Why Does It Feel So Different When It’s Chosen Family?
Q.
My wife and I have a weekend trip planned — our first since the birth of our adorable daughter! We’re friends with a couple who adore our daughter and have often watched her for short periods of time, who we call Aunt and Uncle, and who said they’d be more than happy to watch her while we’re on our trip. But my wife is very uncomfortable with the idea of not paying them to do so. They have not asked for payment at all, but I don’t know what proper etiquette is here. I’m not sure how I feel about it.
On the one hand, they both have jobs and are financially comfortable, own their own home (we do not), and we are less so, mainly due to our daughter. However, they are starting the IVF process themselves right now, which we know from experience is very expensive. If we did pay them, would it be what we’d pay a normal sitter? Because MY argument is that if we are planning to pay them as much as a regular sitter, I don’t think we can afford to take a trip at all!
I asked my wife if she would feel uncomfortable having a biological family member watch our child for free and she said no, I asked why it’s different with chosen family. She said she knows it is different, but honestly I cannot put my finger on it exactly and neither can she! Is it a quid pro quo situation? That my parents would watch my child for free, but likely also expect us to care for them in old age? Would it make a difference if they didn’t expect that of us? I feel as though that’s not a sensical angle because there’s no way any amount of caretaking I do for my parents in the future would outweigh the time they spent actually raising me! Is it because our daughter is my parents’ actual grandchild, a bond that remains for life, whereas it’s possible our child’s chosen Aunt and Uncle might not remain in their life forever, if they move or we move or something like that? Is it the exclusivity? That we can’t all extend free favors to everyone in the world, thus we tend to limit that dynamic to officially “familial” connections? That’s what family does for family? OR another thought, if they do succeed and have a child themselves, I can see us offering to babysit the other one’s kids a lot in the future, so in that case, it will all even out in the end?
Now that I’ve turned this advice question into an existential thoughtstarter —any thoughts? (And thank you, by the way, for everything you do at Autostraddle!)
A:
Summer: <3
I won’t go into the social side of why your girlfriend finds it okay to place childcare on biological relatives but not chosen relatives. That’s not my area. My area is compensation and fairness, because my brain silly.
From the top, I think it’s okay to want to reciprocate their labour with compensation. Wanting reciprocation is the sign of a mind that believes in fairness. And childcare is costly in money and effort – I’m sure you’re aware of that already. But compensation doesn’t just have to be money. It can be a favour owed, even if it’s not of the same magnitude. It can be a thoughtful gift or three from your trip. Something hand-made. And if they’re offering to look after your kid, I’d consider it polite to offer them something in return. It’s their right to turn it down.
Were I in your shoes and if my partner were fine with the care, I’d definitely express to these loved ones that you want to pay them back ‘somehow’. Even if it’s not money, you can tell them that you’d feel dreadful if you didn’t do something in return. Even just buying them dinner, bringing a small gift back, or owing a favour. Reasonable and kind people will understand your desire and let you do something small in return to ‘settle’ the debt entirely.
Valerie: I think a weekend is much different than watching her for a few hours while you go to dinner, and you do have to offer some kind of compensation, even if they refuse. I do agree with Summer that it doesn’t necessarily have to be financial. Regardless of their financial situation (which you can’t know just from knowing they have jobs and own a home), everyone’s time is valuable, and that should be acknowledged in some way. If you can offer them some money, that is an option, and I don’t think it has to be the kind of hourly rate you’d pay a stranger; it also does feel a little impersonal for friends who your kid call Auntie and Uncle. That feels more like something you would do for a less close friend, or if you had to ask them to watch your kid very last minute for some reason. Like Summer said, taking them out to dinner, letting it be clear that you know you owe them a favor, bringing them something back etc, are great options. And frankly, I think you should feel the same way about biological family. Of course, oftentimes grandparents are often clamoring for more time with their grandchild whether or not you need the childcare, so it probably feels different, but their time is valuable, too – especially an entire weekend. It really depends on the person. Even if you say, “let us take you out for dinner to repay you” and they (your friends, OR your parents) refuse and insist it was their pleasure, offering at least acknowledges that you know that they did something for you that they had no obligation to do and that you appreciate them spending their precious time to help you. Honestly, even a hand-written thank you note could go a long way to say “this is not an expectation or obligation you fulfilled” and that you don’t take their assistance for granted.
Kayla: Hey, I think it’s never a bad idea to offer money when someone does you a solid —they can always refuse! It’s a different situation obviously, but my wife and I travel a lot and often tap a mix of bio family (my wife’s son) and chosen family (our closest friends who live nearby) to check in on our cat. It’s generally understood that when it’s just a couple dropbys, we’re not paying (we often leave a little custom gift basket for them though!) but if we’re heading out of town for longer, we’ll offer money. Sometimes they take us up on it. No one is really keeping track. We’ll reciprocate with housesitting/petsitting if they ever need. I think if you don’t want to offer actual payment, a really nice gift basket can go a long way. You just leave it on the counter for them so it’s a surprise when they arrive.
Nico: Luckily, it’s just a weekend trip. I think that if you were going away for longer, it would definitely be wise to budget more for childcare ahead of time — but it’s just the weekend! It’s also your first trip since your kid came, and I am sure your friends know that and are looking forward to helping you all get away. And it also is a whole weekend! I think you should offer an amount of money that you can afford or some other form of reciprocity. Other folks have mentioned offering to buy dinner or giving them a gift basket (you didn’t specify whether they were going to be staying at yours or watching your kid at theirs). I definitely agree that you should probably always bring something back from a trip for friends or family (bio or chosen) who watch kids or pets. With all that though, I know you’re on a tight budget. Are there labor-based exchanges you can offer? You could invite them over for dinner and cook a nice meal (or two) if that’s more affordable for you, or you can find a way to help them out in some other way.
How Do Butch/Masc People Like Being Complemented?
Q:
Hi! Here’s a granular, hopefully not-stressful question for you in these genuinely awful times. I am a femme who dates butches, mascs, studs, chapstick dykes … I historically date people who don’t wear makeup or skirts, who love femmes, and who enjoy the erotics of that contrast. I have given different partners different compliments, but I’m wondering, how do butches/studs/mascs reading this like to be complimented on their looks?? “Beautiful” feels sometimes good but often fraught or too feminine maybe? Am I overthinking this, as someone who wants my lovers to feel seen in their masculinity? “Handsome” makes me feel like a mom complimenting her 8-year-old son before church. Sexy and hot are good, but what if the context is more sweet than sexual? “I really like your hair/lips/shoulders” is good too but not really what I’m asking about. Please tell me how you like femmes to compliment your appearance if this resonates!!
A:
Summer: I’m no butch and I suspect some of the other authors responding won’t be. But I am a nerd who spends too much time concocting compliments.
So they aren’t just handsome. They’re robust and solid. Maybe physically, but also emotionally and it complements you. If they have a traditionally masculine skillset with great utility, they’re handy and reliable. None of this precludes emotional expression or femininity. These are just conventionally masculine qualities that happen to be complimentary. Do you feel secure in their company? Lean into it. Tell them how sheltered they make you feel. If someone’s presence is easy-going but reliable, I enjoy their sturdiness.
I find that really good compliments can apply to someone’s personality and physical presence. The descriptors I’m giving here are like that. But there is a purely physical side. A countenance so steely could shape marble. You want those arms to snap you in half and reassemble you afterward. Legs to tame a rhino. A gaze that assures you that everything will be okay in an unforgiving world. Their touch is light as a feather, yet carries the weight of true assurance.
Try getting poetic sometime. It’s fun and can lead to some great laughs. Mascs don’t get enough compliments and it’s up to us to show them more love or make hilarious mistakes while trying.
Kylo: Hi, a masc here that predominantly dates femmes. Firstly, very sweet that you are considering this so deeply. I can only speak for myself, but honestly I love being complimented in lots of different ways! It depends on the context, but “beautiful” is certainly not off the table for me. If there’s an underlying level of gender affirmation and understanding from my partner, I can be way more open to any kind of compliment. Also, controversial — but I like “handsome”! Caveat, that I’m a trans guy, maybe my stud friends could feel differently.
Mal: As a Stud/masc-presenting person who has a hard time accepting compliments but enjoys hearing them as much as anyone else. I like compliments that feel like you paid attention (if you see something say something. ‘I love how you’re holding that. Your hands are so gorgeous to me.’’) or ones that are specific to things you find attractive, not fascinating but actually beautiful. I don’t think you can go wrong complimenting mascs from a genuine loving place. We all like different things and sometimes I didn’t know a compliment would feel so good until I heard it. So keep trying different things and thank you for considering us!! <3
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I wanna second everything Mal said about the compliments, and also, I have never ever met a butch who didn’t like being called handsome!!?? Had no idea this was in any way controversial. If someone called me robust or solid I would probably not feel very seen, nor if someone told me I make them feel so sheltered. But it truly is so personal. Just be genuinely into the masc in question and compliment very specific things that you are into and that they feel good about. I personally have always wanted to be complimented on my eyes. There’s no rule saying mascs don’t want to be told they have beautiful eyes!!!
Hi, it’s me, a butch who doesn’t like being called handsome. I actually don’t enjoy any compliments that don’t feel pretty gender neutral, but I’m also not great at taking compliments in general. I’d still say thank you and wouldn’t be offended or anything, although if I was close to the person I’d probably then explain my preferences. As you say, it is just a very personal thing. I’m totally down for calling anyone handsome who loves to hear that!
I think lovely, gorgeous, beautiful, breathtaking, stunning, are all good
the queer boys I date / am friends with usually also really like being called pretty and cute, but I realize that it’s a whole different kettle of fish being a fem or fem-adjacent guy / guy-adjacent person, and being a masc woman / woman-adjacent person
for the childcare thing, to me it is wild that this arrangement was arrived at without a specific discussion of compensation. but I get that not everyone is as fixated on explicitly discussing things as I am :p
for future, something like “we can’t afford to pay you x amount but we could pay you y amount and we would love to take you for dinner to say thank you; and if that isn’t workable for you we understand and will adjust our vacation plans accordingly” or some such could be good
or just “could you watch your niece/nephew, and of course we will take you out for dinner afterwards” and then they can say no if they don’t want to do it for no money
Asking your date how they like to be complimented is a lovely act of care.
I get that compliments are very personal. I think “You look [awesome/amazing/phenomenal/incredible]!” Can work for a wide range of aesthetics. This probably also varies by relationship, but I relatively often tell my partner “Your [shoulders/hands/arms/ass] [is/are] distracting! I kept thinking about [it/them] (and implicitly you) all day!”
For the friends babysitting, as someone with a now 8 year old I definitely think it depends on the friends. I think offering to buy them dinner is probably a good balance. We have a bunch of friends who would be weirded out if we offered money for stuff. Though I would and have offered/given money to people who took my kid to do an activity to at least pay for the activity.
Regarding compliments— I’m a femme married to a masc, she’s black but she doesn’t call herself a “stud.” Just offering context. But my wife would absolutely not like to be called, “handsome.” I think she would give me a weird look if I did that. She would like compliments about her strength, about her biceps, about her typically masc features and capabilities, but handsome? No. My point is, I think you can never assume what people would or would not like to be called. I also think at least with my wife being called “beautiful” makes her happy BECAUSE she doesn’t typically get those more “feminine” compliments. I think it’s always going to depend on the person.
I’ve done a lot of free babysitting for friends over the years and I would never want to be compensated monetarily… but I certainly wouldn’t be offended if someone offered money as long as they happily accepted my “no thanks.” Personally I wouldn’t offer something without explicit discussion of compensation unless I enthusiastically wanted to do it and truly felt like I got as much out of the situation as I gave. The special relationships I have with the kids of chosen family are one of the greatest joys in my life!! I wouldn’t be nearly as close to then if we hadn’t spend 1:1 time with me “babysitting” over the years.
To me, the most important things in an arrangement like this are 1)my ability to say no anytime for any reason, and have my friends cheerfully accept my no and 2)clear rules from my friends on anything important (ie don’t offer the kids meat or introduce them to Harry Potter) combined with as much trust/flexibility as possible for me to handle the kids according to my own house rules/values.
I’m 39, white, upper middle class and raised in the South… I assume some of these things impact my take on this. The biggest influence was probably that my mom interacted with her friends and their kids in a similar, mutually supportive but not always equal fashion.
I would be so offended if the friends whose child I am an uncle to tried to give me money for babysitting!!! In my case I babysat for friends who owned a condo and had a business, and my partner and I were looking for a condo as first time buyers. I think they offered to make us dinner but also they had a baby so the dinner may have come several years later. If you’re that close, it will even out. You won’t be able to babysit their future kid for a long time with a kiddo of your own at home and this is a (hopefully for them) short window where they can grow their bond with your child. No to money, yes to strengthening bonds. Dinner or a token of appreciation are a good way of not stepping in it by offering money. Money devalues it and separates them from their obligation to your child as important adults in the kid’s life.