Pretty Little Liars Recap 324: A Dangerous and Ultimately Confusing Game

Welcome to the third season finale of Pretty Little Liars! Did we ever think we’d come so far? I didn’t, and with good reason! Look at this sample of classic abcFamily TV shows canceled before a third season!

10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU WAS REALLY THE ONLY LOSS HERE.

10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU WAS REALLY THE ONLY LOSS HERE.

But not these Liars! They’re going the distance with a complete third season and more to come. What’s the secret? Well if I had to guess I’d say “lesbians.” Either way, abcFamily celebrated this victory by creating a scene by scene replication of the pilot episode! We’ll explore that later, but first let’s jump right into the thick of it!


We open on Hanna, Emily and Aria sitting in the Hastings’ kitchen waiting for SpAncer to grace them with her royal, uptight, crazy-face presence. Hanna, having just purchased a necklace of paint swatches, muses that maybe, just maybe, the body found last episode isn’t TobAy. We, of course, already know it isn’t TobAy’s body because we saw the tattoo rub off last episode. Plus, the only people who die on Pretty Little Liars are those about to revele deep secretes to the Liars.

to mucho masterbation

DEARLY BELOVED WE ARE GATHERED HERE TO SAY OUR GOODBYES. HERE SHE LIES, NO ONE KNEW HER WORTH, THE LATE GREAT DAUGHTER OF MOTHER EARTH. ON THIS NIGHT, AS WE CELEBRATE THE BIRTH. IN THAT LITTLE TOWN OF BETHLEHEM, WE RAISE OUR GLASS, YOU BET YOUR ASS TO LA VIE BOHEME.

Emily is taking TobAy’s loss particularly hard, as he was modeling for a full sized diorama installation depicting the earliest human settlers that she was creating for the Academy of Natural Sciences of Drexel University. This was going to be Emily’s big ticket into college! Oh well, back to swimming and scissoring her way through life.

less confusion more scissoring

…THIS SHOW WENT OFF THE DEEP END AND COMPLETELY STOPPED MAKING SENSE

SpAncer takes that moment to walk down the stairs all cryptic-like, doing her best impersonation of the big reveal from She’s All That. Plus we get our first dose of the pilot episode coming back to haunt us!

more lezzies

HOPE IS ACTUALLY JUST A NEW CHARACTER BEING INTRODUCED AS A LOVE INTEREST FOR EMILY IN THE NEXT SEASON

The she answers some really important questions that have been plaguing us all season!

just eat it

OR A BISCUIT FOR THAT MATTER?

like during sex

AND A BISCUIT, WELL THAT’S SOMETHING YOU EAT IN AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT WAY

SpAncer gives a longwinded monologue about not wanting to be a victim and Radley and not being strong and seeing TobAy and all this other stuff. Blah blah blah sad sad sad TobAy TobAy TobAy.

this is the truth

I’M ACTUALLY JUST THE LIVING PERSONIFICATION OF LIZZ’S FANTASY GIRL.

The end-game is that SpAncer’s parents invited everyone to a good old fashion Look We Swear Our Kid Isn’t Crazy Party! I know something’s up with this party though, because the soundtrack is playing the scary music, and I’m always up for letting the TV soundtrack tell me how to feel.

during the second run of the episode

NO SCISSORING THOUGH. SCISSORING STARTS AT 10PM

Starsweep to the A-Mobile where A reminds us once again the only thing you need for hacking is a black hoodie and some study leather gloves.

also the metal music

THE PURPOSE OF THIS BABYDOLL WITH A SHAVEN HEAD, HOWEVER, IS LOST ON ME

A grabs a phone number off of a laptop, 251-469-3561 and sends it to her iPhone just as MonA walks in.

nothing says winam like green on black

JUST BECAUSE YOU CHANGE YOUR COMPUTER’S DISPLAY DOES NOT MAKE IT 2004

MonA has graduated from black hoodie to chic black tee shirt and is using her classic “Scary A Voice.” Is it wrong that I miss Season One Trying Too Hard Mona? I loved her. MonA sits looks at SpAncer’s party invite and tells the other A that she’s likes her plan.

like garfield

I’M GLAD MONA HAS FINALLY FOUND A WAY TO TELL US HOW SHE FEELS ABOUT FRIDAYS

yay!

A FOURTH SEASON


The next day at school, the Liars discover that Ezra has posted up a wanted ad for a babysitter. He and Aria are technically still together and while dating a student was kind of hot, dating the babysitter is just too cliché.

i mean claudia has her own phone line and everything

COULD HAVE JUST CALLED THE BABYSITTERS CLUB

The Liars canvass about who the hell picked Malcolm up from school, even though we know it was SpAncer. It was approximately exactly like when your friend in the closet has a conversation with a straight girl about boys and you just stand there wide eyed and uncomfortable. Hanna really wants to hit Malcolm up for details, and needs an extra $10/hr, so Hanna grabs the sheet. She’ll just have Malcolm draw her a picture of who picked him up.

emily is into all the kinky shit

BECAUSE IF SO I’LL NEED THAT PICTURE OF HER FOR MY PRIVATE COLLECTION

Just then, out of the blue, Shana shows up at Rosewood to practice with her swim team or maybe to suck Emily’s face. Who knows! Looks like Shana is swimming versus Emily in a swim meet later in the week.

nkkd

OH ARE WE STILL ON FOR SKINNY DIPPING LATER?

cheater i wish

I TOLD YOU NOT TO BRING THIS UP IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS

I didn’t even know Shana was in high school! Rosewood truly does have an abundance of hot high school lesbians. And they all like it slippery and wet!

its lips

WHAT? THEY DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOUR CUTE BUTT TATTOO?

Emily: Hey! What are you doing here?
Shana: Our coach arranged for us to practice here this morning. But I say if it’s water it’s wet right?

Shana and Spencer have a bizarre and potentially flirtatious interaction that is never explained and probably never will be except for in the elaborate slash fic I’m writing entitled Hastily Seeking Hastings.

betrAyal

WE SAID WE WERE GOING TO GET THOSE TATTOOS TOGETHER!

As for Hanna, well she isn’t too keen on Shana due to her massive Straight Girl Problems. Why does she hate Shana?

straight girl problems

THIS IS THE REALEST THING TO EVER GRACE THE TELEVISION SCREEN

Even Emily is unimpressed to see Shana, which is sort of weird since she just introduced Emily to Missy Franklin like two episodes ago. Plus they were texting flirty style last episode. I think maybe this is one of those things where Shana is the dyke that you and your friends all know starts drama and you all pretend to be uninterested except secretly you all seriously want on.

she really should get her a longer leash

“TROUBLE” IS THE NAME OF SHANA’S SUB

Aria runs into Ezra in the halls where he’s just finished having a job interview or something. The two do an awkward hallway walk which is highly reminiscent of Season One. In a bad way. Fortunately we don’t have to worry about this happening anymore, because Fitz tells Aria that he probably won’t get the job anyways.

story of my life

THAT AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY SO YOU BOTH PRETEND WHATEVER YOU’RE READING JUST GOT SUPER INTERESTING

Elsewhere, at She and TobAy’s house, Jenna talks on the phone while a mysterious A figure stalks outside. We haven’t seen Jenna in a while have we. I kind of forgot she existed.

painfully true

CAN I SCHEDULE A CUT AND COLOR FOR TOMORROW? I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY EVERY GIRL IS ROSEWOOD HAS TO HAVE THE SAME WEIRD CENTER PART.

Jenna You said you were going to make it all go away. I’m worried! Now the police have evidence! Look, I need to see you today.

Outside Jenna’s, A texts the number they downloaded. Just as A sends the text, Jenna receives one and says she’s gotta go. I think the biggest plot hole in Pretty Little Liars is A’s ability to text with leather gloves on. That’s just not science. I understand there is plenty to complain about with my very favorite show, and I let a lot slide. But this?! This is impossible.

biggest plothole

IT’S NOT EVEN LIKE THEY’RE THE SPECIAL KIND OF GLOVES WITH THE MESH FINGERTIPS THAT WORK FOR TEXTING!!

Starsweep across the neighborhood, where Aria, sportting some hot new after-sex hair, is doing her homework. Papa Crazy shows up to do his daily freak-out enraged that Ezra is going to take a job at the high school.

shit queer girls say

ARE MY NAILS SHORT ENOUGH FOR MY LIFESTYLE?

Aria’s all, “No no no [eye-roll] he didn’t get the job. Duhhhh.” Except, according to Byron, actually he did and he’s taking the day to think about it.

its a statement piece

ARIA, CAN YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN WHY YOU NEEDED TO TAKE APART MY NEW BLENDER TO MAKE MORE ACCESSORIES?

Speaking of Ezra, he and Hanna meet to discuss the exciting world of babysitting. Hanna’s only experience with babysitting was the time she and Caleb rented Babysitter Sluts 7, which, for the record, Caleb made them turn off because it was heterosexist and oppressive to women. Still, Hanna is completely unable to not sound like a porn star during this entire encounter.

i gotta a plan to get us out of here

THIS LINE IS FROM THE FIRST SCENE IN BABYSITTER SLUTS 7 WHEN THE BABYSITTER FIRST REALIZES HOW ATTRACTED SHE IS TO THE MOTHER

death train

THIS LINE IS FROM A SCENE IN BABYSITTER SLUTS 7 DURING AN ELABORATE ELECTRIC TRAIN SET SEX TOY SEQUENCE

which is a much finer film than babysitter sluts 7

THIS LINE IS TECHNICALLY FROM “BABYSITTER SLUTS 4”


Swarsweep to some woods and a picnic table which we haven’t seen since last year’s season finale. Last year at this spot Jenna gave someone a package and told them, “They’re all going to be at the party. You know what you need to do.” This time, Jenna meets up with this same someone someone and tells them literally the exact same thing. Literally.

for real

YOU NEED TO JUMP SHAKE YOUR BOOTY JUMP JUMP SHAKE YOUR BOOTY

The only difference is that Jenna is being awful…romantic? Yup, Jenna’s got a new someone in her life. Which is awesome when it turns out to be Shana. Yup. Talkin’ bout some Grrl Sexxxx. What will we call them? Shanenna? Jenana?

i would be

YOU’RE TELLING ME YOU SLEPT WITH YOUR STEP BROTHER? OKAY I’M OUT OF HERE

Shana also asks about Jenna’s eyesight which is apparently rapidly going. I want to care about that but all I can think about is how long Jenna’s been into girls. This does sort of explain the sex eyes Jenna kept giving Emily in that Halloween flashback episode.

basically

FYI THIS IS HOW LESBIANS HAVE SEX

Elsewhere, Ezra and Aria meet up on a park bench outside Rosewood’s one strip of shops. Aria confronts him about the job and he admits he got it but wasn’t going to take it because then they’d have to break up. I’d like to point out that it is just as inappropriate to teach at a high school that your ex-girlfriend attends as it is to teach at a high school that your current girlfriend attends. The key element here isn’t “current” versus “ex.” It’s “high school.” Ezra is just totally totally totally not ready to make any choices that don’t include Aria. Welp, that’s what happens when you change all of your life plans for someone in the first place.

or garrett

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW? DATE MELISSA LIKE EVERYONE ELSE?

I get that their breakup is supposed to be circumstantial, but I like a breakup with a little more umph. Like giving your phone number to your girlfriend’s friend. Or finding out that your fiance kissed your sister. Or the sudden realization that your boyfriend of a year has been secretly working with the bad guys who are ruining your life. This feels a bit weak.

lol penis

I’M TORN BETWEEN MAKING A PENIS JOKE AND POINTING OUT THAT ADULT RELATIONSHIPS ARE SOMETIMES HARD

Starsweep to A’s favorite diner where it’s snack time. A flips through some sexy pics of Jenna from earlier. The leather glove thing still bugs the hell out of me.

sooo annoying

THIS DOESN’T WORK. ANNOYING.

TobAy walks in and the waitress I.Ds him as “pretty eyes.” In case you haven’t also spent the last four hours following the trail of clues, that’s what the same waitress called A when they blackmailed Dr. Sullivan at the diner. We already knew TobAy was the one who got Dr. Sullivan to come back at the end of Season Two, so it makes sense that he was the one blackmailing her in the first place. This also means TobAy has been on the A team since at least the middle of the second season. That’s 36 whole episodes!

maybe a reuben

THAT’S RIGHT. I’M BACK. AND I CAN’T WAIT TO TRY THE CORNED BEEF SANDWICH

TobAy walks over to meet A at a table and which A is there? SpAncer!

with smoky eyed makeup

GOD SPANCER LOOKS HOT IN A HOODIE. LIKE A REALLY CUTE KITTEN WHO IS ALSO WEARING A HOODIE.

That’s right, Spencer did the big confrontation thing with TobAy. He’s totally alive and claiming he did all the A shit for her. SpAncer says she got his phone number from MonA’s A-Mobile which means that the text to Jenna could just be coincidental. That being said, the internet told me that it was the same phone number that MonA receives from Ali/Vivian Darkbloom in that flashback where she wants to get popular. So potentially this is just a the number for a phone used by the A-Team.

but still looks hot

WHEN SPENCER CRIES I WANT TO CRY

SpAncer: You let me believe you were dead?
TobAy: Everything I’ve done so I could protect you
SpAncer: I want to believe that
Lizz: I want to vomit

So logically TobAy and SpAncer run off to a motel together.

At the motel room TobAy and SpAncer have all the feelings. Mostly TobAy just gives more, “Wah wah wah I did it for you” and squeezes out few tears. I’ll spare you the details. I think he’s totally faking and we all know it. If he’s not faking it’s just because the writers bended to the Spoby shippers. Also SpAncer’s hair looks bad for the first time ever, which I think is a sign that something is afoot.

well everyone but aria

HOW COME ALL THE OTHER BRUNETTES GET SWEET LESBIANS PLOT LINES?

he just sucks so bad

GOD I HATE MY CHARACTER

Starsweep across town to Ezra’s Annex where Hanna babysits for Malcolm and tries to get him to pin the Alison on the picture. Hanna scans through all her pictures but Malcolm is only able to identify “that girl my mom calls Jail Bait.”

classic jenna

DID THIS GIRL PICK YOU UP? DID SHE MAYBE MAKE A WHOLE BUNCH OF WEIRDLY CODED AND THINLY VEILED THREATS?

Hanna leaves Malcolm with her cell phone in order to be the only high school student in the country to use the landline to call their friend. Hanna calls up Emily to report her non-findings. Just as she does Emily, who is out for a run, spots Melissa knocking on Jenna’s door.

or bring a friend

YOU THINK SHE WOULD HAVE LEARNED BY NOW NOT TO GO RUNNING ALONE AT NIGHT IN ROSEWOOD

Emily tells Hanna she’ll call her back. And does some window snooping. Why don’t these girls ever give each other details? Like, “Oh shit Melissa is outside of Jenna’s house banging on the door. I’m going to spy through the window and probably see some lezzie action between Jenna and Shana while I’m at it. I’m sending you a picture of it.” Not telling their friends what’s up is how the Liars get into trouble!

half the town

WELCOME TO THE WEEKLY MEETING OF “SLEPT WITH GARRETT ANONYMOUS”

Jenna: I don’t understand they have the tapes and–
Melissa: I do understand but those bitches are going to be at the Lodge at nine. Do you understand?

My initial inclination was to be like “Oh shit they’re all on the A team! But I don’t think they are. They’re on whatever team Garret and Ian were on before they died. And probably Cece too. The B-Team. I guess technically that would be the NAT Club. I’d also like to point out that the initials of “Not A Team” is NAT. I think I just solved Pretty Little Liars

sooo gay

CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW GAY SHANA’S SILK BANDANA IS?

Having hung up the phone with Emily, Hanna makes Malcolm a snack because babysitting is 90% snack prep. Malcolm continues to play with her phone while Hanna does some fat shaming and lightly monologues about her eating disorder. It was a bad moment.

seriously

THIS IS WHAT PROPAGANDA DESIGNED TO MAKE YOU HATE YOURSELF LOOKS LIKE

A picture text of Alison and Spencer pops up and Malcolm declares to have found A! Hanna is totally confused, thinking Malcolm is talking about Alison. I was really hoping it would be Alison too, but SpAncer fessed up to TobAy. It was about as surprising as when the Titanic crashes.

shiny beautiful hair

EVEN MALCOLM KNOWS THE REAL POINT OF THIS SHOW.

Suddensweep to Hanna’s where she, Emily and Aria freak out and dish over the whole situation. Everyone processes SpAncer’s behavior in their own way. These ways are surprisingly consistent with their personality throughout the show. Aria immediately jumps on board with whoever is indicated as A:

because that shit was fucked

REALLY? CRAZIER THAN WHEN YOU THOUGHT YOUR DAD WAS A?

Emily is moderately naive and doesn’t want to believe anyone close to them would betray them:

this is how you end up kidnapped

SWEET SWEET EMILY

And Hanna said something hilarious and off topic:

just a thought

OR MAYBE A BRAIN TRANSPLANT?

Hanna turns up some music because, hey, these kids just really wanna dance. Don’t we all? JK it’s actually just the first smart thing anyone’s done all episode/season to keep A from hearing them as they hatch a plan to figure out what’s what with SpAncer.

spoiler altert they dont

DON’T THESE KIDS LOOK LIKE THEY’VE GOT THEIR DANCING SHOES ON?!

In case you’re wondering what SpAncer is doing during all that, she and TobAy are having a continuous one minute and 32 second sex scene in which the camera alternates between a gyrating SpAncer and the weird blue motel sign. We get it. They’re doing it in a motel. Why do TobAy and SpAncer always get such long graphic romantic sex scenes when Paige hasn’t even made an appearance this episode. Unless you count all Caleb’s feelings, literally the only lesbosexy thing we’ve seen since Episode 320 was Jenna and Shana linking fingers.

pants are the worst

THIS IS THE ONLY PART OF THE SCENE I’M SHOWING BECAUSE WHILE I DON’T SUPPORT A MINUTE AND A HALF SPOBY SEXY SCENE, I ALWAYS SUPPORT NO PANTS.

The next morning it’s swim meet day at Rosewood High!

Funny they can't hire an extra english teacher

ROSEWOOD HIGH HAS MORE MONEY FOR BANNERS THAN ANY SCHOOL EVER.

Aria and Ezra meet at school to have a lot of feelings but ultimately break up.

i never realized what a long word straightforward was before

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.
(THIS ONE WAS MUCH MORE STRAIGHTFORWARD)

I sort of thought they were already broken up. Is this their third break-up in as many days? It’s actually pretty cool because they totally mimic their stairwell scene from the pilot.

and unchanging seasons

NOTHING SAYS ROMANCE LIKE FLOOR TO CEILING WINDOWS.

Don’t worry, I’m sure they’ll be back together next season.

jk they kissed all the time

BECAUSE IT WORKED OUT SO WELL WHEN WE TRIED NOT DATING WHILE I WAS IN YOUR SCHOOL LAST TIME

Wait. Seven months? That makes it November? Shouldn’t they be applying to colleges? Shouldn’t there be snow on the ground? This season started labor day weekend. Does that mean it’s only been like three months since this season started? We better see snow falling next season.


Later, the Sharks and the Red Devils finally have that swim meet. SpAncer shows up because even though she’s bad now she still has a fuck-ton of school spirit. I mean, college recruiters definitely pick up on these things.

come on

ALTHOUGH REALLY SPENCER, YOU COULDN’T HAVE THROWN ON A BLUE RHS SWEATSHIRT FOR THE OCCASION?

SpAncer spots Red Coat, but due to the official rules of school sporting events, everyone is wearing red coats. Spencer follows Red Coat best she can through the school finally finding herself in the good old fashioned women’s bathroom. Red Coat turns around and it’s… Hanna?

or at least a great sexy halloween costume

IN WHICH HANNA DISCOVERS HER TRUE CALLING AS LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

genie surprise

But then the other Liars pop out and it’s just a scam.

class

HANNA MARIN AS LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
SPENCER HASTINGS AS THE BIG BAD WOLF
EMILY FIELDS AS TRACK SUIT WEARING GRANDMA
ARIA MONTGOMERY AS THE GIRL WHO WAS TOO COOL TO TRY OUT FOR THE PLAY

The Liars should be mad but they’re not because BFF really does stand for Best Friends FOREVER. Even when your friend openly turns on you. It doesn’t matter though because SpAncer reveals that she’s actually just a double agent for the Liars. Well, SpAncer was short lived, I just she’s just back to being Spencer now. Smiles for everyone!

white teeth caps

BROUGHT TO YOU BY DELTA DENTAL INSURANCE!

Except Emily who looks stoned.

stoner emily

HEY MAN.. YOU LOOK.. ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU HOW SHINY YOUR HAIR IS?… LET’S GET A PIZZA

Shouldn’t Emily be swimming in the swim meet that’s going on right now? Shouldn’t Paige be at this swim meet too instead of out of town on her magical mystery vacation? Spencer also tells them that TobAy is alive and I think Emily almost shits her pants. She is so fucking weird about TobAy. Like so fucking weird.

phew

HE’S ALIVE?! GREAT BECAUSE HE HAS PAIGE’S FAVORITE BOW TIE

Spencer reveals that the whole party is a set-up, duh, and that Red Coat just wants to get the whole gang together for a riveting game of Truth or Dare. They all revel in the idea that they are one step ahead of Red Coat, so you know they must be one step behind.

things that are probably possible to find in rosewood

I’VE GOT A PLAN. BUT WE’RE GOING TO NEED A BLOW DRYER, THREE CHICKENS, A SPORTS CAR AND A GALLON OF MAYO


The next morning in school, Ezra is once again the Liar’s teacher and they are once again totally awkward and stressed about it.

songs about inappropriate relationships

THE THEME OF THE WEEK IN GLEE CLUB

Ezra: “All things truly wicked start from innocence.”

Also Spencer’s shoulders look great.

rebel

OPENLY DISOBEYING THE “NO HATS IN SCHOOL” POLICY. SPENCER REALLY HAS CHANGED.

Later, the Liars prep for their faux big party in very real very expensive looking dresses. Emily debates throwing red paint on Aria’s fur jacket while the three chat. They are, of course, being filmed. At this point it’s safe to say the Liars are always being filmed.

aria's is the best

THANK GOODNESS WE ALL HAD THESE DESIGNER FORMAL DRESSES JUST LYING AROUND THE HOUSE

At The Party Lodge, Spencer and TobAy make out a bunch.

spencer i will put on a full caveman costume for you for real call me

CAN I KEEP HIM? I ALWAYS WANTED A LIFE SIZED CAVEMAN!

MonA and I have similar feelings on the issue. mona eyeroll
MonA chats up Red Coat on her cell phone and is all, “You’re getting what you always wanted,” and “It’s all over,” “You can land your fancy plane now,” and “I have that vibrating underwear you wanted,” “Where do we keep the good rice vinegar?” Typical stuff. What MonA doesn’t know is that the other three Liars have changed into their Spy Kids clothing and are making their way into the building from the back.

if only

THIS IS JUST LIKE CHARLIE’S ANGELS EXCEPT BEYONCÉ ISN’T SINGING IN THE BACKGROUND.

To avoid MonA, TobAy acts like he’s going to take Spencer out back and slay her. He and Spencer go outside just as Red Coat’s plane is landing. I can’t even believe Red Coat travels by plane. That’s so bad for the environment. TobAy reminds Spencer that their goal is for her to see Red Coat’s face and the two part ways.

still so bad for the enviroment

ACTUALLY JUST DROPPING OFF ROSEWOOD’S WEEKLY SHIPMENT OF WHITE GUYS WITH THE SAME HAIRCUT.

Red Coat departs the plan and Spencer does her best sneak attack. Finally seeing her face, Spencer thinks Red Coat is Ali. Of course, Rosewood is filled with blondes and Spencer is at a distance so at this point it could still potentially be someone else.

men she means

SO THAT’S WHERE THEY ALL COME FROM

MonA preps for the big showdown, but is quickly confronted by the three musketeers.

not at all

YOU’RE RIGHT. I DON’T

What all four of them don’t know is that someone just locked them in and set The Party Lodge on fire!

unlikely

IS THAT AN ENJOYABLE LONG TERM LESBIAN STORY LINE I HEAR COMING AROUND THE CORNER?

for real

NO, IT’S JUST THE PATRIARCHY

House fires really scares me and is the main reoccurring theme in most of my nightmares. I’m fine with campfires. Actually I make a great campfire myself– we can totally go camping sometime if you want. Wait. I’m getting distracted. Where was I? Right. With all the smoke in the building the girls freak out.

truth

I CAN’T DIE IN THIS FIRE!! I NEVER EVEN BOUGHT MY FIRST STRAP-ON! I HAVEN’T LIVED!

like so hard

DO YOU EVEN REALIZE HOW HARD IT WILL BE TO WASH THE SMOKE OUT OF MY HAIR?!

dick swing

I JUST IMAGINE LIKE TWO HUGE DILDOS ON TRAPEZES SWINGING THROUGH THE AIR TOWARDS THEM

In the hullabaloo MonA accidentally reveals that even she doesn’t know who Red Coat is!

classic

AND YOU JUST KNOW I WON’T EVEN GET MY BIG LESBIAN PLOT LINE UNTIL SWEEPS WEEK OF SEASON FIVE

As for TobAy, he goes off strolling around in the dark trying to I.D. other woodland dwellers, but all that ends up happening is he gets knocked unconscious and a lighter placed in his hand. I guess whoever started the fire wanted to frame TobAy. That would have been my move too. Minus the starting a house fire part what with my previously mentioned tremendous fear.

maybe toby's hair will catch on fire

IS THIS A TRUE NORTH LIGHTER? LOOKS MORE LIKE A TRUE NORTHWEST LIGHTER

Fortunately no one dies because someone drags the Liars out of the house. Wouldn’t that have been kind of a funny twist if they had died though? Like the fourth season is just us watching Shana, Jenna and Melissa run around town? Maybe Paige would get some screen time.

Hanna wakes up first and sees Red Coat’s face staring back at her. It’s Alison!

everyone in rosewood does

EVEN RED COAT HAS TIME TO DO SMOKEY EYE MAKEUP.

MonA runs over to the Liars like she’s just spotted a 30% off sale at J.Crew and announces that she too saw Ali! Now it’s a trifecta of Ali spotters. No one believes MonA, because she’s the fucking bad guy, but Hanna agrees. PLL324-00347
Spencer finally hears the fire commotion, runs over to see whats going on and seals the deal on the Ali is Red Coat trifecta. Okay one more time for SQL purposes: Alison is Red Coat. I was right? You were right? We were all right? Everyone was right.
url-3
Also. Three people spotting her? Clearly Red Coat/Alison wanted it this way. Just sayin’.

The Liars and MonA ride home together in the same car. I couldn’t possibly say why, since they probably took three cars up between them. Watching MonA sit bitch in the back seat while the Liars grill her is pretty hilarious though. It oddly reminds me of the shawarma scene at the end of The Avengers in that it feels like the part they’re not supposed to show us. You’re not supposed to see the part where the superheroes stop for lunch or where James Bond stops to take a piss or when the Liars have to suffer through a long and totally awkward car ride home.

hate the middle seat

THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT YELLING “SHOTGUN NOT MIDDLE” FAST ENOUGH

In a lot of ways, this scene gives us the most raw, real and totally unhinged MonA yet. MonA tells the Liars she made a deal with Red Coat at Radley in order to get a way in and out. This seems patently false, since when Red Coat first confronted MonA, MonA said, “I did everything you asked me to.”

also mona's face lol

I FEEL LIKE ARIA STOLE THAT HAT FROM PAIGE

MonA: At first it was fun having a partner, but then the game changed. She stole you from me.

As the Liars reenter Rosewood they drive by the church. Outside is Wilden’s cop car, covered in the set dressings from the Broadway version of The Little Mermaid, pulled up out of the lake.

we never get enough lezzies

THE SEAWEED IS ALWAYS GREENER/ ON SOMEBODY ELSE’S LAKE/ YOU DREAM ABOUT LESBO SEX SCENES/ BUT THIS SHOW WILL ALWAYS FLAKE/ JUST LOOK AT THE PLOTS AROUND YOU/ SAMARA WAS SUCH A BORE/ COULD JENNA AND SHANA GIVE US/ THE GIRL SEX WE’RE LOOKING FOR?

The front seat laptop is still showing the video of Ashley Marin, which is surprising given it’s been submerged for like a week. The big difference is that now the computer is showing Jenna and Shana helping Wilden off the ground and taking him away. Awww. A couple that plots together stays together.

lezzie bar

THEN THE THREE OF THEM HIT UP SECOND SATURDAY AT MACHINE IN BOSTON

Then, just to make it a season finale, they all get a mysterious text from A, pop the trunk of the car and gasp at what they see.

that actually happened to me once.

THERE’S NOTHING IN LIFE MORE CONSISTENT THAN RECEIVING ANONYMOUS TEXTS OF DICK PICS.

big O

FIVE TRAPEZE DILDO FLYING THROUGH THE AIR

My guess? It’s a trunk full of the tapes that Jenna was scared the Liars would get. If it’s a dead body I think it’s Cece or Jason. Or Maya. If I’ve learned anything from this show it’s that it could always be Maya’s dead body.

bondage is so hot right now

SO PICK OUT A COLLAR AND YOUR FAVORITE FLOGGER AND LET’S DO THIS THING

Our final cut scene in a flashback where a hand reaches through the dirt just like in the Halloween Train Episode and that episode of True Blood and maybe also in Buffy? Except this time someone reaches in, grabs her hand, and pulls her out.

punny

THAT’S WHAT I CALL A GOOD HAND JOB

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Lizz

Lizz is a consumer, lover and writer of all things pop culture and the Fashion/Style Editor at Autostraddle.com. She is also full time medical student at Brown University in Providence, RI. You can find her on the twitter, the tumblr or even on the instagram.

Lizz has written 261 articles for us.

19 Comments

  1. The most authentic moment of the episode was definitely. “I hate her. She flirts with everyone, but me.” I hear straight girls say that. I hear queer girls say that. It’s true. It’s true. I’ve said it before.

    As for the show… I hat that Mona feels part of the group now. She cray. Also delusional.

  2. this recap made me LOL at least 50 times, the captions were extra-amazing
    also i thought toby was being honest
    thank you for the throwback screencaps i never made those connections myself
    also seriously ezra and aria broke up at least five times and we haven’t seen paige in weeks!
    also i feel like them turning up the music was for real the first indication any of them have given that they have actually learned something from all this

  3. I fully expect giant dildo trapezes to be featured in my nightmares moving forward.
    shana is ridiculously hot, I don’t even care that she’s plotting and scheming.
    the “she stole you from me” bit from mona makes me think she has a huge lesbian crush on all of them and is totally not getting invited to the pool party, because there are going to be girls there in their bathing suits. I mean RIGHT? she’s a total stalker.

  4. I haven’t even read the proper recap yet BUT HOW DARE YOU!
    CANCELLING THE MIDDLEMAN WAS CLEARLY ABCFAM’S WORST MISTAKE!

    ok, I can go read now. had to get that out.

    • I read the recap with my toast burned about State of Grace. (because I loved it ok. no shame.)

  5. This recap was all kinds of funny. I especially enjoyed the “babysitter sluts” captions. ALSO the leather glove thing baffled/annoyed me too!

    I am still confused as to why Ali/Red Coat pulled them out of the fire if she was REALLY A. There has to be more to the story, I think Ali/RC just wanted to control them, but theres the NAT (and that Not A Team was a brilliant thought) club who are actively trying to kill the liars. Who knows though. Basically everyone is evil and there must be a huge black hoodie shortage in Rosewood.

  6. Is Red Coat pulling someone out from their grave in the last scene? The reflection of the light is clearly red. Who are they rescuing that people think is dead but then isn’t?

    Also if Alison is alive does that mean the evil twin theory is true? because they did find Alison’s body at some point so if it wasn’t Alison (or someone who looked exactly like her) her family or someone would have noticed unless they are also team A. At this point I don’t know what was actually on the show and what not anymore.

  7. having now read, I can now say, finally someone notices the gloves! A lot of things are completely unrealistic but using leather gloves with touch screens is where I draw the line!

  8. These captions were hilarious, excellent job. Also, big props for you to make all the connections to previous episodes.

  9. “MonA runs over to the Liars like she’s just spotted a 30% off sale at J.Crew and announces that she too saw Ali!”

    I think she was running to the fire…..sale.

  10. I appreciate the fact that Aria took time to wear Paige’s hat during a situation like that…

  11. That shot of Jenana holding hands? That is how lesbians have sex when their nails are that long. Yikes.

  12. so so so many lols!

    “I CAN’T DIE IN THIS FIRE!! I NEVER EVEN BOUGHT MY FIRST STRAP-ON! I HAVEN’T LIVED!”

    i think i’m going to go buy a strap on now just incase i die in a house fire.

Comments are closed.