Q:

I just started dating this girl, and I think she’s amazing. She’s gorgeous, she and I have a lot in common intellectually and emotionally, and we have had a couple really great makeout sessions, and I really want to keep dating her! I am really enjoying being around her, and I want to be more physically intimate… but I’m really nervous for when we eventually have sex. I’m cis, and have been out as a lesbian for my entire dating history. Sex with other people has always been a little nerve-wracking and scary the first time, but with her I feel like I am flying completely blind.

I would love some insights from other trans women on what to expect when having sex with a trans woman, because I really want her to have a good time and feel comfortable despite my nerves. What kind of things should I be asking? What things are similar to sex with cis people? What can I do to make her feel sexy, beautiful, and safe?? Help me pleeease

A:

Hey lovely OP. Let’s talk shop about sex with trans women. Your question is completely understandable and I can definitely get you pointed in the right direction.

A question about sex with trans women shows up every day in /r/asktransgender and only slightly less often in /r/mypartnerisrans. I peruse these communities often, and I’ve picked up on some of the common underlying concerns people have when they ask the good ol’ “how do I have sex with a trans partner” question. There’s the common performance anxiety that comes with new partners. Many people have never ‘been with’ a trans person and are simply unsure if there are differences in the sexual experience. Attentive partners are often concerned about setting off a dysphoric feeling or managing their partner’s gender dysphoria as it relates to sex. And so forth.

Like you, the majority of these askers are starting with the right spirit. They care enough about mutual sexual enjoyment in a relationship to seek guidance. I think that’s the most important thing to do, so you’re on the right track already.

When it comes to actual sex acts, I regret to inform you that our interests, disinterests, and needs are as diverse as everyone else’s. Gender dysphoria and medical transition can add more complexity to that recipe, which can spike our partners’ anxiety (I’ve felt both ends of this). Trans people disrupt the sexual scripts and guidelines that people are accustomed to because we’re different in enough respects to make people nervous. I don’t think it’s as concerning as the anxiety makes it out to be, but there are some pretty helpful topics you should bring up in a conversation before you aim for sex. I’ll describe the one that I find particularly important.

1. Talk to her about any gender dysphoria related to her body and sexual role

This won’t always be an easy conversation for your trans partner to discuss. Some of us are extremely forthcoming to our partners about the topics that have simmered in our heads for years. Others find it traumatic or embarrassing. The discomfort of having this talk (if any) is usually way less than commencing sex and setting off a dysphoric memory.

Gender dysphoria is traumatic. I would liken it to the sensation of feeling ‘wrong’ or ‘out of place’ in a way that’s fundamental until it is changed. And the change comes slowly. Dysphoric emotions can be triggered by external stimuli just like any other trauma or emotional vulnerability. Exploring the topic ahead of time gives both of you an idea of your respective bodily dis/comforts. It won’t prevent any and all incidents, because nothing can do that. It will prevent more obvious incidents like initiating genital play with someone who has severe genital dysphoria. Also importantly, it sets people up with the impression that their relationship is supportive.

For this conversation, I recommend speaking to your partner about whether or not gender dysphoria impacts their sex life, and what are particular no-no areas or acts. This is a slightly extended version of the conversation I think everyone should have with a partner about basic boundaries and major sore spots before sex. The only addition I’d recommend is to discuss the topic of sexual roles with her. Ask her if she has any thoughts about a more active or passive role. Is she exploratory and open to any role? Does she really hate specific acts linked to a specific role in the sexual dynamic? Chat about those.

2. Talk to her about sexual interests and areas of exploration

Again, this is part of the conversation we should all have more often with our partners. It’s important to not just fixate on the potential harms that gender dysphoria can present to a sex life. A trans partner probably thinks about that enough. Transition is a journey of growth and exploration and, if your partner is allosexual, she’s bound to be interested in something sexual. This topic covers that, and it should include you as well. As ever, take her answers to heart and use them to guide your thinking about what to do later. Does she consistently mention any erogenous zones or focus areas? Did she mention any sex acts or a new role she wants to try out? Are you interested in using toys to support the pleasure?

I’d recommend this topic to anyone in a similar position to you. The previous topic of discussion with your partner highlights the ‘different’ and ‘other’ involved in cis-trans sexual dynamics. This one highlights the commonalities we all share: We just want to have a good time.

3. Talk to her in a way that cultivates a mutually supportive environment for good sex

You asked what you can do to make her feel sexy, beautiful, and safe. I can only answer for myself, but I find reassurance and mutual support to be utterly irresistible. This one isn’t a single topic you need to approach, but I think it’s something that’ll come up for both of you as you have these conversations. You’re having these talks to establish a relationship of mutual respect and support in pursuit of a shared goal: great sex.

This helps trans people as it does for anyone else. But trans people are especially burdened by being ignored or unsupported. I have every confidence that making your sex life with her a place where you’ll listen and look out for each other’s needs will swiftly set things right. The similarity here is that cis people need and respond to the same care and support. The difference is you may need to pick up a few more vocabulary words or concepts related to gender dysphoria, sexual roles, or medical transition.

The woman behind the keyboard

While there may not be a catch-all guide to having sex with trans women, the same communication and mutual respect that fuels any healthy relationship also applies here. If you are looking for a literal guidebook, the late Mira Bellwether’s Fucking Trans Women is a seminal work on the topic. But I think it’s more valuable for its approach to sex with trans women than any tips and techniques presented. The book advocates for a whole-body approach to sex, regular communication, and exploration. Valuable stuff.

Those are the most helpful guidelines you can have for sex with a trans partner. In terms of boundaries, roles, and preferred acts? We’re as individual as anyone else. I’m used to talking about my sex life, so I’ll give you a sketch of my sexual interests to illustrate the point.

I’m a trans woman with no noticeable genital dysphoria. I actually get quite upset when doctors get close to the goods with cutting implements. I form romantic relationships with women but can form sexual relationships with anyone. When I have sex with men, I exclusively take a ‘bottom’ or ‘passive’ role, usually with a dose of power dynamic. I’m a cuddly, affectionate lover with anyone else. This difference is partly inspired by trauma. My medical transition has enhanced my experience of sexual pleasure but nuked my ability to have orgasms. I haven’t had an orgasm during partnered sex in over five years, and it doesn’t bug me. I don’t prioritise my orgasm during partnered sex, because it stresses everyone out. I dislike the sensation of condoms but use them out of necessity. I’m kinky as hell, but almost exclusively a submissive. Oh, and despite Mira’s book popularizing the act of muffing, I don’t enjoy it at all. I find it really uncomfortable, if not painful.

There’s so much more. That’s just the stuff at the top of my mind. My web of sexual interests and interactions is as complicated as anyone else’s. It’s informed by gender roles and social dynamics. It’s influenced by joy and trauma in equal measure. The fact that I’m trans is relevant to every part of it, but it’s also background noise. Some of my sexual needs and preferences are purely pragmatic.

Sex with a trans woman is a topic with interminable depth. The key similarities to sex with anyone else is the need to respect boundaries and cultivate healthy communication. We appreciate feeling secure and assured, and a good partner will want the same for you in return. Sex is different when the complexities of a body going through medical transition get involved, or if we have severe gender dysphoria. The differences and challenges that do appear should always be considered manageable. We just need to show up for each other.

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

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