Would I Be Wrong To Voice My Harry Potter Discomfort Around JK Rowling’s Transphobia To My Family?

Q

I’m non-binary and lesbian, and pretty leftist; but my niece is into Harry Potter, which, of course, makes me uncomfortable because of the author’s… fascist leanings. Actually, most of my family are HP fans or read Rowling’s works, in spite of the fact me, and two of my cousins, are queer. Whenever they, or my niece, bring up the series, I am forced to bite my tongue and say nothing about how buying merch is funding transphobic hate laws and pushing back gay rights; not to mention the discomfort I get seeing HP merch, or my niece’s new copy of The Philosopher’s Stone. Would I be wrong to voice my discomfort to my family?

A

Summer: Ugh, I’m so glad Harry Potter was never a cultural phenomenon in South Africa the way it was overseas. The fallout sounds awful.

And no, I don’t think you’d be ‘wrong’ to voice your discomfort to the family. I might be inclined to ask you to keep the peace if the content of that fictional universe was disquieting to you. Like being with Game of Thrones fans if you have strong opinions about its depictions of various topics. The fact is, one of the main issues with Harry Potter in 2025 is that supporting the franchise isn’t a statement about fictional worlds. It’s about a very real person’s very tangible efforts against social progress and inclusion. Those efforts are mainly aimed at trans people, but others too. She’s made some choice remarks about thin people and models in advertising.

The principal reason she has sufficient wealth and influence to conduct her campaign against a host of people (including… cisgender boxers?) is Harry Potter. The Harry Potter media franchise funds these efforts and her chosen lifestyle. A lifestyle which, to describe in an old-school fashion, I tolerate but don’t respect or believe in. Much is said about Rowling and how her life relates to the literary concept of Death of the Author. But my take-away is that she is one of the most succinct cases wherein supporting a media empire directly contributes to a definitive voice in the marginalization of queer people with far-reaching consequences.

I leave it to my fellow authors to cast their input and discuss how you can talk to them about this. All I can say is you would not be wrong to voice your distaste. If you believe in ‘keeping the peace’, it’s also not wrong for you to keep quiet and avoid the topic. But I have a feeling you’re already sick of doing that.

Nico: I think you can have a conversation with your family about this, yes. It’s good to have hard conversations with family. However, as we’ve seen again and again, not everyone is willing to give up the things they find pleasurable for ethical reasons, so don’t be surprised if you receive pushback. Do you have friends who feel the same way you do who you can commiserate with, or who you can plan out how you’re going to go about saying this with, first? It would be good to have someone who you know you can go to in order to vent your frustrations should your family be, well, frustrating. As Summer said above, their financial support of this franchise goes directly toward funding the furtherance of hateful ideology, and so it goes well beyond something like even enjoying the work of an author who is a bad person or being a fan of a franchise with content you find odious — it’s a lot more like donating directly to anti-trans lobbying efforts, and that’s worth discussing with the people who you care about.

Riese: I think you should talk to them yes! I feel like they’re likely to resist if Harry Potter is often central to a child’s interest in reading, and Rowling’s politics probably feel too abstract in the face of this universe that their children are so engaged with — but it’s still worth a try! If they won’t budge, try some middle grounds: only buying Harry Potter books second-hand, foregoing merch… but if they must merch, they should get it from an independently owned store with politically aligned owners, or pledge to donate the amount they spent on merch to a trans-focused non profit or mutual aid fund.

I’m not actually sure that it even matters that you or your cousins are queer, you know? You absolutely should speak to them about how it feels to be nonbinary and witness JK Rowling’s hatred towards trans people, I think it will resonate and help you get through to them. But I do think at the end of the day, JK Rowling’s fascist hate-fueled campaign towards trans people should concern all of us, including your family, because we are all human, and trans people are human. Because I think this conversation is likely to become an opening to talking to them about some of the shit trans people are currently dealing with politically here and in the UK, and that’s an opportunity to teach them about something they hopefully will care about not just because it affects you but because it’s the ethically sound position to hold.

My Friend In The Poly/Kink Scene Makes Me Feel Boring

Q

I am in a relatively new relationship (1 year and going strong), and it has been really positive for me. Prior to this relationship, I had been in pretty tumultuous and intense open and poly dynamics for the past five years. While monogamish, this relationship with my girlfriend has been way more stable and predictable and…well, boring! But I like it : ) We’re moving in together, which I’ve never done before, and I’m really excited about our future and present together. She has very Mr. Darcy vibes—because she’s quiet, I initially didn’t see her as romantic or fun, but now I literally want to hang out with her all the time.

My question has to do with one of my friends. When I was in these other poly and dating dynamics, and she in her own, she and I would talk a lot about our relationship issues. She’s big in the poly and kink scene and through our friendship I experienced more of those communities, and it was great! We would always have tons to tell each other about our most recent trysts or longings. Since my gf and I have gotten more serious, I just…haven’t had as much to share! We hang out, we have sex, we eat noodles, and that’s sort of it. And on top of that, I feel protective of my relationship and any judgment from my friend. For example, the sex I have with my gf is amazing, but it’s very different from the more explosive kind I had in past relationships. I chalk that up to the fact that all relationships are different and I think we have a more stable dynamic, but my friend has expressed multiple times that she thinks people should be obsessed with and fiending for their partners. So I think she views my pretty non-dramatic feelings for my partner with suspicion.

Anyways, I’m sad! I feel like my friend thinks I’m boring now that I’m not in the poly scene. Idk why I need her approval so much, but apparently it matters to me. And I also feel like she hasn’t put a lot of effort into meeting me where I’m at. And at my lowest moments I doubt myself and worry maybe she sees something that I don’t. I don’t really know any to talk to her about it but I also don’t know how to proceed.

A

Summer: Boring is not necessarily bad. Boring can be safe, stable, and as you prefer: predictable. The ideal relationship for you is the one that fits your needs and personhood at a given time. It sounds like this one fits you and the uncertainty is external. An externality born out of ideas of what an exciting and proper queer life looks like. There isn’t a right way to date queer, nor is it sustainable to build a life wholly on intensity and energy.

Most people reach a life stage where smooth and predictable is a better option. It’s often linked to permanent employment, having kids, marriage, and so forth. Some people hit that stage earlier than others. Some people never hit that stage and resolve to leave smoking skidmarks en route to the grave. I don’t think your friend is seeing something that you don’t, causing her to have misgivings about your relationship. I think she’s completely failed to see what you do. Which is the happiness and comfort you’ve found. Like, I just don’t see what’s wrong with your relationship. It sounds lovely. It may not be the shape of the relationship I want. It won’t be the one a freshly bisexual party sophomore party animal wants. As long as it’s what you want.

Nico: I would hope that your friend would be your friend even if you didn’t have entertaining gossip to share. You don’t both have to be the chaotic friend always embarking on new relationships and adventures. In fact, some of the sweetest friendship dynamics are made up of people who lead wildly different lives. If your friend thinks you’re boring because you aren’t showing up with new poly / kink scene news to share anymore, and you all can’t find something else that’s entertaining to do together, then I am not sure how good of a friend they are. I really hope you’ll ask yourself more about why you care about impressing a friend who isn’t trying to meet you where you are because I am willing to bet that if the situation were reversed, you’d probably be happy for them if they’re happy, right?

Now, to speak to the “boring” and “stable” aspects of your current relationship. Less stable relationships of any kind, not just kinky ones, can lead to more explosive sex. If you feel safe, stable, and certain, then maybe you aren’t “fiending” for your partner constantly in the same way you might have when you didn’t have this same level of security, because sometimes that fiending can also be a sign that you’re seeking more connection and security through sex. There’s nothing wrong with having explosive sex with multiple partners, engaging in the kink scene, but neither is there with not doing those things.

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