“Lizzie Borden Took An Axe” Movie Recap: More Like Take A Nap, Amirite

Hey Pet Pigeons! After subjecting myself to Flowers in the Attic last week, I’m doing it a second time with Lizzie Borden Took An Axe. Why would I do this? Because the only thing better/worse than a Lifetime movie is a Lifetime movie about murder! Plus, it stars Christina Ricci AND your imaginary girlfriend Clea Duvall!

On a serious not though, it’s a fascinating true crime story with talented actresses attached. Plus I’m really enjoying Masquer’s creepy version of the Lesley Gore classic “You Don’t Own Me.”

I mean, this will always be the best version of that song, but still, good stuff.

With so much going for it, this movie couldn’t possibly be worse than FITA, right? Right?

noptupus

SPOILER ALERT: this movie is poopy shit. So let’s dive the fuck into this cinematic dumpster, shall we?

The movie opens with Lizzie eating a pear and hanging out with some pet pigeons while creeping on a guy hanging laundry. She wanders around outside her house in her underwear…or at least I think it’s her underwear. Maybe it’s a dress?

The Patricide collection by Free People

The Patricide collection by Free People

Inside, her stepmother makes the bed and her father lies down for a nap…sidebar, I know it’s the olden timey days, but whenever I see someone on TV or in a movie take a nap fully clothed, I call shenanigans. Who naps in their fucking shoes and cummerbund and neck tie? STOP THE NAP LIES.

Just getting a snooze on in my three-piece suit...

Just getting a snooze on in my three-piece suit…

Lizzie walks into the house and sees her dad on the couch with his head all bashed open. She screams. The credits roll. BTW, Forever Intern Grace made the BEST adjustment ever to the title credits.

From the alternate Lizzie McGuire timeline where she chops Gordo's head off

From the alternate Lizzie McGuire timeline where she chops Gordo’s head off

We see the Bordens still very much alive and leaving church. Let’s take a moment to admire Lizzie and Emma’s jaunty hats. Emma is Lizzie’s older sister, and she’s played by Clea Duvall (HEY GIRL HEY).

I couldn't concentrate on the sermon bc I couldn't stop thinking about how fierce we look

I couldn’t concentrate on the sermon bc I couldn’t stop thinking about how fierce we look

Lizzie admires the neighbor’s new carriage. We find out that Papa Borden is rich but super stingy. A guy admires the loveliness of the Borden girls, but their father is just like, where the fuck are my grandkids? Because that’s all daughters were good for in the old timey days, apparently. Also, they’re having mutton for lunch again.

I FUCKING HATE MUTTON!

I FUCKING HATE MUTTON!

Basically, Lizzie is bored as fuck and looking for some action. I mean, just look at her face.

Still groggy from her fully clothed pew nap

Still groggy from her fully clothed pew nap

Church is followed by a silent cold lunch and some silent cold chores.

Sweet! Mulligatawny soup...

Sweet! Mulligatawny soup…

Just realized Delphine made it

Just realized Delphine made it

Poop soup twice in one week? We haven't the ducats for such luxuries!

Poop soup twice in one week? We haven’t the ducats for such luxuries!

It’s pretty clear that the Borden house is austere as fuck and Lizzie isn’t even allowed to hum while ironing the laundry. SHE CAN’T HUM Y’ALL, HEADS GONNA ROLL!

Silence Elizabeth! You know we only sing Tangled songs in this house!

Silence Elizabeth! You know we only sing Tangled songs in this house!

Lizzie is tired of being silenced literally and figuratively. It’s the classic tale of sexual repression and patriarchy and corsets and baskets! Lizzie goes out to feed her pigeons, her caged birds. Get it, because she’s a caged bird! BIRD METAPHORS FOR EVERY FEMALE STORY EVER AND EVER!

The birdwoman of Axecatraz

The birdwoman of Axecatraz

While she’s tending to her birds, she sees her cheap ass father arguing with some workers he refuses to pay. It’s pretty obvious Borden is a cheap bastard. I mean, his daughter’s only pets are pigeons! I believe the word pigeon is Latin for “shit bird.”

Will Stepmother notice if I dump a pile of pigeon shit in her valise?

Will Stepmother notice if I dump a pile of pigeon shit in her valise?

Lizzie is beyond bored, so she steals some money from her stepmother’s purse and heads into town for a shopping spree. And by “spree” I mean she goes to the only dress shop in town.

Okay, we need to talk about the music in this movie, because it is cuckoo bananas. All of the background music is modern twangy shit-kicking honky tonk. It seriously sounds like someone put the True Blood soundtrack on in the background and said “fuck it.” I have no problem with modern music in a period piece (see Moulin Rouge/A Knight’s Tale) but the lyrics to the song are literally “she’s a bad girl/crazy girl.”

WE GET IT MOVIE, SHE’S A KILLER! YOU DO NOT NEED TO TELL US THROUGH SONG!

Unless this is going to be a full-blown musical, in which case YES PLEASE.

Do you want to build a snowman...with our father's severed head?

Do you want to build a snowman… with our father’s severed head?

Lizzie meets up with her BFF Alice at the dress shop, and they pick out dresses for the party that night. Even though her father has forbidden her from going out, Lizzie does what she wants. And she wants freedom, big dreams, and to get fucked up at the party tonight.

What should we call this dress color? Burnt Beige? Healthy Poops?

What should we call this dress color? Burnt Beige? Healthy Poops?

Let's name it after your stepmother! LOL but srsly she raised you as her own

Let’s name it after your stepmother! LOL but srsly she raised you as her own

Alice asks about her sister Emma, but Lizzie tells her that Emma dreams small and boring and is a total pillowcase. Lizzie says/plants that her father has so many enemies, she feels like something terrible is about to happen.

Something terrible that I can completely control is going to happen

Something terrible that I can completely control is going to happen

When Lizzie goes to buy the dress, the shopkeeper informs her that her stepmom cut off her credit. Lizzie pays with the stolen cash and shoplifts a fancy mirror when the woman’s back is turned.

I'm sorry Miss, that isn't money that's a handful of bird shit.

I’m sorry Miss, that isn’t money that’s a handful of bird shit.

I can't wait to examine my own vagina in this sweet sweet stolen mirror

I can’t wait to examine my own vagina in this sweet sweet stolen mirror

We then flash to Lizzie at home, where she gets naked and looks herself over in the mirror.

With this full length mirror and the one I stole, I will finally be able to see my taint!

With this full length mirror and the one I stole, I will finally be able to see my taint!

Emma walks in and is like, why the fuck did you steal a hand mirror, dad is pissed! Lizzie tries to cover it up, but Emma knows when she’s lying. Apparently Lizzie lies to everyone.

You're just a pretty little liar...

You’re just a pretty little liar…

But the ABC Family quiz told me I was 90% Mona!

But the ABC Family quiz told me I was 90% Mona!

Dad paid off the shopkeeper, but he’s still pissed about the theft. He bans Lizzie from going to the party, especially without an escort. Lizzie’s response is to turn on the creep charm and feels up her father to convince him to let her go.

Look, I'll be Cathy and you'll be Chris and we'll roleplay the fuck out of this grossness

Look, I’ll be Cathy and you’ll be Chris and we’ll roleplay the fuck out of this grossness

Once the lights are out, Lizzie sneaks off to join the party. And by sneak I mean she walks right through the front door and no one gives a shit. Once she gets to the party, it’s all hillbilly rock, red light bulbs, and bad behavior. BTW, it is really weird to watch people ballroom dancing to honky tonk.

Girl, tonight I'm gonna show you everything I learned with that hand mirror

Girl, tonight I’m gonna show you everything I learned with that hand mirror

Lizzie joins a group of people and has a drink. One woman knows her as the Sunday school teacher, but Lizzie reminds her that’s only on Sundays.

Monday through Saturday I'm a regular fuck machine, Agnes!

Monday through Saturday I’m a regular fuck machine, Agnes!

Lizzie is soon joined by her friend Nance, who she seems to be flirting with her. Or not. After all this build-up to this party, literally nothing happens. No clandestine love affair. No drugs. Literally a glass of sherry and she’s out that bitch. This sets the tone for the rest of the movie, and that tone is build up to absolutely nothing.

Too wired to sleep, too tired to rub one out

Too wired to sleep, too tired to rub one out

The next morning, Lizzie’s parents are all in a tizzy because some jewelry and money is missing. They’ve even called the police, which is ridiculous because it’s obviously their klepto daughter.

Of course I didn't steal your jewelry! I'm wearing a fucking shoelace as a necklace!

Of course I didn’t steal your jewelry! I’m wearing a fucking shoelace as a necklace!

Lizzie tells her father that the real thief is the stepmom. Apparently Dad is willing to spend money on the stepmom and her side of the family, but he keeps Emma and Lizzie locked up like prisoners.

I've made paper flowers til my fingers bleed, but it's still a fucking attic up there!

I’ve made paper flowers til my fingers bleed, but it’s still a fucking attic up there!

She then turns on the creepy flirt charm with her dad by admiring the gold ring she gave him. He wants her to get married to someone, but she’s like fuck marriage. Spinsterhood forever!

Nance and I were looking into something called a Boston marriage, have you heard of it?

Nance and I were looking into something called a Boston marriage, have you heard of it?

Lizzie then cleans the pigeon coop, which is filled with blood and she has no reaction to it! What the actual fuck? Emma tells her she’s leaving town to visit a friend, and Lizzie is like, cool, take your time, ignore my crazy eyes!

Just promise me no wild parties, no drinking, and no murder

Just promise me no wild parties, no drinking, and no murder

Two out of three, got it.

Two out of three, got it.

After Emma leaves, we see Mr. Borden go to town. Bridget the maid cleans the windows. Mrs. Borden makes the beds. Lizzie goes into the basement. What is this, Chores: The Movie ?

I have to say, we haven’t even hit the first commercial break, and this movie is dragging ass. It should win an award for Best Opposite of Tension in a Televised Film. The maid hears a loud noise, and dad comes home. Lizzie tells him that her stepmom went out. Dad wants to know why she’s all hot and sweaty.

Sorry Father, you caught me in the midst of a wicked downstairs DJ concert, if you know what I mean!

Sorry Father, you caught me in the midst of a wicked downstairs DJ concert, if you know what I mean!

Gross

Gross

Lizzie waits for him to take a nap and we hear a muffled scream. We jump back to the opening scene, where Lizzie screams at her father’s dead body. Bridget runs upstairs and screams as well.

Just found Emma's enormous strap-on collection

Just found Emma’s enormous strap-on collection

During the commercial break, there is a trailer for Lifetime’s next original movie, The Gabby Douglas Story. I’m not gonna recap that.

Time to start a "who's at the pommel horse?" meme

Time to start a “who’s at the pommel horse?” meme

Like I’m going to snark all over an Olympic champion and make vagina jokes about a child on a balance beam? Please, I have some respect. Adults on a balance beam however, will be nothing but LOLs and stubbed vag jokes. You’ve been warned, Kerri Strug!

So Bridget runs into town screaming for a doctor. A crowd gathers outside the house as the doctor and the police investigate the murder scene. It’s so gruesome that one officer pukes. Everyone is like, where’s the stepmom? Bridget goes upstairs and finds her all axe murdered as well.

Okay, first we'll take a photo of the corpse. Then, everyone jump in for a silly one

Okay, first we’ll take a photo of the corpse. Then, everyone jump in for a silly one

Rejected American Horror Story opening credits image

Rejected American Horror Story opening credits image

Emma shows up like, what the fuck, I was only gone for an hour. Lizzie says she had no idea they could fit so many people in their house.

How I supposed to know, I never played sardines here!

How I supposed to know, I never played sardines here!

The detective starts questioning Lizzie about what happened. Lizzie tells him she was in the barn looking for some shit, ate three pears, then came in and everyone was dead.

Well I didn't know you were saving those pears!

Well I didn’t know you were saving those pears!

The cops find an axe, and in a bizarre choice, decide to examine the bodies on the dining room table! Come on cops, they eat mutton there! Then the head detective proceeds to scan Lizzie’s body for any traces of blood. Literally, he just puts his face really close to her body and moves it up and down. I guess this is what they did before CSI.

Well, you don't smell like a murderer...

Well, you don’t smell like a murderer…

He finds a stain on Lizzie’s dress that she chalks up to stew. Sure, BRAIN STEW.

The district attorney Nolton aka Quinn Fabray’s dad aka that guy in ever TV show ever shows up to join the proceedings. Nolton starts questioning Lizzie about whether or not she loved her parents, but everyone else is like, how dare you she is a delicate flower!

So my daughter and Santana entered the hotel room at the same time, correct?

So my daughter and Santana entered the hotel room at the same time, correct?

Our parents are dead! But yeah, Quinn's def a homo now, sooo...

Our parents are dead! But yeah, Quinn’s def a homo now.

Emma and Lizzie decide to spend the night in the murder house, and Alice is joining them too. Plus, she’s bringing a roast lamb! Slumber party!

Do you think it's too soon to try to contact Father on the Ouija board?

Do you think it’s too soon to try to contact Father on the Ouija board?

Lizzie is already looking at real estate and planning her fabulous new parentless life, but Emma is like, what the actual fuck, we’re orphans. Emma promises Lizzie she’ll always protect her, and asks Lizzie if there’s anything she wants to tell her.

Already grief drinking

Already grief drinking

I didn't fart, the Victrola made that sound

I didn’t fart, the Victrola made that sound

It's okay if you did, I won't judge

It’s okay if you did, I won’t judge

Emma asks Lizzie why she didn’t run, and Lizzie said that she thought only guilty people ran and she didn’t want to look guilty. Emma is like, oh shit, this crazy bitch murdered our parents.

I just made a huge mistake

I just made a huge mistake

The next day the daughters are visited by Andrew Jennings, aka Billy Campbell aka Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual’s dad on Once and Again. He’s the family lawyer and he’s here to defend Lizzie against the extremely likely murder case that is developing.

I have a responsibility to tell you that there is no candy in this office.

I have a responsibility to tell you that there is no candy in this office.

Nolton is convinced that Lizzie committed the crime, despite there being no evidence. And because the stepmom died first, it ensured that the inheritance wold go through Mr. Borden then to his daughters. Besides, what stranger would murder one person, then stay at the murder location for two hours before killing the next one?

But how could she swing an axe with her tender bird arms? Inconceivable!

But how could she swing an axe with her tender bird arms? Inconceivable!

So whenever any of the characters in this movie talk about the murder, we see the same quick shots of bloody axes and bodies. Over and over again. This is presumably to hold our interest bc the rest of this shit is boring as fuck.

Just a reminder that this movie is about murder!

Just a reminder that this movie is about murder!

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Chelsea Steiner was born and raised in New Orleans, which explains her affinity for cheesy grits and Britney Spears. She currently resides in sunny Los Angeles, where she works as a screenwriter/blogger/sex educator. She's the writer/director of Thank You Come Again, a queer sex positive web series based on her experiences working the Pleasure Chest, which you can follow on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. She’s obsessed with dachshunds, Buffy, 90's dance parties, and roller derby. She loves the word "Jewess" and wishes more people used it to describe her. Follow her ramblings on Twitter and her cute puppy pics on Instagram.

Chelsea has written 46 articles for us.