Should I Tell My Heartbroken Friend Why Her Wife Left Her?

my very close friend since childhood recently got dumped by her wife of 4 years and she is flabbergasted and angry and devastated and heartbroken. her wife has told her that there was nothing wrong in their relationship, she just fell out of love with her and wanted to take a different path in life than the one they were on together.

but i know the reason! i saw it happen. my friend is extremely controlling, and her wife was living in constant anxiety of fucking up and also didn’t feel like she had room to change or grow. my friend made ALL their decisions, and had very strict rules about everything down to their diet. i can manage her controlling behavior as just her friend, but i know her wife couldn’t take it and is probably afraid to tell her the truth about why she had to leave the relationship.

what’s my job as her friend in this? do i tell her the truth or just be there for her and provide empathy? i feel like her entire world has been rocked so much and she’s so sad and vulnerable that being like ‘oh by the way this part of your personality really sucks for everyone’ is going to just destroy her.

Summer: I agree with your assessment that your friend is probably wrecked right now and shouldn’t hear about her personality defects. Maybe give it a year or more to let her feelings settle before broaching the topic? You know, let the fire burn out before you sort through the ashes.

As for whether you even should bring this up… I think it depends on whether your friend’s ex wife was close to you. It’s okay to feel obliged to talk to your friend about the real reasons you saw in the hopes it’ll better their life. Their ex wife didn’t want to bring it up even at the most pressing time—separating a marriage. They might not want it known. So if you have any closeness or obligation to that ex wife, I’d make sure you’re not violating any of her boundaries by bringing this up to your friend.

Valerie: I think the only reason you would need to tell her directly is if she asked you to, which it doesn’t sound like she has. Instead, maybe you can start to subtly recorrect her. You say you can manage her controlling nature in your friendship, so maybe part of that can start to include pointing it out when she does it. “Hey, I noticed you never let me pick where we’re going.” Or “Just so you know you generally shouldn’t be telling people what they can and can eat” when she does it to you. And if she starts dating someone new, if you notice her doing it to that person, maybe gently bring it up and let her know it’s not doing her any favors. What her wife told her probably is part of the truth. She fell out of love. Yes, likely because of this factor (I can’t get over “strict rules about everything down to their diet” because that sounds like abusive behavior to me but I don’t have the whole story so I’m trying to reserve judgment) but it doesn’t sound like you officially know for sure how much that contributed to the breakup. So for now, just be there for your friend. And maybe try to help her be a better person along the way.

Hi y’all,

My wife has a milestone birthday coming up and I really want to celebrate her in all of ways she deserves. While I have a few ideas based on activities she’s mentioned, the cost of all of it is wildly adding up in our big city-metro area. She works in a high paying field and makes about 12x more than me, as do many in her circle of closest friends, most who work in the same field. I can’t afford to front the entire bill for a big party/activity myself and she’s already said she doesn’t want to celebrate just at our home. I’ve been thinking of reaching out to some of her friends to help me share the costs- all of whom I truly love and have known for years but I’m feeling really embarrassed to ask them to help share the cost. In the past I’ve shared my earnings with some of them and they were utterly shocked to hear I make below the poverty line (thanks, career in the arts that I love). A few hundred dollars for party expenses is likely something I’ll have to pull from my savings, but it’s not going to break the bank of these friends. Is it rude to ask them to contribute? Should I scale down expectations for a birthday bash and try to do it at home anyway and risk disappointing her? Win the lottery? I already feel guilty about how little money I’ve made this year and this birthday is just compounding all of it. Would love your thoughts, I just want her to feel loved and special without making her front the bill for her own party!

Summer: My first wonderment is why your wife can’t contribute to a bigger chunk of her own birthday events? If she wants to do something expensive for her birthday, she can treat herself. I might have a different view of birthdays, but I think that the purpose of the celebration is more about the people, intentions, and energy they all bring, rather than the price tag. And when the price tag becomes an issue, Birthday Boy/Girl/They can contribute too. That’s what I did on past ‘event’ birthdays. And when my ex wanted to do something unusual like travel for her birthday, we treated the split like any other expenditure in the relationship.

I just think that your presence, aid, and positivity should be sufficient. You can only contribute what’s within your means. If that’s not within your means and you can’t get her to contribute ahead of time (surprise parties are like this), I don’t see the issue with asking around. Like you said, this financial hit will be felt much more keenly by you and you are already putting in the work of planning. I don’t know how to go about asking your friends to crowdfund the birthday, though.

Valerie: I think it’s 100% a great idea to reach out to her friends to ask them to chip in. Just explain that you want to do something extra nice for her since it’s a milestone birthday and that you had some ideas that were out of your own budget. Tell them what you had been thinking of, and approximately how much each would cost and let them know that contributing is optional but greatly appreciated. I have pitched in for plenty of birthday events and dinners for friends and never thought it was a weird ask. As long as you’re not demanding it (like charging an entrance fee for her birthday), asking for folks to pitch in is totally understandable, especially if they know you work in a lower-paying field. They’re allowed to say no if they don’t want to or can’t help!

Kayla: It is not weird at all to ask her friends to chip in for her own birthday. I was once asked by someone who I did not know and had never met before to help pitch in for a nice gift she was getting for our mutual friend and I didn’t find it weird at all and was happy to do, mainly because she made it clear it was entirely up to me/the rest of us who she asked.

I do worry a bit about potential lack of clear communication around finances and money in your relationship though. Does your wife know that spending a few hundred dollars on party supplies will make you have to pull from savings? Do you guys ever discuss the disparities in your income? These are things my wife and I talk about a lot, especially because our finances shift frequently due to us both being artists. If I were making 12x more than a partner, I would simply never ever expect them to foot even PART of the bill for my birthday. I have often had a clear vision for what I want for my birthday while knowing that in order to participate, some of my friends would need me to cover them, and that has always been fine with me! So I cannot really imagine expecting a partner to pay to make my birthday special, knowing their financial situation is far different than my own. My wife and I talk about money a lot. It isn’t always fun, but it is important. I worry about the questions beneath your questions and hope you can have these conversations with your wife.

In the meantime, yes ask her rich friends to chip in for her birthday! Rich people ask other people to chip in for things all the time!

Riese: Not weird at all, ask away! I’ve also been more than happy to contribute to a friend’s birthday situation, and absolutely especially so when the planner is unemployed or underpaid. I don’t think anyone would balk at that.

But also, like Kayla said… if she’s making 12x what you make but you have to dip into savings to cover a few hundred dollars of party expenses, you might need a more equitable split of your shared resources (rent/mortgage, food, household expenses), or there shouldn’t really be an expectation that you would cover her entire birthday experience if she has specific hopes for it that require leaving the home, which sounds like the only place you can afford to celebrate. Capitalism blows. The arts shouldn’t pay less than whatever she does that pays 12x more, you know?