I promise that I’m an intelligent educated person who understands that science is real and facts are facts. I am extremely well-read. I believe in evolution. I have a degree from a very reputable college, anassa kata. If your discovery of the fact that I’m totally obsessed with the zodiac changes your opinion of me, so be it. I will try to win you back by posting a picture of myself in boy briefs.
All that said, you’re allowed to take or leave horoscopes, tarot cards, and other “mystical” things that I find fascinating and worth exploring. I know there’s a question about it on your OkCupid profile (and don’t even pretend like you didn’t know that), so I know that at some point in your hook-up seeking lives, most queers have to confront the question of whether or not you “believe in it, don’t believe in it, or find it fun to think about”. And weirdly enough, I know that most queers seem to be super into things like the horoscope and the otherwise “esoteric.” Is it because we all went through a The Craft phase? Is it that whole thing where lesbianism equals witchcraft? Whatever it is, it’s working.
I’ve been studying the zodiac until I felt that it wasn’t highway robbery to charge people for star charts. I’m always flipping through my three decks of tarot cards. I find all the results equal parts fun and fascinating.
For those of you who want a little guidance in your queer bedrooms, you might find your horoscope can be of aid. “What’s your sign?” is a totally valid pick-up line, and don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. For this guide, I’ve chosen to deal with sun signs only, as the multitude of combinations involved with moon signs and ascendants and planets is an intense commitment, to say the least. If you’re genuinely interested in your complex compatibility with someone else, think about getting a star chart done, as it will tell you multitudes more than sun sign alone.
Oh, and I’m a Leo sun. Just in case, you know, you were wondering.
Click on your sun sign and check out who you should be hitting on and who you should be avoiding like the bubonic plague.
ARIES (March 21-April 19) As an Aries, you’re all about the chase. You want what you can’t have, so the more unattainable, the better. You want to be teased, led on, and challenged right into the bedroom. While you’re not known for settling into longterm gigs, if only because you crave the excitement of conquering something new and unconquerable, you do well in relationships where your partner is an equal who knows when to fight and when to let you play the big brave queer. You’re going to tear it up in the club and the bedroom, so those who find themselves crushing on an Aries – watch out! It’s always a wild and hot ride with this one.
U-Haul Material – Sagittarius, Aquarius, Cancer
Explosive Fingerblasting Chemistry – Leo, Gemini, Aries
Beware of Trainwreck – Scorpio, Libra, Virgo, Capricorn
Best Lesbros Forever – Taurus, Pisces
ARIES and ARIES Aries wants to play a love game? Good, so does the other Aries. Chasing, teasing, pleasing, and all sorts of intense sexual stuff is about to go down. Both love a challenge, and are more than willing to provide. They’re fiery and passionate people who are going to be dynamic in bed, even if it only lasts a night or two. This is a fantastic bet for a hook-up but maybe not so much for the longterm. Challenges could go too far and drive one of them away, or their selfish sides might take away from the relationship itself. They’re two powerhouses that love to bang down whatever obstacle is in their way, but when that obstacle is the relationship itself, it’s going to get ugly.
ARIES and TAURUS This is a major lesbromance. We’re talking “take a bullet for each other” kind of lesbromance. These two have each other’s back no matter what. They both party hard, dig the same values in their partners, and are super great wingmen. Taurus is extremely loyal, and Aries needs someone to stick around when they’re jumping headfirst into one thing after the other. Aries completely respects Taurus; mutual respect is essential to their bond. If this turns into love, it’s going to be soul-crushingly beautiful, but more often these two are the best of friends, and that’s just fine, too.
ARIES and GEMINI You can’t turn down the heat with these babes. Aries is everything Gemini finds attractive in a partner. The sex is mind-blowingly good. The chemistry flows with witty banter, and you better believe their brains have been doing the dirty before they even got undressed. This is sexy librarian shit right here. While the sexual compatibility is off the charts, longterm relationships might not be in the cards for these kids. Count on Aries to get hot and bothered when they spy Gemini, but Gemini doesn’t like the constant attention and neediness of Aries, while Aries needs to be entertained in order to maintain interest. At the end of the day, these two might actually be too good for each other. They’re smart enough to realize that it’s worth being fuckbuddies, but they’ve got very different needs in longer relationships and there’s no need to sour the sex with emotional malarkey.
ARIES and CANCER Aries and Cancer are the kind of pairing that is perfect for a night of intense loving, or for bringing home to meet the parents. The sex is equal parts emotion and animal lust. Cancer opens up the less-emotional Aries, and Aries throws all their passion into loving Cancer, which is enough to make any sensitive Cancer swoon. A long relationship will require some compromise, since Cancer’s feelings are easily hurt and Aries are not known for their subtlety. Luckily their differences are not enough that they can’t be learned and adjusted. The sex is fantastic and keeps Aries coming back for more, while the deep love and compassion makes Cancer pretty hopelessly in love with Aries. Expect commitment ceremonies and sperm donors in the near future.
ARIES and LEO Aries and Leo will definitely bang. If it hasn’t happened yet, it will happen soon. Aries loves to make the first move and Leo loves to feel attractive. Both of them know they’re good, so the bedroom becomes an epic wrestling match for two giant egos, but it’s a win-win for both parties. There will probably be a lot of fighting over who gets to top first, but it’ll be super hot. When you put two fire signs together, it usually means explosive sex olympics. While they have the potential to be a powerful duo, they’re both egotistical, stubborn, and prone to wandering eyes the moment they don’t feel their needs being met. Unless they’re both actively flattering the other, it’s going to be hard to keep the flame of longevity and commitment going. Better to just be lesbros with benefits.
ARIES and VIRGO Virgo makes Aries want to show off and charm them the old-fashioned way, and Virgo loves Aries’ courageous streak. Expect Aries to woo Virgo by sticking up for them in public, beating off the gross dude at the bar, or straight up asking Virgo to go home with them. While it’ll definitely be a fun night, this is dangerous relationship material. Aries’ ego is needy, and Virgo gives and gives and gives. Borderline abusive behavior could easily become part of this dynamic. Virgos are already prone to worrying and fussing, and trust them to pour all of their energy into loving and caring for Aries, regardless of Aries reciprocating. And Aries might not reciprocate, given the fact that Aries is going to think of Aries first and foremost. Aries also do best with partners they respect, and their differences will make it difficult for them to respect Virgo, which is a recipe for disaster. Aries will get bored and look for something else, and Virgo will likely cling until they’re shaken off, coming away bruised and sorry. Proceed with caution, clamdivers.
ARIES and LIBRA You know that couple who are such utter and complete opposites that no one can understand why they bought a cat together? Aries and Libra are that couple. Opposites in every single way, the “opposites attract” mantra will only work for the first encounter or two. Once they start fully expressing their personalities, it might be time to divide up the fiestaware and vegan cookbooks. Libra values fairness and deep consideration before decisions, Aries values being headstrong and sticking to your gut. Libra thinks Aries is a pompous ass, Aries thinks Libra is a wishy-washy weakling. It’ll take a lot of processing to make this work, and even though we queers love processing, this pair might murder each other before getting all their feelings out. If you can avoid this hookup, it will save you a lot of frustrated tears and grudge-watching The L Word.
ARIES and SCORPIO This is a bad idea for quite a few reasons. The sex will be enticing because they’re both intense personas, and everyone knows that steam is a result of water and fire. This is dangerous because the incredible sex is misleading – Scorpio is controlling; Aries refuses to be controlled. The two of them will start a battle for unhealthy domination as soon as they try to make decisions together. Unfortunately, Scorpios can be manipulative when they don’t get their way, while Aries will run and make bad decisions in retaliation, like cheating with all the girls at Queeraoke. The feelings will be intense and heavy, and they’ll probably say “I love you” on the second date, only to hate each other by the third. Hot grudge sex will be the only way they can work out their feelings or stop fighting, but they’ll swear to be each other’s one true love even while they’re pulling each other’s hair out. Their friends will do a lot of facepalming and suggest dialing things back, but like a car accident, it will be impossible not to stare at this glorious hot mess of a thing. This is that couple you see screaming at each during Pride, and then making out in the bathroom at the afterparty.
ARIES and SAGITTARIUS This is the real deal. This is love that springs from friendship and a deep mutual respect for each other. Sagittarius loves excitement and adventure, Aries loves to provide the fun. They both love their independence and freedom, and they’ll get it. They’re both blunt and don’t like to tiptoe around issues, so decision-making is a piece of cake where they constantly find common ground. They make each other happier than they’ve ever been before. Did I mention that the sex is crazy good? Because it’s crazy good. When they’re not being incredibly passionate, they’re also best friends who offer support in everything they do. These two bring out the absolute best in each other, and love is a guarantee.
ARIES and CAPRICORN Capricorn is no nonsense, and Aries just wants to have fun. The two are an odd couple, and one that probably will fall apart after lots of irritating habits and fighting about nothing. Capricorns are focused on their career, success, and all the goals they’ve made for themselves, but Aries isn’t one to cheerlead or give all their attention to someone else’s dreams. Capricorn doesn’t want to waste time with someone who isn’t going to get them where they want to go, and Aries gets bored so easily that Capricorn’s life strategies will seem predictable and dull. When it comes to actually confronting situations, Aries will yell about everything and Capricorn will be silent. Aries love the gestures and the chase, and Capricorn’s reserved until the last, so sex will be a whole lot of teasing before it gets to the pleasing. This results in pretty great sex from all that pent up frustration, but it’s not enough to keep either party invested for the longterm.
ARIES and AQUARIUS These lovebirds will try anything once, when in the bedroom. The sex is fun because Aries loves an exciting challenge and Aquarius just wants to see Aries get weird in the sack. They’re both independent, but Aries’ intensity works well with Aquarius’ free-spirited side. Trust them to do wild things together, with Aquarius bringing their quirky creativity to Aries’ daredevil recklessness. It’s rare to see any level of dependency or neediness in this relationship, but when there’s drama, hoo boy is there drama. One of those rare combinations where this could be fantastic for hooking up, or fantastic for the long run.
ARIES and PISCES You know those two queers who started out fucking but are now the best of friends? That’s Aries and Pisces. They probably hooked up a few times and it was totally fantastic, but there’s no way they could do a real relationship. The connection between them is life-changing and deep, and as friends they are bosom buddies. Pisces is the compassionate sidekick to Aries’ rough rider ways, and they balance each other perfectly when they’re out on the town trying to pick up girls. As lovers? Not really. Pisces idealizes Aries, and Aries will walk all over Pisces without realizing it. Aries won’t respect Pisces as a longterm partner, but they will respect Pisces as a friend. This is one of those things where you know you need to keep the person in your life, but not necessarily up in your privates.