The next morning in school, Ezra is once again the Liar’s teacher and they are once again totally awkward and stressed about it.

THE THEME OF THE WEEK IN GLEE CLUB

Ezra: “All things truly wicked start from innocence.”

Also Spencer’s shoulders look great.

OPENLY DISOBEYING THE “NO HATS IN SCHOOL” POLICY. SPENCER REALLY HAS CHANGED.

Later, the Liars prep for their faux big party in very real very expensive looking dresses. Emily debates throwing red paint on Aria’s fur jacket while the three chat. They are, of course, being filmed. At this point it’s safe to say the Liars are always being filmed.

THANK GOODNESS WE ALL HAD THESE DESIGNER FORMAL DRESSES JUST LYING AROUND THE HOUSE

At The Party Lodge, Spencer and TobAy make out a bunch.

CAN I KEEP HIM? I ALWAYS WANTED A LIFE SIZED CAVEMAN!

MonA and I have similar feelings on the issue.
MonA chats up Red Coat on her cell phone and is all, “You’re getting what you always wanted,” and “It’s all over,” “You can land your fancy plane now,” and “I have that vibrating underwear you wanted,” “Where do we keep the good rice vinegar?” Typical stuff. What MonA doesn’t know is that the other three Liars have changed into their Spy Kids clothing and are making their way into the building from the back.

THIS IS JUST LIKE CHARLIE’S ANGELS EXCEPT BEYONCÉ ISN’T SINGING IN THE BACKGROUND.

To avoid MonA, TobAy acts like he’s going to take Spencer out back and slay her. He and Spencer go outside just as Red Coat’s plane is landing. I can’t even believe Red Coat travels by plane. That’s so bad for the environment. TobAy reminds Spencer that their goal is for her to see Red Coat’s face and the two part ways.

ACTUALLY JUST DROPPING OFF ROSEWOOD’S WEEKLY SHIPMENT OF WHITE GUYS WITH THE SAME HAIRCUT.

Red Coat departs the plan and Spencer does her best sneak attack. Finally seeing her face, Spencer thinks Red Coat is Ali. Of course, Rosewood is filled with blondes and Spencer is at a distance so at this point it could still potentially be someone else.

SO THAT’S WHERE THEY ALL COME FROM

MonA preps for the big showdown, but is quickly confronted by the three musketeers.

YOU’RE RIGHT. I DON’T

What all four of them don’t know is that someone just locked them in and set The Party Lodge on fire!

IS THAT AN ENJOYABLE LONG TERM LESBIAN STORY LINE I HEAR COMING AROUND THE CORNER?

NO, IT’S JUST THE PATRIARCHY

House fires really scares me and is the main reoccurring theme in most of my nightmares. I’m fine with campfires. Actually I make a great campfire myself– we can totally go camping sometime if you want. Wait. I’m getting distracted. Where was I? Right. With all the smoke in the building the girls freak out.

I CAN’T DIE IN THIS FIRE!! I NEVER EVEN BOUGHT MY FIRST STRAP-ON! I HAVEN’T LIVED!

DO YOU EVEN REALIZE HOW HARD IT WILL BE TO WASH THE SMOKE OUT OF MY HAIR?!

I JUST IMAGINE LIKE TWO HUGE DILDOS ON TRAPEZES SWINGING THROUGH THE AIR TOWARDS THEM

In the hullabaloo MonA accidentally reveals that even she doesn’t know who Red Coat is!

AND YOU JUST KNOW I WON’T EVEN GET MY BIG LESBIAN PLOT LINE UNTIL SWEEPS WEEK OF SEASON FIVE

As for TobAy, he goes off strolling around in the dark trying to I.D. other woodland dwellers, but all that ends up happening is he gets knocked unconscious and a lighter placed in his hand. I guess whoever started the fire wanted to frame TobAy. That would have been my move too. Minus the starting a house fire part what with my previously mentioned tremendous fear.

IS THIS A TRUE NORTH LIGHTER? LOOKS MORE LIKE A TRUE NORTHWEST LIGHTER

Fortunately no one dies because someone drags the Liars out of the house. Wouldn’t that have been kind of a funny twist if they had died though? Like the fourth season is just us watching Shana, Jenna and Melissa run around town? Maybe Paige would get some screen time.

Hanna wakes up first and sees Red Coat’s face staring back at her. It’s Alison!

EVEN RED COAT HAS TIME TO DO SMOKEY EYE MAKEUP.

MonA runs over to the Liars like she’s just spotted a 30% off sale at J.Crew and announces that she too saw Ali! Now it’s a trifecta of Ali spotters. No one believes MonA, because she’s the fucking bad guy, but Hanna agrees.
Spencer finally hears the fire commotion, runs over to see whats going on and seals the deal on the Ali is Red Coat trifecta. Okay one more time for SQL purposes: Alison is Red Coat. I was right? You were right? We were all right? Everyone was right.

Also. Three people spotting her? Clearly Red Coat/Alison wanted it this way. Just sayin’.

The Liars and MonA ride home together in the same car. I couldn’t possibly say why, since they probably took three cars up between them. Watching MonA sit bitch in the back seat while the Liars grill her is pretty hilarious though. It oddly reminds me of the shawarma scene at the end of The Avengers in that it feels like the part they’re not supposed to show us. You’re not supposed to see the part where the superheroes stop for lunch or where James Bond stops to take a piss or when the Liars have to suffer through a long and totally awkward car ride home.

THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT YELLING “SHOTGUN NOT MIDDLE” FAST ENOUGH

In a lot of ways, this scene gives us the most raw, real and totally unhinged MonA yet. MonA tells the Liars she made a deal with Red Coat at Radley in order to get a way in and out. This seems patently false, since when Red Coat first confronted MonA, MonA said, “I did everything you asked me to.”

I FEEL LIKE ARIA STOLE THAT HAT FROM PAIGE

MonA: At first it was fun having a partner, but then the game changed. She stole you from me.

As the Liars reenter Rosewood they drive by the church. Outside is Wilden’s cop car, covered in the set dressings from the Broadway version of The Little Mermaid, pulled up out of the lake.

THE SEAWEED IS ALWAYS GREENER/ ON SOMEBODY ELSE’S LAKE/ YOU DREAM ABOUT LESBO SEX SCENES/ BUT THIS SHOW WILL ALWAYS FLAKE/ JUST LOOK AT THE PLOTS AROUND YOU/ SAMARA WAS SUCH A BORE/ COULD JENNA AND SHANA GIVE US/ THE GIRL SEX WE’RE LOOKING FOR?

The front seat laptop is still showing the video of Ashley Marin, which is surprising given it’s been submerged for like a week. The big difference is that now the computer is showing Jenna and Shana helping Wilden off the ground and taking him away. Awww. A couple that plots together stays together.

THEN THE THREE OF THEM HIT UP SECOND SATURDAY AT MACHINE IN BOSTON

Then, just to make it a season finale, they all get a mysterious text from A, pop the trunk of the car and gasp at what they see.

THERE’S NOTHING IN LIFE MORE CONSISTENT THAN RECEIVING ANONYMOUS TEXTS OF DICK PICS.

FIVE TRAPEZE DILDO FLYING THROUGH THE AIR

My guess? It’s a trunk full of the tapes that Jenna was scared the Liars would get. If it’s a dead body I think it’s Cece or Jason. Or Maya. If I’ve learned anything from this show it’s that it could always be Maya’s dead body.

SO PICK OUT A COLLAR AND YOUR FAVORITE FLOGGER AND LET’S DO THIS THING

Our final cut scene in a flashback where a hand reaches through the dirt just like in the Halloween Train Episode and that episode of True Blood and maybe also in Buffy? Except this time someone reaches in, grabs her hand, and pulls her out.

THAT’S WHAT I CALL A GOOD HAND JOB

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