Abundance mindset? Babe that’s my ex.
Q
Is it ever okay for a friend to date your ex? I’ll be honest I thought it was pretty off limits, but my friend has started dating a girl who really broke my heart (she’s not a bad person or whatever, she just fell out of love with me, which was really hard!!) last year. It’s really painful to see her happy with someone I considered to be a close friend, but our mutual friends don’t seem to think there’s a problem, telling me that this is just how it goes in gay friend groups. Is it???
A
Summer: My short answer is yes, because consenting people are allowed to form relationships with each other. And the point of ending a relationship is often to reset connections and pursue other people.
My long answer is all of the above, but I think it’s clear that you have unresolved hurt from your relationship with that ex. I know this feeling from all kinds of angles and it sucks to see someone else experiencing what you crave. But they’re allowed to pursue happiness and you two no longer have a relationship. The healing needs to come from you, and it won’t benefit anyone to wish someone else a loss of joy because of your feelings. Your friends’ answer of this being normal in gay friend groups feels a bit like a cop-out to me because it doesn’t address the key factor: your feelings for this ex. Nobody can speak for every group of gay friends. This situation has repeated itself countless times over in all kinds of social groups. But none of that can take away your ex’s right to seek out a happy relationship. And you shouldn’t delay your healing for a craving that now seems genuinely out of reach.
Ashni: IMO friends can absolutely date other friends’ exes, especially if the breakup was a) amicable, b) if they give you a heads up first, and c) a respectable amount of time has passed since the breakup. It sounds like at least some of those things are true here — the breakup wasn’t necessarily messy, just… hard (as breakups tend to be), and that it’s been at least a few months since the breakup, possibly more. I don’t know if your friend gave you a heads up before they started dating your ex, but I think that would have been the kind thing to do, especially if you were up front about still needing to process / move on from the breakup. It’ll probably be painful for a while, but hopefully over time the hurt will lessen.
Nico: If the ex isn’t abusive, then yes, I think that it’s fine. Also, some time has passed. Personally, I wouldn’t immediately start dating a friend’s ex like the week after they split, but if it’s been some months, people deserve to date and be happy. I agree with Ashni that it would have been kind if your friend had made sure that you heard it from them and not some other way, so if that wasn’t the case, you can mention that you would have appreciated that, but otherwise, it’s time for some internal healing. It hurts when relationships fall apart and people move on, but hopefully time will help ease the sharpness of the pain.
Laneia: I know this is SUCH a terrible feeling to harbor, and I feel for you, so I’m gonna prescribe something unorthodox: if possible (as in, it will NEVER get back to either of these people or even their tertiary social circles), secure someone — the most trusted friend, a sibling, the dressing room attendant at Nordstrom Rack — who’ll hold space for your feelings about this situation. Don’t pick someone who’ll only pump you up and help you feel even worse, no — they should be the type who’ll diffuse the situation and help you see the truth, which is that you’re fine and this is fine and one day it’ll even feel like it. Give the new happy couple a fun code name (nothing too snarky, don’t cede the moral high ground here) and let your Terrible Feelings Flag fly. Not too frequently! You have a life, okay! But every now and then — when the weirdness just gets to be too much, when your heart is genuinely hurting — dispatch that text, be hurt out loud, and then let your sounding board help you feel better by hexing them with hangnails for life or threatening to sign them up for local Baptist church mailers. You can then thank this pal by listening to their petty grievances and vehemently agreeing about how right they are etc. Friends helping friends!!
How Do I Ease My Partner’s Misophonia Trigger Without Triggering My Brother
Q
My partner has misophonia (a psychological disorder that makes them very sensitive to certain sounds) and is triggered by very loud chewers. My brother, bless his heart, chews SO EFFING LOUD, and also we’re close and hang out a lot. He just moved even closer to where I live with my partner and it is becoming impossible to just avoid seeing him at mealtimes. I need to tell him that my partner can’t be around him when he’s chewing. But the problem is: 1. He already thinks my partner is controlling (they aren’t) so I feel like this will just add to that, 2. He struggled with disordered eating and I don’t want to say anything that will make him feel any kind of shame around eating. Any advice on how to approach this with him?
A
Summer: I’m sensitive to certain noises for my own reasons and I want to lose it when reading it. So there’s my bias.
If you want to have this conversation with your brother and not raise the possibility of him bringing up his opinions of your partner, you’ll need to make it between you and him. And you’ll have to take the proverbial fall by making it seem like it’s you who has an issue with his chewing. Make something up if you have to, but that’s one way of keeping your partner out of it. Assure him that it’s not about his choice of food or past eating, but a current habit that is considered a bit impolite to many people, not just you.
Then hope for the best, I guess? Otherwise, I’d just try to avoid making plans that involve food or reducing how much you see him. If your partner can’t be present with your brother when food is involved… that may be a necessity.
Valerie: See I would do the opposite of Summer. I would tell him plainly (when it’s just the two of you) that your partner has misophonia – maybe even play it up and say they were just diagnosed with it and realized that chewing is one of their triggers. Explain what it means – whether this trigger could lead to panic attacks, or overstimulation, or whatever is true – and say you’re letting everyone you guys have meals with know ahead of time so they can be aware they need to chew more quietly around them. Make it clear the problem is misophonia, not necessarily specifically him. If he brings up thinking this is controlling behavior, send him articles about misophonia to explain that this is a real thing and isn’t something they’re choosing just to be controlling. It sounds like you guys have a decent relationship so hopefully this is something he’ll want to do for you and your partner, especially as someone who has struggled with mental health himself.
Nico: If his chewing is really that loud, it’s probably a good idea for him to learn to eat more quietly in general. It’s kind of wild to think of someone going through life with a habit like that. I would bring up the misophonia, but I would also be honest about the fact that it seems to bother you, too. Definitely, do be sensitive regarding how you convey this info. And if it doesn’t go well, then you apologize and back off. It’s definitely not something you can continue to harp on, but you might need to avoid making plans around food, or make space for your partner to take a break from things should your brother need to eat. This is tough because feelings could get hurt, here, but I hope that everyone can remain calm and work things out!
Laneia: Again I’m feeling called to give slightly unhinged advice. I personally like Valerie’s approach, and then but also, what if you just lied a little? Nothing huge; a teeny fib to ease the sting of being called out as a loud eater! Tell him you actually had a friend/coworker/acquaintance at lunch a few years ago who asked you to chew a little quieter because of her misophonia. Admit you were kind of embarrassed at first but when she explained the condition to you —that it wasn’t about you being gross or weird, but instead about the sounds being triggers — you were like, “Oh, ok that makes sense,” and then simply started chewing quieter and TADA 🎉 look at you now etc.
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Bro, as a friend, I would never date your ex. That’s WILDLY against all codes I hold for myself. I personally would be VERY sad and distance myself from that friend, tbh.
This is coming from a relationship anarachist and proudly non-hierarchical polyamorist who experiences immense compersion for partners.
But I could totally sit here and theorize why its technically okay if given enough time.
my ex and my best friend’s ex (two different people, who we were still friends with at the time) (and are still friends with now!) are dating each other, and have been for several years at this point. it sucked a lot for the first year and I would not say they handled it with any particular amount of grace. but everything is ok now, so it definitely is possible :)
I had a situation like LW1, and I just want to affirm how bad it feels. In my case, I was blindsided by it pretty shortly after a really tough breakup, so I think that there was probably some stuff going on emotionally while we were still together.