Is Shortening My Maternity Leave The Craziest Most Late Capitalist Idea You’ve Ever Heard?
Q
I am really grateful that my office is giving me 16 weeks maternity leave, but it’s a small org and they won’t be hiring anyone to do my work while I’m gone, it is my understanding that they can’t afford to because of current financial situations in the world that impact the kind of work i do. I feel really awful because I’ve become close friends with my co-workers and I know they will have to do my work while I’m gone. I feel so anxious about this that I am considering going back early, but my wife thinks that this is the “craziest, most late capitalist idea” she has ever heard. I work from home and my partner has 6 months leave, so our child won’t be without care. Is this the craziest, most late capitalist idea you’ve ever heard?
A
Valerie: My answer is somewhere in the middle; I’m not going to recommend doing it, but not because I think it’s the “craziest, most late capitalist idea” I’ve ever heard. It’s very kind of you to be worried about your coworkers, and I understand, I do…but it’s not your responsibility to go back early. It’s your job’s responsibility to accommodate this leave and ensure the work is delegated appropriately. Since you said you work from home, I assume you’re not a heart surgeon or something else that is literally life and death, so the work will either get done or it won’t, but for those 16 weeks, your family is your only priority, not the job. You’ll be doing yourself, your baby, your wife, and your co-workers more of a service to take the time, recover from what will be the stark transition of adding a whole human baby to your daily life, and adjust to your new sleep schedule (or lack thereof) for the first few months. I know this is easier said than done, but I also do believe that a) once the baby actually arrives, you will feel differently about when you want to go back to work, and b) those 16 weeks will fly by for both you and your coworkers. The company would not offer 16 weeks of maternity leave if they were not able to provide 16 weeks of maternity leave; and if they aren’t able, that’s on their poor planning, not on you. You also don’t want to set a precedent! If it helps you to consider others more than yourself, think of it this way: if you come back early from maternity leave, what if that sets the expectation for your next coworker who goes on maternity leave to come back early? What if it becomes an unwritten rule that people aren’t supposed to take the full 16 weeks offered? Or worse, what if it makes them shorten the policy altogether? So really you’ll be HELPING your coworkers by taking the entire leave; I promise they’ll understand (at least, anyone worth anything will) and they’ll just be that much happier to see you when you do come back to reclaim your responsibilities.
Sa’iyda: It’s not the “craziest, most late capitalist idea,” but it is a VERY BAD IDEA. As someone who has given birth, you need all 16 of those weeks to recover. Heck, I’d argue that’s not even enough to be fully recovered, but it’s a good place to start. The first 12 weeks after you give birth are what has come to be known as the fourth trimester, when your body is still figuring out that the baby is on the outside and not still inside of you. There are so many hormonal fluctuations happening as your body readjusts! You will likely still be bleeding and recovering from whatever birth you have. And then you’re adjusting to a whole person who depends on you every single minute of the day. There is no guarantee that the baby will have any sort of solid sleep schedule during that time, and you will be exhausted. You shouldn’t be working through that early brain fog; it’s horrible. It’s really important for everyone: you, your partner, your cute little baby, and all of your coworkers, that you take the full amount of time to heal that you can. Going back early isn’t a guarantee that you will be back at full capacity, which could put more pressure on your coworkers to pick up the slack. That’s not doing them any favors, right? So, take your 16 weeks, rest, recharge, and go back feeling as refreshed as you possibly can with a tiny baby around, okay?
Summer: My opinion isn’t as sharply-worded as your wife’s, but it’s in the same postal code.
You’re legally (and IMO morally) entitled to maternity leave. Your business operates with an understanding that maternity leave is a possibility in its workforce. Sometimes, the way it plays out is that others have to pick up work due to unfortunate circumstances. You were given your maternity leave despite that possibility. I don’t think anyone there has legal or moral grounds to oppose the interest in caring for a new human being.
Maternity leave isn’t just for the well-being of the child. It’s mostly to their benefit, yeah. But it’s also there for the parents. It’s there to allow a family to adapt and share time together during a critical and stressful period of a child’s existence. It gives parents the space needed to cultivate parental routines and skills. It keeps more hands on deck for emergencies during the difficult earliest years of childhood. It gives the child time to bond with their parents.
I don’t think you’re a better or worse person for taking either option you’ve been presented with. But I will ask you to not just view this as the cost of taking leave versus working for your teammates, and see this as… a weighing of costs between helping your office team or potentially setting back your parental development, your child’s access to their parent at a crucial time, and your wife’s need for support and company. There’s a lot more riding this than a child’s essential care needs.
Riese: I know people are always telling new parents how they are going to feel about things but I feel like there is a 95% chance that the moment your leave begins, any whisper of wanting to go back early will vanish from your mind immediately. I also work at a small company and my co-workers, also some of my best friends, would not have abided me coming back to work early, I suspect your co-workers are in the same camp.
Kayla: Yeah, just confirming that if Riese had tried to come back from her leave early, I would have threatened her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m Worried My Girlfriend Won’t Be Making Out With As Many People As Me
Q
My girlfriend-wife-to-be and I are sexually and emotionally monogamous. However, I like to make out with other people for fun if we’re out and it happens or at a queer event or something. This was also the case before we seriously dated and I made out with both her and other people at the same event. We’ve discussed this at length and in depth and have decided we are both okay with the other person doing this since we are so secure in this relationship and sometimes you just wanna kiss a hot stranger. However, she has had fewer queer and casual experiences so has never made out with a random person at a bar whereas as I have many times. She also has low self esteem and isn’t used to other people perceiving her or thinking she’s hot. I want us to both be able to have fun and make out with hot people and then only go home together. In theory we both agree with this but I’m worried that if I make out with people and she doesn’t she’ll just feel worse and left out which is the last thing I want but I also don’t want to not make out with people because of that or make her feel like she’s preventing me from having fun. I also fantasize about other people alot but I know I don’t actually want to have sex or a relationship with someone other than her but I love the attention and validation from other people. Have any of you ever been in a relationship with any similarities and if you ever felt like the shy or less confident partner how did your partner’s confident or flirty behavior make you feel?
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Summer: Yeah, this describes some of the earlier years of my current relationship. It’s non-monogamous and always has been. But I proverbially put myself out there and chased people more often and she’s more of a homebody. We had plenty of discussions over a perceived ‘imbalance’ in how we engage with non-monogamy. My main take-away from this experience was that if your communication is robust, you can take your partner’s word at its meaning and proceed. And if your communication is robust, your partner will tell (or show) you that something is uncomfortable.
Non-monogamy is rarely indulged in a completely equal capacity. Very few relationships only play non-monogamously if everyone does the exact same thing to the same frequency. Relationships are made up of people and we tend to have differing sexual needs, appetites, and interests. The things we get out of sexual contact may not make sense to our partners, or something our partner finds uninteresting might be our fave. People are a diverse lot. As far as I can tell, if you trust your girlfriend’s word, then you can do what you’ve both agreed to.
Kayla: Yeah, I think communication can fill any perceived “gaps” between the way y’all experience and practice your particular arrangement. If she’s telling you she’s fine with it, you have to take her word for it! And if it turns out she’s not being emotionally honest with you, well, that’s on her to adjust. If she struggles with low self esteem or confidence, it’s worth seeing if there are things you could be doing that could make her feel better —quite possibly those things might have nothing to do with you making out with other people. Maybe she just wants more compliments or something! You could just be projecting by thinking your makeout sessions are impacting her self-esteem, so check in.
Riese: I have been in similar situations — not where I was necessarily the less confident one, but where there was some open-ness in the relationship and I was the one who was less outgoing and charming and also (if we are being honest) less likely to have people be attracted to me — and there can definitely be potential for tension there! But in one of those relationships I felt insecure and upset and in the other I did not, and the difference was the latter person made me feel adored and loved, like I was the most important and hottest person in the room to her, no matter what else she was up to, and I felt comfortable communicating my feelings with her. I simply never doubted that I was the one she was with, you know? I don’t think these actions (kissing other people or not) are really what makes someone feel solid and secure, it’s about the energy and love and security you radiate the rest of the time.
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Q1- I completely agree with everything said here – take that maternity leave!! I also wanted to offer an alternative solution (but I’m not a parent, so take this with a big grain of salt!) At my org we also have 16 weeks maternity leave, but it’s given as a lump sum so it doesn’t necessarily all have to be used at once; it can be taken at any time during that first year. Several of my coworkers have used the first 12 weeks after the baby is born, and then taken a month off later in the year once their partner has gone back to work to help with that transition and cover another month of childcare.
If your org allows something like this, I wonder if that could be a good compromise – still taking all of your leave (!!!) but spreading it out a bit. Ultimately though, of ALL the times in life to look after yourself, this is the time! Protect yourself & your wife and your health and your sanity and your new little baby. Do what YOU gotta do & your work can figure it out.
yeah that’s what i’m doing also actually! i took 6 weeks after jude was born, and then i’m taking another 6 starting mid-next-month, after my wife’s leave ends.
I was going to suggest the same thing as the previous comment. A lot of my co-workers have split their time as well. Then taking the second half when their other half’s leave is over. Most of them didn’t come back cause they felt bad for the rest of us. They came back cause they needed to get out of the house and talk to adults. Heard it too many times.