Should I Listen To My Jealousy About My Ex-Wife’s Wife Being a More Active Parent Than My Girlfriend
Q
My girlfriend of 2.5 yrs never wanted to be a parent and was clear about that when we started dating, but was okay with me having a young son (my ex and I split custody), just wanted to be clear she would not be a new mom. Everything else about her is perfect so I was okay with it. Besides, my son already had two moms. My gf and my son get along well, we do things the three of us, hang out at home, etc, so it’s not like they have a bad relationship.
My ex remarried last year and I find myself being jealous of how much her new wife loves parenting our son, our son calls her ‘dad’ and they do things one-on-one, whereas my gf has never done a one-on-one outing with our son. Her new wife has always wanted to be a parent and is just so ready to parent our son.
We’ve started talking about moving in together but I fear this resentment will only grow if we do, which I’ve told her, but she has said and I agree that I’m not sure I’d feel this way were it not for my ex-wife’s wife. Am I jealous for myself, or for my son? Am I worried that my wife can offer him a better home life, or that he’ll like being there more than being with us? How do I parse out genuine concerns from pointless envy?
A:
Valerie: Take this with a grain of salt, because I am not and have never been married, nor do I have kids…but I think it’s unrealistic of your new partner to expect to not be a parent while seriously dating/living with someone with a kid. I think you and your son both deserve someone who is more than “okay with” you having a son, but is willing to be part of his life. This isn’t like dating someone with a dog and not wanting to share responsibilities for the pet. This is a human child! Her being around is going to affect his development and his life, whether she wants it to or not. She can have boundaries about what is expected of her, like I’m not saying she has to let the kid call her “mama” or anything, but to expect to not be any kind of parental figure in his life is unrealistic, and I’m not surprised you’re feeling jealous of watching your ex’s partner accept this role. Perhaps you should consider if YOU’RE okay with someone who is just “okay” with you having a son, instead of ready and willing to be part of his life. And maybe you didn’t feel this way before your ex’s partner was in the picture, but it’s also okay if you didn’t realize this was something you wanted until you saw it was an option.
Summer: Well, I can’t hold anything against your current girlfriend because she made it clear she did not want full co-parenting responsibilities and you agreed to it. She’s done nothing out of sync with the agreement you made at the start of the relationship.
I don’t think it’s fair to bear resentment towards your girlfriend for doing nothing wrong. Just because she doesn’t come away as well in a parenting comparison doesn’t delete her other good qualities. As you say, she’s ‘perfect’ at everything else. I think this is a You Thing that needs reflection or therapizing. Your son isn’t even being harmed here, seeing as you son has just added another active parent to their lives. If your son is enjoying the relationship, your ex-wife is getting more support, and you’re still doing your part… that sounds like life has improved for your son. You girlfriend is allowed to be a secondary component in the dynamic and just by sharing a life with you, she’s participating in childcare. She may not be doing things directly, but supporting you is supporting your son. The only person being harmed by your envy/jealousy at the moment is yourself. That’s an almost textbook experience and I think you’re correct that the resentment should be addressed before it gets stronger.
Sa’iyda: Yeah, you really need to think about this relationship. I have a very emotionally complicated co-parenting situation with my ex, so I may be more sensitive about this, but dating someone who doesn’t want to actively be a parent is just not a great idea. Eventually, resentment is going to happen. And if you really didn’t mind your girlfriend’s hands-off approach, then you wouldn’t be having feelings about your ex’s new wife having such an active relationship with your kid. Your envy isn’t “pointless,” your child is a very important and active part of your life.
I don’t know exactly how old your son is, but kids are incredibly observant, and he is going to start noticing the differences between your ex’s new wife and your girlfriend. Are you prepared to answer questions like, “why doesn’t x like me as much as y does?” or “why doesn’t x want to spend more time with me?” Because it might happen, and when you least expect it. I know your son has two moms already, but if you date someone who is a parent, even if it’s only part time, you need to be fully on board. Especially if you live together.
I think you really need to sit with this one and think long and hard about what your future looks like.
How To Stop Smoking Weed
Q
Help– I’m moving somewhere cannabis is illegal after being a daily+ smoker for almost five years. I’m not comfortable “getting a guy,” and there are other reasons to quit. But– I really, really, really don’t want to. I like smoking, and I haven’t not done it for more than a week successfully. I also tend to drink more when I’m smoking less. I am bereft. How do I make myself want to quit, or at least deal with not wanting to?
A
Summer: Well, substance use is one of two areas I can claim to be an ‘subject matter expert’ in so I feel compelled to say a bit.
If you’re open to hearing that you may have a problem with cannabis, that’s what I’ll do. Because there is truth to the saying that recognising the existence of a problem is the first step to addressing it.
I’m presuming that your cannabis use is recreational since it’s a substitute for alcohol and no medical needs are mentioned. If so, half a decade of daily recreational use is a lot. Daily use is at the very high end of people’s usage habits, and has a very high risk of withdrawal when ceased, if the NCBI is anything to go by (and I go by them, since this administration is defunding them).
Given that you already have reasons to stop, including the risks and problems of getting a dealer, I think you already have valid reasons to work on recovery. The first step in that direction is deciding you have a problematic relationship with substance use. Although that process feels shameful due to the stigma attached to addiction, it’s not just stigma. Problematic substance use can be addressed as a mental and physical health condition that warrants care and recovery. That’s how effective approaches view it, instead of seeing it as a moral failing or personal deficiency.
Coming to terms with the fact that it’s harming you is one of the best ways to nudge yourself to quitting. It’s certainly better than the lie countless others tell themselves about being completely fine, able to quit anytime, definitely having it under control. Those are the overly-optimistic thoughts of people not actively engaging with the very difficult endeavour of actually quitting.
I think you’ve reached the point of others in recovery (of any kind) before you. You’re a rational, capable being and even though things are tough, you can still do the cost-benefit analysis that we’re all capable of. And the costs of cannabis use in your life are mounting to the point where quitting is really appealing. Being vulnerable and honest about the magnitude of your situation is not weakness. It’ll open your mind to recovery-oriented support and resources. It’ll put recovery and improvement into focus. Recovery doesn’t have to be perfect either. Almost everyone who is trying will relapse at some point. I relapse into my eating disorder sometimes. Former addicts can reach a breaking point and slip back. Relapse, withdrawal, and loss are not signs of failure. They’re evidence of positive work being done.
Nico: It sounds like, to me, as long as you don’t give in to “getting a guy,” that you’re going to have to quit. You said yourself that you won’t be able to buy cannabis where you’re moving. Just don’t let yourself convince yourself to find that plug, and you’ll have some serious external barriers to smoking on the regular.
As for drinking more instead of smoking, a great way to meet people in a new place is to get exercise in a group of some kind — classes, running clubs, adult sports leagues. If you’re worried about drinking, then incorporating regular commitments to exercise can help because it is in fact pretty difficult to drink alcohol and, say, run after a softball.
Finally, my therapist likes to tell me (usually about setting boundaries in my case) “sometimes things that are good for us, feel BAD.” Quitting might feel bad! You might never actually be delighted to quit, but you know that you need to anyway, regardless, and I think that you can show yourself that love and self-care by putting your health and wellbeing first, ahead of temporary comforts.
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for LW 1, I tend to think that jealousy is really informative – when I’m jealous of someone/something, it often is pointing me towards something I want but haven’t articulated yet. I think it’s not fair to say that your feelings are ‘just because’ your ex got a new excited-about-parenting-partner, and so they aren’t really serious – I think your ex’s new partner has illuminated for you something that is a genuine desire you maybe just didn’t know you had before this (as Valerie). now maybe you can decide you don’t want to own that desire, or that trading off that desire for the other positives in your life is worthwhile, but I think it’s a feeling to take seriously.
As a parent myself, if my wife and I ever got divorced I would never want to live with a new partner who didn’t fully embrace my son. Not that they would need to be a third parent per se, but I would expect that they treat him as a valuable member of our family. To me, that would mean taking on some level of caregiving, especially if he was still a little kid. It sounds like your partner made her desires clear, so she isn’t doing anything wrong, but you need to seriously consider if this relationship is a good fit for your family.