Is he cutting you off from community, or are these merely the consequences of your own actions? LET’S FIND OUT.

Q

Last Pride I got wasted and made out with a girl at a queer party.  I’d gone to the party without my boyfriend because I didn’t want to be the girl who brought her boyfriend to a girl party and well I knew I would have more fun without him, not feeling like I had to make him feel included in something that’s not really for him. But then I was so messy I had to call him to pick me up. I told him what happened and he was pretty hurt and we had a lot to work through but got back to a good place. I felt awful for hurting him and I’ve gotten my shit together since then, that was the last time I got wasted for example, now I never have more than a few drinks. Pride has come around again and he doesn’t want me going to any parties like I did last year, without him. I brought him to a brunch and to the parade, but when it comes to the night parties I just decided not to go at all, but I feel really sad about it. I understand that he’s triggered by it, but it feels like he’s cutting me off from community that means a lot to me? Should I just accept the consequences of my actions or push back?

A

Summer: The one time I cheated on a partner was under very similar circumstances. A night out. Exciting and interesting people. A tipsy make-out session. And yes, followed by the horror of disclosing it to my partner and watching our relationship be forever changed by the violation of trust.

From one person who’s cheated to another: I don’t think your boyfriend is in the wrong for wanting you to avoid the circumstances that allowed you to cheat once. You’re not a victim. You’re experiencing the consequences of decisions that led to a violation of trust. And while I do believe that anyone is capable of change (including us cheaters), it’s hardly unreasonable of the people we most pointedly hurt to not want a repeat event.

I recognize and believe in the work you’ve done since then regarding alcohol and personal reflection. That’s exactly how we reform ourselves. By doing the work. That work also includes accommodating the needs and comfort of the person we harmed. In your case, it means not going to the nighttime parties. Pride can be celebrated in countless ways. You’ve done the parade and brunch. There are other options to connect with your queer community, and the loss of one celebratory avenue does not deprive you of access to Pride entirely. I firmly believe that if you wish to rebuild that goodwill with your boyfriend, his feelings in this area are important.

Valerie:  I think you should ask yourself, why are the night parties important to you? Like Summer said, there are other ways to connect to your queer community, with AND without your boyfriend, that don’t have to include night parties at Pride. Do you want to go because you WANT to make out with more girls? If so, this might be something to dig into about yourself; maybe you’re not as willing to be in a monogamous relationship with your boyfriend as you thought. Maybe it’s something you have to reflect on with yourself, and maybe even discuss with him. I personally hate the idea of someone disallowing you to do anything, as an adult person with autonomy, but I do think you have to consider what’s more important to you, respecting the boundaries he’s set to make him feel comfortable and secure in the relationship, or going to these Pride night parties. It’s okay if the answer is the latter, but it’s less okay to resent the boundaries your past choices have led him to feel he has to put in place.

Eva: I have to agree with Summer and Valerie. Trust has been broken between you and your boyfriend. He is totally valid for feeling a way about you going right back into the environment where you cheated. Pride parties are fun and they can be freeing spaces, but it’s more than a nighttime affair. Like Valerie said, if you really feel compelled to go to the night parties, interrogate why. If your relationship is not fulfilling to the point that you want to go against his boundary, then you need to do some more self-reflection.

Nico: I agree with Summer that it’s reasonable of your boyfriend to not want a complete repeat of the circumstances in which you cheated last year. You mention that you’d have more fun at the parties without your boyfriend, and I think it would be valuable to explore if there’s anything more here than just his sexual orientation. Do you generally not have fun with him at parties? Do you want to be flirting with other people? Do you wish you had the freedom to do whatever you wanted without having to consider the needs of a partner? As in: is there something that this desire is telling you about something in your relationship or unmet needs you might have? If yes, that’s worth exploring outside of this context, even if it leads you to some uncomfortable conclusions.

And if it is really about the parties, and you want to go, maybe a good compromise is for your boyfriend to don his best Straight Ally attire and go with you to the night parties, anyway. That is, if he consents and wants to. It sounds like he’s been fine at the parade and at brunch, so I don’t see why a queer night party would be too, too different. Even though you mention it not really being for him, I can guarantee you he’s not the only Straight Ally Boyfriend making an appearance at Pride parties this year. While straight people should not be infiltrating Pride parties en masse, I think you can make your own choices about your plus one.

Finally, this just might be a year without the night parties, if you conclude that you’re going to prioritize your boyfriend’s comfort this go round and he doesn’t want to tag along.  After all, it’s true that he’s not the one who cheated, so it is considerate to take his feelings into account. However, I would encourage you to talk with your boyfriend about how long this boundary will last, because it’s not reasonable for it to last forever just for a makeout, in my opinion.

Riese: These answers are so interesting to me! I do think it would be really kind of you to not go. Like that would be a nice thing you could do for your boyfriend to show him that you don’t want him to spend the evening wrecked with anxiety. But I don’t think he can tell you that you can’t go. Either you’ve been forgiven or you haven’t, either he trusts you now or he doesn’t. I’d understand if it was a few weeks later or something but it has been a year, and you’ve changed your drinking behavior.. Although honestly now reading all these answers I am like, maybe I was wrong to apply this to my past relationships where I was cheated on and felt like it would be too controlling to tell the cheater not to continue to be around the same scenarios or people?! It just seemed like either you forgive someone or you don’t, right? Not that this ever really worked out for me….

Ok but who’s the real activist here??

Q

So, my wife and I are pretty in sync politically, mostly. The one big thing we differ on is showing up to protests, which came to a head this past weekend for the No Kings protest. She was burned out from her workweek (she’s an elementary school teacher and it was their last week of classes for the regular school year) and just wanted to relax and unwind. Her sister had invited us over to their pool, and that sounded way better to her. She says that being an elementary school teacher makes her feel like she’s really contributing to society, and maybe the reason I feel like I have to be at every protest is because my job doesn’t give back. It’s true that I work for a huge, pretty awful corporation, I do enjoy the work because I like the people I work with, and I enjoy that the pay makes it possible for us to live well and for her to be a teacher. So, she went to the pool and I went to the protest with some friends. But then we had a big fight about all of this when we got back. I wonder, isn’t progressives sitting by the pool while the world burns like, how fascist dictatorships sneak in and take over? What do you think?

A

Eva: Being a schoolteacher is a major way to give back to the world and the community. I also think it is fair for you to be critical about why she does not want to be more involved. That said, going to protests can be a very frightening thing for people especially if they have never gone before. I want to name that in case that is a reservation for you and if it is something that you two have not discussed. Your wife may very well be scared, and that is valid and real. Also while it is important that we all get our rest as we continue this fight, you are right in your dissonant feelings as you protest and she lays out poolside. Going to the pool instead of finding another way to be politically engaged is not comparable. There are many ways to stay engaged and support sociopolitical causes without physically going to a protest. Some of these ways include going to candlelight vigils for those detained by ICE, brutalized by law enforcement and/or murdered by the powers that be. As a schoolteacher, she can join the teacher’s union of the nearest large city and even engage her students in worthwhile political education, whether that be class discussions, hanging up posters that support certain causes and/or bringing reading materials written by diverse authors into the classroom. It’s important to note that some of these options may or may not be possible for her to do depending on her school district. If being a teacher is her way of being engaged, then she needs to not only talk that talk but walk that walk. I encourage you to bring some of these things up with her. Tread lightly because it is all too easy to offend people when you might be harboring resentment. Wishing you both all the best as you navigate these murky waters.

Summer: Well, us lefties sure aren’t beating the allegations that we’re more committed to fighting amongst ourselves than the opposition.

What I see is that you both have a belief in shaping society to your vision of common good. That’s a great thing. I think you’re already approaching the topic that everyone has different circumstances and means that determine how we can affect change in the world. That’s what I’d sit on: during this past month, you both did things that serve the good you want to see in this world. There’s no tier list of the impact or ‘goodness’ of activism. Activism and social change are exhausting to affect and no person can be committed to the cause 24/7. I don’t think a fight was necessary, nor do I think choosing to take a break from work rather than protest was a morally questionable decision.

During WWII, the most destructive armed conflict in human history, there were countless acts of resistance against the antagonists. Some people fought in the war itself. Some people incorrectly marked dipsticks to sabotage Nazi vehicles. Some protested peacefully. Some marked property with graffiti. Some transmitted coded messages. Some harbored fugitives. Given the nature of the war, every single one of these acts of resistance placed the participants at extreme risk. And in hindsight, none of them can be ranked above the other. People took part in the resistance that their circumstances permitted.

While the consequences for your resistance aren’t nearly as dire, I think the principle applies. You both believe in the shared cause and are doing your parts. The collective cause you believe in doesn’t benefit from infighting or resentment from within. Nor will something as nebulous as your freedoms and rights ever remember what you did to preserve them. Only that you tried something.

Valerie Anne: I’m basically going to just be reiterating things Eva and Summer said, I think there are so many different ways to protest besides showing up in person to physical protests. There are a lot of people who CAN’T physically attend protests—because of physical or mental limitations, job limitations, logistical issues, etc—that you would never accuse of not participating in the general resistance effort. Is your wife posting on social media, participating in any boycotts, signing petitions or emailing/calling local representatives, voting in local elections? Is she using her position as a queer person in the educational system to stand up for what she believes in, engaging in discussion with coworkers and school boards, pushing back against book bans, etc? Because I highly doubt, if your political beliefs align the way you say they do, that she is doing NOTHING besides going to the pool. Hell, even queer joy is a form of resistance in this current political climate. I think it’s awesome that you’re willing and able to attend protests; they ARE a vital part of resisting and making real, effective change. But it’s not the ONLY way, and accusing people who don’t go to protests of not being as committed to the cause is reductive and harmful. I am a theater nerd so I can’t help myself and have to quote Hamilton here to sum up my point: “This war is hard enough without infighting.”

Sa’iyda: I had a really strong visceral reaction to this question! This was a conversation that took place in my house very recently. My wife was very adamant about going to a protest and wanting us to go as a family. I’m not the type of person who feels comfortable at protests, and I have been going through some hardcore mental health struggles due to burnout, which made me feel uncomfortable about being in public. And given that we live in LA, I was feeling extra cautious, especially because we have an 11-year-old. I argued that there are multiple ways to show up for our community; I do a lot of volunteer work at our kid’s school, which is in a marginalized neighborhood. Showing up and being there felt like a good contribution for me, and I was willing to donate money to funds or find other ways we could get involved. But my wife was firm about wanting to go to the protest. Ultimately, I decided to go, and we put parameters on our participation. And if I’m being honest, I was miserable the entire time due to my mental state. Actively showing up at a protest isn’t the only way to show up; and your wife’s work as a teacher is incredibly admirable. Fascism is here babe; your wife trying to recharge by the pool is going to change that. We’re only six months into what is going to be a long four years. Maybe you two can find a way to show up together. Writing letters to kids in detention centers is another way to show up, and something my family has been talking about doing. It’s not a matter of who is right or wrong in this situation. You’re on the same side, don’t forget that.

Nico: Honestly, I do think it’s really okay that your wife missed the No Kings protest. Everyone has to figure out their own personal values and negotiate the balance and tension between caring for themselves and caring for others and participating in actions. It sounds like your wife knew what she needed, and it is okay for her to rest and recover and spend time with her family. Now, if you find that yours and your wife’s values and ideas around political action don’t align, that your wife is not engaging in any additional action outside of the parameters of her job, and this is causing conflict in an ongoing way, then that’s a different conversation, one that like Eve suggests, might include you gently talking with your wife about ways she can be more involved. But like Sa’iyda said, you’re ultimately on the same side here.

You mention fascism creeping in, and you also mention working for a big terrible corporation with a salary that allows you to live well. I’m going to assume that you mean you work for something that, while big and corporate, is hopefully not a weapons, intelligence, or defense company or something similarly implicated — because in that case, I would say that attending a protest is probably the least important action you could take if you’re concerned about fighting fascism. With that out of the way because it’s hopefully not relevant, like Eve, Summer, and Valerie have said: protests are not the only way to fight. I think if you’re feeling driven, then there are ways you can tap in more deeply. Are there organizations near you asking for volunteers to help witness or document ICE raids or who need volunteer or financial support in supporting immigrant communities? Are there abortion clinics where you could volunteer as an escort? Putting yourself in situations where you’re on the ground and meeting people, working with others directly, will likely help ground you, and give you something to do with more regularity. This work happens every day, not just when there are scheduled demonstrations. These kinds of things, usually involving much smaller groups than large protests, might be easier for your wife to participate in, too. To the idea of talking with your wife about this, wouldn’t it be good to engage in work like this together? It’s a marathon, not a sprint, and days at the pool are a part of maintaining your sanity while you also, hopefully, find ways to plug in and participate with regularity and for the long run.

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