I have to admit that sometime I feel like a fake.
I haven’t come out to my family, though there have been some limited and awkward conversations with a few relatives. Mostly filled with ambiguity and half truths.
I have known since childhood that I wasn’t straight. But I never told anyone. Three girls in my year group came out within a week of each other in high school and while I had been thinking about it, I didn’t want to seem like I was “just following the trend”. I couldn’t even tell my closest high school friend that I was gay. Even though I had a major crush on her mum’s wife.
While I have had sex with women, I have only ever been in relationships with men. I never knew HOW to be gay, or how to pick up women. Men wanted me so that’s just what I went with.
It was never fulfilling. I was never truly happy. I allowed myself to become a sexual plaything, to be sexually abused, because, what else was there for me?
I used to look at my ex and think “wow, you would make a really cute woman; if only you were a woman!” It didn’t last very long and now I’m a single mother of two.
I am not a “gold star lesbian”. I don’t like dogs. I couldn’t care about plaid shirts. I hate cigarettes. I don’t know about iconic lesbian music. There are no lesbian bars/clubs where I live. I don’t even like beer. I like to wear pretty things, dresses, skirts and flowers; colourful things.
I feel like I am a fake because I do not fit the stereotype. I think that no gay woman will want me because of my past and because I have children. I am shy and not confident with my flirting skills.
I still have not fully accepted who I am. This major thing about me that I have known for most of my life. I love Autostraddle; it has shown me that I don’t have to fit the stereotypes. That I should believe in myself and strive to be the truest me that I can. That it’s ok to love myself. And I thankyou for that.
I have been a longtime reader of Autostraddle content but have finally decided to make an account. I want to be involved with the community. I want to learn and grow and belong. I’m finally at a point in my life where I feel brave enough to really start exploring and showing all sides of who I am. It’s going slowly, but it’s going, and this is just one more little step forward that I can make.
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