Do I Have To Go To My Friend’s Improv Shows?

Q

I have a good friend who is an aspiring comic. I’ve gone to many of her shows in the past. She recently joined an improv group and they put on monthly shows on Friday nights. I prefer to stay in on Fridays and chill, but she’s made it crystal clear to me that my attendance is expected, so I went one time. I thought that would squash the conversation, but instead she continues to invite me quite aggressively.  Am I breaking a social code by not going?

A:

Summer: Heeeeeey. I once had a neighbour who invited me to his gigs and then queried me afterward about the times I didn’t show up. Terrible feeling.

Do you have to go? No. It might occur at the expense of your friendship. But is your friendship incredible in other areas? Because I would not be okay with my friends roping me into their business endeavours without my enthusiastic interest. I don’t care if it’s an MLM, their new social media thing, or the arts. I don’t think it’s fair to push friends into participating in one’s business endeavours. In fact, if a business model is so reliant on the participation of loved ones, that’s often a sign that it’s unsustainable. It’s how MLMs and ailing bands operate. If a business has any real shot, it needs much more income and support than what an immediate circle can provide. I mean, I’m not here asking my parents to sub to my OnlyFans, am I?

Valerie: One one hand, going to a show once a month, or even every other month, to support a friend doesn’t seem like that big of an ask to me. But on the other hand, improv is SO specific and trying to force someone to go regularly if they are not into improv is actually kind of diabolical. And as a performer, I’m not sure why you would want someone who didn’t love improv in your improv audience. I think if this was literally anything else besides improv, I would be a little more on the line here, but since it IS improv – and an improv troupe, so not even just an individual show of your friend – I think it’s a little unreasonable for her to expect you to be there every time. There are also other ways to support her show without going; repost her posts about it on social, tell friends about it who DO like improv, etc. Do they have merch? You could buy merch. If she’s a close enough friend, hopefully you can tell her, “I can’t commit to coming to every one of your improv shows, but I’ll support you however I can!” and she’ll understand.

Ashni: You do not need to go to your friend’s improv shows every month! I say this as a person who (briefly) used to do improv! You’ve been to one show already, which is kind of you, but you do not need to be there every month. This friend is a good friend, so maybe going a couple times per year (once a season! A seasonal improv moment!) could be a good way to balance how you like to spend your Fridays and also continuing to show your support for your friend. I’d personally invent an excuse lol because I hate confrontation. But improv monthly is a hard sell, and even if your friend is a fantastic improviser, there’s no guarantee that the show will consistently be good. And also, it’s not how you prefer to spend your Fridays.

Nico: It feels like comedians have So Many Shows and I think that’s just the nature of things. I think it’s also fine for them to promote their gigs, but not for people to pressure friends to come to every single show. You can show your friend my answer if it helps.

Your friend is the one breaking a social code by pressuring you, to be honest. I think it’s fine to back off and either not address it but just not show or to tell them outright that you’ll make the ones you can, when you can, but that with your schedule it stresses you out to be pressured like this.

I WANT MY BOOKS BACK

Q

I’m very precious about my books and I am always pre-ordering and investing a lot in new hardcovers and such. I arrange my bookshelves very precisely. I have a friend who often borrows books and doesn’t return them, and my wife thinks it is a)rude of me to pursue her to return them because I already read them so I don’t *need* them back  And b)rude of me to consider not continuing to lend books to this person.  She thinks we have too many books in the house anyways. What do you think?

A

Summer: You’re gonna get some real spirited answers from the Autostraddle crowd here. I’m the least bookish of the group and I’m offended on your behalf.

Look, my view is that your wife considers your books to be a form of low storage efficiency entertainment. Like they’re once-off entertainment endeavours that take up more space than they should. ‘This could have been an email’ but for literature. She’s not seeing them for what they are: A source of joy (both in reading and organising), an interest that’s probably quite meaningful to you, and importantly: YOUR PROPERTY. When you lend out property to someone with an agreement that it should be returned, IT SHOULD BE RETURNED.

Even in the absence of emotional attachments to books, you’re right to want property returned. And you’re right to not want to lend to an unreliable person. A decade ago, I lent a book that meant quite a bit to me to someone. I owned three books at the time (not bookish), so this meant a lot. She was a close friend. I lent her my signed copy. She never returned it. No feedback. No evidence that she read it. She upped and moved away and that was that. I’m pissed to this day. She has tried to reconnect. I’ve brushed her off every time. The end.

Valerie: Okay yes I have big book-specific opinions about this because I am, indeed, a book nerd, but even taking it outside of books specifically: you paid money for those things, they are your things, and they are not cheap! Of course you want them back! Would your wife lend someone a baking dish and then not worry about asking for it back because technically she has more baking dishes?? It’s not like they’re identical! You need that specific baking dish for specific recipes! Ask for your stuff back!!

Also, as someone with ADHD who sometimes has to ask a friend before we hang out, “Do I have anything of yours I’m supposed to bring back?” because hell if I’ll remember, your friend almost definitely isn’t cackling over a pile of your books like a dragon with a stolen hoard. She probably just forgot they were yours, or hasn’t read them yet. I don’t think it’s rude to be like, “Hey I was just dusting my bookshelf and remembered I leant you x, y, z books, have you had a chance to read them yet?” It sounds like your friend is bookish since she’s using you like a library (with consent, so far) so she likely understands the value of getting your books back and owning books you already read in a way your wife doesn’t seem to. Seeing books you’ve read on your bookshelf can evoke the feelings that book gave you when you read it, which is a beautiful thing; not to mention the satisfaction of collecting all the books in a series, or having books you want to re-read someday. Sure, there are rude WAYS to ask for a book back or stop lending books to someone, but it is not inherently rude to kindly ask for your property back, and it’s not unreasonable to stop lending books to someone who has proved unreliable in the past.

Nico: Books are…historically and for some curious reason related to human nature, a specific item that more often than not is borrowed and never makes it back to its owner. It’s almost mythical. Anatole France, a writer who died in 1924, said “Never lend books, for no one ever returns them; the only books I have in my library are books that other folks have lent me.” Which, well, implies that he benefited as much from the practice as he gave to it. So, it’s a funny thing.

On Reddit, multiple users agree that they don’t expect books back after borrowing them, while others have established structures for making sure their books find their way back. I’ve known couples with elaborate spreadsheets that track their personal libraries (in part so they don’t buy doubles of books and so they know which books they’re looking to acquire) that could be easily used to also track borrows, or, for a more analog approach, you could get a book stamp and mark the books as yours as a nice little reminder about getting them returned.

Sometimes people are incredibly slow readers and just need a reminder that you lent them a book and also that you want to talk to them about it! I think it’s okay to prompt someone to finish a book so that you two can talk about it, personally. After all, you shared it for a reason. In the future, if you have expectations about books being back to you within a certain period of time, I would just voice those expectations when you lend the book.

As for your wife, I do not think that decluttering via allowing your spouse’s items to be borrowed and never returned is a good method. If you two need to declutter your things, that is an up front conversation you can have together.

Newly Sweaty Guy Needs Help

Q

I used to almost never sweat or think about sweat (sorry! i know that’s a flex!!! but don’t worry, I get it NOW). Since starting T I’ve started sweating all the time. Like. All the time. And I live in texas so this is a YEAR ROUND ISSUE. What are the t boys using to curb sweat or just make it so I don’t have to change my shirt three times a day? And chaffing solutions for my legs?!

A

Summer: I’m on the t-girl side of things, but I survived male puberty, adolescence, and young adulthood. I was where you are now, and when I transitioned, I got the body you described in your opening sentence. And… yeah. Testosterone causes that characteristically masculine body odour. It might even have been affirming at first, but it becomes a drag soon. I had bad body odour in my teens and physiologically, your body might be going through similar.

What I will say is… experiment with different products and don’t be afraid of aluminium as an ingredient. The ‘smell’ you’re getting is a combination of skin secretions and what happens when secretions are left on the surface and bacteria undergo their natural metabolic processes. You can curb it with antiperspirants, which reduce sweating. Note that deodorants and antiperspirants are not always the same thing. Deodorants don’t necessarily reduce sweat production by design. Antiperspirants do. Look for antiperspirants with aluminium, which is effective at temporarily blocking those pores.

Also, consider unscented or low-scent products when still experimenting. Scents and parfum can change dramatically in contact with our natural skin chemistry. You won’t get a ‘fair’ evaluation of effectiveness if the scent is in the way. Sometimes, scents can make you smell different in an unpleasant way and you won’t know until you’ve used it. Roll-on products too. Roll-on applies more thickly than spray, especially since most people spray incorrectly. Roll-on products give you control over where and how you apply and you can apply more thickly to cover the area.

Otherwise… uh, you have my condolences. I hope you’re living the best life you can and transition goes beautifully for you, but I do not miss my own smell from that era.

Kylo: Literally me. I NEVER used to sweat and since starting T I’m sweating for the first time, like water dripping down my chest. My favorite deo right now (honestly I switch it up a lot) is Ursa Major Hoppin’ Fresh. It’s the best one I’ve found that is both natural and effective — it smells really minty and so I find it covers my sweat smell for a good while. That said, if I’m going to a party I use an aluminium based deodorant, because I don’t want everyone to hate me. I also find a morning cold shower really helps. Maybe this is an annoying thing to say but I’ve also started to lean in to the affirmation of it. There is something satisfying about sweating and I’ve started to accept it a little more as part of my boyhood future.

Nico: I’m not currently on T, but I exercise in the heat and sweat a lot, so this is something I’m not unfamiliar with. A couple of things to try! You mentioned chafing: powders are great for this. I have some from Lush I’ll put on my body before like…a big day of hiking. I’ll leave it up to you to find a brand and scent and configuration that work for you, but there’s really nothing like a powder for stopping chafing.

As for just being a sweaty boy, people I know who sweat a lot just bring changes of clothes and deal with it that way. I have a friend who brings three changes of clothes when doing a block of Muay Thai classes…literally changing in between classes. You might just need to start factoring this into your routine. In hotter climates like Texas, you might want to shower twice a day — not necessarily long showers, but enough to soap up and rinse down.

Finally, to help deal with odor, you can use an alum crystal bar all over your body. It’s anti-microbial. I would also experiment with soaps to see if there are scents or brands you feel have a longer lasting effect for you. Everyone’s body is different, so you’ll need to find what works for you.

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