Quick, dry brush of the lips.

That’s how you kissed your high school boyfriend? I asked.

Yes, they confirmed. But again, not often.

I laughed. No tongue?

They made a face. No, thank god.

Hm, I said. Show me again.

I, to the shock of no one, had no high school boyfriend. No one to practice with furtively. No interest in doing so. There was something wrong with me for this, I knew, but it was easy enough to demure under the guise of saving myself for marriage — my first kiss was included in that. I was high-handed and smug in my purity. The only reason I do not feel guilty for this, and occasionally the lapsed Baptist does make me feel guilty for everything, was that there was darkness lurking just behind the corner for me.

One touch and I was lost forever. Pathetic. The only things I knew were pulled from fanfictions so dank and disgusting I had no business reading them, though I certainly enjoyed the experience. I knew nothing but my own ignorance, and thus let myself be led, Isaac on the mountain, a lamb to slaughter.

But this isn’t really about me, is it?

Despite this relatively late start, I feel that I learned quickly, especially when it came to using my mouth. I genuinely like kissing, something that, given the broader strokes of my personality, either surprises people or confirms something about me to them. I don’t mind either reaction; both make sense to me.

Something that doesn’t, however, is being a bad kisser. Perhaps this is naive of me, but recently I have found myself shocked and horrified by the seeming EPIDEMIC of inarticulate kissers in the world.

Recently, when a friend described to me how a date had kissed her, I said: If someone kissed me like that, I would think they hated me.

She laughed, and so did I, but we both felt troubled.

Which is why, like any good essayist, I decided to put thoughts on paper.

The Phones

Far be it for me to blame it all on the phones… actually, that sounds exactly like something I would do. But seriously, the phones are killing our brains, our attention spans, our ability to communicate in the actual, living breathing space. There is plenty of intimacy to be had in text messages (my multiple daily correspondences are proof of this), but I do fear any dependence on the technology. I supplement my texts with calls and FaceTimes and an awareness of the addictive tendencies that the companies who provide me these luxuries want to breed. Is it any coincidence that one of the worst kissers I have ever kissed was obviously in the throes of a constant battle between paying attention to me and having a conversation in their VR headset, TikTok, Instagram, and the like? I think not.

To be a good kisser is to be a focused and embodied one, not a distractible presence.

COVID

There’s historical precedence for the epidemic of bad kissers in many ways, but I cannot help but recall the (ongoing) pandemic as a large part of the blame. Not only did the poorly managed shutdown and quarantine give rise to antisocial tendencies (more on that later), but it also presented a real and present danger to the act of kissing. In March 2020, I was living in the suburbs of Tuscaloosa, in a mean old bitch’s attic, and I was not kissing ANYONE. Nor was I even thinking of it, so painful did the idea of falling ill appear to me.

Plus, for many of us, this real and present danger is being ignored and lived around in a desperate grab for normalcy (alongside systemic governmental failures). This, and how it impacts our dating lives, as well as the acts we perform within this life, is something that cannot be ignored, not if we want to be better kissers, that is.

The Rise of Antisocial Tendencies

The pandemic, for me, is only one leg that props up the rise of antisocial tendencies. The phones, of course, are another, but in general, I am greatly concerned by the ways in which our society, already built on the lie of individualism, is rapidly shifting to a kind of antisocial behavior that speaks directly to, and enforces, fascism.

You see it everywhere, in every TikTok and Instagram therapist’s oeuvre — you don’t owe other people anything. Other people’s feelings aren’t your problem. Who cares what your neighbor’s name is, or if they need a cup of sugar, you deserve to rot!

And yet, community, especially in these times, and in the queer experience, is all we have. We do owe each other kindness, and communication, and warmth.

We owe each other good kisses.

Conservatism

Conservatism does not simply appear in MAGA Republicans or a relative who has been brainwashed by the YouTube algorithm, but in our attitudes towards ourselves and each other. Conservatism, as an ideology, stretches much further than the so-called two party system we are saddled with and instead is easily embodied by the previously established rise of anti-social tendencies and individualism. To be a bad kisser, is, in no small way, to be inherently concerned with conservatism. By this I mean an obsession with “tradition,” gender roles, societal standards of the body, and the like.

I can say, only a little tongue in cheek, that being a bad kisser is fascist. Notice that I write here “bad” and not inexperienced. Inexperienced kissers are not bad kissers inherently and can quickly become good kissers if they are open to listening, learning, and, most importantly, experiencing.

Using Tongue

Using tongue, in this case, means being open to the full experience of good kissing. I do not mean to imply that you have to use tongue in order to experience a good kiss, nor do you have to enjoy the sensation, simply that part of being a good kisser, and receiving a good kiss, is the ability to be in conversation with your partner (or partners). Pay attention to their likes and dislikes. Before the kiss, make it known that your attention is on them. Let yourself be led, or in turn, take the lead. Let the sensations wash over you, and let your reactions show. Forget to be embarrassed. Let yourself embrace the messiness of the kiss, but also of life.

Caveats

The dating world is brutal, it’s true. The apps suck. There are a thousand thinkpieces each month bemoaning the lack of normalcy in behavior of people on dates. Not everyone likes kissing. But remember, kissing, in this case, can be used as a stand in for any kind of pro-social behavior and connection. Kissing is an act of resistance, a desire to live a full, queer life. Cutting oneself off from others is just another way that they win. Plus, some of the best kisses I have ever had have come out of the wild blue yonder, surprising the hell out of me. And, of course, the best kissers I have ever met have been, unsurprisingly, good friends and good citizens of the world at large. They wore their desires outwardly and articulated them thus. A closed mouth, it seems, does not get fed.

Or kissed.