Can’t People Change?
Q
I’d been dating someone for a few weeks who I was really into. On what turned out to be our last date, she asked me if I’d ever cheated on previous partners. I told her the truth: that I had — in high school (I was young, stupid, insecure and reckless) and then, five years ago, near the end of a very long term relationship. I felt at the time that my girlfriend wasn’t in love with me anymore, but she insisted that she was, even though she didn’t prioritize us spending time together, and didn’t express sexual attraction towards me. I felt unwanted and unappreciated, and stepped out on her with someone else who made me feel alive, which actually gave me the confidence to break it off. I’m not saying that made it okay, or that anything makes cheating okay, but it did turn out that my partner was also having basically an emotional affair (she is now married to that person) that was just a “new intense friendship” at the time but, knowing what I know now, it was clearly part of why she felt so disconnected.
ANYWAYS, this new person I was seeing had been cheated on in the past in what sounds like a really toxic, terrible situation. But once I’d told her the truth about my own past, she cut things off with me and said she just couldn’t trust anybody who’d cheated on people in the past. I feel GOBSMACKED by this. Can’t people change? Who is she to judge what was okay or understandable in a relationship she wasn’t a part of? For context, that ex I cheated on is one of my best friends today. We’ve forgiven each other for so much.
I don’t want to chase after this girl who rejected me, but if this happens again, how should I handle? What I said to that girl was, “I don’t think my past actions reflect who I am now, I’ve grown and changed since then, and the situation was very specific. But I respect you and understand if that’s a boundary for you, and would love to still be friends if that interests you.” She said she’d think about it but I haven’t heard from her since.
A
Riese: This happens on Love is Blind ALL THE TIME and it drives me bananas! People change! People grow and change. Every relationship is different! The way to be secure in a new relationship is to build a strong one, rooted in shared values and trust and understanding and respect, not to run scared from anybody who’s done anything hurtful to someone else in the past. Being cheated on is really traumatic (proud to share that I’ve had no less than three exes who not only cheated on me but had full-on relationships with other people while dating me) and it fucks you up, it really does, but I agree that she is not qualified to judge what is okay or understandable in a relationship she wasn’t a part of. People are young and act out and fuck up in those final months of a relationship on its way to the grave. I have. I dunno. Doing something bad doesn’t make you a bad person. If your ex has forgiven you then any future partners should too. I feel for you, this really sucks. But it sounds like you guys aren’t actually compatible after all because you have different views on life including on change and forgiveness .
Summer: I know this situation must be triply painful for you because you were very into her. However, this is clearly a firm boundary of hers and she feels strongly about it. People set boundaries and they deserve to be respected. The unassailable right to personal boundaries in dating wouldn’t be valid if we could simply disagree to overcome them.
That she experienced cheating in the past in a particularly terrible situation probably cements it for her in future relationships. That event sounded traumatic and if you were only dating for a few weeks, she likely didn’t give you the full-detail version. She’s made an indelible connection between cheating and the harm she suffered in that relationship. That may not be entirely reasonable or fair to others, but she’s adamant and that’s her right.
The nature of your cheating and the explanation probably isn’t relevant. I think that to her, cheating of any kind is unjustifiable or not worth pursuing further. You did the right thing by answering her honestly and affirming that you’ve changed your behaviors. She’s still allowed to turn down any future connection. I think you’d be better off moving on from her with the knowledge that you acted honestly, but you were both incompatible.
Nico: I don’t know that it will necessarily happen the same way again. It sounds like she has some pretty strong boundaries around this, and like she’s using boundaries correctly — she ran into a non-negotiable disqualifier for her, and she broke things off. It sucks a ton to be rejected for something you can’t change, for something in your past, but I doubt that things would have worked if your past made her this uncomfortable. The right person for you to date will be someone who hears about this situation, empathizes, and for whom it isn’t a dealbreaker. You should continue to be honest, and hope for the same from dates. I also think that if someone wants to break something off with you because of this past situation, you don’t have to listen to any judgments they have about it. That can be a boundary you hold for yourself. I’m not saying that this date of yours did this necessarily, but I do want to affirm that you don’t have to take excess judgment if you encounter it. You know where you stand now and how you want to act going forward, and that is enough.
How Do I Talk to Straight People Without Seeming Like a Man-Hating Lesbian?
Q
I have a lot of straight friends and they spend a lot of time complaining about their husbands. During one of these complaint sessions I said something (I don’t even remember what it was) about how awful men were in some way, and my friend snapped at me, “Look we get it that you’re a lesbian and don’t like men, but the rest of us here are trying to.” Apparently this has been an *ongoing issue* with me where they feel like I’m just too anti-men overall?
Any tips on how best to listen to your straight friends talk shit about their husbands and be supportive in a way that does not upset them?
A
Summer: Ugh, why are straights like th-
Oh, sorry. There I go too. Uh well, it says a lot about your friends that they would snap at you and make it about your queerness over this. Because last I checked, complaining about men (often justifiably) is one of the richest pastimes women share. It isn’t just a funny thing either. It’s how women sought social support from each other when wider society or police failed to protect us. Kitchen conversations and ‘gossip’ during barbecues, ladies tea, etc. Those aren’t always just hangouts. They’re a place for solidarity and mutual support. It looks to me like some of that support has fractured when it comes to protecting you, and I’m worried that they’d portray it as being a ‘lesbian’ thing when they’re complaining about men too.
If you want to stick with your friends, this is going to be a bite-your-tongue situation. It may be better to not chime in unless you feel sure about their response. And if that doesn’t work… Those hangouts or even those friends may not be a good fit for you any longer. That sucks, I know.
Valerie: If they don’t love you at your man-hating lesbian, they don’t deserve you at your women supporting women best. As a loud and proud misandrist, I say just keep being you, and every time they accuse you of being anti-man, just tell them that they don’t seem to like them all that much either. “Some of us are trying to” sounds like comp-het behavior to me, Sharon! My advice is to get more queer friends. Either adding them to this group or exiting this one in favor of a new group. I’m too old and too tired now to be the only queer person in a group of straights anymore and I highly recommend it.
Nico: Man-hating lesbians don’t come out of the void — misogyny both broadly and on an individual level takes its toll, so I do get your stance. However, having a generally man-hating stance, in my opinion, is not the most helpful when it comes to creating welcoming space for trans men, just as a thing to keep in mind. I think what might be happening is that your friends feel judged in some way by your comments, or like you’re being unfair to them because you’re not in the same situation (doomed to be straight). I am curious about what you said, because this snapping feels defensive. I’d definitely try to be thoughtful about what you say and how, and whether you’re saying something too mean about a man someone actually likes, maybe try asking more questions about the situations. That said, you need more than this straight friend group, so I hope you have queer friends you can talk to, too.
Submit your own advice questions right here!
AF members get the benefit of having your advice questions answered by the team. We do our best to answer every question, which is like, 99% of them — very rarely do they stump us. Questions remain anonymous!
You can send questions on any topic, at any time. Submit those questions into the AF+ Contact Box which we’ve also embedded here:AF+ Contact & Advice Inbox
