Hey Clonesters, welcome to the recap of the second episode of the smash hit show my mother refers to as “Orphan is the New Black.”
We open in the hospital where nurses are tending to Helena. Everyone seems pretty amazed that she’s even alive, considering she took a bullet to the chest.
Art and Sarah are investigating the Prolethians and trying to figure out what they want with Kira. I’m trying to figure out what is up with that belt buckle. Is it supposed to be a Jesus fish? Who knows.
Felix arrives and is surprised that Sarah let Art into Clone Club. But he doesn’t know the secret handshake or anything! She doesn’t know where she is, but there’s a scary old man with her. Scary hangs up the phone before Sarah can get any more info.
Art is able to trace the call to an old motel, and he and Sarah get ready to go. Because no mission is complete without accessories, Felix gives Sarah a kicky green clone phone! He really is the best BFF a girl could ask for.
Over in Preppyville, Alison and family are attending Aynsley’s funeral. Alison feels guilty as fuck for letting Aynsley die in a tragic scarf/garbage disposal accident that now has me scared to use my own garbage disposal. I don’t even wear scarves, but since when does fear make sense?
To make matters worse, all the preppy moms are gossiping about Alison banging Aynsley’s husband, Donnie is being useless, and her kids just stole the funerary flowers. Go Team Hendrix!
Alison’s friend Sarah Stubbs from the musical comes over and gives her a hug. She also tells her not to mind them nosy bitches.
Alison, who is weighed down with her family’s coats, feels Donnie’s phone ring. When she checks his phone she finds a series of incriminating texts…Donnie was her monitor all along!
Though she is trying to stay dry, Alison grabs the nearest drink and downs that shit while the world around her crumbles.
We then go to a country farm, where we meet Pastor Henrik/Hank aka Lorna’s husband Bob from Bomb Girls! Are there only like, 30 actors in Canada? When are those Degrassi kids gonna start showing up? Marco could date Felix, Paige could hook up with Cosima, think about it, BBC America!
Hank is soon joined by Belt Buckle, whom he praises for saving Helena. Hank refers to her as the sister of the mother aka the one that got away. Hank then fists/inseminates a cow, and they praise the Lord.
Hank and BB make plans to get Helena out of the hospital, and Hank’s wife Bonnie asks if she needs to make a bed, or if Helena can just crash in the barn baby Jesus style.
We then jump to Cosima (swoon) getting questioned by Dr. Leekie about Sarah’s party crashing/Rachel smashing antics. Cosima denies any involvement, and Delphine backs her up.
Dr. Leekie tells her not to mess with Rachel, and that he doesn’t want a war. Unless it’s a thumb war. Then he’s all in. Delphine just wants to go to their new lab and “make crazy science” with Cosima. Hey girl hey. They have major advancements to make in the field of Fingerblasterology.
Sarah and Art show up at the old motel, but Kira and the old guy have already blown the joint. They search the hotel room, where Sarah finds a drawing by Kira. Art sees Daniel aka Rachel’s henchman outside, so he goes to shake him down.
Sarah finds a trail of tiny socks and clothes and follows it into a laundry room, then a garage. Whenever I’m following a trail of socks I usually find a very pleased looking dachshund in a laundry basket, but Sarah isn’t so lucky.
We then cut to a dusty country road, where the car stops and Sarah is taken out of the trunk. Once out she kicks the old guy in the balls but is quickly calmed by… Mrs. S! With a rifle!
Before Sarah can say “what the actual fuck?”, Mrs. S tells her that she’s passing through an air lock, a secret route for people on the run. She unties her and Sarah wants to know whose side she’s really on. Mrs. S assures her she’s on Team Sarah, as are we all (JK we are on Team Cosima and Delphine Making Out).
Back at the Dyad Institute, Cosima is getting a tour of her swanky new digs. Turns out that Dyad is a storied old company that has created vaccines for millions in addition to a bunch of hot clones.
Dr. Leekie shows her to a dusty old lab that Cosima calls “Clone Jail”, but he assures her that they’ll customize it to her needs.
He tells her to make a wish list; any tech she wants, she’ll have.
We then tie our sweaters around our shoulders and head on back to Preppyville, where Alison is rehearsing the musical. Getting over Aynsley’s death is not easy when you’re performing a musical about dead bodies.
It’s like dealing with a facial disfigurement while performing Phantom of the Opera. Or handling a roller derby injury while doing Starlight Express. Or trying to deal with bisexual clichés and prejudice while starring in Rent. It’s hard, is what I’m getting at.
Anyway, Alison accidently knocks over a dancer and the director tells everyone to take five. The director then tells Alison that she needs to breathe deeper, and emphasizes this by groping her ass and rubbing her belly.
Hands off, Grossy McGross! They should fire this tool and hire Corky St. Clair, STAT.
Felix shows up to rescue Alison from getting molested. He claims to be Alison’s acting coach (which is adorable) and they go to a nearby classroom to catch up.
Alison tells Felix that Donnie is her monitor, but Felix says that they need more proof than just some vague texts. This sends Alison into a guilty tailspin over Aynsley’s death, and concern over going to jail. Can you imagine Alison in jail? She’d be running that joint in a week.
Also, it needs to be mentioned that throughout this scene, Alison and Felix are drinking from tiny airplane bottles of booze. Are they just carrying this around everywhere?
Felix says they need an idea to trap Donnie, and Alison tells him what every college student already knows: drinking leads to ideas.