My Best Friend Is Shaming Me For Watching Straight Porn
Q
I recently disclosed to my best friend that I watch straight porn and she was massively icked out and now I feel gross and sad. We were having an intimate conversation about porn preferences and I told her something I’ve never told anyone else: that even though I’m a lesbian I watch and get off to stereotypical straight porn sometimes that has certain power dynamics. She literally recoiled and then tried to insinuate this is like rooted in trauma or something fucked up from my past, that it’s not normal for lesbians to watch only straight porn. I felt judged and insecure and tried to walk it back. I feel like she’s questioning my lesbianism. We became best friends in the first place because we were the first lesbians each other knew. It’s why I felt safe telling her.
A:
Riese: We did this massive lesbian sex survey a long while ago which included a whole section on porn. Something like 15k people responded to the survey so it’s a pretty solid group sample-size-wise. 45% of those people —all of them queer women and/or trans people —said they mostly watched straight porn. FORTY FIVE PERCENT. Your friend is just like, profoundly incorrect. Within the group of lesbian-identified people specifically, 41% said they watched straight porn. There are so many reasons for this, but in general there’s not really always a correlation between the porn you watch and the sex you like to have. One thing that came up a lot is that lesbian porn often feels like it was made for straight people anyhow and queer porn that actually has queer people in it tends to cost money (as it should, of course!) and doesn’t just exist on pornhub.
A lot of the porn people watch tends to be more about dynamics rather than gender. Apparently the porn-watching habits of lesbians, in general, tend to go against common wisdom and patterns more easily discernable in other groups. So idk, your friend is wrong and I’m sorry she made you feel that way. I wonder if there’s something else going on with her that she reacted in that way, some nerve you hit. It might be worth asking her — get it out in the open, tell her how her being appalled by you made you feel and dig a little deeper into why she reacted that way.
Summer: Hot damn look at Riese swinging the numbers! I’ll bring a psychosocial perspective since that’s what I’m good for.
Yeah, nah. She’s in the wrong here. For one, it’s just patently uncool and a violation of Girl Code to denigrate a friend who discusses something to you from a place of vulnerability. Especially if that discussion topic doesn’t immediately affect you.
Beyond that, viewing porn that does not conform to your sexual alignment or interests is not inherently a sign of emotional distress, trauma, or even a statement about your sexual alignment. A huge chunk (if not the majority) of fanfic authors who write and get off on M/M fanfic are heterosexual women. Heterosexual men regularly watch porn involving femboys or feminine men. Bisexuals often have a porn preference that doesn’t reflect their actual interest. The thing that binds all of these groups together? Porn is fantasy. Most porn consumers use the content to realise fantasies or indulge in experiences they otherwise don’t need or can’t have.
Whatever your reasons are for watching porn don’t call your sexuality into question any more than a straight girl who reads gay smut is not straight. Your identity is not something that ought to be questioned, especially from someone else who should know better. And it’s not something that requires special justification or living in a specific way to uphold. Gay is not a prestigious, exclusive club. Any club that I’m part of can’t possibly be that cool.
Valerie: I agree with Summer that regardless of her opinions, it is really shitty of your friend to make you feel bad after sharing something so vulnerable and personal! There is no “right” way to be a lesbian or any other label for that matter; in fact, the only way to do it “wrong” is to try to police other people’s identities. This is not what you asked, but something to consider…sometimes the first queer people you meet are great as you first come out, and are who you need to gain the confidence to be you. But as you get older and more and more comfortable with who you are – in ways related to your sexuality and in every other aspect of your life and personality – you’ll learn that “we’re both gay!” is not actually enough to keep a friendship together on its own. And it’s okay to grow out of friendships and grow apart from people, even if they were vital to your journey.
Nico: I’ve known lesbians and queer women who watch straight porn and even who almost exclusively watch gay, cis-dude porn! Like, porn preferences do not necessarily correlate with real-life sexuality. The real question here is what made your friend so okay with making you feel this bad? I’m concerned about someone who would make you feel this way. Maybe this is a friend who you can’t actually have these kinds of conversations with. It might be a good idea to think back on other interactions you’ve had, and to see if you’ve felt like your friend was trying to see and support you for you — or if she just expected you to be exactly like her because you’re both lesbians. That doesn’t mean you have to have a friend breakup or anything, but some friends really are better put in a just-for-fun category, where we trust them with fewer pieces of critical information and also don’t let their opinions carry as much weight.
We Had a Great Threesome. How Can We Have Even More?
Q
My girlfriend and I just had our first threesome with a friend and it was easy and amazing and hot! We are both very monogamous in terms of dating other people or having sex with other people alone but a foursome with a hot couple or a threesome like we had are both super interesting to us… We have both only been in monogamous closed relationships before so this is new territory and I was wondering if any of you have advice for hookups like this to make sure everyone keeps having the the best hottest time.
A
Summer: I’m glad you had such a great time <3. My go-to here is to get your communicatin’ gloves on. Even though you’ve been monogamous until now, something’s happened to change that set of facts. There may be some ambiguity at the moment about what we are but you need to establish ground rules before ambiguity becomes confusion. In your position, I’d highly recommend a what we are now conversation that establishes rules and intentions for your new non-monogamous relationship. Or if necessary, to leave it as a one-and-done thing and return to monogamy. No matter what you both want out of it, your intentions and feelings should be clarified.
Riese: Yeah just set up some expectations and boundaries! Once you’ve had great sex with someone —even a third person, as a couple —that dynamic lingers and can inspire future flirtation and sexual tension whenever you’re around them. Maybe that means you don’t want to hook up with people you’re going to be around a lot, but if you are, prepare for that, even for the possibility that one of you may have a stronger connection with that third than the other. What kind of behavior is ok when you are not actively having sex? Do you want to have one-night stands with thirds or couples, or incorporate someone else into the relationship more regularly? How deep are you willing to get with these external people? You know, stuff like that!
Submit your own advice questions right here!
AF members get the benefit of having your advice questions answered by the team. We do our best to answer every question, which is like, 99% of them — very rarely do they stump us. Questions remain anonymous!
You can send questions on any topic, at any time. Submit those questions into the AF+ Contact Box which we’ve also embedded here:AF+ Contact & Advice Inbox
