Sex/Lifeis a series all about the secret sexy business of couples, throuples, exes who still fuck for some reason, LDR darlings, polyculites, and any other kind of amorous grouping your perfect heart can fathom. We send them nosey questions, they record themselves answering them, and we transcribe that conversation for all of us to enjoy. All names have been changed and any identifying details removed.

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Midwesterners Hazel (32) and Jourdan (29)  live apart and have been fucking for a little over a year. Hazel’s pansexual, practices solo polyamory and is a plant scientist who liked crafting and basketball. Jourdan is also solo poly but currently only dating Hazel. They’re a project manager who likes reading, DnD, and biking.

And this is how they fuck.

What was your sex life like when you first started dating? How is it different from now?

Jourdan: We’ve been together a year. I feel like it’s still pretty similar — it’s still frequent.

Hazel: There was the time crunch stress of the sex in the beginning, but that is no longer applicable.

Jourdan: That’s eased. It’s not like every time that we see each other, but if we have the time and space for it and no other plans that are getting in the way—

Hazel: Still the same amount of time though, really. I mean, what was it today?

Jourdan: Time spent? Good two hour minimum. 2-4 hours.

Hazel: In the beginning we just didn’t have as much time actually together, so it was crunched and stressful.

Jourdan: It was intense, but in a stressful, scarcity way, whereas now it’s intense in a “we’ve got all day” way.

If you do not live together, talk to us about why you’ve made that decision and how it has impacted your sex life.

Jourdan: We don’t live together currently because we haven’t been dating long enough for that to really be the best option.

Hazel: I bike over to your place.

Jourdan: There’s a bit more planning involved, I guess, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I like the intentionality of it. If you live together, it’s a given, and there’s a risk of bed death or the assumption of fucking because you’re around each other more often. This is more intentional — planning it, but not in a scheduled, clinical way.

Do we have a top-bottom dynamic? Talk about that.

Jourdan: Yes. Yes, we do. Yeah.

Hazel: It’s new to us. We both come from top areas.

Jourdan: Top dominant.

Hazel: Both of us were tops before this relationship. Let’s say that.

Jourdan: Both toppy-leaning switches and very comfortable in those roles —but also —well, it wasn’t like i was tired of it. But it’s nice to be with someone who’s also a switch, leaning dominant, so I can explore being submissive.

Hazel: Right, because it doesn’t feel natural to be submissive for someone who you don’t necessarily trust to be a top.

Jourdan: It’s not a role that comes naturally to me, so there’s a lot of trust and vulnerability built into it, but also I need to really believe it. Right? If you’re going to top me, top me. I don’t wanna have to convince myself, I need to be convinced. So being with someone who tops me is refreshing, fun and hot. Currently I’m in the top role more often, which has been fun.

It’s brought up a lot of good conversations around the balance of that dynamic —aftercare, drop, emotional needs over the week following and vulnerabilities that I never anticipated coming up from these things. We come out with a lot of closeness, from how we lean on each other afterwards.

Hazel: Just exploring in general, getting to know myself through the dynamic —it’s great.

Do you feel like your sex drives are well matched?

Hazel: Yes.

Jourdan: Yes! And when they fluctuate, which naturally they do, there’s conversation around it and adjustment. If you’re really feeling it and I’m not, there’s ways to accommodate for that. I can be a more passive participant in some ways. If I don’t want to be touched, but you do, there are multiple ways to make that happen that’s comfortable.

Hazel: Absolutely.

Jourdan: Or if one of us are on our periods, there’s toys, other options. We’ve never ran into a long stretch of one being more into it than the other.

Hazel: I think also living separate, back to that question—

Jourdan: I was thinking that too.

Hazel: I’ll just choose to stay home !

Jourdan: Right, I just won’t see you. There’s usually a heads up ahead of time. If we have plans and if we’ve kind of been talking a certain way throughout the day or the week, and then it’s day of and one of us isn’t feeling it, we say so before we get together.

Are there specific things you like to do during sex? Things you don’t like to do?

Jourdan: Oh, there’s such a range of things that we like to do.

Hazel: Things we don’t like to do?

Jourdan: That’s a shorter list! I don’t like penetration. It’s painful for me and it’s something that I’ve been more recently wanting to explore, but it’s a very slow, very” vulnerable in a scary way” process, but no rushing there. I don’t like anything that’s too hard. My body’s very sensitive, so I don’t receive rough play, but I like to give it.

Hazel: It’s really hard to think of things that I don’t like at all.

Jourdan: We’ve been not like.. tiptoeing into a DS top-bottom, kinkier, rougher dynamic? We haven’t come up against anything that we don’t enjoy because we have the conversations before. If one of us is interested, the other’s usually down to try it.

As for what I like: a nice combination of sensual and inanimate, but also like —rough and more in the aggressive side of things. Just finding that deep connection of being with someone I love deeply and also causing a bit of pain and suffering and etc.

[laughing]

Hazel: Good kisses. Real good.

Jourdan: I like exploring other types of touch. It’s not just fucking, and it’s not just touching areas that are generally erotic. It’s like —how does fingernails down your shoulder feel? Kisses along your stomach or your hips or the back of your thighs? How does that feel?

Jourdan: That’s usually what I focus on. Like — anyone can fuck, right? Typically.

[laughter]

Hazel: I suppose?

Jourdan: Like anyone can do sex at its base — penetrative or touching or mouths or whatever. But it’s the extra stuff that’s more of my focus, I think? That adds to the very basic act.

Hazel: The soft touches, the in-between.

Jourdan: The in-between!

Hazel: It’s good. It’s important stuff. What do I like? I’ve been enjoying rougher play. That’s been really interesting. Spanked for the first time recently. That was good.

Jourdan: That was goooood.

[more laughter]

Hazel: Very sensual touches are great. Sensual turned into firm. I’ve been really liking the talk that you’ve been doing—

Jourdan: Oooo, okay! Good feedback.

Hazel: You’re good at talking.

Jourdan: Good with my words. Good with my hands.

Hazel: Yes.

Jourdan: That’s what I’m learning!

[laughing]

Hazel: Yeah. Yeah, you’re learning.

Jourdan: I had no idea before this!

What are some things you’d like to try or try again?

Hazel: What didn’t we get to on our spirit week?

Jourdan: E-stim! We did not do e-stim, electrical simulation.

Hazel: Just sitting there.

Jourdan: It’s just sitting there collecting dust! It’s been a couple months.

Hazel: We need to use that.

Jourdan: It’s just such a messy process. All the lube!

Hazel: That’s true.

Jourdan: The towels! You need to plan for it. Definitely interested in exploring some light impact, more spanking, combining that with sensual touches and teasing in between, the play of hard and soft, building tension. More bondage.

Hazel: A third.

Jourdan: A third!

Hazel: A fourth?

Jourdan: Or more, yeah. We’re trying! Passively trying, not putting a whole lot of effort into it.

Hazel: Humiliation is an interesting one we’ve touched on.

Jourdan: Touched on —a whisper.

Hazel: Like, that’s interesting?

Jourdan: We’ve had conversations around humiliation.

Hazel: In different ways.

Jourdan: And how to not go into degradation, which is more intense to me. Talked about water sports —still figuring out how serious that one is! That’s degradation play though, so that’s quite a ways! I think just continuing to explore different kinks, different BDSM power play dynamics. More toys. Different toys or straps. Different straps. Different vibrators. Adding to our split custody collection.

How important are orgasms to your sex life?

Jourdan: It’s like a bonus?

Hazel: It’s important to me. We always aim for it, and it’s pretty infrequent that we have sex and one or both of us don’t orgasm.

Jourdan: It’s not critical or doesn’t count if no one comes, but more —the sex is already so good and the orgasms are so good that for me —I just want the orgasm too.

[laughs]

Hazel: Yeah, greedy!

Jourdan: Depending on what the reason is; if I just can’t do it, I’m frustrated with myself and my own body, and dissipating the built-up tension is hard to ease out of, being irritable or extra sensitive. If it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen. I know the trade-off of calling it early is that it’s fine, doable, but a different night. Using different toys have helped if hands and oral aren’t doing it.

Hazel: You’ve got your toy that will pretty much always—

Jourdan: That toy can make anyone cum.

Hazel: Clit or not.

Jourdan: It doesn’t matter.

Hazel: So we can turn to that just to go to sleep.

Jourdan: What about for you? What are your thoughts on this?

Hazel: I cum so easily that if I’m not coming, something’s wrong.

Jourdan: I could look at you and it’s done.

Hazel: I love when you ask me if I can cum again.

Jourdan: I usually tell you you’re going to.

Hazel: Yes.

Jourdan: No, I ask! I ask. Even if I’m telling you, it’s still an ask. I think if it’s not working, we’re good at adjusting.

Hazel: We try our best not to take it personally.

Jourdan: With queer people —we just have toys. If you have two people with vaginas, there’s more than likely toys, but there’s heteronormative shame around “my partner can’t make me finish,” and it’s feels not good to ask to use a toy, like it’s saying “i’m not capable of doing this.” Which technically, yeah, that’s exactly what it is — but there’s this guilt or negativity around it. We’re trying to remove that stigma, but it’s tricky. That’s what I’m working to get over.

Hazel: I mean you look fantastic cumming.

Jourdan: I want to cum and go to sleep.

Hazel: Yeah. So I mean, my hands, I’m free to look around.

Jourdan: I can touch other things.

Hazel: There’s more new ways to enjoy that moment.

Jourdan: It’s led us to explore other ways that we can use toys— us both touching ourselves. It opens up the door for other play.

What role does masturbation play in your sex life individually?

Hazel: You were just talking about this, how you opened your voice memos and there’s all these ones we sent each other. But we don’t do that as much anymore, masturbating and sending each other—

Jourdan: Evidence of.

Hazel: Yeah.

Jourdan: I think I’m still touching myself the same amount. I’m just not sending you anything. It’s like 10 minutes midday between this thing and another thing, or 11:30 and I’m desperate for sleep. And i tell you about it.

Hazel: Yeah. There’s telling me though.

Jourdan: There is, yeah.

Hazel: It plays that role.

Jourdan: It’s a fun flirty thing. We play with the power dynamic of you telling me if I’m allowed to touch myself or not. But if I feel like it, I will. Sometimes I like to make myself wait until I get to be with you instead.

Hazel: I think I don’t necessarily tell you. I should do it sometimes.

Jourdan: You’ve told me after the fact.

Hazel: Yeah, but like —weeks later.

Jourdan: It’s like a delightful surprise. You’re like, “oh, yeah, I touched myself twice two nights ago,” and I’m like, “you what? Why didn’t you call me?”

Hazel: I like to do it in weird places, and I just forget.

Jourdan: No, no. I love it. I love it. It’s so fun to hear about it later.

Hazel: I think we started taking more videos and different things like that, and that’s been great for masturbating.

Jourdan: More videos, more photos separately and together. The voice memos were older — you’d be on the way to work, in the car. Now we’re more comfortable to send photos or videos, or make them together.

Wait, tell us about your favorite most memorable time you’ve had sex together.

Jourdan: Oh fuck, there’s so many! I have a lot of memories of my old apartment with the sun coming through those orange curtains. This was early days, summer, hot—

Hazel: Very hot. Sweaty, yes.

Jourdan: Sweaty, but honestly just feeling evenly matched in the bedroom for the first time and just being able to explore in a way that didn’t feel performative. It didn’t feel like I had to make up for somebody else’s kind of—

Hazel: Encourage them.

Jourdan: No shade to pillow princesses— it’s just not the dynamic that I prefer, so I wasn’t trying to make up for someone else’s kind of lack of involvement, but just to feel synced up and explore with a new person, but also feeling like it finally fit.

Hazel: I don’t know that I could point to a particular one, but there’s a feeling. We’ve had it I’m sure multiple times where it’s just dizzying and the room is foggy. Right?

Jourdan: Yes, yes.

Hazel: It’s fantastic— just in the ether floating.

Jourdan: Similar to the summer memories it feels like this hazy, golden-hour twilight, an in-between liminal space. Everything’s soft around the edges. Nothing matters besides just what we’re doing and being together. Also, Traverse City.

Hazel: Oh, Traverse City!

Jourdan: Fantastic sex. That was fantastic. It was good conversations—

Hazel: Out of town sex.

Jourdan: Lots of foreplay-type conversations, talking about different kinks and fantasies, having good sex in someone else’s Air BnB bed.

Hazel: I feel like we should mention what spirit week is.

Jourdan: Spirit week came about because we had a lot of things that we wanted to try that would require some planning ahead. We needed a block of time and certain toys and one space or another. One of us — probably me —said “we’ll just have one theme per day, like a spirit week.” Then we did exactly that. We blocked out a week on our calendars, timed it after both our periods were done, and had a different theme every day.

Hazel: Different little kinks.

Jourdan: It was hectic in the best way. Some of them we skipped, ‘cause we were like “I actually don’t have the energy for this today.” Monday was Managed Monday? which is like a very aggressive, managed—

Hazel: Managed Monday. That’s right.

Jourdan: Tuesday was?

Hazel: Tied Tuesday?

Jourdan: Then we shifted it. Tender Tuesday? We only had an hour, hour and a half together, and Monday was so intense that I just needed calm touches and softness. Wicked Wednesday? I think we skipped that one though. I don’t think we fucked that day. So sometimes we skipped them or paused until later. It was just a silly stupid week that made it exciting —nice having something to look forward to, the intentionality around it and exploring things we wanted to do but didn’t have the time or energy or the right toys.

Hazel: The intention really built the excitement.

Jourdan: It’s so fun. Highly recommend it. We need to do an annual spirit week or something.

Hazel: New kinks each time.

Jourdan: Honestly!