What Chain Restaurant Appetizer Are You?

From the same chaotic brain that brought you “Mozzarella Sticks I’ve Eaten, Ranked” comes this deep-fried n juicy personality quiz, which will have you wishing you could drive to a suburban strip mall to plop down in a booth and order off a plastic menu. Listen, this is all just good silly fun so please do not yell at me for not including your personal favorite chain restaurant as one of the options! Like I personally LOVE Friendly’s, but I deemed it too regional to be included! Ok bye see you at Olive Garden!


Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is a lesbian writer of essays, short stories, and pop culture criticism living in Miami. She is currently a fiction editor at TriQuarterly. Her short stories appear or are forthcoming in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Catapult, and The Offing. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 279 articles for us.

31 Comments

  1. Olive Garden endless soup, salad and bread sticks!

    “You have a lot to give. An endless well of love and care. Everyone should have a friend like you, because you know exactly what to get someone for their birthday, and you always remember what foods they don’t eat.”

  2. I’m apparently Bonefish Grill’s Bang Bang Shrimp and I’m not American so I’ve never heard of that but I love the description you’re giving me, after getting Stacey Merkin in the L Word quiz I really needed a win.

  3. Hooters Fried Pickles, but I had to fudge a couple answers. My favorite cereal (even as a kid) has been shredded wheat, and the last book I read was on the Python programming language and didn’t fit any of those provided.

  4. Hard Rock Cafe’s Classic Nachos.
    “Okay, there’s no getting around it: You have fuckboi vibes. Listen! It’s fine! Honor your truth! Everyone loves nachos for a reason. You KNOW you don’t have to work too hard to impress, you charming motherfucker!”

  5. Mozz sticks, what I got.

    I was weirded out by the kitchen question. I don’t even have any of those things, except for a spatula, and I hardly ever use it. This is despite that cooking is one of my hobbies. My favorite kitchen tool is the humble knife. It is so satisfying to cut things up into tiny, tiny pieces…

  6. Bloomin’ Onion:

    “Let’s be honest: This appetizer is sexy. It is both food and art. Likewise, you are a sultry babe with powerful energy. And like an onion, you’ve got layers, baby! You’re much more than just a snack.”

    I’ll take it!

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