Some Answers to Some Things You’ve Been Asking Us #8

Questions from the A+ Inbox were taking up such an enormous portion of the A+ Insider that we’ve decided to dedicate an entire post to answering them every month instead! We think this will be a lot of fun for everybody in the whole family. We have included as many as we can. We love you, your hair looks fantastic today!

as editors drawing_edit 2

A-CAMP, MERCH, BUSINESS AND TECHNICAL CONCERNS

Hey the upcoming meet-up are all past! Is something wrong with the widget? Helpful screenshot
Yvonne: Cee fixed this problem! The meet-ups sidebar now shows events happening in the next 30 days.

Any chance the “Auto/Straddle This” t-shirts will be available again? Some day? Maybe? Possibly? Please?
Riese: Believe it or not, I actually suggested to Alex that we bring ’em back and sell ’em at A-Camp and she was like, um, did anybody ASK...

Related:

The Editors

The has written 146 articles for us.

72 Comments

  1. Well some of these comments made me a happy/sad crying mess because I went on a first date with a girl I REALLY, really like (like, REALLY). And today I asked her out again and she said she was “busy this week, would next week work” and I couldn’t help but think “but if she was as excited as I am about a second date she surely would find time two even squeeze me in wouldn’t she” and now I have 100% insecurity and feel like I will die alone.

    So I’ll be boozing up tonight and watch Magic Mike XXL, thanks for the advice guys.

    • Chloe! To your theory I pose an alternate theory, which is that if she wasn’t excited, she wouldn’t have mentioned next week as a possibility! And if she really likes you, she wouldn’t want to squeeze you in to a busy week and just have a half-assed date where she didn’t have time to go home and shower first! So don’t sob, eat some sourdough and plan that date for next week!

      • I agree! NO reason to assume it’s a bad sign. I am a hangry mess when I have a busy week and sometimes when I am tired I even feel guilty about being such terrible company for my dog. MY DOG! The last thing I would want to do is try to squeeze in a date with someone I really hope will like me.

    • Don’t give up yet, one time I met a girl during a stint of her job that sent her to mexico for half of every week. Some girls really are busy. There’s still hope!

    • Aaand now she cancelled on me and I’m at work crying because this was the one thing I was looking forward to this week.
      God I hate PMSing but I’m so sick of being alone.

      • Awww. I’m sorry to hear that. Here, have a Mary Oliver poem, and a hug if you’d like:

        The Journey

        One day you finally knew
        what you had to do, and began,
        though the voices around you
        kept shouting
        their bad advice–
        though the whole house
        began to tremble
        and you felt the old tug
        at your ankles.
        “Mend my life!”
        each voice cried.
        But you didn’t stop.
        You knew what you had to do,
        though the wind pried
        with its stiff fingers
        at the very foundations,
        though their melancholy
        was terrible.
        It was already late
        enough, and a wild night,
        and the road full of fallen
        branches and stones.
        But little by little,
        as you left their voices behind,
        the stars began to burn
        through the sheets of clouds,
        and there was a new voice
        which you slowly
        recognized as your own,
        that kept you company
        as you strode deeper and deeper
        into the world,
        determined to do
        the only thing you could do–
        determined to save
        the only life you could save.

  3. To the person to whom you recommended therapy if she has insurance and/or money: just wanted to point out that in some cities you can get low/no cost talk therapy through your LGBT center! Like our city is teeny tiny and we have that (which is an amazing resource). It was invaluable to me when I was first coming out, not because I didn’t have insurance, but because I was scared of talking to a non-queer therapist.

    Anywho thanks for another lovely Questions column! I am Nyquil Bath girl. Nyquil baths truly are lovely.

  5. Thing I would read over and over: a piece about how Heather and her gf made it through / keep working through alla that childhood programming and toxic experiences/relationships and insecurities and fear to get to the beautiful, soul-sustaining safe harbor they built. That shit is hard! And I feel like we don’t talk about how hard it can be sometimes, even in the best most loving most soul-sustaining relationships, especially when those relationships involve two (or more) people that bring a whole lot of stuff along with them. Like, I know it’s super different for every relationship because everyone’s got their own unique stuff to work through, but I think it would still be really beautiful and life-/love-affirming to read other people’s journeys, you know?

    (Would also be excited to read this kind of thing from anyone else that has worked through some Big Stuff within otherwise loving and wonderful relationships, of course!)

    Future (A+ only?) first person/deep feelings post maybe?

    • I’ll tell you the greatest tip our therapist told us. When a person gets triggered by childhood trauma, they are no longer reacting as an adult, because they feel as powerless, helpless, and terrified as if they were actually a child again. And so if you and your partner are both triggered by a situation, because it feeds into both of your childhood issues, in that moment you’re both your kid selves which means you’re both desperate for safety and compassion. On the rare occasions where our toxic pasts come up at the same time now, I see her my girlfriend as the scared little girl she used to be and I just want to protect her, and I know she sees me as the same. And with that in mind, we can stop the cycle immediately and before either of us is hurt, by reaching out to keep the other one safe.

      • holy everloving shit, i have been in therapy half my adult life and no one has ever told me something that useful

        thank you for sharing that

      • Damn. That’s amazing information. It makes so much sense. Thanks for this Heather

    • Agreed! Heather can write anything about anything, and we’d all read it (because, Heather), and that would be a particularly awesome topic to read about.

      I don’t think I’m often able to capture the right tone in the comments here, but – hell, while I’m here, I wanted to offer this up. It’s a poem I wrote for my wife about working through our shit.

      How to Tell Time on a Sunday

      First begin by noticing there are no
      clean cuts, no sharply defined strokes
      that denote, this thing is over, now
      on to something new.

      Ten years later, you find a box with
      written-down feelings that are mostly no longer felt,
      but even now you have some reason to keep one or two.

      Begin to notice how you have spent
      the whole day leaning on one another’s
      knowledge of your collective moods,
      alternately mitigating frustrations and problem-solving
      and, simply, laughing.

      This is all the work
      of countless hours,
      times you were practicing but didn’t know it –
      then, they were arguments.
      Now they are days on a calendar
      with no months or weeks or years,
      just time.

    • Yes, agreed. The comment Heather wrote was so stunningly beautiful and real and human. So many feelings.

  6. This comment feels like it should go here in the general ‘sharing random AS community-related happenstance’: I watched Love Actually for the first time this weekend and it was an experience enlivened by the pop anthropology of previously knowing that Riese HATES THIS MOVIE and Mey Likes this movie? And trying to guess what happened in the movie to set up those reactions.

    Other random AS factoid: I found out recently that Samira Wiley hates avocados and my first thought was ‘Someone should tell Brittani Nichols’! Heh. Anyway, thanks for sharing your lives with us and creating this community. You’re all terrific!

  7. OMG thank you to the person who recommended Love is Strange! I can totally understand why they aren’t making money out of this, but if there are any queermo game devs out there thinking of making an original game for queers by queers, my money will be yours!

  8. To the exhausted 30 year old lady fed up with being single – I FEEL YOU and relate to lots of what you said, I want to know you!

  9. I love how much the Harry Potter series meant to Heather, and that story should be turned into a movie or book of its own. <3

  10. Re: being nervous about getting the tone of an email wrong, I spent actual years of my professional life angsting over this before I arrived at a solution that usually works for me. Obviously it depends on the situation, but if it’s a case where being too formal is preferable to being too casual, I tend to use formal language in the body of the email and then soften it with a less formal greeting (like “Hi”) and/or sign-off (like “Thanks so much”). I’ve found that using exclamation points in moderation is another good way to make your email sound friendlier while still maintaining a polite and professional tone.

    • using exclamation points in “moderation”: the autostraddle editors’ story

      • Can there be an article about how to actually use exclamation points in moderation? I have no idea how to stop using them without sounding really passive aggressive!

  11. Also, bless you all for getting these together even though A-Camp prep must be at a fever pitch! Magicians, all of you.

  12. Carolyn, thank you so much for answering my question about the new long-distance poly sitch! Such solid advice.

  13. OMG I’m so happy for the comment about my Spell to Heal a Broken Heart playlist! It was very cathartic to make and listen to over and over again for two weeks straight. I’m glad it helped other people too!

    • IT WAS SO WONDERFUL!!! I loved it and still listen to it! I honestly believe it was the main thing that helped me get over that awful friend! Thank you <3

  14. also, heather, i’m very happy you linked to that SuperCat fic bc it’s THE GREATEST

    • It’s truly one of the sexiest fics I have ever read, and I know something about some sexy fan fiction!

      • For a moment I was like “wait Heather is positively enjoying sexist fic?”

        But then I was like “oooh typo!”

      • Someone submitted to my tumblr that you recced my fic and I just wanted to come say thank you! I did have a moment’s pause when I saw sexist too, but typos come to us all. Probably in the fic, too ;) ~fictorium x

    • I may have created an ao3 account specifically to be informed when this fic is updated.

  15. I really think it’s awesome that you all take the time to respond individually to all of these messages, despite how much time and attention and underpaid work you already put into this website. There’s a good reason AS feels more like a community than just a blog. (Well, there are lots of good reasons for that, but this is one of them.) ♥

  16. Ali, I had to guess, based on the fabric of the devil bag, and the approx cost of the dice bag/how accurate the pic was. And it is sooo sad that all the bags with blood splatter on them were velvet, but I found one with the right texture, which was still carried that hippy vibe without having actual flowers on it! http://www.amazon.com/Ents-Dice-Green-Board-Game/dp/B008X9ONYO/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1462838719&sr=8-1&keywords=ent+dice+bag

    (I did look up Diva specific bags, but not until after I had this lil guy in the mail)

  17. I forgot about my good productive day!! Laneia imagined me – ME (I am a train wreck of a Ron Weasley) – as a Hermione Granger!! I LOVE EVERYONE HERE

    Also Heather, we all deserve a Heather. I hope everyone in this world at some point meets a person who gives written pep talks / comforting words the way Heather does.

    To Sum Up My Feelings: ilu all; xtra special shout out to Reise for Having A Dream and making it a Reality

  18. To the person who wanted advise on approaching someone on the dance floor: That’s how I met my girlfriend! She was this super hot butchy dream woman I had been seeing in a lot of parties, and this one time I just went to say hi. She was like, “do we know each other” (in a friendly but confused way), and I was like, “no but I’ve been seeing you at [name-dropping an UG queer club] and I’ve been wanting to talk to you, do you want to have a drink with me and my friends”, and she did. It’s been years, she’s still dreamy, and we will probably be together forever!

  19. To the person who is going to the Julia Nunes concert in Portland, WHO ARE YOU? I am going to that and I’m going all by myself so find me! You’ll know at least one person sorta?

  20. Aww reading all these makes my heart feel warm and fuzzy. Also you guys answered two of my questions so thank you so much <3 Thanks Laneia, Yvonne and Heather for the great advice! And I'm glad I made you giggle Heather :)
    Also Laneia, Away we go is such a cute movie. I should really watch it again and I feel like it's not talked about enough.

  21. “Riese: THANK YOU! I’m so sorry about evolution.”
    LOL
    Yeah, I’m sorry about evolution too – I mean what were the alternatives, that’s what I’d like to know. Was perfect synchronicity with radiant delight not working out in the models? How can something which vomits up the likes of Donald Trump really be the best option we had. What were the other choices??

  22. I just want to pull out and highlight this tiny bit of Laneia advice, ” it’s better to make the mistake of doing something versus the mistake of not doing something,” and keep it with me forever. Especially when it comes to relationships and jobs and other big leaps.

    Have these become progressively longer every month? Do you all every feel overwhelmed by how much we ask/share?

  23. Ok I have a serious music-related question/concern: are all the cool kids on Spotify now??? Is this like how I still use a flip phone from 2010? Am I completely behind the times? I listen to Autostraddle’s 8tracks playlists ON A REGULAR BASIS and I don’t know what my life would be like without them. I’ve noticed that recent playlists are apparently only on Spotify and I’ve been meaning to ask! Is 8tracks dead? My main concern here is that the Autostraddle 8tracks page is suddenly going to disappear and then I will be without all my favorite playlists and I don’t know if I could even make it through the work week like that.

      • Yay thank goodness thank you for the reassurance!!!! I’ve only been at work for 30 minutes so far and my coworker has already told me in great detail about how he spent 4 hours repairing his car yesterday even though all I said to him was “Good morning” so it’s definitely time to put my earbuds in and listen to some 8tracks playlists

  24. I love this and I love you and thanks for answering my questions but can we please hire Dorothy Snarker? For reals?

  25. I didn’t post in the question box about it but I also miss Fan Fic Friday and would love to see it back.

    In the meantime me and friend (who also misses Fan Fic Friday) created a ‘ficspotting’ list where we are hunting for fics based on some random criteria (e.g crack ship-great fic,19 chapters long, crossover pairing) and sending them to each other.

  26. I really love how you all engage with us in this super legit and endearing way.

    The Internet is just the best.

    Remember when the Internet wasn’t even a thing yet and you could only really socialize with whichever assholes existed in close physical proximity to you?

    Dark fucking times.

Comments are closed.