Winter is finally almost over, which means the best season is finally upon us: Girl Scout cookie season! This particular Girl Scout cookie season is special for me because it coincides with my completion of a Great British Bake Off (aka The Greatest TV Show in History) marathon. Now that I am an expert on every bakable thing, I am happy to share my extensive knowledge with you, which I have done below by ranking every Girl Scout cookie on a scale of one to five Mary Berrys.
“Gluten-free, rich buttery cookies packed with golden toffee bits bursting with flavor.”
These are tasty, but basically just a Heath bar, which you can buy year round at every CVS and gas station in the country. Two Mary Berrys.
“Crispy vanilla cookies layered with peanut butter and covered with a chocolaty coating.”
Three distinct layers, three distinct textures, three delicious flavors. Four Mary Berrys.
“Crisp, zesty lemon wedge cookies dusted with powdered sugar.”
I hail from the great state of Georgia and let me tell you something about Savannah: What makes people smile there is pralines. Toasted pecans covered in a mixture of warm brown sugar and butter, and cooled into little bites so sweet and smooth it’s like eating dessert in heaven. In Savannah, powdered sugar is for funnel cakes, not lemon wedges. One Mary Berry.
“Vanilla cookies topped with caramel, sprinkled with toasted coconut, and laced with chocolaty stripes.”
Like Tagalongs, Samoas feature multiple textures and layers. Crunchy cookie bottom, gooey caramel center, crisp toasted coconuts, and creamy chocolate topping. This is the most flavorful of all Girl Scout Cookies, and there aren’t any mass-produced cookies on the market that taste anything like them. Four and a half Mary Berrys.
“Savory slices of shortbread with a refreshingly tangy lemon flavored icing.”
This is an insult to Mary Queen of Scots, specifically, and to Scotland, in general. Half a Mary Berry.
“Shortbread cookies dipped in rich fudge and topped with an embossed thank you message in one of 5 languages.”
This is also an insult — shortbread stands alone! — but I confess I love the idea of Mary Queen of Scots sarcastically handing these things out to her enemies. Thanks a lot, Lord Bothwell. Three Mary Berrys.
“Crispy chocolate wafers dipped in a mint chocolaty coating.”
The all-time great. There’s a reason every American household has three boxes of Thin Mints in the freezer, and it’s because if the apocalypse comes, humanity is going to need a reason to keep going, and pursing Thin Mints will be that reason. Also probably they’re in the freezer because no one wants to run out of them before next Girl Scout Cookie season. Either way: Five Mary Berrys.
Cranberry Citrus Crisps
“Crispy cookie, made with whole grain, full of tangy cranberry bits and zesty citrus flavor.”
Whole grain cookies? No. One Mary Berry.
“A crispy oatmeal cookie with plump, juicy raisins and Greek yogurt-flavored chunks.”
Okay, Greek yogurt doesn’t have a flavor. That’s how come Chobani has to add all that food coloring and fruit and stuff into the good-tasting ones to get you to buy them. And anyway, every time you get a raisin in a bite of regular oatmeal raisin cookies, it’s like a small little mouth-victory. Why are you adding no-flavored chunks to them? You’re not doing anything to the taste and you’re ruining the raisin’s one chance to shine! Two Mary Berrys.
“Crisp and crunchy oatmeal cookies with creamy peanut butter filling.”
The closest thing to a Do-si-do in the grocery store is a Nutter Butter, but those things are still about a hundred miles way from these sandwich cookie marvels. The cookie part of the Do-si-do is more crumbly and textured than the Nutter Butter, and the filling tastes much more like actual peanut butter. Four and a half Mary Berrys.
“Chocolate chips nestled in a gluten free peanut butter oatmeal cookie.”
Too many competing flavors going on here. It’s a peanut butter cookie but it’s an oatmeal cookie but also it’s a chocolate chip cookie. Two out of three of any of those things would be a good combo, but Trios take it one step too far. One and a half Mary Berrys.
“Traditional shortbread cookies.”
Shortbread as it was meant to be eaten: without accessories. Sheer perfection. Four Mary Berrys.