Questions from the A+ Inbox were taking up such an enormous portion of the A+ Insider that we started dedicating an entire post to them instead! This A+ feature is now bi-monthly and advice questions go into our twice monthly Into the A+ Advice Box. We think this will be a lot of fun for the whole family. We’ve included as many questions as we can. We love you and your hair looks fantastic today!

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MERCH, BUSINESS AND TECHNICAL CONCERNS

What’s the history of the name excitant group llc?

Riese: A long long time ago in 2008, I got an email from a fan who’d just discovered my blog and it said many things but one of the things it said was: “The L world is amazing, well done, for me it rappresents [sic] freedom, love and friendship. On the other side, the L world treats very important and realistic themes like homosexuality and adoption, but otherwise it became at the same time funny, crazy and excitant.” Anyhow, I loved the email with my whole heart and I forwarded it to Alex and our then-friend Cait, and then we started using “excitant” instead of “excited” pretty much about everything, (a quick search for “excitant’ in my email finds a whole bunch of “I’m so excitant!” and “I’m so excitant for real!”) and then it was the summer of 2009 and this girl who’d come into our lives to help us turn the website into a business was like, “this needs to be an LLC, but you shouldn’t name your LLC ‘Autostraddle LLC’ because that doesn’t sound very professional, it should be like “The BLANK Group LLC” and suggested that BLANK could be like, my name or something meaningful to me, and we sort of shrugged and were like… Excitant? In retrospect, I think the person who emailed me was French, because in French, “excitant” means “exciting.” So anyhow the name of my company is French, just like my actual name (Marie) (Riese is my nickname), but I have only been to France for two (2) days of my life on this earth, and I spent one of them at Euro Disney during a thunderstorm.

Apologies if this is not the space for it, but I left a comment on the To Hobbies I Have Loved post and it never showed up. The same happened for todays wordle. None of it would have violated a community policy and my other comments have shown up in the past. Any ideas?

Nico: Okay so I looked into this when it happened and…the comments weren’t even trapped in spam-flagged limbo? (We do have a spam filter and it will catch certain words and also comments with 4+ links.) So I truly don’t know what happened to them but it looks like they disappeared somewhere between you trying to post them and them actually making it onto the site. Since it doesn’t seem to be a spam issue, I’d say to just wait a moment and try again. If this is repeat issue for you, I recommend copying the comment onto your clipboard before hitting post so that it’s easier to try again which kind of sucks as advice I know but since it seems to just be something on your end I don’t know what to do!

I’ve been using the OG autostraddle kickback version of amazon for years – the one where the URL ends UTF8&amp%3Bamp%3Bamp%3Bcamp=1789&amp%3Bamp%3Bamp%3Bcreative=390957&amp%3Bamp%3Bamp%3BlinkCode=ur2&amp%3Bamp%3Bamp%3Btag=autowin-20. Does this still give a kickback to AS?

Riese: It does not, no! Amazon has rejected us from their program, so now we only get a kickback if the amazon link is through a shopstyle link.

Do you think we could have some kind of AS personals column? Like every week a new single/available Straddler with a little bio about who they are and what they’re looking for and a couple of pictures and how to contact them? I just read Himani’s article about trying to accept being single but hating it. And it’s like…yeah being single sucks. I know plenty of ppl have met their wives through AS. Maybe an AS personals column could increase this number? Maybe (selfishly) there could be a focus on straddlers who do not live in LA/NYC etc, to help those of us whose dating pools are puddles…

Nico: I’ve wanted to do one for literal year and we are now almost ready to launch one, actually! I hope you’ll submit an ad :) More soon!!

How do I create a member group? Thanks!

Nico: We had to disable this function because bots got to it / used it to spam people. Sorry :(

merch idea – rainbow reading shirt to celebrate yashwina’s brilliant column?

Kayla: Every book person I know absolutely has too many totes BUT I am like………this sounds like a tote.

Carmen: I am book person and I object to the idea that there can ever be too many totes.

Viv: I honestly am a backpack person because most totes I think are too flimsy and I want to protect my books from the elements. Maybe!

It was cool to see the Boston and Providence meetups come together! Will more things like that be hosted in the future in more cities? I live in Chicago and was super bummed to miss the hike, but I have a hurt knee and can’t walk far. I would love some sort of Autostraddle meetups!!

Nico: Yes ;) More soon!

Just wanted to say how happy it makes me REI is such a partner to y’all! Going into REI at 13 made me see part of the outdoorsy gay me I could be, and was a way of bonding with my mom, so seeing that that’s what they’d actively support makes those memories all the sweeter!

Anya: Awwww, what a lovely memory!! We absolutely love working with REI — they’ve been really amazing partners. Three cheers for outdoorsy gays!!!

I am so excited about all the talk in this fundraising push about potential puzzles. I would pay an additional subscription on top of A+ for puzzles if you asked. Or if you made it sliding scale/pay what you can. I already pay for nytimes puzzles and AVCX, and I would obviously do same for this website that I love even more. <3

Nico: How are you liking the puzzles so far?? I don’t know about paywalling all of the puzzles, that’s a larger decision, but for now, I hope you’re enjoying your bonus A+ member Saturday puzzle!

Laneia: This is wonderful feedback, thank you!!

Hi,
This below would be an uncalled for opinion.
I never log in when I first get to the autostraddle website, I usually do when I reach A+ content. The button to subscribe is huge, but the button to log in “already a member? log in” is tiny and it kind of feels like an afterthought, as if the banner did not believe people reading the box could actually be members. I think you should discuss this with actual web designers before following my idea, but I think a button of the same size would give a more favorable feeling ?
And thanks again for this website, from the bottom of my heart <3

Viv: Hey yeah I agree! A site redesign is overdue so please be patient with us!

Is there a way to report a post? Say all the spam “Chad’s” that wander by?

Carmen: The fastest to report spam like that is by using the A+ inbox! You can just say “hey I’m seeing a lot of spam, on this post for example” and then one of us will get to it. This is really helpful because having a lot of spam bots is actually one of the (many ways out of our control) that Google potentially ‘ding’ our website in search results, and obviously can’t afford to have someone spend all day on the lookout. It’s tricky. We try our best to delete them when we see them, and a notice in the inbox is great!

Nico: Mostly, we ask that you don’t engage with spam! We catch it when we can / as we go. Same for trolls. If you want to report an actively harmful troll that is violating our comment policy via the A+ box, that is super helpful. A notice there is helpful, as Carmen pointed out!

Are there any plans for A-camp to return??

Riese: There are no concrete plans but we do want to bring it back, yes

Laneia: Sweet lord bless us and keep us.

Nico: As someone who has never been to A Camp but who loves to CAMP, you can perhaps guess at some of my feelings.

i was very sad the Autumn Photo Gallery didn’t appear and there wasn’t even mentioning of it. it just… didn’t appear.
i put a lot of work into my submission and am sure others did, too. it feels real bad and i don’t understand it. in the call for submissions was sth abt needing “enough” submissions, but i don’t get why there would be a minimum number required. a short post wouldn’t harm anybody — while omitting submissions does. several people said thy’d be happy to participate so i’m certain there were at least a handful of submissions by readers, plus the lovely pictures from the staff writers.
i was happy to participate and contribute sth to a Photo Gallery again, and i put a lot of work into crafting a useful alt-text, but i’m not going to submit anything again if it might just get swept under the rug.
:(

Nico: I was sad about it, too! I don’t like to ask people for things and then not be able to use them because I do appreciate the work that went into the photos we did get!

Unfortunately, I do have to say that there was potential harm in publishing a small gallery. The few submissions we received did not reflect the diversity of our A+ community, even after multiple calls. And after a lot of tough/thoughtful conversations about it, we decided that publishing the gallery in that light would actually be harmful and isolating to a lot of A+ members who might feel this space isn’t for them when nothing could be further from the truth. When we post galleries or lists, we strive to have them represent a diverse cross-section of our community so that everyone can feel included, not excluded.

We are sorry that we weren’t able to complete the gallery in the ways we hoped, but we are always experimenting and trying out new ways to help A+ members connect, like with the A+ discord and the number of events we had throughout the 13 Days of A+ from the A+ watch-along tonight to the watch-along Sally is hosting for our members in European time zones on the 22nd to the snow globe workshop we held and more.

I’m sorry that we weren’t able to showcase your photo and I’m sorry that was a disappointment. One of the things about running a community space is that often, our decision-making process has to be multi-layered and complex because we are trying to think broadly about all the members of our community. Sometimes this leads to decisions that not everyone is entirely happy with, but even then we are doing our best to ensure our choices are causing the least harm and doing the most to foster community-building.

I also want to recommend reading the Saturday e-news each week, especially if you’re looking for info on something or have a question that you think might be best answered to our membership as a whole, since that is a space where I tend to include those kinds of messages! I know about half of you all open it, which is awesome, but it really is a space where I am sure to include messages relevant to what’s going on that don’t necessarily merit a post on the site. In this instance, I included in our A+ e-news, I think for two weeks in a row, that we would not be having the gallery due to a lack of submissions. Sometimes follow ups are not able to be posts on the site, and our weekly e-news is a direct way we are able to provide updates to our members.

Thank you for being a member and thank you for writing in with your concern.

I’m a little high and I just had the thought: “Comments on an article Carmen wrote would be called ‘carments’..”

ALL-CONSUMING NEEDS TO SHARE

Maybe?

pic.twitter.com/nGYwa1ZBSi

— sapphics like (@sapphicslike) December 4, 2022

Heather: Okay now hang on. Is that somebody waving a lesbian flag at Jenna Ortaga and her stopping mid-exit to turn back and yell, “Yes! Yes!” Is that what’s happening here? Man, I hope she makes out with Jasmin Savoy Brown in Scream 6, which I will, of course, never see because I am a timid baby goose, but I think it would make everyone else very happy!

Carmen: I try to remind myself that Jena Ortega, on top of being the internet’s new favorite human, is actually pretty young? And we might be watching her figure out things (or not?) about herself in real time. She might know, she might not. Either way, her Wednesday press tour has been hilarious.

My queer, mixed race, galaxy-brained, sensitive-bodied, nature-enthralled, Leanne Betasamosake Simpson and Robin Wall Kimmerer-reading/listening, witchy-&-science-curious self has found unexpected healing support with this queer, trans, multiracial, intergenerational, crossclass, anticolonial-before-it-was-cool crew. They operate on a steep sliding scale with a deeper approach to redistributing access to care since before that was cool too. They have a no-dollar offering to get a sense of what they do, and they’ll probably be opening up annual sliding scale offerings in early 2023. Wanted to share in case one person reading this might benefit!!!

Nico: Thank you for sharing this!! I think a lot of folks may really enjoy checking them out.

For those writing in with questions about meeting other queer folks out in the world, I wanted to share an experience I had today. I went to religious services with a friend of mine who happens to be a gay man married to someone of a different faith. At some point during the service as my mind was wandering I saw an individual with a rainbow mask at the end of our pew. I asked my friend if he knew the person and he didn’t so I made a point of walking up to the individual at the conclusion of services and introducing myself. Technically I was a guest at the service since I’m neither a member nor a regular attendee, but felt emboldened to introduce myself and my friend who is a member. I found out the person had been attending since August (!) but hadn’t found friends there yet. A simple conversation over lunch and I found out this person plays an instrument and then we talked about The Locked Tomb books. It was so lovely to meet another queer human out in the world! Idk, I guess this is more of a ramble than anything else, but if you’re at all able to make conversation with strangers in a place you feel at all familiar or comfortable in, do it! You might just meet someone you can talk to about wildly unreliable narrators 😊

Nico: Thank you so much for sharing this experience! I agree that talking to strangers can be so unexpectedly fruitful and fun!

Sooo this appears to be a 1959 ad for how to have a luxurious weeklong date in bed with your best gal pal? Vibrators, remote-controlled curtains, and a sound system are but a few of the features.

Kayla:: “QUICK FLICK OF THE WRIST.”

Carmen: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!! I am never going to recover!!

Nico: When you sent this in I IMMEDIATELY shared it in our office Slack and just, revisiting this whenever I need to remember what a weekend SHOULD be like. There’s so much to love here. The implication that a “career girl” doesn’t listen to music but dictates ONLY, the “drawer milk” as many have pointed out in the Reddit thread, AND the sense that the tea is somehow perpetually heated within the drawer? It would get so moist in there! There is a vibrator that is tethered to the bed by its power cord! Why did they make this lesbian bed? Was there a MARKET?

Just saw this about Ashley Benson — so sad that sex bench was not listed as one of her favs.

Kayla: My girlfriend is simply obsessed with reading these celeb favorite things Strategist articles and sometimes we do dramatic readings of them so now I’m off to ask her if she has peeped this one yet.

Heather: I’ll be honest, I definitely read her favorite coffee like a text from A on Pretty Little Liars: “Groundwork coffee, bitches! Brew!” (Also, Ashley, they make actual Lakers Jordan 1’s!)

Will there be a season premiere party/chat for L Word Gen Q this week on discord?

Nico: KIND OF! We picked a random episode and watched together during the 13 Days of A+ and then we also watched the *spoilers* musical episode as a group the following week :) I definitely want to have more watchalongs next year, but for that, we would have to get some news on shows renewing. AHEM ALOTO AHEM.

Hi, I have PMDD so every month for two weeks I feel like a completely different and out of control person who is beyond overwhelmed and simply cannot imagine going on for the rest of their miserable life. It’s the worst.

I read recently that many people have had success treating their symptoms with antihistamines or famotidine, the active ingredient in Pepcid. I had some expired benadryl in my cabinet so I figured, ‘what the hell’ AND READER TAKING HALF A BENADRYL AT NIGHT DURING MY LUTEAL PHASE WORKED!!

I will be testing out the Pepcid this cycle and possibly other antihistamines in the future if Pepcid isn’t as effective as the benadryl was (there are two types of antihistamine meds so if one doesn’t work you can try the other).

I cannot believe how well it worked and, after having a nice normal month, how much I have lost over the years to my PMDD :(

I am not a healthcare professional but I do need the world to know this especially people who may not have the option of antidepressants or other prescribed treatments. Hope this helps someone!

Nico: Thank you for sharing this!

Laneia: Love this for you and everyone it helpsssssss !

Not sure who else needs to see this, but Gabby Williams (WNBA star and total babe) has a little sister who plays for the UW named Jayda Noble Williams. On insta, Jayda shared a birthday post for Gabby that included a picture (last of the three) off Gabby wearing a baseball cap that just says, “Daddy.” I AM DEAD.

Heather: OH HELLO. Is someone coming from Alyssa Thomas’ WNBA Daddy Crown??

Carmen: Hahahahaaaaaaaaa

Upcoming lesbian opera event! The Metropolitan Opera in New York is premiering “The Hours” starting November 22. It will be broadcast live around the world December 10. Based on the novel by Michael Cunningham, which itself is an homage to Virginia Woolf’s “Mrs. Dalloway.” The music is by Kevin Puts, the text by Greg Pierce. Starring the heart throb trio of Renee Fleming, Kelli O’Hara, and Joyce Didonato as Virginia Woolf. This is not the first opera about lesbians (that honor may go to “Patience and Sarah,” again based on a novel) but I believe it is a first for the Met. I’m not really equipped to write about it, but I hope you find someone who can.
— Northern Barbarian

Kayla: Believe me it is killinggggggg me that I no longer live in New York and therefore cannot attend this and subsequently write about it because it is extremely up my alley.

Carmen: Ah yes, I can see Kayla in her Opera gloves now.

Riese: Ugh I am also so incredibly sad to not have the chance to bear witness to this event!

Ok I know we find Tar problematic, but these are funny tweets and the answer to #4 Bette Porter right?

Heather: Okay number 15 made me cackle out loud.

Carmen: Without a doubt #4 is a graduate of the Bette Porter School of Topping!!! (BPST, for short)

This Sunday Oct 30, and recorded: Black Queer led mental health first aid course.

“Oumou Sylla, Wellness Doula, is offering a Radical Mental Health First Aid workshop that will be held virtually on Zoom. This workshop will teach you some of the skills necessary to support those experiencing a crisis/stressor in a trauma informed, embodied and consent aware way. In the workshop you will learn risk factors and warning signs for mental health concerns, strategies for supporting those in crisis and non-crisis situations, and where to look for non-carceral focused support.

Oumou Sylla (they/them) is a Licensed Therapist and Wellness Doula/Consultant who specializes in working with LGBTQ Black, Indigenous, Latiné and other people of color navigating traumas, relational stress/anxiety, life transitions, burnout, depression, anxiety and more. Consent, boundary and nervous system education are a core of the work.

Oumou practices in a way that is mindful of the ways that we are impacted by Anti-Blackness, gender based oppression, ableism, capitalism, state sanctioned violence and other forms of systemic injustice. For this reason, and reasons connected to their identity as a Black, immigrant, queer femme their approach is anti-racist and anti-oppressive in nature.”

Carmen: Ok this person and their practice sounds amazing?? Thank you for letting us know! I’ve bookmarked them for sure.

how old is Jordan Hull aka Baby Portard and why does googling this question get me the answer of 32

Heather: Earlier this year, the Netflix PR for Hustle said she was 19!

Carmen: Ok I was also googling this earlier in the week, and I was very confused why Google kept saying she was in her 30s!

Nico: Wikipedia says 32! So, unless Wikipedia has her birth year wrong?

Riese: When I interviewed Marja Lewis-Ryan in 2019, she said:

Originally we’d done “18+ to play 16″ but they were too close to like, Leo. I needed a true 16 year old and this kid walked in. She was 15.We knew it was her the second we shot the scene. We were like, this is obviously who we are casting.

So if she was 15 in 2018, she’d be 19 now, like Heather said!

Hello I have an URGENT need to dress like Cate Blanchett as Lydia Tár in the movie Tár. Yes, I know she’s heinous but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to stride around in elegant minimal European jetsetter fashion and threaten small german children. Please advise. Thank you!

Nico: Well lucky lucky because Christina did a So You Want to about JUST THIS!

Just wanna send you all so much love!!!! I know you are all working so so so so hard for a community that needs so so so so so so so much.

HAVE YOU WRITTEN ABOUT THIS / I NEED INFORMATION / ARTICLE IDEAS

The latest A+ inbox had a question about how to dance that made me feel SEEN. Anya’s advice was to copy someone else’s dance moves and I think that’s a great idea (thank you Anya), so I’m writing in to ask if I can copy the Autostraddle team’s moves via a post with pictures/video of how to dance! Maybe the only two people who need this content are me and the person who sent in the original question, but it would help me feel confident enough to go to bars where I can meet cute girls…

Nico: Okay so I am scared by this question because do I have moves? I do not. Do I often hurt myself dancing around my kitchen? Yes.

Kayla: Early pandemic, my girlfriend and I used to host “gay club night” at our apartment which was just the two of us pretending we were at a dance club in our own home lol. She always posted a million videos in her Instagram story of me dancing at these and I wish she had saved them because I’d absolutely direct you to them! To be completely honest I’m not sure if this would work as a post because I think even confident dancers feel awkward about just like dancing in their homes and recording it but maybe I’m wrong! I do believe in you and your dancing abilities though!

Carmen: I famously have no rhythm and would not be able to help with this. However there is a relatively old Christmas-themed video of Autostraddle staff dancing around (including me, let’s all hold a moment of silence) and maybe that will help?

Viv: As long as you dance with a smile on your face everyone will love you! No lie.

There doesn’t yet appear to be any gay in it, but it has Auli’i Cravalho and Nicole Maines, so I’m putting it on your radar.

Kayla: This looks super cute and up my alley, so I’ll be tuning in regardless!

Heather: I literally cannot believe this movie wasn’t gay. Everything about it screamed GAY GAY GAY, and even the first ten minutes made me think we were getting queer enemies to lovers. BUT NO. Straight! >:(

Hot tip! I do a quick search for any face/body product I want to buy on Environmental Working Group’s Skin Deep or Sunscreen guides to make sure the ingredients aren’t harming me.

The beauty industry is notorious for including toxic, pernicious or carcinogenic substances with truly wild abandon, even in baby products. And they offer an app, of course. Yay, safer products!

Kayla: Thanks for the tip! I’m usually pretty bad at researching these things for my personal products even though they’re undoubtedly important!

Carmen: Definitely worth keeping in mind (I switched to all natural ingredients for my hair and the adjustment period for my hair texture was intense? But ultimately very much worth it in the end!).

Saw this book on a Vulture list of books coming out next year.

Kayla: Yes, it’s on my radar! Thanks :)

I have no hot tips or questions, I just wanted to announce that my pent up lesbian goddess energy reached a new pinnacle this morning and I made a big hair decision and I am now on my way to a queer hair salon to get a radical lesbian haircut that won’t scare my clients where I am a school social worker. I just wanted to tell ppl who get it. It probably won’t seem all that radical, compared to things I have done in the past with shaving or color, but it’s my first time getting a radical lesbian haircut as a middle aged professional and I’m very carefully considering my options… probably an undercut.

Kayla: Extremely exciting!!!! I love big hair decisions! Rooting for you!!!

Heather: Pics! Pics! Pics!

Carmen: Yesssssssss, way to go!!! I bet you look hot.

Viv: It will change your life!

Nico: I strongly support this move! HAIR TODAY GONE TOMORROW.

Laneia: Do you ever listen to Milk Street Radio, when people call in with cooking questions? Sara and Chris are always like “[advice advice advice] and let us know how it turns out!” and I always wonder, do the people let them know? Is Chloe from North Carolina going to call them back, or fire off a quick email, to let them know if adding buttermilk to the cake batter helped it taste more like her grandmother’s? Because I really hope she does! I hope they all call them back! Or email them! And say “yeah this totally worked” or “ok no, you buttermilk trick was a bad one, sir and madam”!! And similarly I HOPE YOU LET US KNOW HOW THIS HAIRCUT WENT.

I saw mention on the pop up discord of unofficial discords. I was wondering if there is or could be a compendium somewhere of all the unofficial Autostraddle groups across various social networks? (I’m specifically looking for a community in the DC/MD area, and super specifically curious if there might be a bookclub here…?) Thanks!

Nico: I recommend coming to the popups and hooking up with spinoffs there. I usually set up a channel just for that! Also, the way discord works, invites expire after, usually, about 7 days so I don’t know if a compendium would really work, plus the invites aren’t ours to give! (Because unofficial and technically unaffiliated with AS).

I have two (hopefully short and easy) questions. 1. Is there a link to the transcript for the interview/discord with Sarah Thankam Mathews? I just finished reading All This Could Be Different and it was amazing and now I want to read all interviews with her ever! 2. Is there an easy way to navigate to the page that has all of the AS affiliate links/the AS marketplace? I will bookmark it this time, but couldn’t easily find it, at least on mobile. I am running low on Fish Wife tinned fish. Thanks!

Nico: Yes, here’s the book club transcript. For the marketplace, if you go to the A+ menu in the menu bar, it should be the first link after “All A+ Posts” but also here it is! I’m hoping to have time to work on adding more shops to the marketplace in the new year!

hi hello hulu’s reboot is gay!! and fun!!! and i would love to see yall write something about it k that’s all <3

Heather: Great news, friend! I not only reviewed it; I also chose it for a favorite episode of the year!

What are y’alls favorite relaxing games to play on your phone? I’m in need of something to do besides scroll Twitter lol sob 😂

Kayla: The only phone game I play is GeoGuessr, a nerdy geography game where you’re dropped into a random location on Google Maps and have to guess where you are using clues about your surroundings. But also: AUTOSTRADDLE PUZZLES!!!!!

Carmen: I wish I could help! When I get tired of scrolling Twitter, I just start scrolling Instagram…

Laneia: I’ve started taking Italian on Duolingo with my girlfriend and now it’s all I want to do, so there’s never any time for Twitter or anything else, and it is weirdly relaxing? Vostro la fidanzata è Laura, vero? Sì! E la camicia rossa di Laura costa cinquanta euro, vero? No, cento euro! Lei è ricca! Un cornetto, per favore!

Autostraddle! Help! I just moved to Boston and I can’t find the queer people! Where are they? How do I find them and make friends?

Nico: There are, as I understand it, a fuckton of queer people in Boston. Like, some of the most gay zip codes in the country are in Boston? Hoping one of the mods of the Northeast unofficial spinoff sees this!

Are any of you watching “Bad Sisters” on Apple TV? One of the titular sisters is a grumpy milf lesbian and sometimes I feel like she doesn’t get as much screen time as the other sisters but any time she is around she steals the scene. I haven’t finished it yet but I love an Irish dark comedy so I have high hopes for where it’s heading. CW for domestic abuse.

Kayla: I haven’t seen yet, but I’ll check it out.

Heather: Yes! This was one of Shelli’s favorite TV shows of the year, I think, and thank you for the reminder to badger her to write something about it, lol!

Riese: I LOVED BAD SISTERS

Possible article idea – update to the 2015 ‘winter hat guide’. It’s getting cooler in the northern hemi, and although I love my AS beanie a lot I wouldn’t mind having other beanies especially from sapphic/queer/trans shops. Perhaps with a lookbook or style guide?

Kayla: As a longtime supporter of hats, I will take this under advisement.

Carmen: Excellent idea, I am in full support.

I’m watching Love is Blind Season 3 and I’m kindly begging for an AS take on this absolutely batshit, heterosexual behaviour!! Every second I watch this show, my brain congeals, but I cannot look away. I neeeeeeeed to discuss with other queers how completely nuts it is that straight people have discussions like ‘do you like kids?’ ‘yes i love kids!’ and then decide that means they are DESTINED to be together. I beg, a roundtable or something! Please!

Riese: I think this request is why I wrote this: Why is Season 3 of Love is Blind So Heterosexual?

Nico: I continuously watch this one and the other one I kept mistakenly calling “Married On First Sight” (not at?) which I have now changed to “Don’t Marry ‘Em Til You Can See the Whites of Their Eyes.” And it’s like…a really interesting deep dive into heterosexual behavior. Like, when the men complain that the women want to discuss particulars like kids or life plans or spirituality and religion and politicial views right away to see if there are deal-breakers, it led me to realize that straight men actually like…hope that they can trick women into loving them and staying with them and then, from within the relationship, control the decision-making around VERY IMPORTANT things or just be able to brush aside certain facts about themselves (stringent patriarchal beliefs) that would have been deal-breakers if the women had learned that say, the dude is a Libertarian from the outset. I don’t know if I’m articulating that well, but truly, it’s wild. Anyway, I think each and every one of these shows is a psy op to try and get relatively contendedly single and self-sufficient cishet women to give men who haven’t done any self work a chance so that they make babies and increase our country’s birth rate. In our house, we watch reality TV with tinfoil hats on.

Hi! This isn’t super pressing but the skincare series made me think you should do a feature on ugliness! A quick Google of the keywords “ugly monster disability queer” turned up a trove of thinkers on ugliness.

For example, one could review Porsha O.’s choreopoem, “Black and Ugly as Ever.“

One could interview Mia Mingus about desirability and disability.

I suspect there’s a lot to say about transness, passingness, and beauty vs ugliness along with transness and problematizing trans “visibility” (i.e. tdov) There is truly so much to say about the politics practice and aesthetics of uglyness.

Goblincore is in and we’re embracing being the spooky cryptid who lives in the swamp! (Dewy skin amirite? Clammy even)

Carmen: Ok there was definitely a time, roughly a few years ago, when a certain type of queer person was self-identifying as a goblin, right? Does no one else remember this but me? But very seriously, I’d publish a piece on “the politics practice and aesthetics of ugliness” in a heartbeat.

Nico: Yes, to this from a perspect of the very interesting sounding “the politics and practice and aesthetics of ugliness” but also perhaps it is time for an investigation into goblincore / Goblin Mode? It is definitely a Goblin Mode time of year.

This book came out a few months ago so maybe I’m too late, but I am writing to suggest that someone from Autostraddle review/do an author interview for Iron Widow by Xiran Jay Zhao! It’s a great book in many ways, but what made me think of Autostraddle is that this book is the most nonbinary-feeling book I’ve ever read. From what I can tell, the author is nonbinary and AFAB, and the book really reads that way. The depiction of how misogynistic gender norms are enforced on women is so detailed and targeted that it was clearly written by someone who has a deep history with enforced femininity. But there’s none of the tension that I hear in the work of so many female writers on these topics, no need to balance fury at patriarchal ideas of womanhood with attachment to womanhood itself. Obviously I don’t know the author’s actual thoughts or feelings, but at least in this book, there is no attachment to womanhood, just a razor-sharp critique. I would be fascinated to read what a smart cultural critic thinks about this book, and especially to read an interview with the author talking about how their nonbinary identity shows up in the book!

Kayla: I’ll look into this!

Dear Autostraddle, have you ever reviewed fanchromatic nails? It’s a queer owned indie cosmetics company whose nail polishes are all named for nerdy fandom things. They are my favorite, and I feel like maybe you’ve talked about them here? But maybe not?

Kayla: I don’t believe we’ve written about them before, but I can look into it!

Carmen: I have never heard of this company before, but wow do they sound RIGHT up our alley! I’ll make a note for the year.

It would be SO cool if Autostraddle had more Snow Tha Product content:)

Carmen: I try my best to keep up with all the rap girlies and I didn’t know Snow, but I did just now look up her wiki — love learning new things every day!

Thought you’d like knowing I found my top two Spotify wrapped artists from y’all! Joy Oladokun for 1 (quiz by Dani for your next queer artist ) and Mal Blum for 2 (Drew interview). Thank you!!

REALLY NICE THINGS YOU TOLD US

Hi! I didn’t want to out myself on the post, but I wrote Q20 in the last A+ advice box and I just wanted to thank Himani for her reply. I needed to hear that. (insert crying emoji) Thank you, thank you.

Himani: 💜

I just wanna thank the reader/AS staffer for recommending Trading Up with Mandy Rennehan. (I can’t remember who mentioned it first!) it’s on Hulu now and I LOVE IT!!!!

Carmen: That’s awesome!!! I’m so glad!

Hey! I was the question asker that asked about dealing with my sister’s abusive boyfriend in the last A+ advice. I didn’t want to post this as a comment since I didn’t really want to link it to my A+ account, (idk if you ever publish updates but feel free to anonymously post this if you do) but I did want to give a brief update. The advice came in at exactly the right time, as she was going through a breakup with said boyfriend. After years together, it was a pleasant surprise all around, and my family is so relieved and happy for her (discussed amongst just ourselves, of course). I really, really appreciate the super kind and helpful advice, as well as the list of resources that I’m keeping on reserve for if/when she wants to process things out loud. Thank you all so much for your compassion for a tough situation, hope you all have a wonderful holi(gay) season!

Carmen: Thank you for sending us this update. I’m wishing you so much comfort, warmth, and light this winter.

Nico: I’m so glad to hear they’ve broken up. I am also happy that the advice was helpful because the thing about this advice boxes, is that we don’t often get updates so we don’t know how things turned out! Thank you so much for this update.

Hi! Just wanted to thank you’re for your new crosswords. They are spot on. Put me in a good mood and cater to the nerd within.

Laneia: You simply have no idea how much this pleases meeeeeeeee !

Viv are you the wizard behind the portraits on the fundraiser posts??? they are RAAAAADIAAAANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they should be murals!! thank you for blessing us with these masterpieces!

Nico: Viv did a fantastic job!!!!!! Everyone looks awesome in these.

Viv: omg thank u :>

Carmen: I’m just here to agree, they were art!!!

Feeling somehow even EXTRA grateful for Autostraddle as a space, my internet home for 9.5 years now. Please ask for more money in your next fundraiser!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cushion for you all is cushion for all of us. Its not asking too much to have some cushion for a rocky road you have been traveling for a very long time with very little support. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Nico: Thank you SO SO MUCH!! That fundraiser was an absolute WHIRLWIND, a DREAM COME TRUE! As I pack the perks and send them out, I am filled with so much gratitude and love for y’all and everyone who helped. This space truly exists because a bunch of queer people got together and decided to make it possible and that is truly, utterly magical.

And re: asking for more: while we would love to have a bigger cushion of money, we can only ask for so much at a given time or within a given year because due to not being a nonprofit, the carried over funds would look like “profit” and we don’t want to waste your hard-earned money by giving it away to the US government more than is necessary. Trust us, we are doing everything with a great deal of thought and as much forward planning as we can, given the circumstances and external factors we have to work with. I WILL say that the best thing for us is consistent, monthly support, in case anyone would like to know!

Also here to agree with Riese below and say that I really hope that if we need to fundraise early in the year in the coming year to keep going, that maybe that is the time we can ask for more to make 2023 a less frightening year!

Riese: That’s very true. And the other true thing is that in the past, fundraisers have taken WEEKS to reach a goal like $145k, so although we initially considered a higher fundraising goal, we ended up going with a more conservative one because we didn’t want it to take six weeks to do because they are so hard on the team, especially Nico, time-wise! So we only asked for what we needed to make it through the year. But you turned up so quickly and so wholeheartedly!!! Which was so very heartwarming!!! Hopefully everyone will bring a similar spirit to our next fundraiser because those funds are just enough to get us through January.

I can’t even express how much I love the new Autostraddle Games vertical!!! Seriously, this is the best thing since sliced bread. I love Autostraddle and I love games (especially crossword puzzles) and this is literally improving my quality of life on a daily basis! Thank you!

Kayla: I AGREEEEE!!!!!! They are the best way to start the day!!!!!!!!

Carmen: I’m so glad!

Anya: Yessssssss! I love them!!

Nico: SO EXCITED FOR THIS!

Laneia: 😭

Riese: Me too I ply every day I love it!

Just wanted to say a belated thank you to Kayla for the excellent article on piecing together a League of Their Own costume! I FINALLY started watching the series two weeks ago (I know) and immediately decided I must be Carson for Halloween. My costume wasn’t fancy but the inspiration in the article helped me figure out what to prioritize looking for at the thrift store and I got compliments on it all night long. THANK YOU!

Kayla: Yay!!! I’m so glad it was useful! I’m a big fan of DIY costumes and love to help others piece together theirs.

Carmen: This was truly Kayla’s community service, right? This and Yellowjackets DIY, this is when she carried us.

File this under all-consuming need to share. I went on the AS / REI hike in Chicago this Saturday and it was great!! It was a beautiful day, I met so many great people and Shelli recognized my screen name and gave me a hug!!!!!

But. Walking 2.5 miles (plus the walks to the el stop) convinced me that I needed to replace my beloved but 10+ years old hiking shoes. Seriously. Not only did my feet hurt but so did my back. So I went to REI the very next day. Not only did I get the awesome new hiking shoes I went for but I found the outdoorsy tomboy femme hat of my dreams and a couple other things too.

So I just needed to tell you this so you can tell REI that partnering with AS is good for them!

Anya: Well this is just music to my ears!! So glad to hear you had such a fun time at the walk — it honestly exceeded all our hopes and dreams!! We loving partnering with REI, and I’m definitely going to tell them about how the event inspired you to go to your local REI and buy some new gear!!!

Carmen: Ahhh! I’m so glad you had fun!!

I wrote in for advice last month (LTRs, Q10) and Nico’s advice made me cry (in a good way!) and was just perfect. thank you thank you, we will make it work

Nico: Thank you so much for sharing this. Thinking of you and sending you so much love!!!

Heather, “If my 25-year-old self could see me now, she wouldn’t even believe it. I am living my absolute wildest dreams.” made me tear up! I so strongly second the commenter who wrote “every stage of my life so far has been better than before, and this is such a heartening read that I can just keep getting more and more solidly myself!” Thank you for all of your words — they always strike a chord.

Heather: And thank YOU for reading and for YOUR kind words. They truly do mean the world to me.

Just want to say thanks for all the book lists over the years! Been scrolling through and they are so great.

Kayla: Yay! Glad they’re useful, and I promise there are more and more coming!