I’m Not Sure I Want To Do This Again
Q
Recently had VERY hot sex with my girlfriend in our gym bathroom. It was late, and the locker room was empty. She wants to do something like that again. Here’s the thing: public sex REALLY skeeves me out. Even during that gym sex I assumed if someone came into the area we were in, we’d stop. We did hear the door open once and paused, but the person seemed to come and go, and then we got back to it. She found that moment especially hot, as she explained it, the idea of maybe getting caught was titillating. I said in general public sex isn’t something I’m comfy with. She said gay guys fuck at the gym all the time, why can’t we? I don’t think this is true! Is it? Would love tips on a “right way” to do public sex so we can both get what we want without harming others.
A:
Summer: Well call me stuck-up, but I think that sexual activity isn’t appropriate in any setting where a non-consenting party may reasonably accidentally become involved. A gym bathroom is a place where non-consenting people could reasonable show up and be exposed to sexual activity they didn’t consent to. That’s not okay in my books. I’m with you about feeling skeeved out.
More importantly, I think it’s concerning that your girlfriend’s exhibitionist streak finds the idea of being ‘caught’ titillating. Yeah, it’s a common fantasy and a fixture in porn. But that doesn’t mean it’s okay in real life. And the fact that she especially enjoys the potential of being caught means she gets pleasure from the prospect of people being exposed to her sexuality without consent. I’m not saying that she’s trying to sexually harass people, but I am not cool with her thought process.
And… there are some places and some subcultures where men hook up or cruise in gym bathrooms. That doesn’t make it moral or legal. It’s definitely still illegal. And just because other people are doing something wrong doesn’t mean it’s fine for you to jump in… right?
Ashni: Yeah, as titillating as the idea of getting caught might be for your girlfriend, I can almost guarantee no one wants to accidentally walk in on people having sex. There’s no way for people to consent to that in a public gym setting. Also, it sounds like you’re not comfy with the idea of public sex, anyway! She’s right about some gay men hooking up in the gym sauna, but I don’t think that makes it okay. If she wants to have sex around others, maybe a sex party? This way she can feed her exhibitionist desires in a room full of consenting adults. Or I guess y’all could go camping in a really secluded, remote spot and have sex under the stars. Could be cute.
Nico: Yeah, gay guys do fuck at the gym all the time. I’ve had friends open up Sniffies in front of me and show me the like, congregation of profiles in the various gym bathrooms (it works like a map for cruising where you can see peoples’ profiles by current location). That isn’t to say everyone’s doing it — just that it’s relatively commonplace. However, in terms of actual serious consequences, I’m not a lawyer and this is not legal advice, but many people do not know you can catch charges that escalate to having consequences as dire as having to be registered as a sex offender — which you REALLY do not want.
On top of that, when it comes to a public space that is not explicitly for sex — like a club or a party — you’re right that other people present did not consent to being a part of your sex-having. Luckily, the “right way” is pretty easy. You can see if your area has any swinger/kink/sex clubs, if there are any bathhouses with gender-inclusive nights, or if there are any local kink parties (the latter usually requires a vetting process). Start asking around and good luck!
How Do I Feel Sexy With Long Covid?
Q
hello, i have long covid, just like so many other queer people! and i’m fatigued and my heart rate is all out of whack and i get post exertional malaise (a worsening of my symptoms) if i over exert myself too much. but i’m still horny and alive!!! and i need to figure out how to have sex and practice bdsm within my new limitations. i’m a switch but obvs have been tending more towards ‘lying there looking pretty’ recently which is getting boring fast. do you guys have any tips/tricks or resources to signpost to about how to navigate sex and bdsm from a chronic fatigue perspective? how to feel powerful and toppy and in control despite the fact my body feels like a limp noodle…etc?
A
Nico: This is definitely possible! For one, I would invite partners and friends to brainstorm with you. For another, I think that getting into talking, commanding, instructing — these are going to be skills that you can use that won’t use up as much physical energy that will allow you to embrace your top side. I would also encourage you to explore toys — harnesses, vibrators — that help take some of the exertion off of you. People into BDSM love devices! And custom devices of all kinds! As an example of topping vocally while not overdoing it physically: you could cuff a partner’s arms behind her back, lie down with a strap-on / your genitalia / whatever toy, guide her on top, and tell her how to ride you while you don’t mess up your heart rate, you know? I think it will take some creativity and obviously conversations with your partners about what feels hot to each of you, but there are certainly ways to be toppy, switchy, exploratory that don’t involve the kinds of intense physical exertion that aren’t working for you. Also, as you pointed out, so many queer people have long covid, and that means that this is likely a conversation many other people need to have. I wasn’t able to find a place online where this conversation is taking place, but you could do some digging around Reddit for starters. If anything, you’re doing others a service by asking this question here in the first place!
Summer: One of the hardest things to do when you have a new bodily impairment is to tamper down on the default urge to maximize your performance. Or even to try and maintain that previous level of performance in all domains of life. Because your body can no longer sustain it. This could be a temporary, semi-permanent, or permanent state of things. No matter how long the long COVID might last, I think it’s best to slow down early and adapt to your personal state of things.To which I also say: I think sex can take a slower pace now. Nico’s advice to focus on the verbal and quite literally use sexual devices as assistive devices is a great point. My contribution on that front is to see if service-oriented D/S dynamics have a place in your life. Dynamics that focus on bringing comfort, care, and service to the dominant party (mainly you) in a slower-paced setting. Things like running baths or washing a partner in the shower. A submissive partner giving blindfolded massages with some lightweight touching. Slow, eating out that you can control verbally. Acts that position you as a person who is worthy of care and should be cared for could both support your physical and mental needs right now and augment existing D/S models.
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I think in the public sex question there are two separate issues. First of all, whether LW wants it and is comfortable with it in their own sex life. Second, if it is okay to have (semi-)public sex at all. LW, if this is something your partner desires and you don’t, that could just be a fundamental mismatch in your sexualities. That’s okay!!! You don’t need to feel forced to do it. I also think there are other options than dressing rooms that might both please her need for exhibitionism and your need for… Not-Exhibitionism. Like others already suggested, spaces specifically designed for public sex are a good option. Other ideas that are higher-risk than that but lower-risk than a gym dressing room are: in a car parked very far away from civilization, in a public restroom that locks, in the woods a decent distance away from a trail, in cruising spots, like Ashni said while camping… BUT AGAIN, only if you are into it. You do not need to be into it. It is also completely unclear from the letter if the girlfriend just gets off on the risk of it or if she ACTUALLY WANTS TO GET CAUGHT. I think it would be good if LW and their gf talked about this and found out exactly what the girlfriend wants in this scenario.
There is no reason to take this question that is fundamentally about people’s personal sexual preferences and take it to a place of “Umm, this is wrong because it is illegal”, as if legality and morality are interchangeable in a world where queer people’s sex lives and health care are more often than not criminalized. This is such fucking bullshit. I agree that it’s a dick move to purposefully //want// unsuspecting strangers to walk in on you having sex in a very non-sexual, hard-to-avoid enclosed space like a gym bathroom, but there are ways to have public sex that do not bother anyone (except if people come looking to be bothered) and it is a hallmark of queer sexuality. Gay men do it, dykes do it, and stigmatizing it and getting ~concerned~!!!!! that someone likes it sounds conservative as fuck. Not every public sex avenue is a gym bathroom. LW’s girlfriend has options for living her best public sex life. See also: this autostraddle article from 2012 called “Public Sex is My Radical Sex” @ autostraddledot com slash public-sex-is-radical-sex-134701.
Listen as a person who’s had loads of public sex, yes you chance being caught and being caught by law enforcement. Who may or may not ask you if you are consenting adults or not. I’ve only been caught by a deputy once, right after the fact and it was embarrassing for both of us. I’d for sure talk to the GF and get a little more insight into what they want and why. Public sex can be fun but it can also get old. I enjoyed it a lot more when I was in my 20s.
Oh yeah, I think getting caught is generally not what people want but getting caught by law enforcement sounds absolutely nightmarish, and depending on where you are and what your social position is it could have not just awkward but also seriously life-ruining ramifications.