feature image by Allie Holloway for O Magazine
Good morning please don’t talk to me about that car commercial I do not want to talk about it!
Vice being super contrarian out here, but not contrarian enough to not write about it. I’M JUST SAYING.
Queer as in F*ck You
Robyn Crawford Opens up to Lena Waithe About Her Relationship With Whitney Houston
Megan Rapinoe Won a Woman of the Year Award. She Thanked Colin Kaepernick.
What Happens to Queer People Who Don’t Have a Chosen Family?
‘I Was Out of There’: Ali Krieger and Ashlyn Harris Open Up About Playing for Homophobic NWSL Owner
Bethlehem Dunkin’ Stood by Customers Who Bullied Transgender Worker, Suit Says
The 23 Best LGBTQ Books of 2019 according to O magazine. Also, please note that it took me about 12 minutes to figure out that this is a slideshow and not an article, so just click the arrow on the graphic, which is like, nearly impossible to see. Ok cool good talk. Good talk/bad design. Ok cool.
Leonardo DiCaprio’s Movies, Ranked Worst to Best. This is an offshoot of 90s queer culture so don’t worry about it bye.
9 Photographers Flipping the Script on Trans and Non-Binary Representation
How Florida legally terrorized gay students:
Support Butch Pal for the Straight Gal why don’t you!!!
Saw This, Thought of You
Celebrating Native American Heritage Month: Dos and Don’ts
The Line of Fire: “Gun violence, high school football and what coaches are doing to keep their players safe.”
Millennials Have Been Supporting Their Boomer Parents On The DL, Census Data Shows
Modes of Transportation in the Wizard of Oz, Ranked
Political Snacks
Meet Some of the 60,000 LGBTQ Immigrants Impacted by DACA Hearing
The Sexism Is Getting Sneakier
Any Democratic Frontrunner Could Beat Trump if All Unregistered LGBTQ People Voted in 2020
And Finally
This Tom Hanks Story Will Help You Feel Less Bad
I was so surprised about the homophobic owner of the Washington Spirit! I’m disappointed in myself as a soccer fanatic to have not paid close enough attention. It also sucks that Harris and Krieger had to deal with that bs.
Thank you for the chosen family article.
Agreed! I really appreciated the different experiences shared.
So many of us don’t have chosen families, or access to a sense of community. It makes me want to take especial care of how I respond to others in spaces like this. Because not everyone feels welcomed or supported, or has experience in queer spaces.
Shoutout to my AS group who have been my queer/ gay fam, and have made a world of difference these last 2 years.
And to all who are feeling lonely or disconnected – hey, I see you, you belong here <3
Seconded on all points 💚
love you snaelle!
Right now I’m one of those with no chosen family. I have a biological family who are very homophobic and conservative, like many others, so we know how that goes… I have one friend, an old co-worker actually, but he doesn’t know I’m gay and he lives like 6 hours from me. I have two online friends but I wouldn’t call them my family. While it’s nice to think it’s possible for a person to find a chosen family (and I’m keeping everything open that one day it happens for me) I also know it’s not always possible unfortunately. Anyway thanks again for the article.
The thing with chosen family is, that it usually finds you and never in the way you expect. Also, it can be different people at different times in your life!
Don’t necessarily discredit online friendships or connections! I live in the epicenter of gaytown in queeurope, and yet, a lot of the friends that are dearest to my heart have, incidentally, come from online fandom all over the world.
Well, and some are weirdos from this lesbionic newssite. Olderstraddle, or whatever it’s called..🤷♀️
My advice, if you’re feeling lonely, would be this: Follow your heart and where it leads, you will find your people there.
Seconding this too! Almost 100% of my queer chosen family came into my life via the internet.
same!!
This is all such excellent advice, amidola. The strongest connections can start small – and there are so many people longing to find meaningful ones too.
Wishing you luck and enjoyment as you reach out, Ashley – and just think – there are people for whom you’re family-in-waiting 😊, who are going to love growing to know you.
This Place is like, such a blast. It’s my favourite clubhouse. I have such affection for everyone here. No I’m not crying.
Would you like some not kleenex?
WELL I GENUINELY CARE ABOUT ALL OF YOU AND IF YOU WERE IN THE PHOENIX AREA I WOULD BRING YOU SOUP WHEN NEEDED
Laneia I’d bring you soup right back and shut the door in the face of anyone who tried to talk about that commercial 💚
And I would make whatever your favorite dessert is, whether it’s cake, or apple crisp, or cheese or wine or #whynotall and there will be plenty to share with anyone who could use some good queer family and love and cheer 💜
(I highly recommend the chocolate mousse)
Interesting fodder for thought! I strongly and wholeheartedly agree: chosen family, after all is said and done, is the difference between being alive and merely surviving. My scholarly pursuits, moreover, have shown me that the nuclear family, considered by some to be ‘natural’ or ‘biological’ is anything but, and that both non- European and older European cultures would ‘make’ family ties which would be fully valid in every respect. Hence, for example, my (chosen) sister is my sister.
A queer chosen family, however, is something that over-stretches the power of my imagination. Here in the Capitol of Transmisogyny (which I suspect may be the place amidola mentions) I have learned to be significantly more wary of self-identified queer people than of people in society- in- general, and if somebody displays signs or tokens of affiliation with the local scenes I am instantly in Red Alert mode – which, I hasten to add, I instantly cancel when I realize I am talking to a woman who comes from Somewhere Else. I had the most heart- warming encounters with self-identified queer women from the UK, the US of A, Canada and some other places, and this is also why I come here regularly – Autostraddle, in my mental landscape, is ‘Over the Ocean’, where ‘queer’ might – weird thought! – even include me instead of invalidating and vilifying me. An online magazine is clearly not ‘family’ in any sense, but a place where I can leave armour, shield and weapons at the door, stretch my shoulders, relax – and that means a lot!
This is beautiful.
Thank you kindly. If it is, then this is due to inspiration which I find here.
Agreed, you express things beautifully. I can relate to some of what you say – my wife and I live in small-town Canada, where queer community is sparse to begin with, and there are certain subgroups within it where I’ve overheard ignorant comments that let me know they would not be safe spaces for her. So it isn’t perfect here either, by any means, but the good news is that more and more people are speaking up against that kind of nonsense. I’m glad that this space exists, and that you can let down your guard here!
I distinctly remember when I realized this, namely during the conversation I had with you, Snow and Snaelle about those toxic play parties here. Which bother me a lot less now – I will, of course, still not go there, but I believe you are right: things may eventually change even here, and, more important: any toxicity loses its sting if you do not face it alone. And I do no longer face it alone.
Thank you, @undercitywitch. We’re so glad to have you here. ❤️❤️
And I thank you for the very kind reception.
Undercity witches more than welcome here ~ and if you ever want to share more of what you’ve discovered about chosen families, I’d love to hear!
Here’s a comfy spot on the couch, the fire’s crackling, what’s your favorite warm drink?
Black tea with cream, no sugar – if I am not working, that is, in which case it is extremely strong black coffee.
Apart from historical observations regarding chosen families, which I could probably write a book about, and maybe now I will one day – what strikes me most is that they are a way of avoiding the typical pitfalls of most monogamous relationships. With your (chosen) siblings, by means of reflection and in conversations with them, you can explore the manifold facets and aspects of something our languages now have only one poor, trampled-upon, overburdened little word for – ‘love’ in English. It is also to our advantage, I think, that literature, movies, TV and the music recording industry have neglected to spoil and derange love and relationships between chosen siblings, and, thus, we do not have to disentangle ourselves from their narratives, which all too easily become the narratives we live in other forms of relationships.
Furthermore, the Ancients, when they ‘made’ family ties, they were very much aware that they were living in a harsh and dangerous world, and that the combined strength and resilience and wisdom of the family – in this sense – was a good way of coping with this.
Really – if you don’t want me to talk so much you should not make such good tea.
One more thing: sharing in the struggles and victories of your sibling and sharing her thoughts and emotions may change the way you see the world, the way you act and decide, and, I believe, always for the better.
Truly, delicious!
Loving this so much! This is going to stay with me today – this idea of family ties that are like climbing ropes to uplift instead of constrict.
And I hadn’t thought of the freedom of chosen sibling love being unburdened by popular culture, although the idea of naming anything being both a blessing and a curse is one that has played around in my brain cavities for many years.
See, this is exactly why I make excellent tea!