Q:
I’ve been out of the sex/dating game for a few years and I can’t tell if I’m making excuses to not put myself out there or if I’m actually just chilling.
I get my fix through escapism, reading romances and watching queer shows from all over the world (have you seen some of these Thai GL shows?!), and interacting with people online about them. I do identify with some ace/aro perspectives, particularly throughout these past few years, but I also know I am (was? def was at some point) a sexual being who would like to explore and find a romantic partner(s) eventually. Even so, I’m not fiending. If anything, I’m curious but maybe not enough to actively seek anyone out for casual hookups or dating.
Almost every media I consume has something to do with romance or sex, it’s like I’m sexually active in theory but not in practice. I need that ‘spiritual playboy’ shirt that Josie wears in ‘Bottoms’. Anyway, is my media escapism becoming a crutch for actual intimate connection? Or am I just feeling pressured to pair up and/or be IRL involved in the sexual scene?
A:
Hey, pal! I think it sounds like you are indeed just chilling!
There’s nothing wrong with being out of the sex/dating game, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling okay about it either. I can’t get a full assessment of your general state of mind or attitude from just one short anonymous advice letter, but I sense an overall chillness in your words and no real anxiety. The ace/aro spectrum is indeed a spectrum, and it’s also possible to identify with different parts of that spectrum at different times. Libido and interest in romance can fluctuate. But if you find yourself having a fulfilling life outside of the realm of sex/romance, keep doing you! No need to throw yourself into something you don’t actually need or want!
I think there’s an interesting thing happening here where you’re worried that you’re over-relying on sexual/romantic media as a way to avoid seeking sex/romance in real life, but I think what could actually be happening is that the consumption of that media is exactly what’s pressuring you to feel like you have to be seeking those things out in real life. Most mainstream media makes sex and romance seem like the norm, the driving factor behind so many characters motivations and storylines. But in real life, loads of people are primarily motivated by other kinds of relationships, lifestyles, and goals. The media you’re consuming makes it seem like the only way to be normal is to pursue those things, but it isn’t true! And just because you like seeing those things unfold for fictional characters doesn’t mean you have to also want it for yourself. To put it in overly simplistic terms, I have been watching a tremendous amount of shark movies lately. I do not actually want to be in close proximity to a shark, but I sure do enjoy watching fictional characters be in close proximity to sharks!
What if we injected your media diet with a little more aro/ace representation or at least shows that value platonic and non-romantic relationships? With the caveat, again, that there’s nothing wrong with you watching the sexual/romantic stuff even when you don’t feel a pull toward that stuff in your actual life. But maybe seeing a little more media that centers the life you are living would help you feel less weird or uncertain about it all. Ela Przybylo wrote a great piece on the subtle aro/ace gaze of Heartstopper, and Casey has book recs for asexual queer representation. And if you want more of that, there’s an entire database for searching for aro/ace books.
Anyway, I don’t think you’re avoiding intimacy through media. I think intimacy just might look different to you than it does in that media.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
omg is this person me? Thai GLs for the mother f*cking win