How Do I Pretend To Like Meetings So I Can Get a Raise?
Q
At my job my boss laid out very clear expectations for what needed to happen for me to get a raise and I did hit all of those marks, numbers and expectations. But when I sat down with HR to discuss my performance, she said I need to show up with more positive energy and contribute more in meetings to get my raise.
Most of my coworkers are friends with each other, and I’m not in their friend group. That’s fine with me, I don’t really want a group of straight friends. But it just feels like, in meetings, they simply want to hear each other talk more than they want to hear me talk. Also if I have something to add, I do add it. But most of our meetings could be an email, and I’d like to get back to my tasks for the day, rather than speaking just for the sake of it. I’m not an outgoing person in general, and have often struggled with small talk. But now this seems to be getting in the way of me getting a raise, which I need. I feel like I need to get over myself and just put on a performance to get my raise. How?
A:
Valerie: Sadly in the corporate circus, you do have to fake it ’til you make it. In meetings, make sure you’re sitting up and looking alert, either with a notebook or a laptop open to a note-taking page. Nod along as people talk, be sure to seem like your attention is on whoever is speaking even if your brain sounds like Minions wailing in distress inside. Make sure to not be on your phone or sending other emails during the meeting, even the ones that are a waste of time. And unfortunately if this is something your company values, you have to lean in and sometimes say things that will feel wasteful to you and like they don’t contribute meaningfully to the conversation, like vocally agreeing with what someone else says. “I agree with So-and-So because x and y.” Or ask follow up questions that support what someone said, just rephrasing their idea back to them. For example, if someone says “We should x and y,” you can be like “oh right because if we y than z!” to reaffirm them. Keep speaking up when you actually do have things to add, those are definitely going to be the MOST valuable moments, but also try to just chime in sometimes to be noticed. Even if it’s just during the chit-chat portion of the meeting, if everyone else is participating. (Meaning don’t butt into random side conversations, but if the whole room is chatting, you should be chatting, too.) Whatever you say doesn’t have to be deep, and you don’t have to befriend them outside of the meetings or anything, you just have to leave a positive impression in the meetings. No one will remember what you said, but when it comes time for reviews and surveys, they’ll remember the impression you made and the general feeling that you’re a team player. It sucks and it’s fake but unfortunately that’s the world of business for you.
Summer: Gods, I hate corporate unculture so much. This grates my autistic brain because you were set very obvious criteria for a raise. That implies an agreement with conditions. You met their conditions and they failed to meet you in turn.
You’ve got two major paths here. Acquiescence or friction. Friction being to take it up with HR and actively oppose the unfair conditions that are imposed on you. It’s the ‘right’ thing to do, but not the easiest or beneficial one. If it goes wrong, you’d end up risking your reputation with HR. And since they’re clearly not willing to abide by their word, reputation is all you have.
It sounds like you’ve chosen to acquiesce, which is not a black mark on you as a person. It stains your workplace for not upholding agreements to you and recognizing your obvious skills. But giving into some of the demands of workplace unculture to put on a more ‘positive’ front? That’s well-within the bounds of okay-ish and tolerable behavior. Retail workers and sex workers do it as a job requirement. It’s not the worst ask, but being autistic, I detest having to put on a mask for other people’s enjoyment. If the workplace wants a clown to bring in some cheer, they can hire one.
(tone: hateful) Since you’re stuck in a neurotypical workplace, here are my pragmatics to try and make this work.
- Practice small-talk topics while using the opportunity to lean in and show interest in people’s topic of conversation.
- Make small but calculated adjustments to your body language in meetings to appear more friendly. A couple items from this image can help.
- You don’t have to ‘fake it until you make it’.
Yeah, us autistics have been doing this shit for so long we have diagrams for it. Everything should have diagrams.
I think it’s more helpful to recognise your coworkers’ brand of personhood. While I vehemently oppose your HR person’s stance on your performance, your coworkers are probably innocent and just acting by default. There’s value to seeing their interest in small-talk and yapping as practical symbols of workplace camaraderie. They want to talk at length with each other because it serves their social unity. They drag out their meetings because it’s a chance to socialize, not because they wish to avoid unnecessary socialization. They thrive in communicative flexibility while you and I may thrive in communicative order. It may soften your view to see that your coworkers aren’t doing this because they’re foolish or inefficient people. They’re doing this because this brings value to their life.
Oh, and if you sit in meetings, a good middle-ground seating position is feet pointed at the current primary speaker or most important person (we often do this unconsciously already). Back straight, eyes toward the speaker (look level to their eyes but to the side if you can’t handle eye contact, don’t look below or above them). Tilt your head slightly when listening to feign interest, and take ‘notes’. And good luck.
Ashni: Ohhhhh I feel this so hard. I hate meetings, and I do firmly believe that most meetings could be emails. But there’s so much performance that’s part of Corporate Culture, and unfortunately, the people who talk the loudest are the ones who often get promoted the most. One sneaky little thing that might work for you is offering to run the next team meeting, if that’s an option for you. It’ll automatically give you visibility because you get to run the meeting, and you’ll have ample opportunity to talk. But yeah, I would speak up whenever you can! If you can set a goal for yourself to talk at least once or twice in a meeting, that might be a good start. And yes, I am well aware of how silly and performative all of this is, but I want you to get this raise!
Em: Summer wrote this much more eloquently, but to reiterate—is such BS and makes me want to scream at all these people you work with. As a neurodivergent introvert, I’ve been experiencing this my whole life – from school days up to just last week my co-worker messaged me saying I looked “over it” and should probably fix my face so my supervisors don’t look down on me.
Your experience—all our collective experiences—is not a reflection of you in the slightest. It’s a reflection of unspoken socio-political workplace rules. Just like high school, if you don’t fit in, you don’t get to be cool. In this case, cool means more money so it’s very much not cool. You deserve that raise, and if I were in your position I would probably push back. I say this only because I’ve taken the path of least resistance before and it ruined my mental health completely. I essentially ended up forced out of my job despite acquiescing the life out of myself. It was a lose-lose. I feel like all corporate culture is a lose-lose. If you fight it, go in with receipts and try to find an ally. If you go with the flow, give them the same smiley BS back in meetings. Compliment them, make a comment about the weather, or even just ask a question. People love to feel like other people think they’re interesting, so the best I got is cater to people’s egos.
Nico: It is very true that you have to conform to the cultural expectations of your workplace if you want to be taken seriously and given more opportunities. It might be helpful to assume that other people are equally aware of the game — they’re just playing it. My advice, in addition to that of my colleagues above, is just to gamify the meeting experience. Make sure you’re engaging and talking to different people each time, and on the plus side, you can also take this opportunity to get to know your coworkers a little better. Try to remember the little details about other folks for future small talk, too. And don’t forget to check your body language before you enter the room! Good posture, soft smile, engaging eyes, all that. Keep your body language open, not closed off, during the meeting, nod, write things down, and as others pointed out — ask questions. Now, as for the game — can you institute a reward system for yourself for performing in meetings? It’s a thing that sucks for you, so can you get yourself a little treat after? Are you able to schedule time to go for a walk by yourself after meetings, perhaps? Giving yourself space to emotionally reset after having to be “on” might help you both be able to maintain this facade, while also not burning out. As far as tracking with the plan to engage HR or higher-ups at any point, I don’t think this kind of thing tends to work out, especially if you’re not part of the “in” group. Finally, I know they’re straight and you don’t need more straight friends, but if you can make yourself get drinks or coffee outside of work with some of them, it might go a long way toward how you feel in the office environment. This is all said assuming that your Number One Goal is getting a raise, and not, you know, taking on the entire office culture of your corporation. It seems disingenuous because American corporate culture is disingenuous, and that’s not your fault. It’s just a different set of rules to learn and play by.
How Do I Date In a Second Language?
Q
I’m moving across the globe for work, and I want to try and date– but my command of the primary language spoken where I am moving is shaky at best at this point. A lot (but not all) of people there speak English, but it feels rude to make people speak their second (or third!) language with me when *I* am the one who moved there! I’m sure I’ll get better quickly in my second language (I took it in school for ten years after all), but before that happens, what can I do?
A
Valerie: I think you just have to be honest up front. Either on the apps, or on first dates, explain that you’re trying to learn the language but might need to lean on English a bit for a while since you just moved there. Talk to them about their own preferences early, let them decide – maybe they’re working on their English and you can help each other, maybe English is equally as easy to them at this point in their lives as their primary language, and they won’t mind.. Or maybe they DON’T want to speak majority English and either won’t swipe or won’t ask for the second date; as long as you’re clear and honest right away, you won’t be “making” them do anything.
Summer: If there’s only one shared language between two people, using that language isn’t unfair. It’s just sensible. And yeah, there is something to be said about the sociopolitical aspects of what languages we use with whom, but I don’t know if a first date is the time to bring that into focus?
This is one of the few times where my advice is to take it easy on yourself and enjoy life. That’s pretty rich knowing the person I am. But look,, you’re making an active effort to restore your fluency in your second language and improve at it. You want to date. I think that if you make it clear to your dates that you’re trying to work on your language proficiency, there’s nothing wrong with using English as a baseline. Having them teach you a bit of the language might even be a cute date idea…
Nico: You’re just starting out in a new place, and hopefully your command of the primary language where you’re going will get better over time. Just like you would understand if someone didn’t have fluency in English, people will understand that you’re still learning their language. It’s also true that a lot of people study English around the globe, and because of that, it’s going to likely be the shared language you communicate in, at least at first. And while there are broad sociopolitical issues with the predominance of English around the world, on an individual level, you’re just two people going on a date. Also, sadly, I feel like English speakers are known for not being very good with languages…probably especially Americans because our public schooling in non-English languages tends to be pretty poor. What I have found is that people appreciate attempts to abide by local etiquette and attention to politeness as well as patience and friendliness all a great deal, so if you can make sure you have a grasp of those things and how to demonstrate them, like Valerie said, I think you can take it easy on yourself.
And in my experience, going on dates with people who speak English as a second language can be really fun. They often teach me some of their first language, and then are usually delighted or intrigued at some point in the conversation by some idiomatic or just quirky or slang-y way I’ve used English. Plus, in my opinion, you’re a dream addition to the dating pool. You don’t have any local exes yet, no drama — a completely fresh start! Just you know, keep studying, keep trying, be kind to people, and get out there and have fun!
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Q1 – I’m going to give a different perspective here, because I think the focus may be on the wrong thing (meetings, small-talk, fake-it-til-you-make-it), because I strongly suspect you’ve received junk feedback from HR.
In my experience in corporate management roles, there’s three main factors at play when it comes to giving pay rises: 1) how much money is there to give out, 2) how to distribute that money in a way that is going to reward high performance and retain staff, and 3) how well do different managers make the case for their people to get the money.
In this situation, you did all the things you thought you should do to get a raise, but didn’t. Then you were given an excuse from HR that was unrelated to any of the pre-agreed goals – this is likely because they have a rule where they have to give some kind of feedback. In reality, they either haven’t been able to make a case to get the money, or they’ve decided that other people “deserve” a raise more than you do and they are grasping at a plausible-sounding reason as to why that is.
Now, it’s possible that it was really really close between you and other colleagues, and being quiet in meetings genuinely was the deciding factor. Even if that’s true, I would caution against fixating on that too much for a couple of reasons:
1. There’s now a track record where you have done what’s asked and didn’t get a raise. If you address this “feedback” will it really guarantee a raise, or will they find another excuse?
2. While I do think working out how to navigate meetings will make your work life better in general, it’s clear that this is an area that you don’t enjoy and isn’t a strength for you, and you will likely be miserable and drained if you put a lot of energy into this
So, what to do? There’s a few things to consider before working that out.
Firstly, why do you want a raise? Is it mostly a financial thing and you will be struggling without a raise? Is it a sense of fairness because you think/know that colleagues are paid more? Or have you just worked damn hard and want the recognition for it?
Secondly, what’s your commitment to this job and company? Are you looking to have a career here, or is it just a means to an end? Do you feel secure in your employment? Are there outside opportunities?
Thirdly, who are the people you really need to influence in order to get the raise? Is it your coworkers, your boss, someone else?
I’d definitely recommend meeting with your boss to revisit this and see if you can get better feedback on why you didn’t get the raise. If possible, see if you can work out if everyone’s in the same boat and there’s no raises right now but HR didn’t want to admit it.
Assuming your boss is competent, I think it’s worth bringing up why the raise is important to you because it will give them more information to work with. If you need more cash to live, then make that really clear, because then it becomes a retention issue (assuming you feel confident you could get a job elsewhere). I don’t advise a big ultimatum or anything, but some managers don’t wake up to what’s going on with their staff until they think someone might be halfway out the door.
If it’s a recognition issue, then there may be other kinds of funds your boss has available. Even if a raise isn’t on the table, there may be one-off payments they could do (same for retention). If it’s a fairness thing, then this is where you need to work out how you want to differentiate yourself from your peers and overcome biases that exist around established norms and friendship groups.
Consider this: rather than focusing solely on a perceived weakness around meetings, is there something else that you could do that plays to your strengths and would make it really hard for your boss not to give you a raise? If you’re hitting your targets comfortably, are there any side-projects you could pick up, processes you could improve to make everyone’s lives easier etc? Are there people outside of your regular coworkers that you could team up with that could provide a counterpoint to their view? Are there other managers you could do stuff for, so you have more people to advocate for you?
If you plan on sticking around with the company, and it’s relatively large, then I’d really recommend getting a mentor and/or advocate. This is especially important if your line manager isn’t great. It’s really helpful if you have someone that can recognise your capabilities, understands the system at your workplace and can look out for new opportunities for you.
This is sage advice from Sally. There are only a few months left in the year so it’s likely that any pay rises have been locked in already. You could sense check this by asking your boss specifically what you can do between now and the final decision date to change the outcome of the decision and I’ll bet that it becomes clear that no matter what knots you tie yourself in nothing is going to get you this pay rise. Which is horrible. And I’m really sorry you’re in this situation.