Sorry for the lateness, Bombshells. I have three jobs: Two of them are in customer service, and the other one is being a professional Internet presence/consumer of cheesy lesbian media. Can you guess which one I’d like to do full-time? Ha ha ha! Ha. Ha ha. Ha. Anyway, I combined the last two episodes into one gigantic amazing gooey ball of lesbian fun as a way to make it up to you.

Let’s start with Episode 2×08! In this episode, Lorna tried to get all her girls into a top preschool, Betty started a fight club, and Gladys became the Bond Girl she was born to be. Actually, none of these things specifically happened, but if you’re an English major working in retail who has a lot of extra time to embellish the truth, you could say these things did, in some way, happen. In other matters of almost but not quite, apparently I misspelled Teresa’s name last week. Maybe if we knew more about her as a character beyond the fact that she enjoys scissoring with Betty and is in the army, I’d know how to spell her name. #SHOTSFIRED

The episode starts at the Jewel Box, where all the girls are making out with each other and then crying about it in the bathroom. Oops, sorry, that’s just every lesbian party I’ve been to ever. On this particular Episodic Jewel Box Outing, Betty and Gladys are dancing with each other in an adorable way. I’m gonna continue to be the only one in the room saying it but gosh darn it, I ship it. I gosh darn ship it.

via victorymunitions1942.tumblr.com

Gladys is still on her emo kick, though, and really wishes the band would play some “deeper cuts,” so she goes to sit down and drown her sorrows in alcohol and the memory of Conor Oberst’s better tracks. Teresa takes her place, and she and Betty do some jazz hands-type movement that I believe is a 1940s lesbian mating ritual. Then Betty reveals she learned to dance on a refrigerator door which is an image that only took me a good ten minutes to sort out in my head.

and later i’m gonna make you my fridge door and bang you all night whenever i get hungry

A mysterious dude buys a drink for Gladys because these things are always happening to Gladys. She doesn’t accept because feminism.

Gladys heads to the ladies’ room where she is accosted by the worst spy of all time.

HEY GIRL HAVE YOU GOT AN OB ALSO DISH ME SOME FACTORY SECRETS UR THE BEST GIRL

Gladys comes to the obvious conclusion that something is fishy and not in the lesbian joke way.

Vera and Gladys are going to go to the movies and see the Hitchcock version of exactly what Gladys is dealing with in her weekly storyline. It’s a heavy plot device but at least it allows us to see yet another adorable friendship on this show. I am running out of friendships to adore, guys. It’s all too much.

still laughing at amanda bynes’ twitter

Since Bob got his pay day and needed shade and a vacay, Lorna is home alone and into Sheila’s suggestion of community service at the hospital. She thinks she is gonna enlist the factory girls because they are going to need way more community service on their resumes if they’re ever gonna get into the right schools. She tells the girls that dudes are dying for their right to party and they should feel bad about it. I’ve decided Lorna is the factory’s resident Catholic Mother, as she seems to employ a lot of intense guilt in both motivation and discipline.

there are starving children in africa who would love to have clean nails and safety regulations

Betty has decided that her community service will be servicing Teresa’s vagina. The icy tension between her and Kate continues to solidify into a thick enough layer that you could probably safely ice fish on it. Maybe for perch, or trout. I don’t know. What would be considered the most lesbianish fish? Someone get on Wikipedia and brainstorm this out with me.

yeah my schedule is full up with lesbian activities which is kind of like that time i proposed you do lesbian activities with me and you turned me down? is that ringing any bells, kate?

Reggie is sick of her racist landlady and her bullshit policies, and is generally the most overlooked character on the show. Reggie! Where have you been? Please tell me that we didn’t see you in these last episodes because you were too busy forming a girl gang and making zines about intersectional feminism. Anyway, Lorna’s maternal instincts are all over this situation.

and don’t get me started on the people who can’t pronounce “Quvenzhané Wallis”

Down on Ye Olde Factory Floor, Gladys is mindin’ her own beeswax just makin’ bombs when she spots the Worst Spy Ever on the factory floor! What even, girl? Gladys goes over to confront her, but girl pretends she is not even that lady and puts up some major cold fronts. Worst Spy Ever, what is your deal? This is like that time my ex saw me making out with her ex at a party and I told her it wasn’t me even though we totally made eye contact and had a conversation at the time. Same thing.

i’m not that mysterious lady from last night and that ob definitely didn’t last me a much longer time than expected with such an easy insertion method! what a quality tampon product!

Gladys takes this to Akins who tells her they have new security at the factory. Security is Mysterious Drink Buyin’ Dude Who Was Tryna! He has the worst British accent I have heard in a long time. The last time I heard that bad of an accent was coming from my own mouth when I was trippin’ balls at a La Roux show and thought I could pretend to be Elly’s back-up dancer. Ha, those were the days!

They want Gladys to point out the worker on the factory floor, but of course Worst Spy Ever is nowhere in sight. Akins once again chalks this up to women and their menses cycles, and Worst British Accent decides to ask Gladys out because boy is still tryna! Gladys accepts because third wave feminism.

OI! WOT’S ALL THIS THEN?

Over at the only wing this hospital seems to have, Lorna is working especially hard at her Helicopter Mom impression. She literally brought Sheila’s childhood stuffed animal today. Sheila is like, totally embarrassed, because now all the popular nurses are gonna see and they’re never gonna let her sit with them at lunch! Thanks a lot, Mom!

Ashley Benson-Carver says stuffed animals are for girls who stuff their bras, mom. You, like, don’t even know what is cool because you went to middle school when there were dinosaurs.

Kate gets fixated on a non-responsive patient because this is all an impressive metaphor for seemingly impossible situations, am I right? He’s probably representative of the McAndrews fandom following most of the events of season 2.

look i respect the fandom and the top notch fanfiction but y’all gotta learn to respect my agency as a character

Over at the movies, Betty and Teresa are nudging each other with their fingers and then finger-clasping which is just about the gayest thing ever, good for them. Gladys and Vera are also holding hands, which is such an interesting commentary on female sexuality and the way women are socialized to be desexualized in their affection with each other, thus the “invisible lesbian.” In less academic jargon, Lorna is sad and can’t believe she ditched stalking her daughter for this depressing sitch.

a pair of lesbians in the wild, performing the traditional lesbian call to mating that is known by experts as “finger bumpin”

near the lesbian watering hole, a pair of “should be lesbians” have gathered and are performing their own unique rituals of affection

Teresa and Betty walk home from the movies. They have the conversation we have all had with our first girlfriend, the one who had actually done this whole lesbian relationship thing before, while we were the young eager puppy with no idea our hearts were about to be stomped to all oblivion by something called reality. This conversation is prompted by some drunk guys being rude and trying to get up on them. The guys call them bull daggers and reach for Teresa, which causes Betty to punch them in the fuckin’ face. Betty fuckin’ McRae, ladies and gentlemen.

50 cent’s “many men” plays in the background

Teresa: I have a lot at stake and you have a lot to learn. I keep my head down and I keep my business to myself.

Kate decides the best way to connect with the McAndrews fandom is to sing to him. It’s super effective! That’s because Kate is actually a Disney princess and I refuse to believe anything else.

the hillllsssss are aliiiiive with the sounds of fangirls complaining about me not sleeping with their favorite character

Gladys goes out with Fake Brit Worst Attempt At Accent Ever and it’s not going super well. First of all, they go to the Jewel Box because apparently there are no other night spots in Toronto. Now all their work friends and lesbian buddies could walk in at any time and spot this truly awful trainwreck of a date taking place. This is like my first and only date with a boy where we ended up going to a Chinese restaurant where the entire JV girls’ soccer team was seated next to us and watched the 16 year old awkward go down. In this case, we’re running the gamut from dead ex-boyfriends to ridiculous sounding British childhoods. Bond he is not, ladies and gentlemen.

still tryna

Betty and Teresa have another “talk” that makes me more than a little sad inside.

Teresa: I will not risk my career. Not even for you.

when they start paying me to be a lesbian, i’ll let you know. until then, respect the hustle.

It’s such an interesting turn to see Betty dealing with all of Teresa’s boundaries, especially when Betty was all about chivalry and self-sacrifice when her romantic energy was focused on Kate. To have that type of love and infatuation not returned twice seems like the worst kind of torture for someone who is a walking ball of emotions. Ah, Betty. You and I have that experience in common ten times over. Call me when you wanna get matching “Tender Butch” tattoos, boo.

Not Actually Brit takes Gladys for a drive to a dark and super foggy bridge. Seems like a good idea. Bad Accent Fake Brit tells Gladys to get out of the car and follow him onto this unlit bridge where he will definitely not murder her. Like, definitely!

what if i told you i was a time traveler on a very specific mission, gladys? the mission to kill jenny schecter.

Turns out Bad Accent and Worst Spy Ever are spies who want to recruit Gladys to also be a spy. Is this seriously how they are doing the whole spy recruitment program in Canada? Kinda unprofesh, guys. Feel like their Spy Headquarters is actually a treehouse where the redhead turns bottlecap knobs on a cardboard box control panel and sends everyone on top secret missions to annoy each other’s brothers.

Back at the hospital, Lorna learns from Dr. Patel that he is actually engaged to an Indian lady via an arranged marriage and this whole thing with Sheila is just kind of an “in between thingy” that they’re both totally down with. Obviously this is a super modern idea for Lorna, and for television in general (a relationship we cannot call endgame????? what????????) so everyone is a little shocked and appalled. This was not what Lorna was expecting when she packed Sheila a lunch with the sandwiches cut into hearts and a note that said “LOVE YOU SO MUCH DONT SLEEP WITH DR PATEL XOXO MOMMY”.

i’m sorry miss jackson i am for real

At the Jewel Box, bad shit is about to go down. And by bad shit, I mean the men from earlier come back and beat the shit out of Betty. It is exactly as heart in your throat tears down your cheeks bad as you think it is. I was a straight up mess. They are trying to drag her into their car for whatever dark purpose I would rather not consider, when Vera shows up and saves the day. Vera, I didn’t think I could love you more, but I do. I really, truly do.

Inside, Teresa and Betty have a moment. It might be the first moment where Teresa “gets” what this relationship means to Betty and what her pride and determination have to do with her identity. It’s pretty lovely.

Betty: What’s that for?

Teresa: Being a hero.

Betty: I’m not trying to be a hero. I’m trying to live my life.

Baby girl, you are perfect.

Lorna thinks Sheila shouldn’t be in a situation where marriage is not the endgame. Think of the fanfiction, Lorna pleads, but Sheila tries to explain that doomed ships are typically the most popular in the fandom. It doesn’t go well.

HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN THE HARRY/HERMIONE TAG ON AO3, MOM? SHIT IS RIPE!

Betty shows up to work with a shiner and Lorna stands up for her. Everyone gives her a round of applause because feminism. Betty makes a lot of faces that will take out your heart and smash it with a million silver hammers of emotional justice.

Lorna invites Reggie to move in with her which I’m pretty sure already happened, right? Like wasn’t girl eating breakfast there in 2×02, that one where I was making a lot of L Word jokes? Writers, what you smokin’? You get lost in the spy storyline, too? Y’all still working on that whole Teresa character fleshing out thing? I hope y’all get your shit together for the next episode.

And guess what? They do! Because didn’t I tell you this would be a double feature? I did. And as Jay-Z says and as I say when I pregame and rap over Jay-Z, on to the next one.

This week on Bomb Girls, we’ve got Rosie, we’ve got the proposal from hell, and we’ve got burlesque! Yes, burlesque, something I really truly love and admire and consider myself a devoted fan of, and now there’s a burlesque themed episode of Bomb Girls. For somewhere in my youth and childhood, I must have done something good.

not that burlesque though, not that 2 hour romp through christina aguilera’s incredibly limited acting talents and cher and stanley tucci being drunk and ad libbing all their lines

All our favorite ladies are enjoying second breakfast, or as some like to call it, a pre-work smoke. Vera wants Kate to sing in the “all girl revue,” which Ivan is pretty much immediately against. Progressive guy, this one. Good thing Betty has been saving up all her skeptical side eyes this week to react to everything Kate and Ivan do as a couple.

Breaking up this little sass fest from Our Favorite Lesbian is ROSIE. She’s a famous reporter who is probably also a secret lesbian, as Betty gave her way too quick of a Dyke Grin of Acknowledgment for that to not be the case. I mean, everyone on this show might as well be a secret lesbian, I don’t know why I am arguing otherwise.

figure a: the betty mcrae signature dyke grin of acknowledgement

Lorna is not 100% on a reporter hanging out at the factory, and gives her the Lorna Corbett Disapproval Treatment, which seems to involve making the other person surrender over their belongings while allowing them one pencil. Rosie, or Dottie, who I will probably still be referring to as Rosie because I had a lot of Rosie merchandise as a child (ahem, GAY), is not sure she is down with this scenario.

completely insulted by only being allowed to carry a phallic symbol of all things

Rosie gets right to work bringing up all the chemical hazards that might be killing the girls as we speak, and oh, Rosie, I really don’t want to think about these things, okay? I have very deliberately chosen as a fan and as someone who is way too emotionally attached to these fictional characters to ignore the fact that they will probably all be dying horrible cancer-related deaths before they reach the age of 45, okay? I have accepted that they are going to have deformed children and lung decay, and I am coping. Let’s not bring this up again, okay? I don’t need an excuse to write The Notebook-style Kate and Betty death scene fanfiction, okay? Okay?!

look lady, we don’t use sunscreen and we smoke like chimneys. we know how this story ends.

Gladys runs into Lesser Bond in the canteen. She starts whispering because she is cutely terrible at being a spy. She also puts some white substance on her face on accident, and I’m trying to decide if I’d be more or less grossed out if that substance was revealed to be cottage cheese. Probably more. Lesser Bond reveals it is creamed cauliflower and leaves in a trail of fog. SPIES!

still flawless tho

Kate and Betty discuss Betty’s eagerness to buy a home. Kate says that it’d be nice to have a home for that heternormative family setting she’s been pinin’ after. Betty gives her a look that says “oh, wow, is this like that time we went to that house and we talked about getting a home together after the war and I was 99% sure you were basically accepting my invitation to come live with me as my lesbian partner because I thought it was real between us and I dreamed a dream in time gone by when hope was high and life worth living, I dreamed that love would never die, I dreamed that goddess would be forgiving, then I was young and unafraid when dreams were made and used and wasted, there was no ransom to be paid, no song unsung, no wine untasted, but then you had to go and get with Ivan.”

*whisper* now life has killed the dream i dreamed

Marco finds out he has to serve underneath Leon and report to him for security reasons. Those reasons are mostly that he has been wrongfully accused of three different security situations, so. Also, that he is an Italian and his cannoli has been quite the factory nuisance, as it keeps canoodling with his direct supervisors. That reason we can all agree upon.

you can’t keep a good ricotta marscapone filling down, sir

Vera and Marco are at the Lady Revue TryOuts and as I fitfully said out loud the first time I watched this episode, “dang, are they bangin’ yet?” Vera is just the most flawless person in existence and she really needs her Italian Stallion, even if he continues to be the hunky scourge of the factory. Queen needs her champion, you feel me? Also she needs her dragons, but when Vera ascends to khaleesi, that shouldn’t be an issue. Anyway, Marco tells Vera that he’s probably going to quit. She gives him the old arm squeeze, which in Lesbian Terms is usually called Precursor to the Physical Activities.

oh wow your forearms are even firmer than i’d imagined your g spot stroke must be outta this world

Kate sings “Molly Malone”, but does it like she’s in a second grade talent show and her mom is in the front row with the camcorder doing the arm motions for her. They tell her she looks like Drew Barrymore in “Never Been Kissed”, so she grabs Ivan and gives him the most sexual kiss the poor boy has probably ever received.

Kate: I assure you, sir, I’ve been kissed. You’ve seen it yourself.

Well, DAMN GIRL. Let’s all be glad Betty wasn’t present for this situation, as she probably would have simultaneously creamed her pants and had a nosebleed before running from the room in a state of panic and confusion.

uh kate does this mean you’re not gonna make me wear that blonde wig and power suit during sex anymore?

Then a burlesque dancer comes out and um, this show just took a turn for the awesome. Also Vera and Marco are checking this lady out like they probably slipped her their number after her audition because they’re looking for a third. Mhm.

Ivan and Kate are playing Monopoly, which I guess is what Kate has convinced Ivan that sex is. This is probably why he kept referring to that night with Betty as Monopoly. Everything’s all wholesome and squeaky clean until Kate offers up physical favors for Monopoly and they start awkwardly straddling on the couch. Vera runs in and apologizes because she is Canadian. Love those guys.

wow so you’re not still not gay? how many bad sexual encounters with this guy is it gonna take?

Lorna has Rosie over for sandwiches and they talk about feminist stuff. Man, I wish I could chill with cool ladies and eat sandwiches and talk about feminism. I miss college.

look lorna, you and i are pretty second wave, but we don’t have to be rad fem okay? we can do better

Vera tells Kate that the Awesome Lady Show Revue is technically a burlesque show. Vera is totally for it and says burlesque takes all types. Good golly Vera, could you be more of a perfect person? Ivan is totally against it and goes pretty deep in the slut-shaming. He also does not let Kate have a say in the matter as she is “his woman.”

Reggie shows up to fix Lorna’s stove and talk more turkey with Rosie. With her toolbox! I mean, what! How amazing is this scene! I was making stupid happy noises the moment that baby dyke showed up with a fucking toolbox! A toolbox! This show, I’m telling you.

Over at Fancy People Tennis Club, Gladys is playing tennis with her father because ha! If Reggie is walking around with a toolbox, Gladys is walking around with a tennis racket. And can I just say, her tennis outfit and hair ribbon are pretty much the most swoonworthy things in this episode, not counting all those burlesque numbers we are about to appreciate. Gladys asks her father for control of her trust funds. You go, girl. I also loved the part of the conversation she started with “What will you do if there isn’t another James?” as I was fully expecting her to follow that sentence up with “What if her name is Jane, or Jamie, or what if I end up with Betty because we’d probably have hot sex together while she teases me and calls me ‘Princess’?”

what if i just go totally lesbian on everyone? can i get a car? how about a truck?

Rosie’s article is printed, and Reggie is all too excited to read it out loud to Lorna because Reggie is mentioned in the article. Reggie is gonna cut this out and add it to her scrapbook next to a picture of Kathleen Hanna and Angela Davis, and then she’s gonna go ride her bike with the rest of her girl gang and beat up some misogynist boys at the gas station. Reggie is the best.

looks like there wasn’t anything in the crime blotter about that abusive guy i castrated and spray painted pink, so that’s cool

Unfortunately, Lorna’s wages and the fact women make 35 cents less than men at the factory are right there in the paper, and Lorna is not too jazzed about that.

Meanwhile, Marco and Vera and still talking up the burlesque thing with Kate. Vera reveals she has been “once or twice” to the burlesque and VERA WHY ARE YOU SUCH A QUEEN?! This, and the fact she calls Ivan “Ivan the Terrible” make her the continued best person in all of Canada. Kate asks Vera for burlesque pointers. Yes. Yes, she does.

Donald, that douchey guy who has done most of the douchey stuff on the show, gives Lorna a hard time because of the article. Betty makes a “McRae Isn’t Fuckin Around” Face.

MOTHERFUCKAS THINK TWICE BEFORE THEY CROSS ME

Gladys tells Betty she should make a move on the house. Betty says she is bad at being flirtatious with guys. Gladys is like duh, bro, I’ve seen you, and agrees to come along as flirtatious bait. I love these two so much.

Donald continues to be a jackass in the canteen and Marco throws a roll at his head. Part of me was like Marco, you’re the bestest, and then another part of me was like, oh my god Marco, I totally forgot that time you got Lorna pregnant with Baby Cannoli, can we talk about that for a second? Except I guess we’re not up to those games anymore? Lorna tells Marco that she doesn’t want any trouble. Mhm, girl, we get where you’re going with that.

i went on a no carb diet just to avoid interactions with your cannoli do you understand what i am saying

Vera is giving Kate burlesque tips and I’ve decided I’m going to marry Vera just so you guys know.

shawty ur my angel ur my darlin angel

Gladys is hosting her daddy’s dinner party and Pretend British is there. He tells her he is trying to get her dad to help build bombs or something? I don’t know, this spy stuff is over my head. Gladys is like okay I’ll do it. SPIES!

i was listening to a dubstep remix of skyfall earlier today and it wasn’t that bad. this has been the only thing the author could think of as commentary on this photo. i’m out of things to add to this storyline. idek guys

Ivan is being a shitty person about this burlesque thing and Kate has had enough.

Kate: You think I’m this meek little mouse you can keep in a cage?

Ivan: No, I just don’t want you to degrade yourself!

Kate: It’s not degrading if I decide to do it.

Ivan: Yes it is!

Kate: Says who?

Ivan: Says me. I don’t want my girl on stage.

Betty and Gladys go to the bank to get Betty her loan. Turns out the banker is actually a woman, but doesn’t play for Betty’s team, so it’s back to square one in the planning situation.

aw man bro but maybe she’s a noodle get it

Lorna confronts Rosie about the article, but Rosie is all GIRL POWER YOU BUILD BOMBS GIRL POWER YEAH. Also her hats and outfits in general are just so ridiculous and wonderful, I keep getting distracted and missing the dialogue because I’m processing the fronds and feathers extending from her head.

quietly imagines her playing baseball in this outfit

Gladys and Betty went to the burlesque show because that’s just what lesbros do. Unfortunately, Betty is in a shitty mood and it seems like nothing will ever put a smile on her face. Until…

Oh, honey. If that ain’t love, I don’t know what is.

After the show, Ivan runs up to Kate because he’s been enlightened by Our Lady Beyonce, who once said that if one likes it, one should put a ring on it. Ivan proposes to Kate.

I just… I don’t know. You pull all these misogynistic stunts today and act like we should be ready to see you as a changed man just because you got off on your girl’s song choice? I’m not behind this situation, dude. I’m not okay with it for a lot of reasons, but I’m especially not okay with it after Ivan’s bullshittery during the entire episode.

Kate says yes.

Baby you were doing so well! With the telling Ivan to sit the fuck down, and the reclaiming of your sexuality, and all that good stuff. I know why you did it, I do. I just feel like hitching yourself to this crapwagon is just about the worst thing you can do for yourself in the long run, honey. Blargh.

Over at Marco’s house, all his friends have left and Marco is performing his own burlesque routine. I shit you not. Marco, my heterobro. Also, before they go all the way, HE ACQUIRES CONSENT. Marco fucking Moretti, ladies and gentlemen.

I DON’T SEE NOTHIN WRONG WITH A LIL BUMP N GRIND

Donald gives Lorna more shit in the canteen, so she dumps her lunch on him. When he goes to fight back, every woman in the canteen stands up, food ready.

Lorna and Rosie get sloshed and bond about feminism and being awesome and stuff like that.

you wanna get some late in life experimenting out of the way?

The episode ends with Lorna getting a raise, Betty getting a loan, and Kate still being engaged to Ivan. Call me whenever that stops. Until next time, Bombshells of Glory.

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