How Can I Keep My Sister’s Trans Daughter Safe and Happy?

Q

 I need a reality check. My sister is married to a MAGA nutbag and they live in a red area and their daughter is trans. My wife and I live in a bluer area, and their daughter is close with our son (her cousin). The daughter has reached out to me to ask if we would consider adopting her. I don’t know about adoption, but I am open to having her live with us indefinitely and to take on responsibility for her care. My wife is too. My sister would probably never forgive me and it would create a riff in the family. But they’re not letting their daughter present as female or get gender affirming care. Are we being crazy to be entertaining this idea? My wife and I feel so helpless in the face of the Trump administration and the world as it is today and my therapist said that she thinks we’re willing to do this massive thing is just because we feel helpless about the world and don’t know how to act and this is one way to act, but that we are volunteering to take on something too big to really do. I just feel so awful for her and so sad for her and have gotten nowhere with my sister on it.

A:

Valerie: Is there a way to start smaller than fully taking her in permanently to avoid causing too much strife? Asking your sister if your niece can stay with you one weekend a month, then maybe for longer during winter break, or a few weeks in the summer. That way your niece can spend time living as her true self and knowing she has a supportive place to go without permanently ruining her or your relationship with your sister? If that’s something that’s valuable to both of you. And all the while keep talking to your sister, sending her articles to read and videos and movies to watch and books about or by parents of trans kids and how much more beneficial it is for them to support them. See if your sister will go to family therapy with her husband and daughter, with you guys, and all discuss what’s the best way to support your niece going forward, and see if she is willing to do whatever is best for her child. You do also have to consider that, depending on how old she is, taking her in might not be that easy if your sister is resistant to it, and could drag you all into a legal mess that wouldn’t help anyone. Maybe the best thing you can do is just be there for your niece and let her know she has a safe space with you and your family and having her over as often as her mother allows, and keep reminding her that there’s a big, queer world waiting for her when she’s old enough.

Summer: Woooooow.

Okay, you’re not crazy to be considering the idea. Social and familial support is a cornerstone of queer existence for as long as we’ve been repressed (always). Being willing to take on the burden of care for loved ones is fundamental to a functioning society. Families do it. It’s why family and clan structures have existed for so long. Maybe I feel strongly about it because I’m from a country where childcare is strongly shared by anyone who can do it because resources are scarce but willingness to care for relatives is plentiful. Those approaches to communal parenting or willing adoption die out in developed countries that prize individual independence and fewer ties.

If you and your wife both feel willing to take on the care responsibilities, I can only assume that you actually have the means to do so. If you pursue this, it needs to be a legally recognised process. The appropriate authorities (CPS?) must be involved and regrettably, her state will probably have few protections for a trans kid in that position. If she just hoofs it over to your place and you take her in, there’s a very real chance it would be legally indistinguishable from kidnapping since her current parents/guardians have custody.

Besides those complexities, I think your therapist’s stance is understandable. Having been trained for therapy, I know that part of a therapist’s role can be to challenge the clients’ worldviews and form alternate hypotheses for them to consider. This encourages the client to consider alternate possibilities or make links between events and their own psyche. Sometimes it works as intended, and sometimes it doesn’t. Although if your therapist is a good one, they’ll be willing to respect your opinions on this if you give them pushback. A good therapist should support their client’s sane and sensible decisions even if they disagree with the specifics.

And I can’t think of anything more sane than supporting a child you care about through inimical times. It’s what family is for. But the sociocultural and legal context you live in… the American one is going to drastically complicate things no matter your decision.

If the ‘adoption’ line of thought doesn’t pan out, the fact that the kid feels secure enough to reach out to your family is evidence alone that you are respected and valued. You can still support her by being a comforting source of affirmation, providing advice, or setting up resources for her to access when she’s an adult. Supporting a relative doesn’t have to involve full adoption, and you probably have the means to do other things in the meantime.

Em: Both Valerie and Summer expressed my thoughts exactly. If I were in your position, I would want to adopt her and I would also be extremely afraid of the legal implications (I.e. kidnapping). You would be the one taking all the blame which might end up hurting the situation even more. If your sister really isn’t amenable to family therapy or some sort of compromise, the best middle ground is to be that safe landing spot weekends at a time. You also don’t want to put so much tension on your relationship with her that she doesn’t let her child come over at all. It’s okay to exist in the middle, even if that means you’re someone she can call or text whenever.

When I was coming out I had a “safe aunt” who I spent ALL my time with. She made all the difference in how I learned to accept and conceptualize myself within my family. Having this person is crucial, and I can tell you’re already that person for her.

Sa’iyda: I think your instinct to help is honorable. It’s important for your niece to know that she has safe adults who will love and affirm who she is. I think it’s probably best to start small: let her come for extended visits when school allows, or just for the weekend, and let her present the way she wants. This way, she gets support, and you’re actively helping her get away from her parents, even if it’s only for a short time. If that goes well, then maybe you could consider taking on more full-time responsibilities.

In the meanwhile, you should talk to a lawyer who deals with this kind of thing and see what your options are. If you know your sister would be mad at you, she might try to take you to court or have you arrested. So you need to go in armed with the knowledge of what you can and cannot do in this situation. While you’re working all of that out, just continue to show up. I understand feeling hopeless and finding something tangible you can do to combat those feelings. But families are super complicated, and you want to make any decisions as safely as possible for everyone involved.

Nico: I agree with everyone who thinks that full adoption or legal custody might be a possibility down the road, to seek out the help of a lawyer, and to start small. I think, also, that your therapist doesn’t have a fully realized point because you do know what it entails to care for and raise a kid — you have a son the same age as your niece, after all. You can probably estimate what this would take financially and what it might take time-wise and otherwise to take on this responsibility. And, it’s good of you to want to do this and it is an extremely normal and human response to your sister and brother-in-law’s intolerance with, as Summer said, a long history in the queer community. Family rifts also have a long history in the queer community, and I think they have been getting more common than they were for a while during the Obama years, so it’s not like you’ll be alone in that experience, either.

I also want to push back against the idea that it is somehow a negative to want to act, in any way you can, in the face of all the oppression that the current administration rains down on us daily. Act in any way you can and have the means to in order to combat it! Don’t just shut yourself in and tune the world out! And if you can be a rock and offer a safe place for your trans niece, then that is one more act of goodness and resistance in these shit times.

Riese: I do wanna echo everybody else’s advice but really stress the legal concerns here —this administration is insane when it comes to gender-affirming care and IDK what state you live in, but if your niece’s father is a MAGA nutbag, I cannot imagine the hell they might manage to unleash upon you. People are pouring a lot of money into exploiting situations like this for their own political gain. I get anxious just thinking about it! I wouldn’t put it past them to charge you with kidnapping or child abuse, or at the very least doxx you and publicize the situation.

Do whatever you can to keep everybody as safe as you can. Even if she doesn’t come to live with you, I think it’s really important for her to hear and understand that her life won’t be like this forever, that she will get older and become an adult and be able to leave and be her true self, like so many kids from intolerant and hateful families have had to do throughout history. And provide that safe space for her as best you can.

How Can I Make Space For My Creative Pursuits Now That We’re Co-Habitating?

Q

How do I make time for my passion projects now that I’m living with my girlfriend? I’m so sooo happy to finally be sharing an apartment with her and it’s honestly blissful. But I find myself on the couch with her every night watching movies and cuddling instead of pursuing the creative pursuits that used to bring me so much meaning and connection — mainly drawing, but reading too.  Any tips on how to balance me-time with us-time now that us-time is all the time?

A

Summer: This sounds like one of the natural downsides of cohabitation. It’s magical to interlock your life into a lovely person’s, but you have the same 24 hours she has. To live together, you quite literally have to give some of your hours over to her presence.

But that statement isn’t a it-is-what-it-is about the situation. You can definitely still make time for yourself. You just have to assert it now. When you’re living alone, all of your time at home is yours. The default state of your life looks toward you. Sharing a place with someone means if you’re losing out on You Time, you need to assert it. You Time is no longer the default. It’s something you have to carve out of the day. That could mean notifying your girlfriend that you want to have time for your interests on x day. Or you want to skip an activity that is not yet locked in and insert your own plan. I’m not saying you should just spring it on her and turn down a planned evening together. Definitely not. But to insert your needs into the shared plans and make them heard.

Valerie: Forgive my ignorance, because I have never lived with a girlfriend, but what is stopping you from just…doing it? “Hey I’m going to go read for a bit!” You don’t even necessarily have to leave the room if you don’t need silence or can wear headphones and want to be near each other. “You can watch whatever you want, I’m going to draw so I won’t be paying much attention.” Parallel play is one of my favorite activities. Since I have a remote job, I sometimes will stay with friends or family for small stretches and there are plenty of times I’ve read on the couch while my dad watched NCIS, or played my Switch while my friend read her book. Spending time together doesn’t have to include doing the same activity. But also if you need alone time, it should be something you’re comfortable asking for and your partner is happy to give! That said, as someone who sometimes has trouble trying to decide how to fit in all my personal pursuits in my free time even though I live alone (do I read, play video games, write, watch TV, the options seem endless!), sometimes I do have to try to make myself a little schedule for the day or weekend of what I want to get done, even if it’s for fun activities. Of course, allowing myself to go with the flow depending on how I feel. You can do the same thing, you just might have to communicate it to your partner if it’s something you need her to respect your space for.

Ashni: I struggled with this a lot while living with my ex. For the first few years, we defaulted to “us time”, but because we’re both artists who need alone time to create, our art suffered and we became… cranky lol. We wound up scheduling solo time on our calendars and treating it like any other commitment. It was hard, but ultimately necessary. I think you’ll have to prioritize your time with yourself, otherwise you won’t be able to do the creative things that bring you joy! And I’d hazard a guess that these are some of the things that make you… you. If y’all are shared calendar people, maybe you can schedule something recurring on your calendar, like a big block of alone time. This way you both know when alone time is coming, and you can plan around it to make sure you have ample cuddle / movie time before and after.

Nico: I’m sitting here not having lived with a partner in years, noting that getting rid of that dreaded TV/movie-drenched “us time” is one of the best parts of not co-habitating, especially as someone who would rather be doing so many other things. I think you should both break this habit now before it’s too late!

Some thoughts: if you have a somewhat regular weekly schedule, you can designate certain nights of the week for certain activities. Is Monday night a good night to reserve for solo creative time? Does Thursday night seem like a good night to go on a regular hike or walk? What if you saved all your TV time just for Wednesday nights — a little mid-week break? Obviously, you should do what works for you, but being extremely intentional now can build good habits for the future.

Besides that, it may also help to make your “us time” more intentional. Are you planning regular date nights? These don’t have to be expensive, but should be about you two doing new or favorite activities together. When your couple time feels deeper and more interesting, it will feel less like you’re missing out on that when you take time for your solo creative work.

Finally, for things like drawing and reading, are these things y’all can do together in a new place? Can you and your girlfriend go to a coffee shop and draw (or whatever she likes to work on) or read together? This might be more of a weekend than an evening thing, but even moving to an outside space to sit together in the evening while the weather is warm can change things up, give you two time in proximity to one another, and let you both do the activities that are important to you and your fulfillment.

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