Is This an Overdramatic Reaction To My Girlfriend Leaving Me

My girlfriend of 1.5 years and I were in an open relationship, and within that context she started hooking up with a close friend of mine. I felt a little weird about this and told her so, that it felt like something I wanted to set a boundary around, her hooking up with my close friend. (Who I have known for much longer than my partner.) but she said that you can’t set boundaries retroactively, and then suggested that all three of us hook up together. I said yes because I hate myself I guess? It was hot but I had a total meltdown afterwards because I couldn’t stop thinking about what I’d seen of the two of them hooking up. Like I thought my partner was more into my friend than me, that’s just how it felt at the time. This all spiraled and spiraled for a few days until eventually my partner said they do have feelings for my friend and would rather be with them than with me. I feel really betrayed.

Would it be overdramatic for me to move? I just don’t think I can live here and be in this community anymore. I want to start over. I know it’s a terrible job market and I can’t guarantee I’d have a good job or even friends if I moved somewhere else but I can’t figure out any other way to feel better.

Summer: It must feel truly awful to be at the center of a story that just keeps escalating like that. Your ex (I’m guessing this is an ex) had some terrible boundary-setting and communication for someone in an open relationship. Honestly, I feel worse about a close friend because that feels like more of a betrayal to a friendship.

Would it be ‘overdramatic’ for you to move? I dunno. I don’t think of things in terms of how ‘dramatic’ they are. But I understand that your life must feel immensely shitty with the loss of two major pillars of support. And losing them in a manner that is essentially a betrayal of your trust. Before you forge ahead with a move, I’d advise caution and grieving. It’s possible that you’re in a seriously emotionally vulnerable and wounded place. And without some of the usual people you can lean on, making decisions could be a lot harder. I’m leaning toward ‘no’ on moving immediately. Not because it would be ‘overdramatic’, but because moving is a big deal that requires forethought. Especially in bad times, as you mentioned. The possibility of relocating will still exist in the future, so you can still think and act from a place of semi-stability for now. And good luck.

Valerie: Moving would definitely be extreme, but whether or not it’s “overdramatic” would really depend on how feasible it is in your life. If it’s going to cause you financial hardship, and if starting over in a new community is going to be hard for you and risk self-isolating, then I don’t think it will be worth it. I think there are probably ways to start over without having to move away. Unless you live in a town of literally 100 people and only 10 of them are queer and you know all of them, I’d be willing to bet there are other communities you could become part of. A new bar, a new club, a new gym, somewhere new where you can make new friends if you really want to start over. Even if you have to start small by going to a supermarket a little farther away to avoid running into them. These people hurt you, and everything feels bad and awful right now, and I’m sure even little things like driving past the restaurant where you had a great date with your ex or the movie theater you used to go to with your best friend hurts like hell, but that pain won’t be as bad forever. If you want to, you can make new memories in this place, make new friends, and reclaim the spaces that hurt you if you have things here you want to hold onto. That said, if you have close friends or family you find support in somewhere else and you feel like it would be a more healing environment for you and it wouldn’t financially ruin your life, maybe it IS a good option. I just wouldn’t move to get away from something, because the pain is going to follow you no matter how far away from the two of them you go. Only move if you would be moving TOWARD something instead.

I need bachelorette party ideas for my best friend. She’s bisexual and she’s marrying a cis guy. She wants her bachelorette party to have a “queer feel” but “no strippers and no lentils.” (her words) There will be about 10 queer girls / nonbinary people and then her straight sister and straight cousin, most of us in our thirties. Helppp no idea is too crazy!

Summer: Pre-wedding parties often benefit from a shared activity to entertain and bind guests together. Especially if some of them don’t know each other or have common ground. It’s definitely a me thing, but I love the idea of a paintball/airsoft pre-wedding party. Attending live music? Tapas crawl between restaurants? Group skydiving? None of that feels ‘queer’ on its own, but those activities can transcend heternormative ideas of what a bachelorette party ‘should’ be, which makes them queer.

I’ll leave it to my capable co-writers to give more suggestions, but my line of thinking is that trying to make something feel ‘queer’ won’t always be successful. Queerness is made up by the people and since you’re bringing lots of queers, anything they do together will feel ‘queer’. They just need common ground and a space to be free.

Ashni: Agree with Summer that a majority-queer guest list automatically makes this a queer bachelorette! If you want some activity ideas that feel queer to me: at least one (1) visit to a dyke bar if you’ve got one in the vicinity, a drinking game to accompany a queer movie of your choice (humbly suggesting Bottoms), finding a local queer comic who’s performing, a rock climbing situation (knots are gay, right?), a beer crawl, a pole class, strip poker… I went to a gay bachelorette a few years ago that included a hike, tea tasting, and lots of group games. The activities lean queer, sure, but it was the people who made the bachelorette gay.