Is It Okay To Want Top Surgery This Much?

Q

I really want to get top surgery. I’m not a trans guy or non-binary. I just hate my DD boobs and always have. I have a lot of trans masc and nb friends and I feel overwhelming jealousy of their top surgery. I told my wife I wanted to do this, even if it cost money out of pocket, and she was kinda miffed about it, saying it seems like a silly thing to spend money on when we’re trying to save for a house down payment. She didn’t say NO but doesn’t seem to understand how much this means to me.  I’ve been depressed ever since that conversation.. I’m not excited about one day having a house because I will still have these boobs!! Can I feel dysphoric about my boobs even though I’m a butch woman and not trans?

A:

Summer: So it’s definitely possible to experience dysphoria about parts of the body without reconsidering their gender identity. That’s the foundation of any aesthetic modification that stems from a deep desire to ‘change’ one’s appearance. I want a nose job, but that doesn’t change my core identity. When someone has the desire to alter a secondary sexual characteristic, there’ll be inevitable questions about whether this is related to your gendered self. You’ll get those questions from medical professionals, loved ones, and yourself. It’s worth hearing out some perspectives on it, especially if they’re concerns in your own mind.

Otherwise, you sound adamant about getting top surgery. I believe what you’re looking for is a voluntary double mastectomy. Sometimes dubbed a prophylactic double mastectomy when used to reduce breast cancer risk. I can’t speak to the specifics of how to get one since that’ll depend on your place of residence, healthcare access, and even how you can advocate your position to medical professionals. But people do alter their secondary sexual characteristics because they feel disconnected from their body. Sure, most people add to, or alter their breasts rather than remove them, but that just makes you a minority, not nonexistent.

Nico: Yep. You’re not the only cis woman who’s wanted top surgery! Plenty of women, especially women on the butch/masc spectrum. Reasons include wanting to fit into the clothes that they feel good in, being tired of feeling like their breasts get in the way of exercise, and also pain from the weight of the breasts. It’s my understanding that having breasts on the larger side can be uncomfortable for some people, many of whom choose breast reduction. Finally, some women opt for just full removal instead of reduction so they can experience the freedom of not wearing a bra and even enjoy time out in the world shirtless.

Now, as for your conversation — that IS depressing. It’s also depressing that top surgery costs so much and so do house down payments. I can’t tell you two what to do financially, but the first place to start is with a conversation about your shared finances, shared goals, and how you’re getting there. And, yes, each of you are allowed to bring goals you have for yourselves and your personal fulfillment to these conversations.

Riese: I think there’s a vast spectrum of gender experiences and presentations that a person can have —you can not identify as trans and/or nonbinary but still feel that not having boobs is part of how your specific gender is best expressed. I feel like the jury’s still out on what exactly goes into any given experience of gender. But I know lots of people who’ve gotten top surgery despite not identifying as trans and/or nonbinary —some did, eventually, come out as trans and/or nonbinary, but many did not! Also I imagine DD boobs are pretty heavy, it’s within reason that you’d want to downsize those guys, and why not just downsize them all the way? You could probably finance part of the surgery if there are out-of-pocket expenses — but I think what Nico said is really important —you are allowed to bring goals you have for your own personal fulfillment to these financial conversations.

How Can I Learn To Love My Body?

Q

Hey! I need advice about crippling body image issues that have recently come up for me. I am a 30-something year old, who in the last 5 years has realised I am EXTREMELY queer, and loving my new-found acceptance of my sexual identity. More recently, I have also been having some _feelings_ about gender – I think I am non-binary, and leaning into the more masc side of my identity, and starting to embrace that too.

This is all background to say, I have all of these new swirling feelings about sexuality and gender, most of which are euphoric. BUT along with this, I have been so uncomfortable with my body I sometimes feel I want to rip my skin off. I have had (what I feel are) the usual body concerns growing up AFAB – diet culture and the like have made me aware of being too “big” or not feminine enough. I have done my best to combat this, and I have been a weightlifter for about 10 years. As a result of this, I have a really big, muscular frame – which sounds like it should be a brag – but along with hips and breasts and a new masc gender feeling, all of this has left me in a mess of body dysphoria. I think the advice I am asking is this: apart from therapy (which I am doing), what are some ways I can learn to love my body where it is at, as it is, without becoming obsessed with how people perceive me? I understand that maybe I am asking you to answer the equivalent to the meaning of life, but as a group of cool queer people, do you have any advice on radical body acceptance, gender acceptance, and love?

A

Summer: I’m sure you’ll get diverse opinions about this one. The angle I try to advise people on in this situation is informed by body neutrality. It’s an approach that tries to remove positive and negative value judgments from body image and first reduce bodies to their component functions. Before building up values again slowly.

So it would be like not seeing parts of your body as being ‘beautiful’ or ‘unattractive’, but looking toward their function. You are a weightlifter and you have robust arm, back, and core muscles. You have a sizable frame that supports these functions and provides necessary cushion when lifting. And so forth.

Another thing about body neutrality is that its orientation is not viciously positive. It leaves room to be dissatisfied with the functions and aesthetics of parts of your body, but encourages seeing the proverbial greener grass. Now, part of the dysphoria you’re experiencing is clearly gendered, and this won’t cut through that brand of dysphoria entirely. But it can give you a detached approach on some parts of yourself so that you’re not always drowning in value judgements from within and without.

Nico: I think that along with body neutrality, it might help to invest some time into styling. If you can feel comfortable in your clothes when out in the world, then you can be more comfortable with how people perceive you. Have you found pants that you feel look good on you and that also you feel bring out your masc-ness? Have you figured out where you feel most comfortable on the bra-less – bra – sports bra – binder spectrum? Dressing yourself well and in ways that make you feel confident before you leave your home can help you deal with worrying about how people perceive you.

I love that you’re going to therapy. I also recommend just exposing yourself to stories and media created by and featuring queer people as much as possible. The more you see all the awesome and hot ways masc queer people can be — and exist, and have bodies, the better I think you’ll be able to place yourself within that world. Autostraddle has a huge archive of everything — books, movie, TV, whatever your jam may be. And as for people perceiving you, I think it’s helpful to keep in mind that what is happening in your head — a preoccupation with your own world — is the norm. People may perceive you, and then they will perceive the next person, and the next, and the next. If in closer relationships — dating, friendships, etc. — you feel like people aren’t treating you in affirming ways, I hope that you feel like those relationships are ones where you can have those conversations. If not, then that merits evaluating those relationships.

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