Real L Word Episode 202 Recap: The Morning After We Got Drunkity Drunk Drunk

It’s time for #whitegirlproblems aka Pillow Talk With Alyssa, when Alyssa talks to/about Whitney with/without Whitney on the patio sofa situation.

for a hairstylist, you sure are getting crazy with that hair in your eyes

But who is making time for Alyssa? What about Alyssa’s hopes/dreams? What about her sexual adventures? What does she like to masturbate to on camera?

mikey doesn’t know

Time out: When Laguna Beach first came out I watched like two episodes of it but was annoyed by the obvious scene set-ups — where the camera turns on and then one person is like, “I need to talk to you [about x] [but you can’t tell y].” I assumed that show would get canceled but instead it became a smash hit and I was like, I can’t believe Daria got canceled and that shit just kept reproducing.

They left the “set-up” in this scene too. Cameras on, girls in their places on the couch, AND GO.

what if we took a holiday? took some time to celebrate?

To sum up this big vat ‘o nonsense: Sara wanted a job at Rachel’s hair salon and planned to get back together with Hanna and Rachel’s not supposed to tell Whitney. Also, Rachel and Sara both have arm-sleeve tattoos. Maybe there’s a tattoo artist in Whitney’s vaginal canal!?!!

All these girls look the same, just pick one!

So Alyssa & Rachel team up to tell Whitney about Sara’s lying eyes.

Whitney grabs her hat a lot, wondering why it didn’t protect her from voodoo dust like it said it would on the box. It’s a “red screaming flag” that Whitney must abide or be an idiot.

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Sajdah reflects on her evening with the Marching Band of Love: “I think the parade showed a lot about my character, to [Chanel].” But did it show a lot about Sajdah’s character to US?

maybe later we can take our hats off and really get into it

Chanel: “It was inspiring, it was special, it was a bunch of black people in a positive setting.”

Sajdah: “By the end of the parade she’s really feeling me.”

sajdah goes for the makeout

gimme gimme gimme gimme more

Awwwwwwww. How cute.

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Cori and Kacy are sitting at a table, talking about sperm. Behind them are racks of wine that could be disassembled and turned into dildos.  In front of them are two gay sperm-hoarding buddies.

Once again, set-up is included — Kacy begins, “I actually had a question that I want to ask you both–” and bada-bing-bada-boom — both men deny the cute couple access to their sperm.

“Their attachment to their sperm shocks me,” say Kacori. They’d give any of these motherfuckers an egg. Two eggs! If a dozen guys wanted their eggs, they’d get ’em. EVERY SINGLE TIME Kacy or Cori lay an egg, ever, for the rest of their lives, they will scramble/benedict that shit and deliver it to any gay guys on craigslist looking for an afternoon gig. And these men just clutching their testicles to their chests like a bunch of hoarders. Buried Alive.

i dunno he looks kinda stupid to me

Cori: “They’re entitled to their feelings. We are not entitled to their sperm.”

She’s tired of talking about sperm. Us too! Let’s stop. Here’s my questions: what do you guys do for a living? How did you meet? What’s your family like? What are you really passionate about? What’s your favorite color? So many questions!

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Back on Skid Row, Romi’s come home from a long, hunger-filled day at work to find her house tomboyfriend eagerly anticipating her arrival.

aw, chili and kraft dinner you shouldn’t have

Kelsey: “Hi, you look cute!”
Romi: “I’m gonna change.”
Kelsey: “I forgot what you looked like when you left! Come here –“

Haha!

[Sidenote: In the kitchen you can tell that it’s January because there’s an Autostraddle Calendar on the wall and it looks like Miss January!]

12 months ’til december

Romi’s been working at Marc Jacobs but is tiring of living paycheck-to-paycheck and not doing makeup, which she went to school for and had been doing for 10 years. She’s actually been putting more and more makeup on her face every day for the last ten years. That’s dedication. She should be working on The Lion King.

i don’t know why my intern took this screencap but apparently she enjoyed it

Romi doesn’t wanna be the “sole income of us.” But then who would put beans, cheese and more cheese into a pan and melt it so you could eat it after you come home from a long day, Miss Marc Jacobs?

Kelsey cleans, cooks, and does beer runs. These are important things in a woman.

Visual aids:

Like So:

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Back to Francine and Claire. So far, Claire’s experience starting a lesbian magazine is nothing like my own. She should be sitting at her laptop, crying, but instead she’s GOING OUT with her NOT-GIRLFRIEND Francine. What is this Pee-Wee’s Playhouse.

put it on, you’ll look like a globe

Francine and Claire are very pretty girls! la la la recap la la.

lemme get up in your dewy decimal system

Francine & Claire are going to Haute, a girl’s party. It’s actually a PYT Party held at Haute, I’m obsessed with the selective engagement of brand exposure on this program.

like the kind you get diseases from!

Francine observes that everyone in the lesbian community is connected, like two degrees of separation. Interesting theory. Someone should make a chart or a video game or something about that.

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Here we are at the girl party! Look! Everybody is alive with sparkles and light! Is that Debbie Harry? No, no, it’s a fairy. It’s Chuck and Larry. Let’s get married! No you can’t, it’s illegal.

Here we are at the pickle farm. Look who’s here! It’s Robin Roemer, photographer for Autostraddle.com and the Autostraddle Calendar Girls. There’s also about half a second where you can see Sara Medd, stylist of Autostraddle.com, sitting next to Kelsey.

robin roemer, photographer to the stars

Romi is flirting with Rachel, Whitney is yelling at Sara but Sara’s not saying anything. She’s sort of the Helen Keller of The Real L Word. Claire & Francine are getting along like two girls in a Cabana of Love.

Claire meets Whitney:

you know,”friends”

Basically what we have here is a MENSA meeting. Just really intellectual, complicated people hashing out the issues of the day.

i don’t remember stealing your headband but i suppose anything’s possible

First, let’s pop in on Whitney and her Lover Sahashama:

Whitney: “Text messages with Hanna?”
Sara: [incomprehensible, also lacks subtitles, perhaps they don’t want us to know, perhaps she’s revealing the secret recipe of Col. Sanders’ secret sauce?!]
Whitney: Oh don’t worry, I saw it first fucking hand. I’m saying Sara, like WHY, dude? Like you don’t understand like literally I felt like [makes gesture like she’s opening her shirt] like — [does the gesture again] like —
Sara: “I understand–”
Whitney: “No, you don’t understand.”
Sara: “I already told you what my side of it was — how could you see a text message I sent to her?”
Whitney: “Don’t worry about it, like I saw it, trust me.”
Sara: [pouty face] “Like — what are you mad about, I already told you –”
Whitney: “What am I mad about, Sara? Really? Really, Sara, what am I mad about?”
Sara: “Yeah.”
Whitney: “Really? What am I mad about? I don’t know, you think I don’t see things but I–”
Sara: “I mean I haven’t talked to Hanna in a really long time.”
Whitney: “Really? when’s the last time you talked to Hanna.”
Sara: “Today.”

Oh-kay.

what do you just want to make out with everyone who’s made out with whitney because if so i’ll go make out with whitney right this minute

Meanwhile, at Odyssey of the Mind, Romi has just kissed Rachel!:

Kelsey: “This is not what I want. You’ve ruined it so many times right now.”
Romi: “Me?”
Kelsey: “You just–you just Kiss her like — how easy you did that. So easily, you just kiss her!”
Romi: “Youregonanleaveme”
Kelsey: “I’m not gonna leave you but you just so easily kiss her do you want a threesome?”
Romi: “No.”
Kelsey: “Then why’d you why’d you do that?”

bad bad bad bad bois, they make me feel so good

Back to Drama Club, where Whitney’s basically just repeating “Really Sara?” over & over. It’s like a lullaby for the spawn of Satan.

Whitney: “You lied, you are such a fucking liar.”

what are we supposed to be fighting about again

Claire for the win:

Claire: “I’m kinda new to the whole game out here and I really wanna steer clear of any drama, and that’s just all I’m seeing from all these girls. I wasn’t raised to start screaming at people in nightclubs. Like, control yourself!”

LOOK I TOLD YOU I’M UPSET ABOUT THE THING IN THE PLACE

Kelsey gets advice from a friend who tells her not to get mad — “You know Romi,” she says. “She’s a maniac, a maniac on the floor, and she’s kissing like she’s never kissed before.”

+

But, my friends, not much earlier THAT VERY SAME NIGHT (!!!?!!!!) :

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Interesting.

not actually whitney

Mysterious, eh?

Romi, because she’s an explorer like Christopher Columbus, ventures out into the middle of the street for no apparent reason while Kelsey says ‘Romi, Romi..” Kelsey retrieves her and together, they amble home, drunk but almost adorable in their drunkedness.

pissed as in “mad” or pissed as in “drunk, in the UK”

Kelsey: “Baby, bullshit aside? Bullshit aside? Call a cab.”

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Back at Francine’s Home for Wayward Exes, later that night/month, Claire’s video-chatting Vivian, being “lovey-dovey” (-Francine). Lovey-dovey is like an epidemic in this town.

Vivian says she may have a job in CA when she comes to visit — TELL ME ABOUT HER JOB PLEASE no? Okay? More feelings. Okay fine. I’ve got all day. I’m taking notes and turning them into greeting cards. Then I’ll have my own reality show, it’ll be called “Cake Boss” but be about teacups instead of cake. The title is just to keep people interested. Everyone loves cake.

she’s bicoastal, that claire

This is like Sister Wives, which I’ve never seen. Someone needs to tell Claire about how technology has enabled us to speak privately with headphones on so that nobody’s feelings get hurt.

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Riese

Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3182 articles for us.

209 Comments

  1. i still can’t believe you have to watch the whole thing every week! i watched half of it, on mute, and g-d what a trainwreck..

    love the recaps though!

  2. Maybe it was just me, but I totally saw the hipster from the Kreayshawn video during the dog-walking scene where the four of them were all wearing the same t-shrits for some unexplained reason. When I say “totally” I mean, I think I saw her, but was probably thrown off by the single feather earring. What’re the chances of two people wearing one feather earring?

    Actually, seeing as earrings are sold in pairs, i’m guessing it’s pretty high.

      • I’m glad somebody finally explained that because I was really wondering why the hell there were several people wearing matching shirts on top of my number one feeling of why am I watching this show?

    • My guess is the oher photshoot mentioned in the recap was for Tragik’s clothes…which the “Kreayshawn Hipster”, whitney, and sara were all a part of…hence the similar shirts.

    • FYallsI, the Kreayshawn Hipster aka “Rat Tail”‘s name is Lil Debbie. How dare she appropriate my childhood treat of choice!

      http://fuckyeahlildebbie.tumblr.com/

      Also, I very much enjoy the phrase “selective engagement of brand exposure.” Rolls trippingly off the tongue.

      ALSO: It was Turkey. Romi was eating Turkey, not Tuna. Very significant detail.

  3. i’ve never seen this show as i don’t watch tv, let alone reality tv.. i’m a snob.
    i feel really sorry for you, having to actually watch this shit.. especially now with all the IFC douchery going on. i totally get that you have to do this for traffic/money/other good reasons. anyway, i just wanted to let you know that your recaps are very entertaining and witty, they make me laugh. i just hope you stay sane in the process!

      • you could just have your intern provide the screencaps (i especially appreciated the kelsey-romi in the bedroom one) and write whatever. i would still buy it/not care either way, and laugh. just saying. ;)

      • Why do you keep re-capping a show that you obviously hate? Hey, here’s a suggestion why don’t you try out for the next season or better yet start your own fucking reality show? These women are not you…nor do they represent YOU. Relax on the hating…not a good look!

  4. LA- land of tattoo sleeves, too many mis-matching accessories, smokers, and screaming in public apparently.

    I fast forwarded through this shit and watched the parts with Franny. Does not hold my interest like your recaps do. :)

    • Only that the screencaps were so big that I couldn’t look away fast enough. The horror. I’m just glad i’m not actually watching the show to see all these NOT SEXY lesbian moments in motion. I can barely handle the stills.

      • Yeah, especially since I’m reading this at work. I’ve got that Alt+Tab down to a science.

    • I’m at a loss for words. That is quite possibly the most violating scene besides the unnecessary introduction to Romi’s hairless porn appropriate prepubescent vagina. I’m so scarred that I don’t if I feel discouraged from becoming a screenwriter or if it’s become a necessity. What is this to say now? Hey heteros! We lesbians are good with our hands! And we fap fap fap tumblr-style to blow jobs and doggy style sex! And you will LIKE it because it means that we have something in common with your husbands. ICK! It was pleasant to see Robin and other AS clues…I Spy is a fun game to play!

      Gosh. I live 30 minutes east of LA and I’ve managed to spare myself from wearing that annoying ass feather shit, those arm sleeve tattoos, print shirts, leggings and thrift store boots combos, and unsightly hats. This cannot BE L.A. I refuse.

      ARGH.
      FUCKING ARGH.

    • Um, did you see the scene in next weeks?

      I just honestly feel bad for these girls. Some of them are so obviously self-destructive. I’m pretty sure they are NOT getting paid well enough to do these things on camera. Bums me out.

      • Right? IT IS PORN. Yup I said it. It is straight up exploitation, and it is self destructive and there will be feelings of shame and regret.

        I personally, at this stage in my thinking, have no problem with some porn, but feel that it is likely the minority of women who are in the industry who are actually balanced and in control so that makes me have feelings of sad.

        So, I just hope these girls are awake to the reality that they are making porn and that the porn is geared towards men, and that they are being used and exploited.

    • it terrified me! couldn’t watch the whole scene

      gotta give the woman credit for focus though, i mean, with the camera guy around and all

      • well romy wasn’t and look, now she is!

        doing crazy stuff related to sex on camera makes IFC likes you

      • That’s even worse. I bet the cast members are getting paid crumbs as it is. Kim Kardashian probably makes like 200 grand an episode on her show and she doesn’t even allow this shit to go down in her bedroom. If you aren’t going to have any dignity at least make sure you are getting paid well to embarrass the hell out of yourself(and friends and family by association).

        • i think they get somewhere between $5,000->$10,000a season, but don’t quote me on that. It People like Rachel don’t get paid at all but also aren’t contractually obligated to Showtime for the next four years like the rest of them. Or at least that’s how it worked last year, it could be different now.

          The money is mostly to be made afterwards, doing club appearances and stuff

          • [quote]People like Rachel don’t get paid at all but also aren’t contractually obligated to Showtime for the next four years like the rest of them.[/quote]

            WHAT? Oh, hell to the no! I would not be pleasuring myself on tv for free. That’s crazy. Not even on the off-chance that I would get paid later for club appearances. And then what? You are now the bitch at the club that people whisper about how you masturbated to some straight porn for all the world to see and didn’t even get paid for it. Lord help this girl.

          • I’m sorry, it’s 3:30 AM here and I stayed awake to read this recap, so maybe my mind’s going, but I could have sworn I read that they’re contractually bound to Showtime for four years? Holy Hannah Montana, that’s the second worst thing I’ve ever heard next to “Who killed Jenny?”

            Also, the masturbation scene quite literally made me mega-uncomfortable but it was such a train-wreck I couldn’t look away. Do they know that the world will watch this? For example, Francine…her parents don’t know she’s gay and she doesn’t know how to tell them?

            Ehm…television/the internet will take care of that for her now, I guess.

            Additionally…

          • maybe it’s 2 years? i could be wrong! don’t quote me like i said! But it is a certain amount of time that seemed ridiculous, someone we knew was offered a part last year and so we saw their contract and said do not do this, these terms are unacceptable and so she didn’t

          • That is insane. Two years of my life tied to IFC and Showtime? I’d rather play in the rain with dementors.

    • With that masturbation scene, more than ever, I was like, what the F is this show? I mean, really? Totally gratuitous, it in no way pushed forward any of the sort-of-stories the show is pretending to have. I felt like all it did was say, “sex!! lesbians can find straight things hot, don’t worry!!”

      BIG TIME STUPID.

    • also, her really classy “they look like whores!”comment prior to the masturbating felt like a punch in the stomache.

      (on the same WHATTHEFUCK note, romi’s rape joke? no. nonononono.)

  5. I don’t own a tv, which constantly confuses my friends when I can recap everything that happened on Glee the night before. I need to find some friend who watch this show so I can pull out the same magic trick.

  6. In the kitchen you can tell that it’s January because there’s an Autostraddle Calendar on the wall and it looks like Miss January!

    It’s like this show is a gay Where’s Waldo. You have to find the hidden autostraddle member / reference.

    • it would have been fun if IFC didn’t screw them over in the first place

    • i know when i first found out that the gang that moved out to LA from NYC would probably be milling about in the background during the show I was like “don’t tell anybody, let’s just pretend like they’re not there if they show up, it will hurt our street/hater cred to appear to be complicit” (this is a totally diff issue than the photoshoot thing) but now that the show is actually on, looking for Sara Medd is just about the most exciting part of every scene so I’m totally in Where’s Waldo mode.

  7. wow… how fucking adorable is superdrunk kelsey, trying to get her wasted girlfriend home!
    and how shitty of romi to constantly nag about her with her mum with kelsey sitting there (+ a camera crew..)
    the francine/claire situation is confusing, but they’re both hot, so at least those scenes are fun to watch. opposed to rachel+straight porn+magic wand…really, rachel, really? wtf?

  8. “I DON’T KNOW WHY MY INTERN TOOK THIS SCREENCAP BUT APPARENTLY SHE ENJOYED IT”

    I was going to defend myself, but I changed my mind.

  9. I don’t watch TRLW but I started reading the recaps. I don’t get it. What do all these women do for jobs? Are they actual friends or just random queer women brought together to drink and make mistakes? When do we find out who A is? Is Ilene Chaiken A?

    • i think the sperm donor is A

      i would LOVE to know more about their jobs! Last year J+N said they filmed hours upon hours of both of them at their jobs, like so much footage, with special clearances etc., and then all they put on the show was wedding planning conversations. I thought they’d learn from that but it looks like the same thing they’re doing this year. I’m DYING to know what Kacy and Cori do for fun or how they met or what their jobs are, and i don’t care at all, not even a little bit, about the sperm.

  10. What they should do is have a party – a screening of The Real L Word – invite all their straight male friends to come, line the floors with saran wrap, and let the jerkoff juice fall where it may. Then just mop that shit up, drop it into a sippy cup and turkey-baster-blast that baby right into rock ‘n roll heaven.

    doesn’t this take place in episode 5

  11. I honestly tried watching this episode. I ended up hitting myself in the eye with a hammer repeatedly instead.

  12. I feel so bad for you that you have to endure this piece of total and utter crap every frickin week, I guess it’s an occupational hazard… I feel ashamed for every single person involved in this production (except Ilene fucking Chaiken of course), however I thoroughly enjoy reading these recaps, it’s like reading a gossip magazine…my guilty pleasure. Well done Riese, well done. And that masturbation scene, even the screencaps were burning my eyes, I think actually watching moving images might have been a slow torture you don’t wish upon your worst enemy. I can’t believe people are actually willing to participate in this project, but hey everything for your 15 minutes of “fame”

  13. I’m disappointed in this season already. :/ At least there’s lezbeproud from TX, haha.

    • I did because I was babysitting for a family with really good cable. (The kids were asleep, I promise.)

    • not me.

      christ, in the recap I was trying to track some kind of something/somebody? and I thought, I can’t even.. IFC!

      aaand then I saw the the ‘LOOK I TOLD YOU I’M UPSET ABOUT THE THING IN THE PLACE’ and I laughed my ass off and knew I was gonna be ok.

    • nope read the recap and watched portlandia (god, i feel like i just cheated on autostaddle, but carrie brownstein’s in it)

        • i do have fancy showtime and fancy ifc and fancy sundance , but I will help you out and tell you where to watch it on the web.

    • NOT I

      You couldn’t pay me to watch that shit. (Well, okay, maybe you could, but the pay would have to be REALLY FREAKING GOOD.)

  14. I’m not watching TRLW2 because the first ep was mind-numbing crap but these recaps are neat. I don’t care much for the sperm and drama but I like the Daria and Rent references!

    I hope you don’t watch the show alone. At the very least, a drinking game to make it fun? Too easy..

    • i’m always super drunk and stoned when i watch it and i make my girlfriend watch it with me though she sometimes falls asleep.

      last year we’d watch it on the tv and i’d be g-chatting with laneia/jess/carly as they also watched it on the tv so it was like we were watching it together. this year i’m not buying anyone showtime subscriptions in order for us to do that because i am not giving any more money to showtime right now.

      also last year laneia and i were both in nyc for the first few episodes so we watched them as a team and with alex.

  15. SEASON ONE WAS SO MUCH BETTER AND SOME OF THE CAST WERE ACTUALLY HOT. THERE I SAID IT, YOU’RE THINKING IT TOO.

  16. I just read the recap. Did not watch. Cannot afford showtime. I work in public interest. Did not see the first season or read the recaps but i recently got sucked in to the recaps because of the showtime drama.

    But…wtf IS this show? They show the girls having sex and masturbating? In real life? What? Just what??????

  17. I will not ever watch the Real L Word because:

    1. It’s crap.
    2. The tagline for the show (at least, where I live, Argentina) is “The show for women that every man will want to watch.” WTF.

    (The recaps are hilarious, though.)

        • They’re just more honest in Argentina.

          That’s what’s really going on here ladies. The show was NEVER for us. It’s all been a bunch of pandering propaganda & bullshit. This season is very clearly porn and we’re not the target audience. With all the poor lesbians, you really think they’re making a show for the smallest segment of their paying subscribers? That is after all how they make their money.

          The biggest disappointment is in the cast itself and their refusal to say “no, I won’t do that on camera. You can stand outside the door like last season.” Especially for the ones who aren’t getting paid. There are on/off switches on the battery packs they’re all wearing for their mics. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out. This is the height of exploitation and a sad demonstration of how poor so many women’s boundaries are.

          Makes me sick.

          • I think I love you, you put into words what I was saying in my head but couldn’t figure out how to say with my words.

    • hey rok do you have a copy of that ad, a photo/scan of it or anything? if so can you email it to me? riese [at] autostraddle [dot] com.

  18. The captions to these screenshots are gold. Fav:

    “AW, CHILI AND KRAFT DINNER YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE”

    Also, I dl’ed the mase song.

  19. You are way too friggin’ nice. I would have compared drunk Romi and Kelsey to Peter Griffin when he gets wasted… for starters. I’m glad I don’t recap this because my brain would literally explode from all the possible mocking. This season is even worse than the first one. I never thought two gay women could be as annoying as Nikki and Jill, but along came Kacy and Cori. Oh god, it’s SO HORRIBLE!

    • I want to give Kacy and Cori a break, because I’m more than certain that they are not as annoying and one-dimensional as the show makes them seem. They probably didn’t expect to be portrayed as the sperm squad, but baby Chaiken gets what baby Chaiken wants.

      Watch this show stoned. It dulls the pain.

  20. This makes me want to slit my wrists.

    And with the first episode i was like, better production, new people, i like francine and claire, kelsey’s really cute, we’re in new york then la then new york then la, this is good!

    Now i want to cry and tell you that you never ever need to watch another second of this riese

    And the lack of talking about anyone’s job besides claire’s non-job makes me miss la fashion week. At least they did shit right?

    • Totally with you on the missing LA Fashion Week(end) from Season One. I loved Mikey’s parts mainly because she wasn’t bitchin’ about some girl, she was actually doing something that wasn’t a couple of half-a-second frames of pretending to do someone’s hair.

  21. the fruit of the month comment was genius. best. idea. ever.
    who wouldnt want ripe peaches at their doorstep?

    oh, and your claire / magazine / sarah warn jokes are pretty spot on – im assuming it’s the editing, but the fact that Claire laments the lack of lez-friendly websites is just painful. does SHO really think its audience is that stupid? there’s got to be a technical term for this type of thing. or can i just make one up?? like… reality denial disorder?

    • i think claire is confusing starting up a lez-friendly website with starting up a fuckyeahfrancine tumblr.

      • Either that or Claire’s really a middle-aged married straight white guy – I’ve heard those guys really know how to make things happen in lesbian media.

  22. Whitney: “Really? What am I mad about? I don’t know, you think I don’t see things but I–”
    Sara: “I mean I haven’t talked to Hanna in a really long time.”
    Whitney: “Really? when’s the last time you talked to Hanna.”
    Sara: “Today.”

    Priceless.

  23. In Claire’s defense, (not just because I am madly in love with her and am severely depressed that I will never have a chance with her because I’m not AZN) she wants to create a lesbian website that’s FASHION BASED (to my understanding). To me, Autostraddle is more of the ‘Weekend Update’ of lesbian websites, keeping us up-to-date on an assortment of our girly informational needs. I think my wife, ahem, I mean CLAIRE is aiming for a lesbian website that is SPECIFICALLY for Fashion…which is not what I think of when I think of Autostraddle. (and I think Autostraddle is #1)

    I just felt the need to say that, as I’ve been sensing some tension on these recaps/articles ever since Claire stated that she wanted to create a website for lesbian life [b/c there wasn’t one].

    all love, no hate xoxo

    • right but we’re just here to talk about what we see on the show and the characters they’re trying to create onscreen. To be honest Claire approached us about doing something with AS and we’ve talked to her about potential ways to work together in the future and she had great ideas which we were really excited about moving forward on — but that’s not on the show (though i think the conference call was filmed, but i doubt it’ll show up). She’s a cool girl. Nor is the fashion element mentioned on the show — that’s just what you know from doing additional research. If i recapped based on what I know about these people in general, rather than what i see on my TV, it’d be a very different recap.

  24. Okay, first of all, Kelsey looks like Emily Blunt. Secondly, was I the only one who saw Kreayshawn in the dog park with Sara and Whitney? If it wasn’t her, it was her twin because I was like what the fuck?!

    • “Okay, first of all, Kelsey looks like Emily Blunt.”

      HOLY SHIT SO TRUE. you win the doppelganger recognition award from me today.

    • Oh god that’s why she looks so hot to me, she’s the tomboifriend version of Emily Blunt. I don’t even watch the show, just read the recaps…I even find it endearing that her face is the same in every screencap.

      EMILY BLUNT TOMBOIFRIEND

      where do I get one?

    • i think Kelsey looks like Alison Mosshart… and she out of all of them seems real.. Seriously I’m happy no one has video taped me drunk on any occassion… it would be way worse than this show. Also if I was followed with a camera 24/7 and had all this crap on the go… yes I would drink more than usual. and i feel bad for all of them, signing whatever contract was signed in this terrible show…. yet i cant help but watch it and rot my brain away.. omg.

  25. I watch this show:
    1. As prep for the hilarious re-cap’s
    2. Just because it is something actively going on in popular culture, that has to do with lesbians.

    But now, it’s just crossed over into beyond offensive and disrespectful. It’s just gutter trash tv. And I hate it for the “Actual people” that may have been duped into participating, and having the “tv” spin of their lives portrayed as the real thing.

    So straight people, or maybe even “just out” or “questioning” girls can assume:

    1. All lesbians are freaky voyeuristic people that will hook up with anyone and everyone and also have sex on camera.
    2. Every lesbian wants to masturbate for your pleasure.
    3. If you are a lesbian, you smoke or at least get drunk all the time.
    4. Lesbians don’t believe in love, or romance. Only wedding planning, PDA, fighting/f***ing (same thing?), voyeurism for straight people, and giant orgy parties.

    I understand they are just trying to make “good tv” but this show is so boring and just awkward. I hit pause quite often and have to walk away and come back because of an intensely awkward moment. Those of you only reading the re-caps just trust me, it’s super awkward, like when you accidentally hug someone that was just trying to shake your hand awkward.

    I’m going to keep watching, if only to further build a case against showtime citing defamation of lesbian—everything. Just everything.

  26. “(sidenote: most gay girls I know masturbate to straight porn, obvi, we like what we like, not an issue. But in this context — a lesbian show already being accused of going soft-core porn this season to appeal to male viewers — this is all sort of suspicious.)”

    Whaaat? WTF? Why? I feel like this needs its own thread. SERIOUSLY? WHY?! I don’t want to see a penis anywhere when I’m enjoying some alone time. Lesbian or solo girls is where it’s at. I won’t deny I have seen gay porn and found it oddly kind of a turn on, but I would get down to it. Maybe I’M the weirdo?!

    Anyway, a masturbation scene in a reality show (aka television based off manufactured drama when two or more people happen to be in the same room together) is highly suspect. It’s mostly OK when it’s scripted TV, but seeing real people getting down and dirty and seeing their “stories” and their “lives” is totally weird. This show is a little porn, a little reality TV, and the worst parts of both! Chaste porn, and annoying fake drama. At least with real porn you don’t have to think at all about the fact that they are real people!

    • I was totally confused by that “lesbians masturbate to straight porn” comment too. I mean, granted I’m the Only Queer In The Village only managing to make it to civilization for a year or two at a time, so I don’t know a whole lot of lesbos IRL, but I can’t imagine why they would want to see anything with a penis involved. I’m technically bi and even back when I was willing to date men, I never wanted to watch straight porn! Maybe Riese meant women-masturbating-porn-that-is-assuming-a-straight-male-audience kind of porn?

      • Different people like different shit. Also I’m pretty sure Riese doesn’t know Every Lesbian Ever, nor did I think she was claiming to…

        • mhm what dina said. ‘most of the lesbians i know’ refers to like 5 people. not everyone shares their porn preferences with me.

          • Ah, I see. I was just curious, since that genre appealing to lesbians had never occurred to me. But like Dina said, different people like different shit, plus I’m so deprived of RL lezzie friends.

    • “Anyway, a masturbation scene in a reality show (aka television based off manufactured drama when two or more people happen to be in the same room together) is highly suspect. It’s mostly OK when it’s scripted TV, but seeing real people getting down and dirty and seeing their “stories” and their “lives” is totally weird.”

      Yesss!!! I’ve seen masturbation scenes when it’s via art on film or masquerading as art, whatevs. But that was weird. But real people? And it’s not HBO’s Real Sex? Too much.

  27. I’m so glad I didn’t actually watch this, it’s so horrible, but the recaps are brilliant.

  28. Oh, big-ups on the Leisure Suit Larry reference. Is it bad that I saw the picture and INSTANTLY knew what it was from without reading any of the text? Maybe I should’ve known I was a lesbian when I was 12… but I did love those style of games, Kings Quest, Leisure Suit Larry… good times.

  29. I don’t want to like the beautiful Claire because she is stringing two super hot gaysians along but damn her voice is like sex…probably from smoking, which I also dislike. damn it, conflicting feelings.

  30. Riese, so sorry for what happened to AS. It’s total bullshit but also completely typical in HWood. Contracts aren’t worth the paper they’re written on. They aren’t really agreements so much as guidelines for lawsuits. I get screwed daily, for realz.

    Anywho, love the recap as always. Hugs to you & the team. Just wanted you to know I never came here for recaps in the first place and if they ended, it wouldn’t change my relationship with AS one bit. Please do what is best for you and what you can tolerate soul-wise. I don’t watch the show. I’ve seen exactly one episode and that was after reading a recap. I don’t subscribe to Showtime and have no plans to in the future especially while this drivel is ruining the perceptions & reputations of lesbians world-wide.

    Love.

  31. I won’t subscribe to Showtime, nor never ever watch this program. However, I will definitely visit the Autostraddle website and read every recap. Your writing and humor are awesome! Thank you for making Mondays something to look forward to. :)

  32. I read the recap and watch the episode on megavideo simultaneously. Usually, i end up turning the sound off and reading the recap cringing, trying not to look at my other open window.

    Then, I listen to the weekly This American Life podcast and Ira Glass reminds me that some people aren’t on the Real L Word, and emotions are real, and things are ok.

  33. i mean i agree that these things dont happen in real life well atleast not MY life but in all this is the ONLY form of lesbian tv we have so i think we should at least aprpeciate it for that. without it we have nothing.

      • Ashley, it’s exactly this attitude of complacency that gets us this shit. Imagine somewhere in the world, even the US, this is the ONLY exposure a straight person has to what is being sold to them as lesbian culture/life. Are you really ok with that? I’m not. And I’m tired of accepting garbage, manipulation & exploitation ’cause that’s all we can get. This show is porn for straight men. It’s not for you and you’ve already stated it bears no resemblance to your life so you have no reason to support it. Don’t fool yourself. This is not ok. Have you seen any reality show anywhere in which there are male leads & the show requires full frontal nudity & on camera sex? I don’t know of one. Yet an all female cast show about lesbians interestingly does require both of those things. Are you getting the picture? And we’re being exploited by a LESBIAN in addition to a major corporation. And you know at least some of the camera men are in fact MEN, right?
        Don’t support this shit. Demand something better or at least demand the truth – that they’re using us to sell sex to straight guys and like idiots we’re giving them awards for the equal opportunity that isn’t equal at all!

        If this were any other minority group and a similarly structured/produced/manipulated show was the only thing on television about said minority group, the outcry would be deafening.

  34. so claire’s storyline seems absolutely and positively absurd. anyone else?
    the following is how i imagine a convo went down.

    IFC: we’re moving to NYC
    Claire: nah, then i don’t want to do it. i have a great job and a great g/f
    IFC: your contract line 11003 states obligation to follow the location. and 11004 states your soul is mine too.
    claire: well what’s my motivation for going there?
    IFC: you are starting a lesbian website
    claire: isn’t there already…
    IFC: Hush. i killed jenny. …and sarah warn and riese are dead to me.
    IFC (kneading palms): let’s also have you stay/flirt with your ex whilst still in a relationship across the country
    claire: that doesn’t even sound believable
    IFC (dissipates into thin air)

  35. Lol I guess your right. Either great or nothing at all. But its sad that that’s the ONLY way they can portray lesbians. Sex addicts. Lol I mean I love sex but lordy! & being african american it kinda sucks to see sadjah not be apart of the group. Like when they were all at the club where was sadjah? Does the black girl have to be the outcast?! Bleeeh great! :/

  36. I think that my feelings about this episode were best expressed by the girls that are standing next to Whitney and Sada during the “blue period” of their argument. If you watch them they flip off the camera…twice.

    I would stop watching the show but taking a drink every time someone smokes and for every ridiculous hat is way too much fun. I would add a shot for every sex scene but I don’t have the money to pay for a trip to the hospital due to alcohol poisoning…

  37. I like cake! You’re the Cake Boss, riese. This is such a fun and hilarious recap; it makes me sorta glad I didn’t see the episode.

  38. Reese!! OMG, Girl, let’s overact about the Photo shoot a little more. Kidding, what a bitch, and although you are way over harsh about the recaps. I could never lie to you and say that I don’t laugh out loud constantly while reading them.. YEAHHHHHHH REESE. make shirts team reese vs team Ilene, pass them out in Wast Hollywood. I’m team Reese. Good luck girl!

  39. Oh, these re-caps make all the cringiness (almost) all better. (THANK YOU, RIESE!) A few more hours sitting with my clothes on in the shower and I’ll be good as new. Honestly, I’m so torn this season, because if these recaps didn’t exist I would certainly, without question, stop watching this heartless, soulless, mindless, utterly horrifying, staggeringly bad show. But really, without seeing it all first hand, I could not begin to fathom the evil IFC has unleashed upon the world. And that would be no fun.

    (As a side note, I have a question: What does the F stand for in IFC? I haven’t been on Autostraddle long enough to have stumbled across an explanation of this acronym, and for a little while I thought it might stand for Independent Film Channel, but obviously, that made no sense. Now I like to think it stands for Ilene Fucking Chaiken. Am I right? Do I win a prize?)

    Okay, so it’s late and I might have been imagining this, but ONE MORE THING: I think I saw TOR(!!!!) in line to get into Haute at the beginning of that whole club scene. Could it be?! I miss Tor. I was actually starting to like (in this case to be defined as “could stomach her better than most of the rest of the cast”) Replacement-Tor (Rachel)…until her porn debut. What the eff. (As a side note, I agree with magiclovemuffin: no penis during sexy time! But also, you know, no judgement if you like that kind of thing.)

    I also liked Sara last season, though I can’t really remember why anymore. Now that she has been taken over by a robot prostitute, however, she scares me. She has been equipped with the attention-seeking version of heat-seeking missiles. Or something.

    Oops, that was a couple more things. Time for bed. Where there are no cameras, nor spike heels, nor producers ordering masturbation, nor evil of any kind.

    Keep up the good work, all.

    • It’s okay. I had to check how to spell her name twice before I hit submit and I’m not even dyslexic. So I guess that makes me just an idiot. Ha! :)

  40. claire you are so hot why are you such a playa. also francine is pretty hot. and KELSEY GOD STOP DRINKING GET RID OF ROMI OMGGGGGGGGgggg. i want to steal kesleys wardrobe so bad. atleast i know it can be bought on a budget.

    i also -actually- watch this show because i know right after i watch it i after-party with these recaps and the laughing balances out the utter disdain i have watching awkward unnecessary reality-porn.

    • also i dont get to see promos, so people saying next episode is even more exploitastic is really freaking me out. not in that way.

      • The next episode looks like the developmentally disabled lesbian lovechild of The Jersey Shore + Girls Gone Wild (not that I’ve ever seen the latter, but you get the gist). Seriously. It’s shocking.

    • I was thinking the same thing, who’s kid is this and did the parents know the show was reality-porn?

  41. the best part of the whole fucking episode was when francine was like, “i’m not out to my parents, idk how to tell them… maybe i’ll write it in a fortune cookie..”

    FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON I BURST INTO SUSTAINED LAUGHTER

    • What cracks me up about that comment is that she has to know by doing this show that she has to come out to them now because surely her parents will find out it exists whether she tells them directly or someone else does. I hope they don’t all get together to watch it as a family, what with the multiple sex scenes and general asshatery that takes place each episode.

  42. “Basically what we have here is a MENSA meeting. Just really intellectual, complicated people hashing out the issues of the day.”

    Hee! Actually, MENSA meetings are more about people sitting around playing board games and confusing their own personal tastes and preferences for objective fact. Or maybe that’s just the meetings I went to.

    My main feeling about this episode (which I can only judge from these recaps, but still) is that Romi’s behind-the-ear heart tattoo is super cute. This surprises me, since I usually don’t much care for hearts. In fact, I’m liking most of the tattoos on this show. There are some highly decorated ladies on there.

    ALSO! I’m really sad that Sajdah seems to regret her participation in the show so much. She seems like a really cool woman and it sucks that this didn’t turn out how she wanted.

  43. Love your recaps.

    The only reason why I watch the show is because of Francine. She is beyond hot and from Hawaii. *raises the roof* I’m secretly hoping that she will end up with Vivian (or some other hot asian girl), leaving Claire all by her lonesome self.

  44. “sidenote: most gay girls I know masturbate to straight porn, obvi, we like what we like, not an issue.”

    NEWSFLASH, they aren’t lesbians. Keep perpetuating the idea that most lesbians secretly desire dick though, it’s obviously really helping our community… NOT. I really wish I were a gay man sometimes, they don’t have to deal with shit like this.

    Of course now I’m expecting ten overly PC “lesbians” to comment on my comment preaching about how sexuality is ~fluid~ and you’re still a lesbian if you get off on watching straight and gay male porn.

    Sigh.

    • Oooh, can I be overly PC “lesbian” n°1?

      NEWSFLASH, preference in porn and fantasies =/= your actual real-life sex life. ie I love hardcore BDSM porn but in reality pain during sexy times is an instant turn-off for me, even gently biting will make me go from horny to pissed off. Being turned-on by seeing something doesn’t mean you’d be turned-on by performing it (I know, it may be hard to process for someone who thinks sex is unidimensional and want people to fit little rigid boxes, take your time).

      I’m a lesbian and I watch straight porn, because it’s the only kind of porn featuring femme women enjoying (or at least knowing) what they are doing and being sometimes in a position of power. “Girl-on-girl” porn for men is so ridiculous it’s not even sex, and real queer porn rarely features femmes (and when it does they always bottom and it’s always with butches/androgirls/FtM, and there’s a lot of fisting which I really don’t like).
      In order to appreciate it I need to focus on the girl and forget the guy or turn him into a mere prop in my mind though, which is easy because straight porn facilitates it (after all it’s made for straight guys, and they probs don’t like focusing on the man too).
      Now I have to say though, if a porn company would ever do REAL lesbian fistingless femme-on-femme porn I’d happily never watch straight porn ever again, but sadly I don’t think it’ll ever happen.

      Yes this whole post is TMI, but I least I had the guts to post it under my real username.

      • No one is saying that the lesbian porn out there is great, it’s not, but this doesn’t deflect from the fact that you and others who claim to be lesbians also admit to being turned on by porn featuring men. Sexual orientation is based on who or what arouses you, if a closeted gay man gets off to gay male porn every night and then goes and has sex with his wife, by your definition he is straight as that is his “actual real life sex-life”, do you not see what ridiculous nonsense that is?

        Also, BDSM is an invalid example, just because you are turned off by being the sub in real life, it does not mean you would not be turned on by seeing other people incorporate it into sex if you were watching in real life or if you were the domme. And being turned on by a few gagging devices is hardly comparable to being turned on by men, big difference there, whether you’re turned on by BDSM does not have any relevance to your sexual orientation.

        • I see that you didn’t understand anything to my post, since it was pretty clear to begin with I doubt you will understand much more with a more thorough explanation so I will give up here.
          Thank you for telling me who I am and what I get to call myself though, if I didn’t have random strangers on the internet to do it how would I manage? Obviously I can’t do such a thing myself. The world needs more people like you, you’re such a rare breed.

          • Pretending the person you’re replying to doesn’t understand your post because you know what they’re saying is true and you have no argument, very original.

            You can identify as a giraffe, hun, but saying it over and over again and telling everyone you’re a giraffe doesn’t make it any more true, in fact it just makes you look stupid. Keep calling yourself a lesbian though, you clearly don’t care about the damage you’re doing to real lesbians everywhere. I wish bisexuals like yourself were a rarer breed and didn’t insist on calling yourselves anything but bisexual, why does the b word scare you so much? Not edgy enough anymore?

        • “In order to appreciate it I need to focus on the girl and forget the guy or turn him into a mere prop in my mind though, which is easy because straight porn facilitates it (after all it’s made for straight guys, and they probs don’t like focusing on the man too).”

          I thought this was a pretty obvious explanation of how she can still watch straight-porn while not sexually desiring men. I think it’s you, Anon, who is afraid of any lesbian who doesn’t fit your standard because god forbid you have to share the name in an inclusive community.

          • It’s not about my “standard”, being a lesbian means being exclusively sexually attracted to women or has this definition suddenly changed overnight without me knowing? It hasn’t changed but people like you are pushing for it to change so that women who only desire women won’t have a label anymore. You should be ashamed of yourself.

          • “being a lesbian means being exclusively sexually attracted to women”

            As someone who is a solid 5.99 on the Kinsey scale (that .01 is because I was raised to never say never), I’ve got to point out: sexual arousal and sexual attraction aren’t synonymous. Getting hot thinking about / listening to / reading about / watching something doesn’t mean you want those things in real life. All it means is that it was stimulating enough for your mind to trigger a physical sexytimes response.

            I am concerned about lesbian erasure as a real issue in some contexts. But this? I can’t even.

          • Oh, okay. Right, I get it. YOU get to decide what constitutes a lesbian or not, because everyone here is very rigid and inflexible in their sexuality. Cool, I understand. I’m not good enough to consider myself a member of your exclusive “lesbian” club. Thanks for judging every single poster in here for not following your standards.

            And yes, it’s all about YOUR standard, because if you bothered to be a regular reader here, you would understand that many of us, and many lesbians, don’t believe that the term should restrict those to women who have only ever loved women forever and ever, amen. Open your mind and accept that our culture is changing to include more people, or at the very least, to understand that the world is not divided into pockets of 100% heterosexuals and 100% homosexuals. Pity us who do not have your narrow-focused definition of homosexuality.

          • A note to all the real lesbians out there, don’t let posers like the users above push us out of our community, stand up for yourselves and your sexual orientation. Women like the aforementioned posers will very likely all be married to men in a few years anyway, still identifying as lesbians of course because, that’s their thing.

          • Gee, I wonder why nobody else is rallying your cry. Oh, right, it’s because not everyone is as narrow-minded as you.

          • woah, like, woah…

            Anon, you’ve just decided lesbian-identified women enjoying straight porn means they just want cock.

            Doesn’t that pretty much mean you have the same opinion as the large portion of straight men that you’re apparently rallying against?

            and these straight men have probably spent as little time as you have thinking about the meaning of constructions of sexual identity and society and other people thinking they can do that for you.

            Rachel called herself a ‘gold star lesbian’, as in she’s never slept with a man. She watches straight porn to get off, if she were bisexual, then she would just be bisexual.

          • @Paper0Flowers yeah, notice how “anon” pretends this paragraph (which was the core of my explanation) doesn’t exist and refuses to adress it? It’s fascinating how some people can bury their heads in denial.
            @Anon If you think that as soon as there are men involved, it all becomes about them and women stop to matter/exist, you have some deep seeded issues.

          • @GV “Denial” is one thing she’s burying her head in. I know this isn’t “my” argument, but I’m so fucking sick of people deciding how to label everyone else because of THEIR life experience and identity.

            There should definitely be an intro section for all new Autostraddlers: “What we think about Gender/Sexuality/Acceptance: Read before commenting.”

          • anon sounds like a male, straight, married, white American, spell; P-A-U-L-A B-R-O-O-K-S

            was just struck by the similarity of the self-righteous tone while reading the article on Heather’s blog (the wishful writer)

            end of off-topic random remark.

      • Not policing anything, dear, I don’t object to any woman watching straight or gay male porn, as long as they don’t go around incorrectly labeling themselves as lesbians, if you can’t see how damaging this is to those of us actual lesbians then you’re even more delusional than I thought. I’m only speaking out against this because it affects me and how people perceive lesbians.

        • What is an “actual lesbian”? I am really dykey and openly call myself a faggot so I’m not your average PC person but I don’t even know if you’d consider me an “actual lesbian” based on some of the choices I’ve made. I’m trying to see this from your perspective but I’m having a tough time. Please don’t take this as rude, I think this is a really interesting conversation.

          My biggest question is trying to understand how it negatively effects you that someone you don’t know calls herself a lesbian. Isn’t sexual orientation much more about what turns you on in reality than in thought or video? Maybe I can slightly understand the annoyance of you seeing women call themselves lesbians who then sleep with men or participate in relationships with men. Or maybe I cannot, I don’t think I care enough about other people’s lives enough to be annoyed by that. But no worries, I’ll give you that one. What I’m really lost about, though, is how getting off to watching straight porn or even gay male porn makes a woman who only sleeps with other women something other than a lesbian.

          And to take this further….how does this matter to your life? If you have a valid reason please share it, I really do want to know. Something tells me that the perception of lesbians you are going to bring up is that so many lesbians just need a dick. Do you think that a lesbian watching straight porn is really the breaking point for someone thinking that all lesbians just need a dick? Or is it possible that what sort of porn lesbians watch really does not affect the perception of lesbians? Do you walk around and talk about how you only watch a certain type of porn? Even to people who already might not have the best ideas about lesbians to begin with?

        • this isn’t even about being PC, it’s about you acting like a sexuality sorting (ass)hat.

    • I mean “I guess I’m not a lesbian” because m&f porn (done right. not just pokey poke) can be as enticing as f&f. Hell I hate to admit this, but I sometimes watch m&m porn. I don’t know. Call me gender biased, but I like my lesbian porn to be soft and sensual and male sex to be “rough” which is why two guys doing the do can be a turn on. But you know all lesbians so you got it.

    • “NEWSFLASH, they aren’t lesbians. Keep perpetuating the idea that most lesbians secretly desire dick though, it’s obviously really helping our community…”

      “I wish bisexuals like yourself were a rarer breed and didn’t insist on calling yourselves anything but bisexual, why does the b word scare you so much?”

      Seriously, are you for realz? I was a self-denying closet case for so long and getting off watching straight porn was definitely not an exercise in dick-loving, let me tell you.

      I have NEVER been turned on by doing anything with a guy. Penises (and everything in that general region on a dude) are gross looking to me. I focus on the girl while watching straight porn. If the guy is being too loud, its a turn-off. If the girl isn’t actually getting off, it does nothing.

      Are you seriously calling me bisexual?

  45. It it me or do these girls eat in every scene?
    It’s pretty much the opposite of PLL.

    Also, how are they talking about sperm at dinner? It seems counter-intuitive to me that a lesbian would eat food and talk about sperm.

    I’m only watching because of the recaps. You make me do that. Glee, PLL, The Real L Word — you could recap Sarah Palin’s Alaska (before it got axed, of course) and I would probably watch that junk, too. I hate your amazingness for that, but I love it much more when I’m watching all this junk with your recaps in mind.

  46. Looking at that photo of not-pregnant Kacy makes me hope they’re not having fertility problems. Because that’s shitty even when anyone with premium cable knows intimate details of your search for a donor. :P

  47. You left out the bizarre moment when Rachel explains that she likes watching women giving blowjobs because it makes women look like whores.

    Just.. wat.

  48. Where is Stamie and her babies??!???!?!? BRING BACK STAMIE AND TRACY! (And also that hot girl who Tracy was friends with and who was repairing a surfboard or something in the backyard?) More Hot Girls!

    Also, where are Rose and her bros? At least a stripper in a hotel room was more believable then one of Whitney’s bitches watching blowjobs because the W is too busy fucking Sadadahaaaaraaa.

  49. I spotted Kreayshawn’s DJ sister L1L D3BB13 walking in the dog park with whit whit and que sera sera (get it??) ! (http://twitter.com/#!/L1LD3BB13)

    – At first I didn’t like Romi for not doting on Kelsey. But I get it now. When you’re the only one bringing home the bacon it’ll make even the most philandering dry up. That’s stressful. And she’s having a quarter life “my life isn’t where it should be!” crisis.

    -The show is getting a bit too gratuitous. I’m not a prude, but gosh I don’t need Black Swan XXX masturbating scenes and such explicitness. Even the L Word wasn’t this raunchy. I don’t. Maybe I’m not into voyeurism, but I judge people who show all of their business to the world for the sake of reality tv contract. I don’t know. I’m being judgmental. Sorry…

    – I never know what the little blonde one Claire is saying. But I like the way she dresses.

    -Sajdah calm your self down. You just met that chick.

    I miss Tracey from last season… Can’t we like follow Tracey and Amber Heard and Tasya Van Ree and Teyanna Taylor around? These girls are a bit too ratchet and/or too focused on poking each other with baby making sperm. I’m unnerved half the show and *yawn* the other half.

  50. in short, this isn’t really a positive representation for the lesbian community. Season 2 has just gotten worse.

    btw, i think romi’s hairstyle is really hot (esp. the one during the motherly intervention going on)… that’s the only thing that keeps me infatuated with her i guess…

    poor korcy, their story here is really one-dimensional.. sperm-hunting all the way.. sheez!

  51. I am actually watching the show (online as I live in the UK). Although I do find TRLW soul-destroying this season – season 1 was *bearable* – I do think it’s worth watching because 1: it makes Reise’s recaps even funnier to read & 2: I’d feel a bit hypocritical saying how bad it is without watching it. Maybe that’s just me.
    I have to sat that I really can’t stand Claire, I honestly don’t get why so many people seem to like her / think she’s cute. She’s obviously really manipulative, Francine could do way better. Also I have to say I find Kasey and Cori’s “storyline” mind-numbing. I swear the conversations they have are EXACTLY the ones Tibette had in s1 of TLW when they were trying to get pregnant.

  52. maybe Whitney would like to reexamine her Shakespearean metaphor?
    Lady Macbeth/Sara: (to Whitney)
    Yet do I fear thy nature,
    It is too full o’ th’ milk of human kindness…

  53. I am with JMo. This show is lowbrow exploitation/trash. I am disgusted by it, and by the fact that Chaiken has sold out whatever priciples she might have had as a lesbian. This crap does NOT represent me, nor any other lesbian I know! But it has, so far, caused me to endure offensive remarks by straights on two separate occassions. so F**k you, Chaiken. and f**k you, Showtime. I just cancelled my subscription.

    • I’m actually thinking we should be writing GLAAD in protest and we should get Showtime/IFC’s gay pass revoked.

      Really, if this were being produced by someone straight (which it technically is – I think the Magical Elves are mostly straight and IFC is just dictating final cut but not in the day-to-day) would they be getting away with this shit?

      It’s pretty much showing us in the worst light possible with every stereotype there is under the premise that we all agree & support the portrayal. Which is exactly what GLAAD is against. (The stereotyping, worst light part.)

        • the most amazing part is the emails i’ve gotten from other people in the industry thanking me for taking a stand against IFC. nobody feels comfortable telling their own story in public – but i really can’t believe this woman still has a job.

          • You are brave. And I thank you too. I’ve managed to avoid her (and stay out of tv in general because I find most to be like her; film is much better imho) but the stories abound.

            The Hollywood lesbian mafia is real and it sucks! One of the things I hate most about living/working here. I hate to say that. We should all be working in a positive way together but it’s just not like that. They’re the clique from hell! And yeah, it is just like high school/Heathers.

          • Hollywood Lesbian Mafia?! Now there’s a movie! It can be a documentary like “Inside Job” except with executive lesbian realness which AS is famous for :P

  54. I have a question for the interweb savvy, if we all google Ilene Chaiken and then go to the 3rd page of results and click the Autostraddle link like 100 time each, will that eventually make it so if IFC googles herself, the first result is Autostraddle?

  55. why does it seem like alyssa brings up comments that whitney said off camera on purpose? it also seems like whitney tries to shut down the conversation when alyssa does bring up those comments. she lets the cameras record her almost naked having sex but wants to restrict her on-camera conversations?

    and who told showtime (or the producers, or whoever is responsible) that they wanted to see masturbation and explicit sex on camera like that? even if the audience is men, they could just buy porn, or watch for free online, instead of paying for showtime to see this show.

  56. also…

    riese, thank you for recapping the show. i am totally playing favorites, but other sites don’t recap the show in the great way you do.

  57. Ugh! I’m usually the first person with my mind in the gutter but this show is appalling! I need an adult! What’s the safe word?! Make it stop!

  58. Honestly this is such a BAD portrait on Lesbians. You start the show with women having sex. What reality show starts out with a sex scene besides a porn. I have seen all of these women’s breast and it is only episode TWO!!! Please Showtime STOP objectifying women and Honestly Ladies stop playing yourself short by showing intimate moments, because I enjoy the story not the sex.

  59. “guard your asshole, she’s got those heels on again”

    ^ funniest thing on this whole site

  60. um woww! if i was romi, i would just drop kelsey like its hot! chicks who are ambitious and successful are the hottest

  61. oh shit ! Am I the only one who watch TRLW2 ?
    Guilty pleasure or should I get a life ?!? Okay, I admit, I like to watch the show ( with frequent pauses to walk away and say WTF, OMG, Am I really seeing this? , Don’t the characters have any decency?, Are they acting or are they plain stupid? )

    When you have nothing interesting or good to say, just say something ridiculous or stupid! It works as well.

    – I can’t understand how they can be so attached to their sperm.

    – You are ovulating next month. ( really?!?)

    – I like getting it off by seeing whores sucking dicks. ( seriously, do we really need to know this information and worse witness it too )

    – I am bipolar but you have a drinking problem. ( or forget it, just bring my food and my alcohol)

    – I don’t ask you for money, just money for the bus fare.

    – I want to get away from all this lesbian drama. ( i prefer washing my dirty laundry in front of cameras not in front of drunk lesbians)

    XXX

  62. These recaps make me actually want to watch this show… but only after I’ve read the recap, so I can laugh instead of cry at how horrible it is…

  63. i am a lesbian and i really don’t wanna watch ‘penis’ so does it make me inhuman? really what’s wrong with us? if some girl says she would sleep with a dick and claims to be a lesbian then okay, but if some girl says she is a lesbian who isn’t roused by penis then she is termed as some ‘asshole’ Why? this type of arguing isn’t really ‘neutral’ because you are automatically taking sides when you say ‘asshole’ to somebody who identifies as a lesbian and really doesn’t feels like watching a cock or sleeping with a man. The thing that there is so much negativity now-a-days regarding lesbians who really don’t feel like going down on men is something i don’t understand. Look sexuality means how you feel naturally, i feel ‘lesbian’ because men don’t attract me sexually and so i don’t get roused by them in any way. I get roused to see two women and that’s all i want to see. If there are some man on woman thing going on on Teevee then i would simply change the channel because i don’t feel into it. That’s how i feel naturally. But if there is some woman-on-woman action, i stick on it. That’s how i feel. When you shout at somebody who feel like ‘Anon’ and me here what you are saying is that sexuality isn’t ‘natural’ but a choice. And see that’s what we are fighting for that it’s NATURAL for me that i don’t ‘feel’ like going down on men but on women and it’s not my ‘choice’ but when you call people like me ‘ass holes’ or ‘exclusively lesbians’ then it tell that you are supporting the thing that sexuality is a ‘choice’ or a ‘lifestyle’ which doesn’t come naturally. Everyone has a right to say how they feel as per freedom of speech but unfortunately these rights are violated when a lesbian who doesn’t naturally feels like bisexual wants to speak her thoughts. If you are a bisexual lesbian then it’s cool but if you are a homosexual lesbian then you are regarded as somebody conservative? Why? I mean there are lesbians who really don’t want penis, what’s wrong it that? why are you shouting at those women who are simply saying what they naturally feel like? How can you compare them with Paula Brooks? isn’t it a kind of lesbian bashing? or should I now have to start another community parade saying- PLEASE DON’T HATE ME LESBIANS AS I DON’T WANT TO PENIS! PLEASE ACCEPT ME AS YOU COMMUNITY EVEN THOUGH I REALLY DON’T WANT PENIS, I RESPECT THEM WITH ALL MY HEART BUT I REALLY DON’T WANNA GO DOWN ON THEM BECAUSE IT DOESN’T COME NATURALLY TO ME (BELIEVE ME, IT DOESN’T) SO PLEASE CONSIDER ME HUMAN AND A GOOD LESBIAN WHO IS NOT PENIS-CENTRIC BUT ALSO NOT AN A-HOLE.PLEASE ACCEPT ME IN YOU COMMUNITY WITHOUT ASKING ME TO PROVE MY OPENMINDEDNESS BY LIKING A PENIS (WITH DUE RESPECT, IT REALLY DOESN’T TURN ME ON)

    another side note-WILL I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH A GUY NOW TO PROVE THAT I AM A LESBIAN?
    just saying. You can throw me outa here but then i really won’t have any place to go because i don’t belong to the hetero community but now i have lost my homos too since i cannot like a penis which is like some new requirement to prove that you are an open minded human lesbian.

    • Um, it’s the internet. You can’t get banished from a website. And what’s with the rant? Seriously. Your sexuality is your own. You define it for yourself. If you want to watch a gay male orgy, you can still be a lesbian. You can be turned on by sexuality that is not your own. So there you have it! I hereby allow you to come to this website and play with yourself to whatever you want by the power vested in me by my own damn self.

  64. also i HATE THE REAL L WORD because it missed totally what it could have done for us- like telling people that we are good human beings. They should have centered more on relationships then sex (just sex in this case) see i am a lesbian who likes gasp-‘only’ women and yet i am sensible and not totally inhuman. And i am not Paula Brooks, also i am not giving my real identity because i am not out to my people yet, i live in very conservative culture. So please don’t doubt my authenticity as lesbian as i mentioned not wanting penis and not wanting to use my real name instead of a pseudo.

    Am i still allowed here? just wanna know. Where am I supposed to go if i am not even allowed here?

  65. PLEASE PPL DON’T CALL ME A ‘GUY’, ‘HOAX’, ‘EXCLUSIVELY LESBIAN’ OR PAULA BROOKS ONLY BECAUSE I SAID THAT PENIS DON’T ROUSE ME NATURALLY BECAUSE SERIOUSLY THAT’S HOW I FEEL, (I AM HERE TALKING ONLY ABOUT ‘MY’ FEELINGS AND HOW ‘I’ FEEL, NOT OF EVERYBODY BECOZ EVERYBODY IS NOT ME)PLEASE I AM A REAL WOMAN WHO LOVES WOMEN (‘LESBIAN’ IF IT’S STILL THE CORRECT TERM) BUT PLEASE DON’T DOUBT ME COZ IT REALLY HURTS, HURTS MORE THEN WHEN SOME JERK HOMOPHOBIC HETERO SAYS THAT I AM INHUMAN BECAUSE I DON’T LIKE THE OPPOSITE!

    please that’s the way i was born and i didn’t chose to be like that. I really tried hard to be with men but it was devastating for me. So please don’t throw me out of here or think that i am CONSERVATIVE.

  66. GREENLUV1322 Ur awesome!!! I mean I do think there are aspects of the show that are so UNREALISTIC but what reality show is completely real? Like I’m sure everyone frm new jersey doesn’t act like the cast frm the jersey shore but its just a show. Let’s just take it for wat it is :)

  67. “Back to Drama Club, where Whitney’s basically just repeating “Really Sara?” over & over. It’s like a lullaby for the spawn of Satan.”

    Sara = Papi
    Whitme knows her L Word classics.

    • There was an episode. I know because unfortunately I saw it with my own eyes. And I don’t know if I am just getting used to it, but I found it to be the least offensive so far this season.

  68. Ever since Claire said that lesbians aren’t the birkenstock wearing lesbians anymore and I realize…..wait…..I AM A BIRKENSTOCK WEARING LESBIAN…. and now I want some basic fashion advice from her…or anyone…. someday I wanna move out west and I don’t think i’m fashionable enough for that….haha…. my hippie vermont style isn’t cutting it…..

  69. some thoughts i had:

    1. it seems like the doggy park scene was staged, right? but when Rachel says “do you mind if we get out of here? i’m feeling like… I don’t wanna be here” she sounds like her voice breaks a tiny bit, as if she was about to cry. which made my heart break a tiny bit. that felt really real to me. so idk. maybe it was staged but Rachel & Shay didn’t know who else they would find at the doggy park, the producers just were like “oh hey lets go to this dog park for reason that will be revealed later”.
    2. how does claire have a car if she just moved to LA? my guess is that her parents who were in town and staying at a hotel probably drove it down for her to use or something. idk. i guess it doesn’t matter, i just found myself thinking about it.
    3. The editing and exclusive focus on Sajdah with her new boo Channel makes it seem like she’s obsessed, like she’s jumping in way too fast. But think about it: after you go out on a date, especially a first date with somebody that you really clicked with, you’re gonna be talking about it a lot, especially to your bffs. We see maybe 5 minutes of her talking about it…. When we’re all guilty of talking about our dates for much longer than that to our close friends the day after. Its the fact that we only ever get to see her talking about channel that makes it seem so bad, it makes it seem like she’s been talking about it all day long and nothing else. If we also saw more shots of her at her job, doing some field organizing, or god forbid they actually show us a scene of her talking to voters who voted for prop 8, etc then we wouldn’t be left with the impression that she is going too fast too soon. so, I forgive Sajdah for that. however it seems so clear that she is getting her timelines mixed up. whenever she mentions moving to LA she also mentions she came out a year ago, making it seem like she’s been living in LA for a year too, when clearly she JUST moved there.
    4. The same thing goes for Cori and Kacy. I think that the amount of time they spend talking about sperm is normal for a couple who’s trying to have a baby, but the fact that we ONLY EVER get to see them talking about sperm in every single fucking scene makes it seem like thats their entire lives. I want to know more about them, their families, how they met, their careers, why they kept putting of babies year after year, what made them decide to dive in, and SO MUCH MORE.
    5. i LOVE all the scenes with Romi’s mom. Its one of the few scenes we get to witness that puts everything out on the table, no vague references to situations we know nothing about (like with Rose & her mom), with grown up specific language instead of whitney’s vague metaphors for everything. it feels like I’m sitting in on a very intimate therapy session, which is something I’ve always wanted to do. Romi seems like she’s the most open (both in IFC definition, aka nekked, and my own definition) out of everyone on the show, she’s not trying to create a different narrative (or at least the producers aren’t trying to force it when its not there). Maybe this is her attempt to take control after feeling so violated by “those rapey cameras” in the strap-on scene last season. She had zero control in that situation, so going back and bearing all for the cameras willingly is a way to take back that control. Exactly like how Jenny became a stripper in order to feel in control of her sexuality while she was sorting through the trauma of her history of sexual abuse.
    Anyway, I loved how honest and real she was with her mom, and how willingly she admitted her flaws. its so refreshing in contrast to Whitney’s refusal to look at herself.
    6. Speaking of rape, “I just want to rape her everytime I saw her”…. Was that really necessary to include? It was an interview and they could have so easily chosen another line than one including that word. The R Word that has been brought up inappropriately twice now. Come on IFC, you know better!!!! I know you know better!!! You have an entire character who battles with being a rape/patriarchy victim for six seasons… i know you know better.
    7. The lighting in the solo interviews is so terrible it makes everyone look bad.
    8. Alyssa has twice now called out Whitney’s bullshit in front of the cameras. Whitney obviously doesn’t want some things on camera, things that don’t fit with the narrative she is trying to create, and Alyssa hates the manipulation and so she says it when the cameras are around on purpose. Its kind of funny. Go Alyssa. j
    9. Go ahead and kill me, but I actually liked the masturbation scene, go figure.
    10. All of Whitney’s love interests DO look alike. The weird thing is that Scarlett also looks like these girls. It makes me wonder why the two of them never got together. Speaking of Scarlett, where did she go!???
    11. Ugh, I hate the fake “meeting for the first time” scenes.
    12. Drunk Kelsey trying to take care of even drunker Romi, completely with Romi wandering off across the street… just wow. I was actually more embarrassed for Romi than I was for the strap-on scene.
    13. Okay, this is my opinion on Sara. I think that both Whitney and Sara get off on making girls fall in love with them, romancing them, telling them exactly what they want to hear, and then when these girls get hurt, pretending like they did nothing wrong and have been honest the whole time. They get off on holding power over the other girls, knowing that the girls like them more than they like them. (sentences like these make me wish there was more than one female pronoun). Basically, they’re conquerors. The ultimate prize though is conquering another conqueror. I wish I knew more about world history to insert a fitting analogy here. Sara is clearly attempting to invade whitney-land and put her flag down. its a power thing. As happy as I am to see Whitney getting a taste of her own medicine, I am sad too, mostly because I don’t think Whitney realizes that she is getting a taste of her own medicine. basically Whitney has very poor self realization / self knowledge.
    14. “back at Francine’s Home for Wayward Exes, later that night/month” The laptop clearly says Wednesday around 9:00pm so unless the party was at 5pm on a wednesday night, this was definitely not shot that evening. Also later on you can tell they did some frankenbiting in the scene where Franny is talking to her coworker about the situation.

    ok thats all for now.

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