Perhaps you are like me, and spent most of yesterday sobbing gently at the beautiful truths expressed in Kristen Stewart’s recently published poem “My Heart Is A Wiffle Ball/Freedom Pole.”
“Neighbours have been gathering at the woman’s house to witness this feline abomination for themselves, but at press time, nobody has stepped forwards to claim Bull.”
Stop trying to make diva cups happen for me, it’s not gonna happen.
I dare you to walk into a Build-A-Bear with two large cartons of tampons.
I need a sanitizing hand wipe for my soul, you guys.
Last night, the world ceased turning and clocks stopped ticking as two very attractive and famous ladies including Michelle Rodriguez got drunk and cuddly at a Knicks-Pistons game.
Did you know South Dakota even had a float in the Thanksgiving Day Parade?
STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW and look at this heartbreaking shot of JLaw looking like one of us.
Hey remember that time that Alice Walker and Tracy Chapman were a thing? Eh?
As my fellow writers and I watched incredulously in a moment many likened to the millennial New Years’ ball drop, 500+ dedicated queermos and their friends signed my change.org petition!
“I can’t believe Carly and Robin haven’t done that already.” (There’s a change.org petition we need you to sign. This is important business.)
If she writes an open letter, we’ll all write an open letter, and it’ll be ANARCHY!
“So when we grilled these maple-laced caramelized onion Gruyère behemoths on a rainy evening and neither of us lost an eye, I knew she was a keeper.”
Bonus: 20 pictures of Samira Wiley to help you make up your mind about whether or not you’re ready to be America’s Next Top Bottom Boo.
Raven-Symoné AzMarie Girlfriends!!
“IS RUDE AND/OR DEHUMANIZING TO SOMEONE IN THE SERVICE INDUSTRY” (What would you put on your Mom and/or Dad Bingo card?)
“five years from now when i’m living in a tree writing tracts about how monsanto is part of the illuminati cabal on recycled seventh-generation paper bags, you can pinpoint this as the moment it started.”
BREAKING: A number of sources have been reporting that Amber Heard is probably scissoring Marie de Villepin.
Carmen’s Team Pick: “Another Day” is the first and only released track from her forthcoming mixtape “Spirit Finger Gazebo.”
A lot of shit is really scary, but it probably doesn’t have to be.