My Mom Insists He Wants To Come and Support Me
Q
When I came out to my family, my (now) stepfather was absolutely AWFUL about it, and afterwards we basically settled into not really having a relationship even though I’m close with my mom. I am 75% sure he voted for Trump. They live on the opposite side of the country so I don’t have to see him that much, my Mom comes out to visit me & my gf without him. When I’m back home for the holidays, there’s lots of family around and me and my gf stay with my Dad & stepmom so it’s easy not to spend much one-on-one time with him. (Officially the reason for this is that my mom & stepdad have cats and my gf is allergic, and bc my dad’s house has more space, but the other reason is that i don’t want to be around my stepdad.) Now me and my gf are getting married next year, and I don’t want him to come. My Mom is really upset about this and said he wants to come and support me, that he feels awful for how he reacted at the time, he was ignorant, and wants to make amends. I said that’s fine but i barely know this man and don’t want him there. She said it will be really hard for her to be there alone when my dad is there with my stepmom. my dad left my mom for my stepmom, so i get why she feels that way. My dad & stepmom have always been really supportive of me though, so I do want them there even though he did that to my mom. I just don’t want my stepdad there, it’s my wedding. What should i do?
A:
Summer: The final call is yours. It’s your wedding (and your girlfriend’s). I was ready for a less sympathetic setup but when I got to your mother’s expression that he wants to be present… Well that complicates things.
My first question is honestly why your stepfather hasn’t tried to bring this up himself. I know you and your girlfriend go through great lengths to avoid him, but are there barriers keeping him from expressing his regret and feelings directly? I’m not saying you shouldn’t trust your mother’s word about his regret, but this should be the kind of thing handled by him. Directly. To you. Strictly speaking, this is between you and him, so having a line with him would give you an idea of how to proceed, even if the interaction is unpleasant.
It’s clear that whatever you went through is deeply horrible and you can absolutely decline to invite him. But if you want to consider your options, how… out-of-bounds is it for you to try and locate more facts about the situation from your stepdad directly, rather than via an intermediary?
Valerie: Hot take from someone who has never been married but is advice I’ve given to everyone I’ve ever known planning a wedding: your guest list is up to you and the person you’re marrying, end of story. If you don’t feel like your stepdad has made any meaningful attempt to make amends, why would you want to invite him? Surely there will be other family and friends your mother knows at the wedding, so it’s not like you’ll be stranding her in a sea of strangers. Your wedding isn’t about her, and she’ll have to see your dad and stepmom regardless of who she’s there with. Probably what she really doesn’t want is to explain to everyone that her husband isn’t there because he’s homophobic. But that’s not your problem. Also seems convenient that he seems to want to make amends and you’re only hearing about it now that there’s a wedding invite on the line. Actions have consequences. He was homophobic, he doesn’t get to come to the gay wedding. She chose to stay with someone who was an asshole about her child coming out, and clearly never encouraged him to plead for forgiveness or build back up his relationship with you, so she has to go to your wedding alone. I seemed to have misplaced my teeny tiny violin.
Riese: I agree with Summer that if this man does want to apologize to you and is experiencing regret, for how he treated you before that is actually your first order of business here — he’s gotta say that to you! I don’t think you can make any decisions about this until he’s done so. This man being present at your wedding proper won’t make or break your experience, but I think it’s more like, the rest of it? I imagine he’ll be in town with your Mom, maybe there’s a rehearsal dinner, in your family photos, other family-only things happening? Idk I feel like when it’s been a family member getting married there are EVENTS besides just the wedding itself. If this man wants to be part of that inner circle, he owes you a conversation about that alleged regret, first. Also I think it’s fair, if he does end up coming, that you are picky about which wedding-adjacent events you want him at.
Nico: Apologies not made directly to you are not apologies — they’re just performances for other people. Now, what would you do if he actually apologized directly to you? Is that something you want or something that would change things? I think these are important questions to consider. You don’t have to accept an apology as a game-changer. Your feelings and the ways your stepdad (and mom) hurt them are real and valid. You aren’t responsible for how your parents conducted their personal romantic business with each other, or the hurts that they should be managing between them. That’s not on you. You aren’t the one who cheated on your mom, and it’s immature to expect you to make up for that considering the circumstances.
This isn’t someone who makes you feel a little awkward. This is someone who you suspect (assuming reasonably so) voted for someone who represents violence and persecution for you, your girlfriend, and countless other people in the US and beyond. This is someone who was outright cruel to you and has never apologized, and if we’re talking about people who should be compromising for others — if he really cared about your mother, he would have compromised and swallowed his shit a good, long time ago. To me, it sounds like your mom should get a hot new boyfriend and bring him to the wedding, or maybe you could seat your mom with some actually decent single guys her age — just saying.
How To Friend My Ex Without Sending Mixed Signals
Q
My Ex and I dated for five years, we’ve been broken up for nearly a year and we are both in new relationships. I am very happy with my girlfriend and I wish them happiness as well, the breakup was not mutual as we both knew the relationship was over but I technically ended things and they did not take it well. We went back and forth for months before deciding to do no contact. We haven’t spoken since December, but I want to reach out to them. They were a huge part of my life for so long and we had a respectful, kind relationship. I am wondering how to approach a potential friendship with them in a way that makes my partner secure and doesn’t send mixed signals to my ex.
A
Summer: Huh. My first thought is whether your current partner would be okay with you reaching out to a no-contact ex. I would check with the current partner first and get their opinions before proceeding. But if you get the green light… I’d just be direct. Pick an avenue that you both feel comfortable with (probably online?), send a polite, but not overly friendly message about where you’ve been mentally and why you’ve reached out. Then wait. I advise against being overly MLM-scheme friendly because you don’t know for certain where their feelings have taken them during this year apart. It pays to not presume a positive or negative outcome.
I think a year is long enough for you to try and make contact, especially since you both have new partners. In your position, I’d just approach it like reconnecting with anyone: friendly, to-the-point, and with no expectation of instant gratification.
Valerie: You’re not going to like my answer, but my advice would be…don’t reach out to them. If you are the one who instigated the breakup and they didn’t take it well, I think the ball is in their court to break the no-contact rule you both set up. It seems like the boundary was set up mostly to help them come to terms with the breakup, and even if they have a new partner, you can’t be sure they’re over it enough to talk to you again without re-opening those wounds or rekindling those feelings. If you have mutual friends, you could drop something like “I miss being friends with them but want to respect their boundaries” and if that gets back to them, they can choose to reach out. But unfortunately, I think you just have to wait them out, and be open and clear about your feelings and intentions if/when they do reach out again.
Mal: This is a tricky one, being that the ‘no-contact’ was mutual and probably really hard but so emotionally responsible on your end. It’s clear you really care about them and are super considerate in thinking this through. I’d gently advise not to reach out to them. :( However, I’d take an honest inventory of why you want to reach out to them, log what’s going on when you have the urge to and sort other ways to quell what you’re desiring from them specifically. When I read “…approach a potential friendship with them that makes my partner secure and doesn’t send mixed signals to my ex” it communicated to me that it’s seemingly too early to attempt friendship at the moment. When you say ‘potential friendship’ what would the day to day workings of that look like? Is it wrapped in the subtle nuanced language of familiarity of 5 years? The very subtle things that kept you connected? The ways that only you know how to show up for? I do think safe friendship is possible for sure. I just think it might take a little more time and I think you will know without a doubt exactly how to reach out and when the time is right. A thing that helped me when I was in a similar situation was having one non-judgemental neutral friend that I deeply trusted that I could write an email or text to pretending like it was my ex unloading all the things I needed to say every time the urge hit me. There was something that felt cathartic about getting it out of my body, obviously not quite the same but extremely helpful. It helped me sort what I was actually needing and protected my ex at the same time. My fear was not wanting to be disruptive to the healing process of everyone involved. Eventually the desire calmed down and out of nowhere she reached out to me. We rekindled our friendship and I got to genuinely know her based on the newness that was grown without the ‘us’ undertone.
Nico: I think it’s probably a no and very likely too soon, but one way to look into this a little bit further is to see if a mutual friend is willing to poke a little for you. If/when they tell you that your ex would rather not break contact, it’s best to just let it go. If on the off-chance they say that your ex is actually open to talking again, well, there you go!
As far as not sending mixed signals goes, in any situation where you don’t want to do that, simply don’t! Don’t flirt! Don’t do any touching except for hello and goodbye hugs, don’t put yourself in make-out-vibe situations. Keep it light and clean and platonic. As for helping your partner to feel secure, I feel like that all comes down to how you treat your partner. If your partner feels like you’re not present with her in what is a pretty darn new relationship, then it’ll be difficult to help her feel secure. Similarly, you’re just going to have to communicate with your girlfriend, and to expect for there to potentially be some discomfort you’ll have to make some choices around.
Kayla: I am leaning toward not reaching out because of the mutually agreed upon nature of the no contact, suggesting your ex indeed does not want contact. That said, I do not know the particulars of your communication arrangement (or why you deemed it necessary in the first place) or the general vibe of the relationship. I guess I’m left wondering: Why exactly do you want to reach out and what is it that you’re hoping to achieve? Do you have concrete answers to those questions? I would sit with them for a bit before reaching out, if that’s what you decide to do. Also going from no contact to friendship is something that could very well take a lot of time, so if you do take the plunge, just know that it likely won’t happen overnight!
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