improve it or let her know where I was I just dropped off the face of the earth forever. (Extra Bad Thing Points: she had recently gotten pregnant, something she’d wanted for a long time. Eesh.) I have had my heart absolutely shattered in the past by a close(r) friend doing something similar to me, and to this day one of the things that hurts most is not knowing why or what happened. I feel bad knowing that I probably left my friend with similar questions. My question is: I’m periodically tempted to reach out and apologize for just disappearing, but I don’t know a) if I actually should or b) what I would/should even say. I want to take responsibility for ghosting and any pain that caused, but in this case I don’t imagine that the actual explanation of why I wanted to distance myself would help. Help?

A:

Ro: Choosing to put more time and energy into your more fulfilling friendships is a good thing, and keeping in touch with a long-distance friend requires effort from both parties. It sounds like you’re feeling a lot of guilt about not reaching out, but your friend hasn’t been reaching out either. I don’t know exactly what you mean by “I just dropped off the face of the earth forever,” but I’m assuming that your friend would have been able to contact you somehow if she wanted to.

Sometimes apologies are more for the person doing the apologizing and less for the person on the receiving end, and this could be one of those situations. Your friend might not need or want an apology, and bringing up the end of your friendship could potentially cause her more pain. But she might also be left with a lot of questions and would find some comfort in getting answers. If you decide to apologize, I think your best first step would be to ask your friend if she’s even open to hearing from you (something like, “I know you haven’t heard from me for a long time, and if you’re wanting an explanation, I’d love to share that with you”). I think this is better than dumping an apology on someone because you’re giving her the opportunity to say, “No thanks — I don’t want that” or “Wow, yes, please! I would love to understand what happened” or “I actually have a lot I’d like to say to you first” or something else.

Nicole: I’m struggling with this so much because on the one hand, it sounds like it might be helpful were someone to reach out to see if the person mentioned wants an apology (following Ro’s advice to ask and see if they even want that before you just go ahead and apologize), and also on the other hand, if the apology might be hurtful in and of itself, then maybe it’s better to just leave things unsaid. I think it might be helpful to imagine what you would say, were you to apologize, and then think about how it would feel to hear whatever you’re thinking of saying, but directed at yourself — if that makes sense! It might help you to figure out which side of the line this falls on, if this is something that may offer closure for the both of you, or if it’s really more of an apology that’s for the apologizing party which may only deepen the wound for the person hearing it. These are important things to consider and I’m wishing you luck!

Valerie Anne: I think something to consider is whether or not you want to re-establish a friendship with this person. If someone I was close to ghosted me, then reappeared just to apologize and wanted to ghost again, it wouldn’t be worth it to me. I’d rather them stay ghosted (assuming we’re not running in the same friend circles either IRL or online) because I can take a hint. Which it sounds like your friend can too since she hasn’t reached out to ask where you disappeared to. But if you’d be open to rekindling a friendship, even if it was on a different level than your previous relationship, I think it would be worth reaching out; knowing, of course, that she might not want to. I know sometimes it’s hard to feel like you have unfinished business with someone, but if you feel strongly that it was the right decision to end this friendship, I think you can consider the chapter closed and move on. I know it can feel like it’s unfinished business, but it sounds like it’s not. To use a metaphor: maybe you walked away with the phone still on and the line still open, but by now either she’s hung up or the line got disconnected, so either way, the call is over.

Q10:

Hello! I’m here with a friendship question!

I’m looking for advice on whether or not to talk to one of my best friends about how I’m worried she’s moving too fast in her current relationship. She’s been with this guy for about 9 months and they’ve been talking about getting married for a while, and last week she told me he’s picked out a ring. Her boyfriend is devoutly Christian (she is much more casually religious) and they have decided not to have sex or live together until they’re married, which are preferences she did not have before she met him. They also have an age gap (she is 27 and he is 20) and he’s still in college.

She seems really happy, and I don’t want to cross any lines into something that’s not my business, but these things seem like signs of rushing to me. But I’m also a lesbian who has had bad experiences with religion and has no personal desire to get married, so I’m probably biased.

Do you think there’s a good way to tell her I’m worried she’s rushing into getting married, or am I being paranoid and I should just let it be?</strong<

A:

Nicole: I’m a little worried for your friend, to be honest! It sounds like she and this partner may be kind of mis-matched in terms of the role religion plays in their lives, and I will be frank and say I am also a person who is wary of Christians who are into purity culture, and especially ones who are cis men! So, I just wanted to validate you in terms of what you might be feeling. If this were my friend, I would ask her to spend some time with me somewhere that she feels safe, not with her boyfriend, and when it was a good time (you’ve sat down with your coffees and you know how each others’ dogs are doing now, small talk over, you get it), I’d ask if I can express a concern and ask her how she feels about it. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking someone “are you sure you’re not rushing into this?” if they’re your friend and you think they’re rushing into something! I do recommend doing it over video chat, phone or in-person, though, if you can, not text or email, that way you can be sure that there aren’t any tonal misinterpretations. And, of course, at the end of the day, she’s perfectly within her rights to make her own choices, which it seems like you’re well aware of because you don’t know whether you should get into this at all! Lastly, the most important thing, if you think a friend may be in over their head in a relationship, is just to continue to be there for them when they might need you.

Ro: I love Nicole’s advice, and I also want to add that I don’t think your judgment is clouded by bias — anytime someone quickly changes their values and desires and future plans for a new-ish partner, that is a big red flag (whether those changes are rooted in religion or not). Also, making plans to marry someone you’ve known for less than a year is another big red flag. Marriage is a huge commitment — your friend would be entering into a presumably long-term financial contract with a twenty-year-old who doesn’t have the lived experience of a post-college, working adult — there’s definitely cause for concern there.

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