Q:
This is maybe going to show my age a bit and also make me sound like a hoarder, but I used to keep a “breakup box” for all my past relationships, starting in high school with my first secret girlfriend. The boxes contain photos, letters, small commemorative items like a stuffed dog one ex won at a county fair we went to together, you get it, boxes full of the ephemera from each relationship. I do not really do anything with these boxes other than move them from closet to closet (in some cases, storage spaces) through the years, depending where I’m living. I’ve looked through the items occasionally, not really for a “walk down memory lane” but more so just to fact check some of my own memories or access a past version of myself (I’m a playwright and some of my work draws from my life, rendered through a veil of fiction, but it’s useful to have physical touchpoints of the past).
My most recent relationship ended about a year ago and lasted for three years. But there was no breakup box for me to make for this person, because much of our relationship did not have physical things attached to it. It was my first real DIGITAL relationship. We were not long distance and did not meet on the internet, but much of the relationship unfolded digitally because…I guess that’s just life now I guess? (As a side note, that makes me sad in general! And I think in the future I will make a more conscious decision to document my relationships in a more physical and analog manner. WHY DO I HAVE NO PHYSICAL PHOTOS WITH ANYONE FROM THE PAST THREE YEARS?)
Of course I have a few random things here and there I associate with her that I could box up, but it is not the same. And what I’m really struggling with is the loads of digital documentation I DO have and kind of don’t want but also don’t want to lose, forever. There are so many photos of her on my phone, photos of us together, photos of our cat who she now has sole custody of (whole long separate situation that would require a separate letter). The photos keep popping up when I’m trying to find something else or in those ridiculous auto-generated iPhone slideshows that look like fodder for someone’s funeral. Going through and deleting everything seems excessive and like an easy way to accidentally get rid of things I want to keep. But whereas I can shove the boxes into a corner and only engage with them when I feel like it or need to, these digital pieces of past relationship evidence just sort of show up on their own accord. Like a literal HAUNTING!!!
The breakup was bad but not in any novel sort of way…we just became our worst selves together. The harm wasn’t so bad that I want to delete her forever from my digital existence, but I also want more control over how and when I see her face. It probably doesn’t help that I’m technologically useless. Am I overreacting? Should I just accept this as an inevitable symptom of technology?
A:
You’re actually tapping into a pretty common breakup anxiety! Many people wonder what to do with old evidence of an ex (in files/photos or on social media), and we have gotten so many advice questions about it in one form or another that I actually once wrote a broad guide for best practices/options when it comes to archiving a relationship.
If a full deletion isn’t what you want, there are plenty of in-between options. You can go into your phone’s settings to limit how much your phone is pushing that person onto you via those funeral slideshows (lol). You can archive photos on social media rather than deleting them altogether. If you want to take things a step further and harness the same idea as your breakup boxes, you can get a hard drive and manually download all photos of your ex onto it and then delete them from your phone, relegating them to the hard drive only. You could put this in a physical box alongside the few physical trinkets from your last relationship that you do have. This method will definitely take a lot of time (and depending on how many photos you have and therefore how much storage you need, the hard drive could get pricey), but if you’re looking for something that feels the MOST like your box system (which I’m kind of obsessed with by the way), then this would be it.
I deeply relate to your desire for more physical media documenting LIFE in general. So, yes, it’s time to buy a camera. Maybe a point-and-shoot digi cam or a Polaroid if you want instant physical proof of life. I have a good friend who always makes a point to get someone to take photos of us together when we’re hanging out — not selfies and not for social media, but real photos of us for us. It’s strange how we live in this time of documenting EVERYTHING and posting our own faces for others to see but then don’t take the kinds of photos that fill the physical photo albums of the past. It’s such a different form of documentation. It makes sense to me that a bad breakup is stirring up these feelings for you about ephemera, memory, and how we preserve the past.
While it could take some time, I do think the hard drive solution might be the best for you. It might sound scary to have to comb through all those photos meticulously, but I think there’s something almost clinical about the process. Maybe just imagine you’re literally an archivist. It doesn’t have to be a stroll down memory lane if you don’t want it to be. And if all else fails, you could maybe enlist a friend to help out. Good luck and I hope you continue to heal post-breakup. If you ever do want to send a letter about the cat situation, don’t hesitate to reach out.
