Faking It Episode 214 Recap: So Liberal With Her Scissors and Other Things

Welcome to the fourteenth episode of the second season of Faking It, an informational documentary about the dangers of putting Magic Shell in the refrigerator, from the same network that brought you I Want a Famous Face.

We open in the dapper sunlight of an early morn, where Karma and Amy have fallen asleep spooning after Amy’s tragic breakup with Reagan.

Karma, unnecessarily horrified — as in, she fully considers for a good solid second that maybe they had wild lesbian sex all night, which I s’pose means she considers such a thing possible, which means something, maybe — leaps out of bed in full hair and makeup and quickly re-dresses herself in an outfit far too ambitious for this time of day. They’ve got a couples date with Liam, Shane and Duke! Amy slowly rouses herself and makes a solid case for staying in bed (because bed, y’all) but Karma informs Amy that she can’t just wallow forever! It’s been nearly 45 seconds! Get over it!

Meanwhile, Theo’s softening Lauren’s icy heart like a stick of butter! They’re in love like butterflies kissing on a leaf. Lauren says that she misses kissing him in public, but they can’t because Theo would lose his job and Lauren would lose her presidency. I know this ’cause Lauren tells Theo, “If anybody found out, you’d lose your job and I’d lose my presidency.” As you know, of course. Also, as you know, Theo’s name isn’t “Theo,” but Lauren likes it so she’s sticking to it.

Theo’s left a little note for Lauren on the back porch, so Lauren zooms down to snatch it only to find that Amy the Wild Snatcher’s already got her fingering fingers all over it — and it says “I’m counting the hours until I see you again.” Fortunately or unfortunately, the conclusion Amy subsequently jumps to is not that Lauren’s sneaking around with Theo — it’s that her mother is having an affair!

Saturdays at Sporkle are swinging soirees, and today is no exception: the interns are stapling away like two swans in a pond!

Then Liam’s Dad shows up and Zita steps out just in time for Liam’s Dad to inform Liam that he thinks Zita would make a good life partner for his strapping young son and that Karma’s probably just after his money.

Liam: Karma is awesome!
Mr. Booker: They all seem awesome until they come after your money. That’s what I like about Zita! She’s got piles of her own.

I’ve added “talk to Zita about investing in Autostraddle” to my to-do list.

Back at Chez Fawcett, Amy’s Mom is foisting a large platter of processed carbohydrates upon her sweet angels while whistling a happy tune to herself. I know what you’re thinking: she’s finally had sex with a woman! NOPE.

Amy: Is that a new haircut, mother?
Farrah: Why is it too short? Oh, that darn Becky at the salon, so liberal with her scissors… and other things!

Amy doesn’t even catch that Farrah’s hairdresser Becky is a carpet-muncher ’cause she’s far too preoccupied with who might be munching Farrah’s carpet. She tells Lauren that Farrah cheats on every husband with the next one and honestly, Bruce is the best one she’s got so far — and, also, it turns out that “this whole step-sister thing wasn’t so terrible either.” “Same,” Lauren agrees. Aw. See! Friendship is magic!

We then take a merry walk through television time/space and arrive at Kurt and Blaine’s favorite hangout: the local neighborhood coffee shop. Shane and Duke are enjoying some generous public displays of affection ’cause they never get to see each other now that Duke’s so busy with appearances.

Karma’s enthusiasm for Liam’s arrival is immediately dampened when he shows up with Zita in tow. Unfortch, Duke’s publicist couldn’t snag Shane a spot on the jet plane to see Duke’s first big fight, but never fear, Zita and Her Piles Of Money are here! She insists on flying the whole gang to Los Angeles on her private jet.

We then skip merrily back to Chez Fawcett, where Amy’s intense archeological dig of the laundry hamper for clues about Farrah’s affair have turned up one very important clue: a motel key card!

We then fly luxuriously over to Los Angeles, California, home of sun, stars, relaxing beaches, a lot of mid-day traffic and most of my friends. Shane’s gushing about the gay masseuse Zita’s got on her Private Jet as they pull up to the venue just in time for Duke’s “weigh-in.” But Zita’s got different plans for her afternoon with Karma.

Zita wants to go shopping on Rodeo to buy new duds for the big fight tonight, her treat. When prodded, Karma insists to Liam that all these diamond rings and fancy things don’t make her feel weird at all! Not even one tiny bit! Nope! Absolutely not.

Liam: Are you okay with all of this? You know… with things back home right now I wouldn’t blame you if you felt uncomfortable.
Karma: The only thing uncomfortable for me was all the turbulence over Arizona. You’re sweet to worry but I’m having a blast!

Fun fact: “all the turbulence over Arizona” is my pet name for Laneia. So, Liam dashes, and Karma and Zita are free to hit the shops like the great gal pals they are.

Back in Texas, Amy and Lauren are fighting over whose parent is doing the cheating — Lauren insists it’s her Dad, and Amy insists it’s her Mom. Everybody wants to have the cheater on their family tree!

Why isn’t Farrah wearing her wedding ring? Is that a new shirt, BRUCE? Oh yeah, it was a gift from Farrah. Why the GIFTS, Farrah? What is this, CHRISTMAS? Is that why everybody is always wearing scarves and sweaters? Does somebody feel GUILTY about DOING SOMETHING NAUGHTY? What’s with all the SUGAR AND SPICE? WHAT’S THE DEAL, Y’ALL?

Well, Farrah knows the deal: Amy’s just lost and delirious ’cause she’s still heartbroken about Reagan!

Farrah: I know what this is about. You’re still hurtin’ from your breakup. And I bet right now you hope that you will never fall in love again. But your soulmate is out there and you’ll find him someday. Or her. Them. Whatever.

Look at Farrah with her gender-neutral pronouns!

We then swim in our teeny tiny bikinis over to resplendent Los Angeles, California, where Duke’s shocked and thrilled to see his boyfriend has made the arduous journey through land and fog to watch him punch another man in the faceplate!

Joanna The Publicist is thrilled ’cause Mr. Peanut is here and Mr. Peanut’s product launch was the best product launch of all time! What a catch, that Liam Booker! She already pre-ordered her monocle!

Joanna says Shane can duck out if seeing Duke compare his biceps to another man’s biceps makes him uncomfortable, but nope, insists Shane, ’cause “I know who Duke’s going to prom with, and it ain’t that guy.” Joanna is alarmed to learn her client is shagging a high school student and obviously hasn’t seen the Brian/Justin prom scene from Queer as Folk.

Meanwhile on Rodeo Drive, where all the hip cool girls go to shop for fancy belts and broaches to wear to all the killer parties where all the best dudes will be, Karma’s trying not to feel weird about accepting the Gift of Fashion from her new bestie, Intern Zita.

Here in the sanguine safety of the mirrored dressing room, Zita quickly reveals that she knows more about Liam than Karma does and more about Karma than Karma thought she did — like that Karma’s family is having financial troubles and that Liam thought Xander from Buffy was his father! Karma’s obviously ruffled to hear that Liam’s been confiding in Zita during their many hours at the office instead of in her when they’re role-playing in the red room of pain.

Back in the great state of Texas, dinner’s over and now Bruce is heading out to the office ’cause it’s easier to get shit done when nobody’s around! Suspicious, right? But before the girls can finish their plan to follow him wherever he may be going, Farrah foils everything by saying she’s also heading out for the night, on account of a wind sheer emergency at the station. Amy’s not sure that “wind sheer” exists.

Unsure of who to follow, they obviously conclude that only one option remains: a stakeout at the No-Tell Motel.

Back at the big fightaroo in Los Angeles, Shane’s super nervous for his main man. Then Zita and Karma show up, and boy does Karma look fantastic in her new outfit!

No, just kidding. The truth is that Karma’s gotten one of those makeovers that happen in movies were they take a pretty girl with wavy hair and flowy outfits and put her in a tight dress and slick back her hair and throw more makeup on her face and declare that she somehow looks notably more beautiful than she did before even though she doesn’t. She was pretty then, she’s pretty now, just with more gel in her hair! I’M NOT FALLING FOR YOUR TRICKS, TEEVEE.

Before Liam can finish stumbling all over himself (but, unfortunately, after he had the opportunity to say the word “wowza!”), Joanna swoops in, simply delighted by the sight of two very rich people standing next to each other. Before anybody can righteously object, she shuffles Liam and Zita onto the red carpet. Liam’s stumbling and wondering where Karma is but Zita’s eating it up.

Joanna tells Karma to step to the side, so Karma stomps off to go wait wherever she damn well pleases, just as Shane returns from a stress lap. This is convenient, ’cause Joanna needs a word with him.

Joanna: You said you’re proud of our Duke’s rising star, right? So you wouldn’t want to spoil that, would you?
Shane: You really like to talk around a thing before you say it, huh?
Joanna: Look — I tell most of my clients not to have a relationship in the open, and if they do, it should be with somebody impressive, like, one of my other clients — no offense.
Shane: Uh, yes, offense? Very much offense. I’m not impressive enough?
Joanna: You’re in high school. It’s bad optics. It makes Duke seem less desirable. You understand?

Shane very much does NOT understand — and he says Duke won’t either. Joanna says Duke’s already on board, which’s obviously a lie, but it turns out that everybody on this show is just as bad at telling lies as they are at identifying them.

Back at the No-Tell Motel, Lauren is bored and Amy says love is a lie and we’re all going to die alone and they are specifically doomed due to the poor role models for relationships they’ve been provided by their philandering parental units. Lauren, filled to the brim with Theo’s sweet lovin’, says there’s still hope. You gotta give ’em hope.

Just as it seems all hope of finding lust in a hopeless place is gone, Farrah pulls into the motel in her Carmen Sandiego trenchcoat! “THAT BITCH,” says Lauren.

Back in the cool Los Angeles evening, Karma has made the financially unwise decision of returning her dress to Zita ’cause it suddenly doesn’t fit. WEIRDO SELL THAT SHIT ON THE BAY AND GET YOUR FAMILY THEIR HOME BACK! It’s not just the dress though, it’s all of it — oh and, Karma wants to leave on a jet plane, STAT.

Karma gets passive-aggressive about Liam doing the red carpet with Zita and then admits she’s pissed that she had to find out from Zita about Xander from Buffy and didn’t he know that Karma is a huge Buffy fan? I mean, sure, she obviously was more of a Spike/Buffy shipper but still.

Liam: “Look I don’t know what I can and can’t do with you. How am I supposed to know what the rules are if I don’t even know what we are. I mean, do you? I mean, we’re more than friends with benefits but we’re not quite back together and oh yeah, also, you’ve been tying me up. So you tell me Karma, what’s the answer?”
Karma: “I havent’ had any answers since you slept with my best friend.”
Liam: “THERE IT IS! Your trumpc ard! how many times do i have to tell you that I’m sorry, that I wanna be with you. Will that ever be enough?”
Karma: “I don’t know.”

So Karma walks away, leaving Liam dazed and confused. But really: as much as I hate to admit it, Liam’s not wrong here. She insisted that Liam not make their relationship official or meaningful, so she can’t complain that he didn’t feel comfortable confiding in her. Sure, we never would’ve gotten this far if Liam wasn’t a douchebag who wanted to bang a lesbian for a notch on his belt, but that’s not even what Karma’s upset about.

Next up in tonight’s Selfish Sagas, Shane marches up to a pre-gaming Duke to yell at him about Joanna saying they’ve gotta keep their relationship on the down-low.

Look, I don’t care if Shane just found out that Duke got really depressed and wasted at a wedding and had sex with Liam — don’t fuck with anybody when they’re about to battle to the death in a vat of pudding or whatever “Mixed Martial Arts” is.

Duke: Stop —
Shane: No, YOU stop. Stop letting the publicist, the paparazzi and the pay-per-view go to your head! G-d, if I’d known it was gonna be like this, I never would’ve outed you.

Duke stops moving, maybe even stops thinking, and his eyes flash with anger like a tiger, and then he gets right up in Shane’s face, and goes:

Duke: Just so you know, when Joanna asked me to keep you a secret, I said no.

He’s called to the ring, leaving Shane alone to think about how it feels to be a giant asshole.

Back in Austindale, Karma gets out of her towncar just as a limousine pulls up right outside her home.

Mr. Booker invites Karma to get into his car. So many limousines for Karma to ride in, so little time!

Back at No-Tell Motel, Lauren’s unleashing some righteous babe anger onto the door of the room where Farrah’s been hanging out with some mystery meat. How dare Farrah yank Lauren out of her blissful existence and smash her into Yarn Arts just to go cheat on Bruce!

Lauren raves about the DEVIL SEED in her PIT OF SIN and how Farrah better OPEN THIS DOOR before Lauren DRIVES HER CAR RIGHT THROUGH IT! Bless her, everyone, bless her. At last, the door opens, and it’s not at all who Amy was expecting:

No just kidding it’s Amy’s Dad!

Back at The Fight Of Duke’s Life, Liam’s sulking outside when Zita arrives to offer a shoulder to cry on / erotically nibble.

Zita: Did you two break up?
Liam: I don’t know if there was anything to break up.
Zita: Well, what do you want?
Liam: Honestly, I don’t know.
Zita: Well, I know what I want.

Does Zita want a squash-beet casserole? Does Zita want a Petco coupon? Does Zita want to take an Uber to Big Lots? Does Zita want a cruise for two to the Bahamas? Does Zita want to answer a few questions on this survey about LGBTQ health? Does Zita want to be an Autostraddle Intern? Does Zita want sailing lessons? Nope. Zita wants…

Welp.

Obviously I’ve now seen next week’s episode and can report that it actually manages to provide a lot of genuine character development, so you can look forward to that, GUMSHOES. I can’t find a preview this early but let me know if you found one! Are y’all still watching? I still have hope for this show, honestly, I really do. Do you ever mean to open a new window and instead select “About Safari”? Have you seen Grandma? It was so good! I think Heather is gonna write a thing about it. Anyhow, goodnight!