It’s just your body, and you can’t help it!
Q
I am sort of new to the queer world so I hope I get this right but okay, I’m skinny and I know that a lot of privilege comes with being skinny. Now that I have mostly gay friends, and dating girls and nonbinary people and everything, it’s weird because it feels like people are sort of mean to me about it? My friends who are curvy, everybody is always telling them how smoking hot they are, in real life and on social media, while people think because I am skinny I don’t need validation too. My friend was like ‘Ew I can see all of your ribs’ in a swimsuit. The way my gay friends talk to me about my body is almost like they think it is gross. But it’s just my body, I can’t help it!
I brought this up to a friend who is a body positivity activist just casually like do you think skinny people need body positivity too and she rolled her eyes and was like ‘I think you guys are ok.’ But I feel like maybe this is just the price I pay. I’m white and I don’t care when people say mean things about white people. But somehow the skinny stuff feels different. Maybe it isn’t. Sorry if I have offended anybody, but do you think I should stick up for myself or just swallow it? Would love to hear from not-skinny people what they think especially.
A
Summer: You’re living through the reason I lean toward body neutrality rather than any form of body positivity. A lot of body positivity hinges on transferring value judgements that were once levelled at certain bodies to other bodies, usually more marginalized ones. This frequently includes transferring a lexicon of dismissal and downright bullying alongside it. I’m all about flipping the script to expose societal issues, but when people’s self-esteem is at stake, it’s too risky.
While body positivity approaches are aimed at recognising the validity and beauty of different (especially marginalized) physiques, make no mistake. They are still concerned with applying value judgements to those bodies. The push is just for positive value judgements rather than historically negative ones. In doing so, it’s terribly easy for people to lose sight of how their cause is not helped by prejudicial remarks against other people. And when these remarks target something that is quite literally embodied, it’s very painful.
I empathise with you. I’ve always been very thin and the fact that thinness comes with some societal privileges and perks, that by no means frees up from the burden of society’s gaze. If you have a body, it will be scrutinized. And yes, I think you should stick up for yourself, but try to do so from the same activist frameworks other people are using to try and delegitimize your concerns. And if that’s not enough… you need better friends. Good friends support each other, after all.
Valerie: On one hand, as a fat person, I sort of understand where your friend was coming from when she said “I think you guys will be fine,” because literally all media is skinny body positivity. Thinness is celebrated (at an alarming rate) everywhere you look; on TV, in movies, on social media. There are skinny people everywhere, including but not limited to on every red carpet, in every magazine, in every commercial. That said, swinging things the other way and ONLY complimenting bigger bodies won’t solve anything either; or worse, criticizing skinny bodies. I ran into this recently on this very website when I wrote about Ariana Grande and Cynthia Erivo in a Pop Culture Fix and some commenters decided to criticize their bodies, despite Ariana having literally given interviews explicitly stating how harmful she finds it when people are constantly commenting about her body. Over-criticizing can be harmful no matter who it’s wielded at and I’m with Summer on the concept of body neutrality. I personally only think actual bodies should be complimented on when it has to do with something someone chose – they ran a marathon they trained for, they got a haircut they love, they got a tattoo they’re proudly showing off. Otherwise people should be complimenting (or hell even criticizing) outfits and accessories and makeup looks, not actual bodies.
Nico: I’m with Summer and Valerie on this. It’s not okay that your friends make digs about your body, and you should call them out on that. A simple “that was mean — ouch” might be helpful to correct in the moment, and also you might need to have a bigger talk with some folks who do this with some frequency. This is also hard for me to wrap my head around because I never and no one I hang out with ever makes comments that are that heavily specific about each others’ bodies. So, this doesn’t feel normal or okay. Like Valerie has said, things bodies do — athletic achievements and such, things like completing a long hike — are grounds for compliments, as are choices like makeup, hair, clothing, tattoos. In intimate friendships, if asked for advice, someone might encourage a certain outfit because it’s flattering. But I’m honestly a bit shocked that bodies are so up for discussion in this group, and that your friends poke fun at you like this. You don’t have to swallow it, especially because we all deal with enough body scrutiny in our lives. Your friendships should be a safe space for everyone to be in their body, without criticism or shame.
The VERY LOUD CALL is coming from inside the house, right next to your head, while you’re trying to sleep.
Q
My roommate is so loud (and yes I am writing this as she does what I am about to describe to you!) I’m a really light sleeper and my apartment has thin walls.i also go to sleep early because i have to get up early for work. My roommate is often talking on the phone, really loudly, late at night. I can hear everything even with white noise. She thinks the solution is for me to wear earplugs (I hate how earplugs feel in my ears, and I need to hear my alarm in the morning), I think the solution is her taking late-night phone calls outside or attempting to be quiet or take the calls on the other end of the apartment instead of in the room that’s back-to-back with mine. Who’s right?
A
Summer: Ear plugs would be a barrier solution. They may help, but they don’t address the core issue, which is how inconsiderate your roommate is about your shared living situation. People who aren’t selfish don’t do that kind of thing after being told that their behavior affects others badly. And pushing the responsibility onto you after you made reasonable requests so that you could be sane and keep working just ain’t right. I think you’re in the right, and that’s all I’ve got.
Valerie: It’s not unreasonable to request “quiet hours” in the room attached to your bedroom. Her solution being you changing YOUR behavior when all you’re trying to do is sleep is frustrating to me when there are things she could be doing, as you mentioned. The fact that she didn’t even attempt the “I’ll try to be quieter on the phone” and then fail at that before suggesting earplugs sounds pretty selfish. You’re not even asking her to not talk on the phone, just to not do it so close to your bedroom or so loudly, and I think that’s a very reasonable ask. Try talking to her about a cut-off time when you really need it to be quiet on days before you have to work, and maybe you can set up a code word with her that you can text her if she veers off track and starts getting loud again. (I say code word because it sounds like she’s the kind of person who would become irritated by semi-regular “please be quiet” texts. A code word might make it feel less scold-y.) As someone who has suffered through many horrible roommates over the years, I wish you the best of luck, the best of sleep, and know that there ARE some good roommates out there (I’ve had some of those, too!) and I hope your next one is quieter.
Nico: It’s pretty common in group living situations to honor the other person’s needs around sleep, especially as they relate to work schedules, so your asking is not weird or off. I think that she should take the calls in another room and try to keep her voice down, if not just finding other times to call altogether. People need to sleep at night and it’s not fair for her to be up and being loud. Also, earplugs only work so well. However, if you did want to try a physical barrier to sound, you can try a combination of noise cancelling headphones and doing some sound proofing in your apartment (which may require your roommate’s cooperation when it comes to hanging up some acoustic panels, perhaps). But again, these are all things that place the burden kind of solely on you, when you could instead have some cooperation from your roommate. I recommend talking with her, and if things don’t work well, looking into different living situations, to be honest. You need sleep!
Submit your own advice questions right here!
AF members get the benefit of having your advice questions answered by the team. We do our best to answer every question, which is like, 99% of them — very rarely do they stump us. Questions remain anonymous!
You can send questions on any topic, at any time. Submit those questions into the AF+ Contact Box which we’ve also embedded here:AF+ Contact & Advice Inbox
