Actual Editor’s Note: The editor of the following piece would like to note that any usage of the words “editors note” [sic] henceforth is actually a note from the piece’s author, Kristen Arnett, and not the editor, her wife Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya. When the actual editor read this piece, not as its editor but as the author’s wife, she resoundingly announced “no notes” and asked “can I publish this?” The editor is confounded as to why editor’s notes were included in the first place, given that the following was always intended to be merely a Note on the author’s phone and not intended for publication. Who is this elusive, nonexistent editor? We shall never know.

Last August, I was at a monthlong writing residency in Key West, Florida. While there, I did get a lot of writing done, but I also drank approximately 300 beers and watched a parade dedicated entirely to Jimmy Buffett. There were a lot of iguanas. I’m a lifelong Floridian — third generation — and Key West was like something out of beautiful fever dream. Judy Blume runs a bookstore. What I’m trying to say is that it was a magical, incredible time, and I loved every minute of it.

Apparently, I also watched a lot of movies. This list I wrote in the Notes App surfaced on my computer this week and while I don’t remember writing most of it (over 2000 words??? Jesus Christ), it made me feel incredibly nostalgic for my time in the sunniest, hottest place on planet earth. Spelling and grammatical errors will be kept for continuity.

Without further ado, here are my “thoughts” on these particular films.

The Fugitive – watched this because I saw a meme about the DNC and the surprise guest it was referencing was Charles and Provasic (the bad medicine that was the REAL culprit all along); no one showed up as the surprise guest for the DNC, so it seemed like Provasic might have been a real get. I DIDNT KILL MY WIFE!!!! Classic wife guy, Harrison Ford. Sela ward is crazy hot in this movie (originally wrote “seal ward,” almost kept it for the bit), I love a hornt up wife (RIP to this wife though, she straight up dead)

Con Air – I thought about what else Harrison Ford had been in and I’d had enough wine that my brain thought of Con Air for some reason?? I switched this out for John Cusack I guess. They are not the same. My lesbian brain made a fatal drunken error here. Cusack wears socks with sport sandals and Nic Cage is also there with a head of hair just begging for some Pantene Pro-V

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil – I thought I wouldn’t want to watch this but then I was hungover and it turns out I really, really did want to watch this three-hour film (oh god it’s not even that long it just feels like it, it’s only two and a half hours ONLY TWO AND A HALF) in bed after eating a lobster roll and drinking a curative hangover beer? I only finished half of this film; the crazy part is that I know I’ll do this to myself again in the future? I like the music, I like the ambiance, I can’t stop half watching this awful (good? Okay? Some third secret thing??) movie

RUSHMORE – I saw Jason Schwartzman in a late night clip of the week on Vulture and thought: huh, haven’t seen that movie in a minute, why not, guess what it’s still great and probably you forgot some stuff about it so just watch it again. Bill Murray looks young?? God I’m getting old Jesus Christ

The Gift – I thought of Cate Blanchett for some reason (gay) and then I was like hey remember that movie where she was a small town Louisiana psychic? Why don’t you watch that, Kristen? And I did, and it was better than I remembered, honestly, even though her accent goes in and out. Like sometimes I’m like, oh I guess she’s British now for some reason

WHAT LIES BENEATH – tried to start this at midnight after a very drunken potluck where a woman went inside the fridge and took two bottles of wine that I had purchased for personal use; I was too drunk and had to go to sleep after 30 minutes of watching, but then I watched the rest of it at 4pm the next day drinking from a bottle of wine that I took from someone else, c’est la vie, we are what we are, we’re all in this together, one love, godspeed

IDENTITY – I remembered almost none of this movie, all except the ending. Forgot that Amanda Peet was in it and also forgot that she was from Florida? “I’m going back to Frost Proof to buy and manage an orange grove” Well good for you Amanda Peet! How quaint! Also all of them are Tauruses in the man’s brain and that sounds like a nightmare

13 GHOSTS – No clue why I made this connection except that I was like, I really wanna see this movie because it’s a classic favorite of mine. Never forget the Kristen Arnett lore that I spent a bunch of time after I originally saw it trying to find the black zodiac (this is not a real thing) and every time I’m like, hmm I wish I knew more about this naked angry lady ghost! Call me (not really I’m married, I’m so sorry naked ghost lady)

Grosse Pointe Blank – I’m having a real John Cusack moment. This is legitimately a top 5 favorite movie of mine, it’s just fuckin GOOD. Really reminds me of my brother. Literally cried. Laughed out loud a million times. The acting in the EYES. The way they look at each other. Subtle hand movements. Fuckin great. Also this is a superior soundtrack. [editors note; sometimes when I drink beer and watch a movie I’ll think I’m being really smart about “film” and then I read this and I just am talking about people’s eyeballs? Grow up]

MUMFORD – Okay, the former got me into this one, which I used to watch with my brother, too. Star studded cast. Literally so many people in this movie. It is…… not as good as I remember. What did I like about this movie? I cannot for the life of me figure it out. Got a fraction of the way through and kind of stopped, will try to watch the rest of it and will come back to update. UPDATE: I couldn’t do it. I hurt my own feelings with this one.

Unbreakable – I read the word glass in a book that I was loving and that reminded me of the villain in this movie, so I wanted to watch it. My wife is obsessed with M Night. I had forgotten a lot of this movie? Inserting so much “unbreakable” literally means a man who is so out of touch with his emotions?? I was like OH is THIS the plot??? Anyway, pretty fun, but longer than I remembered! That’s gonna be the through line of most of these, I think – “this movie was simply too long”

GET SHORTY – still stuck in mid-nineties bliss, wanted to watch a film I used to watch a lot but haven’t seen for a minute! Then my fellow resident brought this movie up and I was like oh right, a great movie – except I can’t remember anything that happens in it?? Okay, sat down and started watching and I DID remember what happened in this movie, it just gave me so much stress because all of it is like crazy misunderstandings or something?? I’m watching it piecemeal, or like on my phone, how I do with Bravo Reunion episodes or something. Solid movie though. My brain is just dumb and can’t handle certain conflict.

KISS KISS BANG BANG – watched this in fits and starts over the course of two days, which seems right for this movie and also for RDJ, who is simply running all over the place and alive with energy. I chose it because I wanted something detective noir?? It didn’t necessarily hit that spot, but it hit some others, and you know what? Didn’t hate Val Kilmer as a gay man. In fact, kind of loved it? Funniest, smartest dude in the whole movie. Good for him. Incredibly gay

Frailty – Powers Booth had the tiniest cameo VoiceOver in Con Air and of course I immediately recognized his voice and that made me want to watch Frailty, fingers crossed this won’t send me on a Bill Paxton spiral afterward (it did not)

COPYCAT – this was better than I remembered but also longer than I remembered! Holly Hunter, what a star! Too many cops in this movie, hated that part, but I love what a bitch Sigourney Weaver is! Another mid-nineties stacked cast, too, I was excited every time someone came on screen! This is a movie that I’ll probably watch again in another ten years and be like oh right, forgot about all of it again, and that is fine with me, perfect recipe

TAKING LIVES – now we have finally arrived at a movie I have never seen! Did I read the wiki synopsis first? You bet your ass I did! Kiefer Sutherland shows up in this for five seconds?? Wild use of this mans time. I thought some of it was good, but also took one look at Ethan Hawke with that haircut and thought: obviously this man is the murderer, he looks like he used scissors on his own head in the dark. Someone slapped Angelina Jolie, in FRENCH! also fake pregnancy!! And strange use of it, too. I would not watch this again but if it was on TV I would watch some of it before leaving for a bar or going to sleep

MINDHUNTERS – hadn’t seen this one, either, at least I thought I hadn’t until I remembered that (spoiler alert) Jonny Lee Miller was the killer?? So I was like huh I guess I have seen this? Was LL Cool J just in a bunch of horror movies in a row at this point? This one, Deep Blue Sea, and Halloween h20? Val Kilmer is in this too, also funny! Funnier than I ever remembered him being?? Did we know he was a comedic actor

BRAM STOKERS DRACULA – this movie was long, which I did remember, and I know that everyone is like justice for Keanu, he was better than people give him credit for, but actually…. My dude I love you, but this was not your role. Liked him better in the Cate Blanchett movie, honestly – stay in your lane. Winona Ryder outshone you at every turn, you are simply not meant to be doing fancy upper crust accents my prince! Anthony Hopkins making out with Mina, didn’t remember that! Damn there were a lot of titties in this movie, beautiful cinema

Kiss the Girls – Forgot Cary Elwes was in this, just saw him in Dracula! Very different role for our gay friend. Also, as an aside, for years I thought that Cary Elwes was the murderer in Copycat but it turns out it was someone else entirely? Just another blond dude with wire frame glasses. Could you say he was….. copycatted? No you couldn’t, that’s not a real word. The movie is exactly what you think it is! Ashley Judd, you will always be famous!!!!!!

Sleeping with the Enemy – how the hell did I make this connection? Is it because Tony Goldwyn was in the last movie and he reminded me of the horrible abuser husband from this movie?? Who can say! What I will tell you is that this movie in my teens gave me a very real fear of coming home in the middle of the night and seeing that someone straightened my cans. And now? I am the person doing that! The call is coming from inside the house! Okay another thing – I hate this guy that she’s supposed to be attracted to? Like legitimately he is the worst, he keeps showing up at the house like a creep and also bothering her with a lot of weird innuendo? The guy wears a black short sleeved turtleneck and you are Julia Roberts, please don’t give him the time of day!!!!!!

Bound – Listen, if I had to watch those last two try to act like they could be horny after domestic violence then at the very least I could treat myself to something actually horny, which is the cinematic masterpiece called BOUND. Now, I also think it’s important to note Jennifer Tilly will be a friend of on this season of BH wives! Bravo! What can’t she do? Also this movie makes me want to get Corky’s haircut but I know I won’t look like that. It’s a cross I must bear.

High Fidelity – We can’t escape John Cusack, can we? I actually thought about watching this immediately after watch GPB, but was like “no, I should try out some other stuff and not get on a kick” but it turns out too bad, because he is our inevitable man of the hour (monthlong residency). The music from this is so good too?? Oh man some toxic masculinity, but also doesn’t that just feel like a fuckin fuckboi butch goddamn, embarrassing – that guy said some stuff at the end that I think I’ve said to my own wife??????????? Get your life right, Kristen

Garden State – well if we’re going to enjoy a moment of real sad “art” shouldn’t this be on our list? I love embarrassing life moments!!

Secretary – this movie HOLDS UP! This movie fucks for real. But also part of that is Maggie Gyllenhall is great in it and very believable and there is just something super hornt about James Spader. This was also an emotional movie? Man, lots of movies had feelings that I simply forgot about completely.

Yje royal t3n3nbaums – [editors note: wowowowow] yes we all know what I was trying to type here! I think this wound up being a fun two day watch and it actually made me a little emotional! Some of that was the beer, I’ll be honest, but still. I’ve been needlessly yelling about that Vulture list for putting this number one and now I was like, okay they were right about this one, still wrong about all the other ones (lots of good ones marked TOO LOW, it’s embarrassing)

BookSmart – [editors note: started watching this but my wife showed up mid-viewing so I never finished, had seen it before, it’s fun, I’m sure I’ll watch it on a plane again soon]

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