Glee Episode 505 Recap: The End of Twerk Should Really Be The End Of Will Schuster’s Career

Welcome to the fifth episode of the fifth season of Glee, a dramatic television show about fourteen girls competing viscously and erotically for the title of America’s Next Top Model while stealing granola bars, lighting their heads on fire and looking at their assholes in the mirror. This week, everybody sang songs about darkness and put their butts in each other’s faces.

and you're gonna hear me meow

and you’re gonna hear me meow

“The End of Twerk,” like so many Glee episodes, was tonally uneven, emotionally off-kilter and pushed all the wrong envelopes. Also, William Schuster deserves to spend the rest of his life in the rubber room. I’d like to quote Autostraddle Contributing Editor Mey who pointed out on her tumblr, “Tonight’s Glee was so patently offensive I could barely believe it.” Yup.


We open in Lima, Ohio, at McKinley High School, an institution for children suffering emotional trauma after riding The Beast at King’s Island. Blaine Warbler’s alone in an empty classroom, hopping about like a sugar-high toddler doing lunges with a ferret in his pants.

whatever i don't need kurt, i can just autostraddle this chair

whatever i don’t need kurt, i can just autostraddle and engage in frottage with this chair all the live-long day

Tina, Blaine’s #1 Space Invader, is filming her gay with a mobile device, and thus we zoom in to said mobile device and then zoom out to see all of the Glee Club watching Blaine’s bootyliciousness and having a laugh.

aw, kittens playing in the snow!

aw, kittens playing in the snow!

Sir William, Worst Teacher In The Entire World, feels inspired by Blaine’s melodious keister and launches into an irrational monologue about how the Glee Clubs’ collective reaction to Blaine’s Booty Ball is evidence that Blaine’s Booty Ball is onto something, and he’s not talking about Kurt’s you-know-what.

Sir William: “That’s the kind of reaction we need from the judges if we’re gonna one-up Throat Explosion at Nationals. We need to edge up our “America’s sweetheart” image a bit. Show the judges that we’re not afraid to rebel.”

Ah yes, and what better way to “rebel” than to follow in the problematic footsteps of Miley Cyrus! Marley-Kate says she’s not confident she can twerk, but Sir William promises, “have no fear, your twerk-torial is here.” At which point I’m absolutely petrified, as well as confident that this twerktorial will never be as good as Kaylah’s Twerkshop (CONFIRMED: Kaylah herself has declared the upcoming twerktorial “terrible.”)

damn i need to stop shoving my q-tips up there so hard

damn i need to stop shoving my q-tips up there so hard


Cut to the Auditorium, where New Puck and Fake Quinn are delivering aforementioned twerktorial, which opens with New Puck’s assertion that although twerking began in “the Atlanta club scene,” it’s now “global.” Like warming!

so then you've got a grapefruit in one hand, and a breast implant in the other - amirite fellas?

so then you’ve got a grapefruit in one hand, and a breast implant in the other —

Fake Quinn pops her nubile ass to Artie’s delight and Sam declares twerking “White Chocolate’s signature move,” because of course it is. Sir William complements Unique for being a twerking “natural,” to which she declares:

Unique: “I been twerking in my bedroom since I was six to Miss Beyonce.”

You guys, when I was six… Beyonce was also six.

stop it! stop peeing on me! no stop it!

stop it! stop peeing on me! no stop it!


We then slap on some earmuffs, furl a scratchy striped scarf around our vampire-ravaged necks, build a sled out of an abandoned coffee table and a stop sign, and scooch our way over to New York, New York, land of Carrie Bradshaw’s exes, where Rachel’s getting her haircut, probably at DRAMATICS NYC.

it's just like, i want girls, when they look at me, to know that i'm gay. without even having to ask.

it’s just like, i want girls when they look at me, to know that i’m gay. without even having to ask. you know?

Rachel says she wants something brand-new and different. Like this, probs:

some amazing photoshop

But before we’re gifted with a sneak-peek of her undercut, we cut immediately to Broadway Rehearsal, where Mike Dexter and Paolo Who Won a Tony are hanging out on a chaise lounge.

it's true, i slept with romi klinger and she lent me her hat!

it’s true, i slept with romi klinger and she lent me her hat!

Rachel removes her snowcap to reveal a brand-new bob, and both men are aghast ’cause haircuts and lipstick and vagazzles et al must be run by Mike Dexter first.

me. yes. me. i'm the man. nope, nope, my eyes are up here. that's right. here i am, i am man, you are woman, make me a sandwich, listen to me talk. thank you.

me. yes. me. i’m the man. nope, nope, my eyes are up here. that’s right. here i am, i am man, you are woman, make me a sandwich, listen to me talk. thank you.

Rachel’s like, look, my boyfriend literally just inexplicably dropped dead and besides everybody knows Broadway shows are the #1 employer of wig professionals so maybe we can all just move the fuck on. Thus Rachel and Paolo Who Won a Tony launch into “I Am Woman, You Are Man,” just in case anybody was confused, re: gender identities of Rachel and Paolo Who Won A Tony.

hey! i'm old enough to be your father!

hey! i’m old enough to be your father!

Mike Dexter is so awestruck by her performance that he declares undying love for her special haircut.

http://youtu.be/cJ5SQcpiXGc


We then buy our Mom’s old minivan with no middle seat and janky air conditioning, fill ‘er up with overpriced gasoline, and emit fossil fuels into our hearts and souls all the way across Pennsylvania until at last reaching Lima, Ohio, where Unique’s overdosed on Diet Coke and requires a mid-class bathroom pass.

hi yes, if you don't mind, i'd like to be excused from this show?

hi yes, if you don’t mind, i’d like to be excused from this show? i feel like the writers don’t really know anything about how it feels to be me and it’s just really getting ridiculous, you know?

Alas, Unique’s plan to sneak unseen into the little girls’s room is foiled by New Santana, who’s in there taste-testing lip gloss and chatting with the mirror about her plot to kill Snow White.

New Santana: Stop right there, voice of Elmo. Do you honestly expect me to believe you stumbled in here by accident?
Unique: Please don’t tell anyone. I’m afraid to use the boy’s bathroom. I can’t. I just don’t feel comfortable in there. I make sure to only come here during class so nobody finds out or gets upset.

do not go into that stall, there's a fetus in it!

do not go into that stall, there’s a fetus in it!

New Santana assures Unique that her secret’s safe with her, which it obviously isn’t, as we’re then transitioned into what Unique’s voiceover describes as the “Great McKinley Bathroom Gender Riot of 2013.” Said gender riot entails the following: New Santana discovers the boys’ room is a hot spot for riding the hobby horse with New Puck undetected.

stand still you have an eyelash

stand still you have an eyelash

Stoner Bret discovers the girls’ room smells better and allegedly has heated seats (You know who actually does have heated toilet seats? Google.) (AND THEY’RE AMAZING).

whoaaaaaa why's that girl in that stall door talking to the devil and shit

whoaaaaaa is that whole machine filled with tampons??????

Then, the girls, who must’ve spent their entire lives until this very moment with their heads buried in quicksand, “realize that boys never had to wait in line” and began using the boy’s room for their lady business.

who wants to see the fetus

come on ladies we have to see the fetus eventually, may as well be now

Then ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE and the bathrooms become crazy rave dance clubs, which is EXACTLY what Bill O’Reilly said would happen if you let trans* kids in the bathroom.

kitty ears at noon? nope.

bunny ears and unicorn paws at noon? nope.

here this is what it's gonna be like when we fuck later and i squirt all over your duvet

here this is what it’s gonna be like when we fuck later and i squirt all over your duvet

this is sort of like when they opened a nightclub in that building in "the office"

this is sort of like when they opened a nightclub in that building in “the office”

What does any of this have to do with anything? Nothing. What does this have to do with the legal battle ravaging our country at present regarding whether or not trans* folks can use the g*ddamn bathroom? Nothing!


We then hop into one of those thingamajigs they used to send Moses down the river and float on back to New York, New York, where Rachel arrives home at the Bushwick Barbie Dreamhouse Loft to find Kurt’s shocked out of his soft socks that Rachel chopped her luxurious mane of Jewish hair into a little bob of Jewish hair. Then she whips off the wig and reveals it was all just playtime, so I guess she was just at the hair salon to visit Shane.

and don't let me catch you wearing this wig and pretending to be Samantha Mathis

and don’t let me catch you wearing this wig and talking to yourself like Joey Potter

Rachel tells Kurt that he’s become super-boring ’cause all he does is drink smoothies, watch television and skype with Blaine, but not even sexy skyping, just the regular kind of skyping.

Rachel: Do you remember in high school how everything felt so urgent? Like if we didn’t just go for it we’d lose our chance forever?
Kurt: Yes it was very stressful.
Rachel: I want to feel that way again.

what do you mean i eat all the chocolate chip cookie dough bits and leave you with a tub of vanilla ice cream craters?

what do you mean i eat all the chocolate chip cookie dough bits and leave you with a tub of vanilla ice cream craters?

She’ll feel it again soon enough — the part of your twenties that comes right after college feels like that, too, I think, because you’re all grabbing for something again, like how in high school you were grabbing for the best college or otherwise impressive post-secondary-school plan and it’s the synchronicity – how so many people you know are reaching for the same thing at the same time. It’s a panic, really, which is motivational if you’re confident, and paralyzing if you’re not. Which is when you learn so much in life comes down to confidence. Which is petrifying.

see! right there out the window! i swear kurt they're doing naked yoga across the street

see! right there out the window! i swear kurt they’re doing naked yoga across the street

Kurt caves and agrees to do something wild and crazy, like drink a bottle of Limoncello, which btw was once how we identified Rock Bottom, as in, “we are so out of alcohol that I’m just gonna drink this fucking limoncello until I die.”

oooo that junior mint is minty fresh as hell

oooo that junior mint is minty fresh as hell

I could stay here, just to hear them breathing, and never return to Lima. Look I know I’m biased — as I’ve likely mentioned in past recaps, when I was Rachel’s age, I was living in an overpriced two-bedroom in New York City with my gay best friend (an actor) and a girl I was pretty good friends with in high school (a musician) and all of us were reaching hard and fast for something, anything, that would make us feel “worth it” and special and talented as much as high school did, and so in so many ways this is my story and I can’t help but want to see more of it, and always. But COME ON REGARDLESS OF ALL THAT, THIS SHOW IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE LIMA SHOW. Next year; Unique, Tina, Artie and Blaine should move to New York and McKinley should vanish into the ether.


We then pack ourselves a variety of meats and cheeses in a picnic basket, throw on our red hoodies and skip all the way back to Lima, Ohio, home of the Econo Lodge Lima, where Sue’s hosting a riveting segment of Sue’s corner.

did somebody cook ground beef in here yesterday

did somebody cook ground beef in here yesterday

Sue Sylvester: This nation faces a far more insidious foe: Miley Cyrus and the genital-flapping dance known as “twerking” that makes men and women alike look like overgrown, constipated toddlers. This vulgar sexually explicit excuse for a dance craze has brought American culture to a new low and that’s why tonight, Western Ohio, I solemnly pledge to end the pandemic of twerking once and for all. Not only will I outlaw twerking at McKinley High, but I have submitted a bill to the Ohio State Legislature  banning twerking in Ohio public schools. And Hannah Montana can go back to naked-straddling the three-ton wrecking ball she was clearly up-sold at Home Depot, as the tiny cinderblock room she’s elected to demolish is only about 12 square feet and already has a wall missing.

Honestly the relief I felt that she wouldn’t be discussing trans* kids going to the bathroom was so overwhelming I was unable to adequately analyze whatever else the fuck was happening here.


Starsweep to the Glee Room, where the children are up in arms about the twerking ban.

come on just one pizza party! how expensive could it be to throw us one little measely pizza party?

It’s called the Affordable Care Act, you doofus, NOT Obamacare, and just because the website doesn’t work now doesn’t mean it won’t work real soon!

Sir William’s especially incensed and spouts nonsense about lines in the sand and how Sue’s gonna hear them roar/twerk, and honestly he seems to care more about Sue’s ban on twerking than he has ever cared about anything, including Blaine being temporarily blinded by rock salt, Marley’s eating disorder, Ryder’s revelation about being a sexual abuse survivor, the rampant racism and transphobia consistently expressed by Fake Quinn, Finn outing Santana on national television, and Tina never getting a solo.

Sir William: Twerking is about blurring the lines between the past and the present, between men and women, between tradition and envelope-pushing. It’s all in that Alan Thicke song that I love.

Artie points out that the song’s by Robin Thicke, and that Sir William’s analysis is faulty, but Sir William already has a boner for his own idea and cannot control himself.

Yup, right under that seat is a secret passageway to the mancave where i spend my afternoons watching re-runs of Kids Incorporated and eating gummy worms

Yup, right under that seat is a secret passageway to the mancave where i spend my afternoons watching re-runs of Kids Incorporated and eating gummy worms

I know each episode exists in its own special time warp where we must disregard all past exposition, but you’ve got two sexual abuse survivors in your classroom and maybe should proceed with more sensitivity, Sir William. Or, you know, you could just keep on doing you, by which I mean, keep on being…

See how far apart my hands are? That's one tenth of the degree to which I am The Worst.

See how far apart my hands are? That’s one tenth of the degree to which I am The Worst.

Sir William insists that if Sue wants to “draw lines in the sand” then they will “blur those lines” by ejaculating their bodies into the hallway in a totally pervy performance of “Blurred Lines” starring a grown man as a date rapist.

Watch me cropdust the fuck out of this hallway, unsuspecting nasal cavities of McKinley High

Watch me cropdust the fuck out of this hallway, unsuspecting nasal cavities of McKinley High

How could Blurred Lines get creepier? It could be sung by William Schuster, white straight cis male authority figure, flanked on both sides by nubile teenage maidens, gyrating teenage homosexuals and a simmering Miley Cyrus Sex Riot.

Glee505-00138

How ELSE could Blurred Lines get creepier? It could focus extensively upon the tension between Marley’s unwillingness to play hide the snake in the bush with New Puck and his aggressiveness in convincing her to change her mind about that and go all the way.

if you hold real still i can transport the junior mints from my mouth into your mouth, like a blowback

if you hold real still i can transport the junior mints from my mouth into your mouth, like a blowback

Beyond that, “Blurred Lines” needs no more help ascending Mount Creepyasfuck.

ain't no party like a big boo party 'cause a big boo party don't stop

ain’t no party like a big boo party ’cause a big boo party don’t stop

omg i have those same boxer-briefs!

omg i have those same boxer-briefs!

keep rubbing and maybe we can start a fire

keep rubbing and maybe we can start a fire

hey girl can i be the santana to your brittany later tonight while my friend over here is the quin to our brittana

hey girl can i be the santana to your brittany later tonight while my friend over here is the quin to our brittana

twister fetitsh

twister fetitsh

I'm the king of the world!

I’m the king of the world!

Watch the whole calamity for yourself:

http://youtu.be/QPCa5Kpe6Uk


Starsweep to Prinicpal Sylvester’s office, where Sue offers some insight into the precise level of Sir William’s Worstness:

Sue: You do realize that Blurred Lines is a song about date rape, don’t you?
Sir William: (laughs) What? No it’s not.

HEY SHOW, having Sue call out problematic shit doesn’t make up for the fact that you still did some problematic shit and are gonna cash in via iTunes for doing so!

is deciding whether or not to have chicken kiev for lunch

is deciding whether or not to have chicken kiev for lunch

Sue: You need to back your ass up to the fact that you, a married 37-year-old, just performed a song about coercive sexual advances as nine minors twerked alongside you down the hallways of a public high school.
Sir William: It’s called the first amendment, Sue. This is about freedom of expression.

UGH THE FIRST AMENDMENT DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN SAY OR DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WHEREVER YOU WANT WTHOUT GETTING IN TROUBLE. IT MEANS YOU CAN DO/SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT WITHOUT GETTING ARRESTED OR EXECUTED BY THE GOVERNMENT. JESUSFUCKINGCHRIST. ALSO PUBLIC SCHOOLS ARE BASTIONS OF CENSORSHIP, ARGUABLY THERE IS NO INSTITUTION MORE CLOSELY  REGULATED FOR CURTAILED SPEECH/EXPRESSION THAN THE AMERICAN PUBLIC SCHOOLS AND IT’S NOT AGAINST THE LAW, IT’S PART OF THE LAW.

IN OTHER WORDS:

Sue fires Will but Will rejects that news. Why? Because he is…

Glee505-00170


We then time travel back to 1998, buy ourselves some killer rollerblades, time travel back to whatever godforsaken year or universe this godawful show takes place in, and speedrace each other all the way to a tattoo parlor in New York, New York, where Rachel and Kurt are chugging Limoncello out of the bottle. FYI, kiddos, before getting a tattoo you’ve gotta sign a thing that says you’re not drunk. But don’t worry they’ll never know the truth, unless you’re drinking LIMONCELLO OUT OF THE BOTTLE.

ok i'm imagining that quinn is wearing a strap-on — i just stick it in like this?

Okay, I’m imagining that Quinn is wearing a strap-on — i just stick it in like this?

This exact thing happened to me once, where my Broadway actress best friend decided she wanted to get REAL CRAZY and by that I mean get me really drunk and take me to get a tattoo because you know, actresses aren’t supposed to get permanent body modifications until they’re certified famous.

close your eyes and think about blaine

just close your eyes and think about blaine

Before we can see which Blaine fanart Kurt got tattooed on his buttcheek, we cut to the next morning, when Kurt awakens with a killer hangover and a botched tattoo — Kurt had requested “It Gets Better,” but instead got “It’s Get Better.”

Kurt: “It’s both personal and political just like me.”

Kurt talks a tad too enthusiastically about the prospect of running into Dan Savage in the steam room at David Barton and a tad too terrifyingly about the prospect of said radio star noticing Kurt’s typo’ed shoulder blade.

oh my lord i grew a tail! i'm turning into a goat! a goat, rachel, i'm turning into a goat!

Oh my Lord, I grew a tail! I’m turning into a GOAT, Rachel! A GOAT!!!

Rachel insists Kurt return to the tattoo parlor and right this wrong. The takeaway from this scene is that all the gayboys and boy-loving-ladies of the world got to see Chris Colfer with his shirt off and he did not disappoint.


We then remove our clothing, coat our bodies in thick layers of cold cream, olive oil, and vegan lubricant, and rocket ourselves on slip-a-slides all the way back to Lima, Ohio, where Unique is using the boy’s bathroom because the world is terrible and nothing makes sense.

holy crap i am not ready for how terrible it is going to smell in this innermost circle of hell

holy crap i am not ready for how g-dawful it is going to smell in this innermost circle of hell

“Well, if it isn’t the “Q” in the LGBTQ-XYZ-who-gives-a-crap,” says Mean Boy #1, who obviously never watched Sesame Street ’cause then he’d know that Unique is a T.

yeah there's a girl in here talking to the devil, so

yeah there’s a girl in here talking to the devil, so

Unique begs to do her “business” and let them go, but they want to know how she “does her business” and so they snatch her wig and flush it down the toilet. It’s awful. She huddles in the corner, devastated, starting to cry, and then she softly starts into “If I Were A Boy,” and it’s actually perfect. We transition into the Glee Room where everybody listens with wet eyes and clutching emotional hands and I cried through the whole fucking thing.

http://youtu.be/UPF6JUsB1r4

Sam and Ryder and New Puck wanna know whose doucheface they can punch in this afternoon, but Unique insists the bullying will just get worse if they retaliate, an assertion patently proved false in Season Two when the boys retaliating against Kurt’s bullies finally got them to cut it the fuck out.

Well I guess it all started the first time I went through the second grade. I caught my reflection in a spoon while I was eating my cereal, and I remember thinking "wow, you're ridiculously good looking, maybe you could do that for a career."

Well we guess it all started the first time we went through the second grade. We caught our reflections in our spoons while we were eating our cereal, and we remember thinking “wow, you’re ridiculously good looking, maybe you could do that for a career.”

Sir William, of course, says that’s a terrible idea, but Sir William is an idiot, so. Instead they’ll do something else that is also worse, I’m sure.


Cut to the School Board meeting, headed up by Ted Beneke, where Sir William’s forced to make a case for twerking, because this show is complete nonsense.

"clamidiyal." C. L. A. M. D. I. Y. A. L. C. R. E. E. P. Clamidyal.

“clamidiyal.” C. L. A. M. D. I. Y. A. L. C. R. E. E. P. Clamidyal.

Sir William then narrates a Tomorrowland-esque Voyage into the History of American Dance, as demonstrated by his animatronic band of hormonal idiots.

yup, it's me, i farted

yup, it’s me, i’m the one who put whiskey in the fruit punch

All these demonstrated dances have one thing in common, says Sir William: they seemed scandalous at the time but now seem innocent and quaint. Actually what all those dances have in common is that the white Americans “scandalized” by said dances didn’t even create them in the first place but had no problem taking credit for it: the Twist traces back to West Africa, the Charleston originated in Harlem, Elvis got all his musical influences from gospel and rhythm & blues, Chubby Checker invented The Pony, and the Lambada is from Brazil. AMERICAN! HISTORY! Oh the waltz though. Totally on us.

yes, there, grab me there, right in my bustle

snooze

I want this entire show to catch on fire so I can throw its ashes down our bathroom sink drain. Much like the Drano already taking up space in said sink drain, this show is full of empty promises. “Do you want to be on the right side of musical history?” Sir William asks. If “the right side” is his side, I’m gonna have to go with…


Unique has requested a gender-neutral bathroom, and Sue’s responded by installing The Riddlers’ personal port-o-potty in the Glee Room, which Tina is really enjoying and everybody else hates. Including me.

this isn't ridiculously fucking degrading at all

this isn’t ridiculously fucking degrading at all

Once again I’ll quote Mey’s tumblr: “Seriously, couldn’t the episode have been about the Glee Club fighting for Uniques’ right to use the women’s bathroom instead of having to use a unisex one? And were we not supposed to be ridiculously offended when the “special” bathroom designed for Unique had question marks all over it? It’s pretty obvious that was a joke where the punchline is that they aren’t acknowledging her gender.”


Back in New York, Kurt charges into the tattoo parlor with his self-righteous indignation and instead of bitch-slapping him on both cheeks with a cheeseburger, the tattoo artist shows Kurt the design Kurt provided him with, proving that it was Kurt’s typo, not that guy’s, that resulted in his grammatically confusing tattoo in this terrible font.

it could be worse, it could be in comic sans

it could be worse, it could be in comic sans

The tattoo artist says Kurt doesn’t seem like the tattooing type, but Kurt explains that his path has been different and exciting but not really and now he wants to take a streetcar towards desire or something.  Tattoo artist says when you go off-road, crazy things happen, like when he got a tattoo of the host of That’s Incredible! on his chest in Hong Kong and turned it into a demon. He volunteers to fix Kurt’s tattoo and throw in a free tongue piercing, which’ll be great for rimming and terrible for acting and singing.

that guy on the street outside in the buggie? he said i had a cute butt?

that guy on the street outside in the buggie? he said i had a cute butt?


We then ski all the way to Hunter Mountain in upstate New York, change into our sneakers, and enter a magical wardrobe which ejects us directly into the hallowed hallways of McKinley High, where New Santana’s guffawing over a Vine of Marley being a bad dancer and subsequently offering to gift Marley with a Twerktorial of her own. Oh and also:

New Santana: “After your pathetic night of don’t touch me there I mean it, Jake, he came running to me. And we twerked all night long.”

and that's samira wiley in a blazer, and that's samira wiley with a puppy, and that's samira wiley with an umbrella

and that’s samira wiley in a blazer, and that’s samira wiley with a puppy, and that’s samira wiley with an umbrella

Marley-Kate is like nah New Puck would totes never do that, not with “trash” like you, and then New Santana is like:

New Santana: That is slut-shaming. You are using the derogatory label “trash” for a female’s natural sensuality. It’s femiphobic, neoretrogenderist and a clear form of sexual bullying.

HAHAHA FEMINISM HAHAHA LOL HAHAHAA LOL and then New Santana says something gross about a mole on New Puck’s hip and how they banged all night long like wild bunny rabbits.

oh my god i left the butt plug in

oh my god i left the butt plug in


Marley-Kate confronts New Puck and she’s crying a lot and he’s just like, whoops.

this is my interpretive dance of how it feels to be a tampon stuck behind another tampon

this is my interpretive dance of how it feels to be a tampon stuck behind another tampon

Then “Wrecking Ball” happens and admittedly I’ve never seen the original, but this one manages to be both really sad and sort of like a weird ABC Family promo / commercial for adult diapers.

holy firestars this is the best sex toy ever

holy flamewars this is the best sex toy ever

oh fuck these walls don't really go very high

oh fuck these walls don’t really go very high do they

Mmmmm this is like a Lelo for my soul

Mmmmm yup that hits the spot

In my MOUTH, dammit! How many times do I have to tell you not to put the junior mints in my ears but in my MOUTH!

In my MOUTH, dammit! How many times do I have to tell you not to put the junior mints in my ears but in my MOUTH!

And then I threw a bottle of wine at Marina's house

And then I threw a bottle of wine at Marina’s house

well this is awkward

well this is awkward


Cut to the Glee Room, where Unique’s gotta pee, and I feel really weird that everybody’s gotta talk about Unique’s urinary tract and bowel movements all the time when they should be talking about how that g-dawful piece of fabric ended up becoming a shirt and then becoming a costume on this show.

hello yes can i be excused from this show please

Hello yes me again, can i be excused from this show please

Sir William The Cisgender Savior Industrial Complex takes Unique through the hallway blabbering about some nonsense I can’t listen to because I hate him, and Sir William says any time Unique needs to pee, she just needs to find him and he’ll let her into the faculty bathroom, because that’s a totally efficient and not a remotely infantilizing solution to a problem with a much more obvious solution: let the woman use the woman’s bathroom and ensure that space remains safe for her.

seriously stop following teenage girls to the bathroom

look, mr. schuster, here’s the thing: nobody likes you

Unique’s really grateful to Sir William for everything which makes me want to die because he’s awful and he never stands up for her, ever, and the only ally cookie he deserves is a Fig Newton that’s been soaked in hot dog water for five hours.

just ignore all those pictures of wavy-haired girls running around in the woods on all those whiteboards in there, i promise i'm not A

just ignore all those pictures of wavy-haired girls running around in the woods on the walls in there, promise i’m not “A.”

Sir William: “No one needs to know how you identify yourself, they just need to know you washed your hands after.”

SHE IS A GROWN ASS WOMAN WILLIAM STOP TALKING TO HER LIKE A FUCKING TODDLER.

Glee505-00327

Sue spies Sir William’s self-serving gesture from her vantage point as the all-knowing all-seeing sorceress of the universe and tells Sir William she’ll give Unique a key to the bathroom if William gives up twerking.

nope, this is exactly the most i can open my piehole for the insertion of junior mints

nope, this is exactly the most i can open my piehole for the insertion of junior mints

Also, Sue continues using male pronouns for Unique and Sir William never corrects her, not ever, and I used to think “well, being a racist homophobic transphobic dicknail is just her character,” but as a girl who has now played about 75,000 games of Quiz Up Glee Trivia (insomnia is a bitch) and reported at least 75 trivia questions that referred to Unique as “Wade” using male pronouns to The Powers That Be, I can say that in this case Sue’s continuous usage of male pronouns has become a condoned behavior that is really dangerous to promote in a world where kids are never, ever, not ever, taught or told anything about transgender people anywhere besides this show. Especially since aside from her treatment of Unique, Sue’s been the only one calling out sketchy shit this season.

Glee505-00339

William refuses to take the deal, because he’s a heartless douchebag.

Sue: Oh for God’s sake, William, that’s your red line? Of all the things in the world to be outraged about.

Sir William: This isn’t about twerking. This about standing up to sue sylvester and her inane out of touch meddling. It’s about standing up against your repeated attempts to suppress the glee club and what we’re trying to say. When a law is unjust, it’s your duty as an American to disobey. It’s called civil disobedience.

Then Sir William rages out of the office, Sue-style, which’d be funnier if I didn’t want to smash a xylophone over his head for just picking booty-popping over Unique’s safety and happiness, or that such a choice even exists in the world of this show.

I'm gonna rock the Presidential Fitness Test this year! Hi-YA!

I’m gonna rock the Presidential Fitness Test this year! Hi-YA!


We then crabwalk backwards in sweatsuits to the Barbie Dreamhouse Bushwick Loft in New York, New York, where Kurt’s returned from a fencing match in Idaho with his tongue pierced!

it got stuck to a pole!

it got stuck to a pole!

Also, the tattoo artist “fixed” his tattoo to say “It’s Got Bette Midler,” so now it’s REALLY the worst tattoo ever.

Oh Jesus if he says one more thing about BB Cream I'm gonna fall asleep and die

Oh Jesus if he says one more thing about BB Cream I’m gonna fall asleep and die

Kurt notes that “ever since Finn died, I’ve been going about my business, but I’ve also kind of been in a trance and I guess I just needed to be shocked back to life.” Kurt departs to have skype-sex with Blaine and Rachel tiptoes into the bathroom to reveal to the camera that she got tatted up, too:

Glee505-00366


Back at McKinley, Sir William finally figures out how to get rid of his bad ideas by erasing them from the board. Just kidding, Sir William did some Serious Soul Searching and ultimately decided that Unique’s safety was more important than extras rubbing their asscheeks against his thigh in the hallway.

we did it, you guys.

Yup, it’s true, I won Underwhelming Teacher of the Year 2013, and proud of it!

Unique steps forward to give Sir William a metaphorical pat on the back for doing the absolute minimum required to be a good person, and then everybody admits that twerking wasn’t really their style anyhow. Their style is more like “wearing patterns and stripes” and “caftans.” We then transition into a song Sir William ensures is “more their style.” It’s a recent pop song I’ve never heard before so that description seems accurate.

holy crap my balls are on fire from that floor-skid

holy crap my balls are on fire from that floor-skid

fall over and die fall over and die fall over and die

fall over and die fall over and die fall over and die

junior mints, we command you to fall from the ceiling into our gullets right this minute!

junior mints, we command you to fall from the ceiling into our gullets right this minute!

All these kids are one spin away from a Vomit Party, but Sir William is loving it.

Glee505-00387

Check it:

http://youtu.be/l-BmA-opyn8


Next week on Glee, I’ll be watching Catching Fire instead of Glee! But you can look forward to this:

who cares

who cares

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Riese

Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3251 articles for us.

31 Comments

  1. I just. I cannot even. I CANNOT. On the one hand, Unique’s rendition of If I Were a Boy is perfect and heartbreaking, and yes, I totally cried. On the other hand, EVERYTHING ELSE. God, I couldn’t even get all the way through the video of Blurred Lines, I was so skeeved out. Also… none of that was twerking. WHITE PEOPLE JUST NEED TO STOP WITH THE SO-CALLED TWERKING.

  2. Everything about this makes me cringe. The sad reality of our world is that people will watch this and see nothing wrong. They won’t see how transphobic the treatment of Unique’s character is. Or just the general terribleness of it all.

    • Exactly – gay people I know were writing about this episode as though it were wonderful and trans positive. I tried so hard to explain why that was wrong, but just couldn’t get through to them. So frustrating.

  3. How do you even stand recapping this show anymore, Riese? I tried to watch to see what was up with The Worst et al., but couldn’t get past the awful. Also, does anyone care about new cast members?

  4. I almost vomited in my mouth just reading that Schu sang Blurred Lines. This is appalling. Fuck this show. I can’t even watch the first season anymore without getting incredibly distressed because HOW COULD *THAT* TURN INTO *THIS* SO QUICKLY???

  5. The sheer amount of transphobia and stupidity makes me want to throw up. Why in the world would they use Blurred Lines anyway. I’ve never watched Glee before and this gives me more of a reason to stay away.

  6. I don’t understand how Unique singing “if I were a boy” could be so good and make me cry, but the rest of her storyline was so bad. How did they even manage that?

    And new-Santana’s slut-shaming talk was super annoying.

    • I think that new-Santana’s slut-shaming talk was especially annoying, because it was just another cheap joke at the expense of women who dare to critize Glee. Remember “lesbian bloggers” and “hashtag Glee hates girls”?

  7. Every part of my former teacher self wants to go through the TV and throttle Will Schuester. So far this season he’s… stolen a grief memento from another student AND implicated another student in this, harassed a girl with an eating disorder over not wanting wear a bikini, and sung Blurred Lines to his students. Also with no more Ms. Pillsbury, there isn’t anyone to balance out his crazy and tell him when he’s being an awful human being.

    My only hope is that maybe Glee is building him up to be awful and will end the show by sending him to a jail where Nathan Lane has already headed up a prison choir and he has no job to do.

    Also, I loved Unique’s version of If I Was a Boy, but Nellie Veithemer’s from the Glee Project still has a special place in my heart.

    • I’m so glad I’m not the only one holding out hope that they’re building him up to be awful, not just to us (feminists, smart people), but to everyone.

      I know it’s the most wishful of wishful thinking but… his behavior has been truly upsetting and over the top. It’s bizarre. I wonder what the actor thinks of his character.

  8. Couldn’t help but yell at the screen as Ryder stood up to “defend” Unique and I was reminded of his exceptionally trans*phobic response to her crush last season.

    This was so validating to read after probably the worst episode of Glee they’ve ever done.

  9. The cheeseball part of my soul really just wants to watch talented people sing and dance to songs that I know. But the cheese melts under all of the transphobia, racism, biphobia, sexism, general creepitude and assholery, etc. Also, I’ve officially gotten too old to know most of the music. Therefore I can’t watch this show anymore. But I really like your recaps.
    According to the super reliable internetz some junior mints are vegan now. I need to go find some.

  10. I just cannot with this show anymore. As soon as I heard they were going to do “Blurred Lines” (or as it should be correctly named: the date rape song) I turned to my girlfriend and said “I bet someone will sing it and then someone else will point out it’s rape-y and then Glee will pat itself on the back for being somewhat aware of the awfulness but still rake in the iTunes money.” And to be honest, I’m terrible at predicting shit like this. That’s how predictably terrible this show has gotten.

    However I do still love the NYC bits. Could someone magically cut just those bits together so I never have to look at Will Scheuster’s ever again?

  11. “IT’S JUST LIKE, I WANT GIRLS WHEN THEY LOOK AT ME, TO KNOW THAT I’M GAY. WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO ASK. YOU KNOW?” is what the voices inside my head are screaming every time I tell my hairstylist something like “I don’t know, maybe…. wispier this time?”

  12. Riese, I cannot thank you enough for suffering through this shit show to bring us these hilarious reviews (hands over imaginary fruit basket).

    • you’re welcome! (eats all the berries first and then the apples and then the pineapple and then maybe the melon if i am still hungry)

  13. This episode makes me wonder where they are going to draw the line with all of this.

    They=the writers who think this is ok, the actors who consent to do it (I know it’s really difficult once you’ve signed a contract, but those have to be renewed at some point right? Also I know it is complicated when it will mean losing a reliable source of income etc.), and the people who watch the show who need to hold Glee accountable via their viewership and iTunes accounts.

    I used to enjoy Glee’s songs because they (usually, somewhat) applied to what was going on in the show and they were catchy…but now that’s all overshadowed by the show that I can’t even enjoy the catchiness anymore.
    Can we just have a NYC spin-off? I feel like that’s the natural progression of the show anyway, since it was primarily focused on the “original six” cast members, especially Rachel. But that’s going back to season 1 and as far as Ryan Murphy is concerned that’s a long time ago in a galaxy far far away…

    Also in regards to one of the captions, All I want for Christmas is Quinn Fabray with a strap on. Can someone please tell Santa?

  14. I am so confused as to how I missed the abuse storylines… Didn’t realize they bothered to give Ryder and Kitty depth last season.

    But Will has becoming increasingly inappropriate. He’s made me uncomfortable for a long time now (the Rocky Horror episode comes to mind) but now it’s ridiculous. Protesting totally reasonable dress codes? Suspending a girl from Glee Club for not violating those dress codes? Saying that girl’s choice to not make herself uncomfortable for others’ entertainment is a selfish “agenda”? And then everything that happened in this episode. Completely ridiculous.

    Meanwhile, I missed Santana in a major way. Seems like she would’ve fit in perfectly to the “let’s do something crazy!” storyline.

  15. I stopped watching glee years ago, but I still tune in for these recaps just to see what unimaginable ways glee has effed up this time. A+ on the recaps :)

  16. Riese, it’s amazing how your reviews of such an awful show are still enjoyable to read. I haven’t watched the show in years but still read your recaps.
    If they ever decide to just follow the characters in NYC and no more McKinley I might consider watching again, but until then I’ll just read your recaps..

  17. ‘You guys, when I was six… Beyonce was also six.’

    This was my favourite quote from this recap!

  18. “JUST IGNORE ALL THOSE PICTURES OF WAVY-HAIRED GIRLS RUNNING AROUND IN THE WOODS ON THE WALLS IN THERE, PROMISE I’M NOT ‘A.'”

    FuuuuuUUUUUCCKKKk. That was the funniest thing.

    I imagine that when Ryan Murphy interviews people to write for this show, it goes something like this: “Do you think that people should be able to joke about anything they want, no matter how offensive or triggering it may be to other people? No? Good answer, good answer. And do you think that a writer should be able to write about any hot button issue, ESPECIALLY when they pertain to minorities who aren’t gay cis white men, without having to do any research or give any thought to the fallout that might come from misrepresenting such an important topic? Yes? Wow, you’re really acing this interview.”

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