It’s Officially Baby Time But Oops I Changed My Mind

We’re both nonbinary and we’ve been together 6 years. We always said we’d have kids, it was literally in our vows at our wedding. They declined a job offer that would require us to move to a location with bad schools. Yes this has always been the plan. They’re on the pill but the plan was for them to go off this winter and then we would start trying.

But this past year broke me. I don’t know how else to put it. watching what’s happening to trans kids, the ICE invasion, the endless wars, watching the erosion happen in real time…. something in me snapped and I cannot imagine choosing to bring a child into this on purpose. I just can’t. Things have never felt this bad in my lifetime and I grew up a femme boy  in the bible belt in the 80s/90s.

I told my partner i’d sooner have a vasectomy than have a baby, which was a dramatic and terrible thing to say, and they cried, not even mad-cried, just sad-cried, which felt so much worse. They said they feels betrayed. They asked what we are going to do instead of this, with our lives, and honestly, I don’t know. I don’t know what we do next, because everything feels hopeless. 

Am I being reactive or am I being realistic and everyone else is in denial? 

Valerie: I don’t think there’s a “right” answer to this question. On one hand, you’re right, this world is broken and seems to be getting worse by the day and the idea of bringing a child into it seems daunting and borderline cruel from that perspective. But on the other hand, Republican Christians are constantly popping out kids and raising them to be minions of their hateful belief systems. Sure, some of them will break free of it (so many of us did) but a lot of them won’t. So why deny yourself being a parent, if it’s something you’ve always wanted (which it sounds like it is), why not bring a kid into the world who will be raised in a loving, queer, open-minded home. Why not find your own little pocket of light in the dark, dark world? That said, your feelings and fears are valid and I also understand your perspective. Like I said, there’s no “right” answer here.

Would fostering be something you both were interested in? I know some people have a drive for biological children and fostering wouldn’t fulfil that, but it might be a good compromise for you both if that’s not as important to you. That way, you’re not bringing new children into this world, but you’re still providing love and care and a safe home for kids who need it, even temporarily? Something to consider.

Summer: Lots of people factor the state of the world, society, and material conditions into the decision to have children (or not). It’s actually the responsible and sane thing to do, rather than to have kids without considering the circumstances they’ll live in. I think your apprehensions about having children given [gestures wildly] everything is reasonable. However, I also think it may have been expressed very strongly to your partner. Perhaps suddenly too. That might be the distress your partner is having.

If you’re married and your vows included starting a family, I can only imagine this was deeply important to your partner (and you, back then). The decision to strike out a section of such a vow shouldn’t be taken lightly. People should always be allowed to back out of wedding vows (that’s why no-fault divorce exists), but reneging on that vow without agreement is in essence, breaking trust in the marriage itself. I understand why you feel despair and anguish given the state of everything. The last few years have done a number on all sane people. But I do think the way you raised this with your partner without enough of their input was extremely painful to them. I think it falls to you to make things right and restore trust in the marriage. That doesn’t necessarily mean turning back and declaring that you will have a kid. But at least listening to your partner’s opinions about the topic and how you handled it.

Riese: Nobody who doesn’t want to have a kid should have a kid. But this is a HUGE thing to go back on in a marriage. It would be worth a trip to a couple’s therapist to start to try through these feelings. The world is terrible and getting worse; and I don’t think you should have a kid to make yourself feel better about that, but as a person who recently had a kid and who is constantly stressed about what that means for him, to bring him into this hellscape, nothing brings you back to what remains essentially dazzling and beautiful about humanity and the chance we all have to make the most of our time here like a kid does.The kid’s life will be long. The world may change and surprise us yet.

I have a new girlfriend and I am completely feral for eating her out. It’s magical and wonderful. The issue is that it’s causing a persistent rash on my chin. I’ve been careful to wash my face thoroughly afterwards, and use a serum to keep the skin on my face moisturized. I’ve tried different positions so that there is less friction directly on my chin. But I need advice! I don’t want to stop going down on her, if anything I’d like to do it even more, but I also don’t want a constant breakout. What’s a girl to do?

Summer: Hot damn, blast from the past! I wrote this for someone in a similar situation years ago. Consider reading it.

For your situation specifically, it’s interesting that the skin reaction happens on your chin and no other areas are mentioned. My initial guess would have been that a fluid mix (saliva and vaginal) flowing down the chin and settling there could upset the pH balance of the skin or introduce bacteria. The chin is a hotspot for acne—I rarely get acne but half of the pimples I get are on my chin. You’re already practicing essential skincare (wash and moisturize), which would have been my first suggestion. You’re also adjusting positions and reducing friction, which are also good picks.

Were I in your position (gods, I wish), I would actually see if your current methods have an effect. Skin – especially when agitated – can become very temperamental and might even react badly to efforts to protect it. It’s usually not advised to introduce more than one routine or substance to skin (bodily fluids included) at a time without monitoring for effects because multiple new additions can impact the area in conflicting or unexpected ways.

It should take your skin a few weeks or a month to acclimate to the combination of new activities and chemicals in this ‘routine’. If it still doesn’t, I’d definitely consult a dermatologist. The licensed kind. There are quite a few skin conditions that could match your description, including acute folliculitis, acne, or contact dermatitis. All of which are similar enough to overlap but actually really different. Once safe harbor home remedies fail, it really should come down to professional help and assessment. It’ll make for a fun story in between long sessions of dining on your girlfriend.